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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/05/2021 22:50

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@saraclara
Yes but that “bonus” would have been much larger if left to them to invest in a LISA or other government topped up vehicle. You’ve robbed them of the opportunity of making that money grow...for years....[/quote]
My kids lived with me, paying their keep, for a year. I don't think I robbed them of anything, while teaching them the 'bills first, savings second, spend third' system.

There were no LISAs back then, nor was there any system that would have made them any significant amount more than I gave them back.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 23:19

@MIC2689

I'm amazed by this if I'm honest OP. You're taking £250 a month from your daughter because you've "got a mortgage to pay" but you're going to essentially give that £250 to your son to go to university. Glad you've at least thought about it enough to post this.
I’ve literally never said that Confused
OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 21/05/2021 00:10

This is the origin of the gender pay gap. DD has to pay her way through FT education, but DS gets a free ride.

lakesidelife · 21/05/2021 00:27

To be completely fair the origin of the pay gap is dd going into childcare and ds into stem.
But dd going into teaching would help.

Dd needs to take more academic qualifications in a higher income area, but I'm not sure how OP is solely responsible for the gendered roles in the UK? Or her dd's choice, unless she was told by OP she had to do this?

Thistles24 · 21/05/2021 00:31

My parents charged me rent when I was working. What they actually did was save it for me, so when I moved out I had a surprise lump sum. They didn’t need my £150 a month, but it taught me about paying my way and budgeting, and was a brilliant surprise when I got it.

Moelwynbach · 21/05/2021 00:43

Tell uni- going child to get a job to fund the top up of rent and don't send any money that you can feel comfortable about charging the working one. I had a very full on uni course with placement and still managed to work.

ceilingsand · 21/05/2021 04:15

Uni child will have debts. You can't compare the two. One child earns money and the other is charged it.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/05/2021 04:37

The aim of the game here should be to ensure that both children have a similar standard of living, in which case taking money from DD and sending money to DS is entirely fair. Equity, nog equality.

BeautifulandWilfulandDead · 21/05/2021 04:37

*not!

sbhydrogen · 21/05/2021 06:02

Your DS will have uni debts because he's chosen to go to university. Can't he get an ordinary student loan? Or go to a nearby uni but stay at home to save on costs?

You make your own bed and lay in it, as far as I'm concerned. You go to uni, then pay your own way.

Egghead81 · 21/05/2021 06:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OneMamaAndHerGirl · 21/05/2021 06:40

@BelleClapper

She’s still going to have a LOT more walking around money than he will, so that’s something.
But that’s not her fault? YABU! She’s not just working she’s doing an apprenticeship, she’s also still in education. I can’t believe you take £250 a month from one child whilst giving to another. That’s disgusting.
drpet49 · 21/05/2021 06:51

* I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.*

^Is it any wonder? When you treat her so differently to your DS?

KingdomScrolls · 21/05/2021 07:07

My brother did an apprenticeship I went to uni, I always worked part time in term time and full time in the summer. Neither of us paid rent to our parents. When we were both working full time having finished studying we paid £25 a week and that was at our insistence and we were earning a lot more than your daughter. The agreement was we were saving for property deposits. We both bought a property at 25/26, neither of us has debt other than mortgage and are both financially sensible, we grew up in a commuter town just on the outskirts of London. I've never understood the MN theory that taking your child's money and giving it back to them amounts to teaching life skills. I also think it's a much better lesson to give a young adult time and opportunity to save for themselves to get onto the property ladder than gift deposits or let them get into a trap of renting long-term and not having enough money to save a substantial amount. There are so many complaints here about how hard it is to buy property. If I were your daughter it would make me feel you were taking my money and giving it to my brother because we'd made different educational choices. That sibling resentment you feel, you're about to replicate it.

anotherday235 · 21/05/2021 07:07

I think it's fair enough. Your daughter will still have tons of money left each month. Plus you are saving it for her anyway. As long as you would do the same if the situation was reversed it all seems fine. Parents are obliged to contribute to uni costs unless the child is eligible to the full maintenance loan, if he comes home in summer and works then maybe charge 25% of his wage then.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 07:11

I’m probably going to leave this thread now because it’s taken a turn for the absolutely insane. It’s very upsetting to keep reading that I’m a vile child abuser who loves my son more. And lots of posts from people who clearly haven’t even read my posts, I have never once said anything like ‘I have a mortgage to pay so she needs to pay’ for example.

Fwiw on a thread I had about ‘keep’ before DD started work the overwhelming majority was in favour of it.

We aren’t treating DD any differently ffs, until Wednesday dinner time we thought DS was leaving college in July and getting a job, and he would have been paying proportionally to his wage.

If DD had chosen to stay at college and then onto University then we’d be paying for that. There’s no inequality.

DD is happy to pay her way, she is proud to be working and earning. DS has picked up more chores because he has more time at home currently. He has no money in his pocket aside from the small amount of pocket money, DD is buying clothes and energy drinks and went to the fair without a second thought.

The reason I said we will AIM to save the money they pay is because I’m all too aware of how life can change, at the moment I’m earning money in a stable job but four years ago I was in the depths of Bipolar depression and couldn’t work. Before anyone jumps on me and says I’m using DDs wage to prop myself up, I just mean that it may be that we NEED her contribution in a way we don’t right now. Life isn’t black and white.

Anyway, I have to go and do the work/school drop off before starting a 14hr shift at work so I think I’m going to hide the thread now.

OP posts:
NotSorry · 21/05/2021 07:26

Hope you’re ok @BelleClapper and have managed to work out what advice will help your situation Flowers

bloodyhell19 · 21/05/2021 08:12

@BelleClapper

Can I just reiterate that DD is on 12k a year. That’s 25% more than minimum wage for her age, so the fact it’s an apprenticeship is neither here nor there.

I’m doing an apprenticeship currently, I still have to pay the mortgage…

Your words OP ^

Before anyone jumps on me and says I’m using DDs wage to prop myself up, I just mean that it may be that we NEED her contribution in a way we don’t right now.

Also your words ^

You co-related your DD's wage with your mortgage repayments without any encouragement so think about that for a minute. You're being very unfair on your daughter and you've bent over backwards to defend your son in your posts but harked on about how much your younger daughter earns repeatedly and cherry picked the answers to suit your current thought process while eyerolled and Confused at anyone with an opposing thought.

You're taking from your daughter with one hand - when you don't need to - and giving to your son with the other.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 08:20

Comprehension not your strong point then.

I am personally doing an apprenticeship - I still have to pay my mortgage. Nothing to do with dd paying or not. It was just an aside.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 08:23

Also there’s a ridiculous amount of student bashing going on, even just saying I’m defending my son, what do I need to defend him from? He’s making a perfectly normal decision to go to university and that means we are expected to fund him to some degree. And no matter how many times I say he’s expected to get a job, people still keep telling me he needs to.

Have a Confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 08:24

And the reason I’ve ‘harked on’ about her earnings is because people keep saying ooh she’s only on a reduced apprenticeship wage. She isn’t.

OP posts:
bloodyhell19 · 21/05/2021 08:25

@BelleClapper

Comprehension not your strong point then.

I am personally doing an apprenticeship - I still have to pay my mortgage. Nothing to do with dd paying or not. It was just an aside.

No OP, I think the fact that you have mentioned your own sibling resentment and are bound to make the same mistake with your own kids means comprehension isn't your strong point.

Again, think on the reason why you chose to draw a parallel between your daughter's income and the fact that you are doing an apprenticeship and still have to pay a mortgage.

I'll tell you what it sounds like: a mother saying tough shit kid, I had to do it and so do you. She's 17.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 21/05/2021 08:27

Oh whatever. I’ve been here long enough to know that once the pile on starts there’s no stopping it. Think what you want about our family dynamics. There’s no point me saying anything else.

OP posts:
bloodyhell19 · 21/05/2021 08:28

@BelleClapper

Also there’s a ridiculous amount of student bashing going on, even just saying I’m defending my son, what do I need to defend him from? He’s making a perfectly normal decision to go to university and that means we are expected to fund him to some degree. And no matter how many times I say he’s expected to get a job, people still keep telling me he needs to.

Have a Confused.

You can @ me OP, I don't bite. I have three degrees & a Masters, I'm not student bashing. I'm pointing out that from my point of view - because that's what you've asked for on a public advice forum - you're being unfair with DD and DS.
bloodyhell19 · 21/05/2021 08:29

@BelleClapper

Oh whatever. I’ve been here long enough to know that once the pile on starts there’s no stopping it. Think what you want about our family dynamics. There’s no point me saying anything else.
Consider the reasons why there might be a pile on. Must be awful dry & dusty with your head in the sand.
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