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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
HelloOldSport · 20/05/2021 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 17:47

Thank you

Oh so you were talking about disposable income as well? Possibly where you went wrong then. 12k disposable income after rent bills etc...that's a whole different ballgame.

Gooseberrypies · 20/05/2021 17:47

So your DD chose what is - generally speaking, as most people realise it is better to earn money whilst getting their qualification than take on massive loans - a more sensible financial path and she's being punished for it?

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 17:49

She's wrong about her own income?

Yes. She would have been entitled to many benefits. But perhaps wasn't including them, to make it sound more dramatic

wellerhugs5 · 20/05/2021 17:49

I agree with PP, save the money she gives you (for her). A nice Brucie bonus for when she needs it x

Egghead81 · 20/05/2021 17:49

This reply has been deleted

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PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 17:49

She's wrong about her own income?

Well yes, that's what we've said. Perhaps not including all the benefits she would have got, to make it sound more dramatic

Gooseberrypies · 20/05/2021 17:49

And the point that DD will have more disposable income? Well yes, because she's earning it through her own hard work?

RainbowRhythm · 20/05/2021 17:51

...

IEat · 20/05/2021 17:51

One is working and is at home...rent is paid
Other is at Uni if he is at home charge him a nominal amount if he’s in halls of residence then don’t charge
Stop worrying about the one that is working, the finances for the home are not her business

HelloOldSport · 20/05/2021 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ufucoffee · 20/05/2021 17:53

I'd expect the child going to uni to work whilst there and during holidays and for that reason I'd adjust the money they were getting accordingly.

Gooseberrypies · 20/05/2021 17:53

@IEat

One is working and is at home...rent is paid Other is at Uni if he is at home charge him a nominal amount if he’s in halls of residence then don’t charge Stop worrying about the one that is working, the finances for the home are not her business
Don't forget 'and also pay the rent for the one who does not live at home'....
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 20/05/2021 17:57

My mum and dad charged us all rent/ bill
Money but put it into savings and investments which went toward a deposit on a first house. You could do something similar, you could also use the 50/40/ 20 rule and work out a budget or encourage your children to do a free course on personal finance with the open uni. Being money savvy didn’t come to me until my late 30s, I really wish I knew about personal finance when I left school

UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 17:57

Stop worrying about the one that is working, the finances for the home are not her business

Actually they are if the Op is insisting on making her income part of the household finances that are financing another DC.

RoSEbuds6 · 20/05/2021 18:00

@IntoAir

If you do come back OP (wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t) it sounds to me like you are doing your best to find the right approach to a delicate and complicated situation. (And taking the completely unjustified bashing with humour and grace!). Exactly as you say, you can’t really compare the two, but you are definitely subsidising your daughter as compared to ‘real life’, while she is young and finding her feet, just as you will be doing for your son.

This.

I agree. Good luck OP
Nomorepies · 20/05/2021 18:02

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

ClawedButler · 20/05/2021 18:04

I don't agree with charging kids rent. My mortgage is the same whether my DC live here or not. But I do agree that if working, they should contribute to the food bill or petrol if they use the car and should help out at home.

Totally this. Asking a young adult to contribute is one thing. Asking them to pay to stay in their own home sounds really harsh. You may not intend to give the impression that you think university is better and your DS is the preferred sibling, but it's surely not beyond the stretch of your imagination to suppose that it might be the impression your DD gets?

LowlandLucky · 20/05/2021 18:12

Keep taking her rent but put it in a secret account for when she leaves home.

PlanDeRaccordement · 20/05/2021 18:17

I don’t understand the point of charging a DC in FT education rent/bills and then putting it in a savings account to give them when they move out. I’d much rather sit them down and have them save the money themselves. If they are 17+ they are old enough to learn to budget money and start long term savings in their name for their future. For example, that DC could at 18 open a LISA which will get a much higher return/interest than any parent aged 40+ putting it in a savings account at 0.01%.

saraclara · 20/05/2021 18:20

Put the rent in a savings account is the new cancel the cheque.

FFS, read the OP's posts. That's what she's doing. DD just doesn't know it.

PrincessKaguya · 20/05/2021 18:21

So wait, your DD has made a sensible decision and decided to do apprenticeship instead of going to uni and therefore is saving YOU money and you still charge her to stay at home? And your son very well could do a software engineering apprenticeship, but decided to go to uni instead. And while it's ok to support him, I don't think your being fair here OP. I imagine EY teacher's salary will be a pittance, will you ask your DS to contribute to his sister's wage, as she's effectively paying for his education now?

saraclara · 20/05/2021 18:25

@PlanDeRaccordement

I don’t understand the point of charging a DC in FT education rent/bills and then putting it in a savings account to give them when they move out. I’d much rather sit them down and have them save the money themselves. If they are 17+ they are old enough to learn to budget money and start long term savings in their name for their future. For example, that DC could at 18 open a LISA which will get a much higher return/interest than any parent aged 40+ putting it in a savings account at 0.01%.
As I said, mine did both. I saved their 'keep' and they saved because they knew it was wise to do so. They just got a bonus at the end to add to their own savings.
TheLastLotus · 20/05/2021 18:27

Doing an apprenticeship shows a degree of maturity that isn’t always present in uni students. So one shouldn’t be penalised.
In my opinion you have X amount you can afford and split it between both children. DD chose to work so she gets more. Your son chose to go to uni so he’ll end up with less but theoretically his earning potential should be higher than hers

TheLastLotus · 20/05/2021 18:28

Also what if she does a degree part-time later? She’ll never have enjoyed the three year partying that is a degree (unless you’re in a very difficult course) . Of course it is her choice but she shouldn’t receive less money from you because of it

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