One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

Why is that so unbelievable?

Because on that income your mother will very likely have been entitled to other benefits so I’m surprised you say that is all that was coming in.

Yes. My father moved abroad and didn't contribue. Obviously, I suppose there would have been some sort of child benefit also. But not much more.

I don’t think you have the full picture here.

Clearly you're extremely privileged. I grew up around lots of single parent families in the same position.

I’m a lone parent raising my children entirely alone. No help or financial support from their father. £12k just wouldn’t cut it.

Why is that so unbelievable? Yes. My father moved abroad and didn't contribue. Obviously, I suppose there would have been some sort of child benefit also. But not much more.Clearly you're extremely privileged. I grew up around lots of single parent families in the same position

Obviously your mother didnt share her financial details with you..I grew up the same and your mother (like mine) got housing benefit, income support, free school meals, child benefit, all kinds of things.
You're clueless!

Defo ensure the top up is the bare essentials ONLY. All luxury items need to funded but a part time job which lost live away students will prob be looking to secure!

Hardbackwriter
I don't entirely disagree with you on that. For many courses it is more personal interest than something that will support a career.
My frustration is the lack of funding for doctorates in education when the government is throwing money at research schools, whilst not investing in allowing staff to do proper research training. I did a research masters and some of the crap I hear people in schools claim "research says..." worries me. Professional and practitioner research is undervalued and underfunded.

My parents ran a small and crushingly unsuccessful small business.
They got very minimal top support because they did this.

Although this was a good few decades ago now my experiences a social worker have shown me that there are many families with limited incomes for a variety of reasons now.

A single parent on £12k per year would be entitled to £343 universal credit per month.

I’m lolling at two posters named hardbackwriter and paperbackrider

is it an in joke?

I think HelloOldSport is being surprisingly undefensive actually.

As she says, this was her life, not so long ago, not something she put on MN to be torn apart by people who apparently know more about her experiences than her.

I was in a similar situation btw. Longer ago, and probably about the same in real value as £12k.

But yes, single parent household, only child benefit. I don't know the ins and outs of it all, but do remember my mother regularly crying about the possibility of us being made homeless.

@HelloOldSport no one is jumping on you, we are just questioning your assertion that you were raised on just £12k.

She's doing an apprenticeship, which is continuing education, mandatory until 18 now.

WTF are you charging her rent?

There will be resentment if you fund your son's continuing education while you're billing her for hers essentially.

If you do come back OP (wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t) it sounds to me like you are doing your best to find the right approach to a delicate and complicated situation. (And taking the completely unjustified bashing with humour and grace!). Exactly as you say, you can’t really compare the two, but you are definitely subsidising your daughter as compared to ‘real life’, while she is young and finding her feet, just as you will be doing for your son.

This.

As she says, this was her life, not so long ago, not something she put on MN to be torn apart by people who apparently know more about her experiences than her

Seems they do know more about it, as she doesn't seem to know much.

I also have no issues believing @HelloOldSport.

As I said as a social worker I have worked with many low income families who would have hugely much less disposable income than dd.

Housing issues are a massive factor. Difficulties with completing complex forms or challenging being turned down for benefits.
Not managing the work seeking requirements.
Mental health issues.
Residence issues, so right to remain but no recourse to public funds is quite common.

Yes, I was probably a bit quick to post — mine was an industry-funded science one, but everybody else I knew was funded too.

It was the thought of the person's poor SD being expected to have a job at the same time as doing a full time PhD!

My mum took half my wages when I was a 16/17 year old apprentice. I didn't hold it against her when she helped my sister at uni, she had bills to pay and I lived there.

@HelloOldSport

I love how everyone jumps on me though when another mother says she raised her child on 11.5k a year. Nope, just me that everyone belittles.

She's talking buttons as well.

Either you don't know what you're talking about or pp/pp's mothers for some odd reason didn't claim benefits they were entitled to. God knows which.
But come off it, you can't actually believe what you are saying?

As I said as a social worker I have worked with many low income families who would have hugely much less disposable income than dd

Who mentioned DISPOSABLE income?

Not lying, just confused perhaps. But still wrong.

Not RT whole FT yet but I don't agree with charging kids rent. My mortgage is the same whether my DC live here or not. But I do agree that if working, they should contribute to the food bill or petrol if they use the car and should help out at home.
I would only charge my DD a contribution towards food but I would insist that she opens a savings account and puts a decent chunk of money away each month, as a condition of being subsidised.
For DS, yes I would support him - there's no choice really. But when home, I would expect him to also help out around the house and if possible to work pt, so that my contribution didn't need to be so high.