One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

@Bananahana

Charging a 17 year old on 12k is baffling. Consider it still education.

£12k at 17 years old is really pretty good! And she's getting free training on top!

Only on MN is £12,000 just pocket money that shouldn't be touched by an evil parent (who's spending two hours a day getting her to and from work)

Of course he is paying as well he is taking out student loans, OP is only making up the shortfall as expected by government.

200 pounds for food, lodgings, utilities and I think a taxi service is obviously very heavily subsidized by the bank of mum and dad.

Dd will have more disposable income and no debt. She really isn't the cinders figure some are projecting.

In addition mum has said that should dd want to do teacher training the family will support this in the future.

....even after paying her evil parent, the 17 year old has £750 totally disposable income to spend on nothing but fun stuff. It's ridiculous to see her as hard done by, when few independent single adults could dream of having that much to spend on themselves every month.

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy

Was your DD offered the choice or chance of considering a university education?

Will your DS be expected to have a full-time job over the summer, and possibly a part-time job during the academic year?

Those things would even it out a bit, as well as the reassurance to your DD that if she were to choose to go to university eventually, she would receive financial support from you.

Also really agree with PP about saving your DD's contributions for her, towards a house deposit or the like.

@SnarkyBag

An apprenticeship wage at that age is very very low and I’d consider her still in a form of education. I think funding one at uni whilst taking money off a low wage apprentice is pretty shit frankly.

I agree with that.

Charge DD her keep and put it into a savings account for her. Give it to her when DS graduates uni or she wants to move out. This way, you’re teaching her the value of paying her way but she’ll have a nice lump sum she can use at the end of it for something really worthwhile, and no resentment towards you/brother

@Anordinarymum

Point here is he should have asked you and not assumed he could continue in Education since it's down to someone to pay for it.

My partner's daughter did this and ended up doing seven years at Uni because the chosen subject was apparently useless unless she got a doctorate. He was not happy at all having not been asked if this was OK She never had a job in all that time.
It's rude to assume it's ok for people to fund anything.

A doctorate is basically a job though. You get a stipend, which you should be able to live on, and most PhD students will teach/demonstrate in undergraduate labs/run tutorials to earn extra money.

I just used that calculator to see what figure it would come out with for my adult children still at home. It comes out at over £600 pm which is silly money if he is to ever be in a position to save a deposit for his own home.
I took nothing whilst he was doing his apprenticeship but I did stop his allowance and paying for his phone.
How he is working I only take what he costs in extra gas, water and electric. He buys his own food and pays for his own broadband connection, runs his car, pays his own personal bills and saves in a help to buy isa and another savings account.
The other household bills would be the same whether he lives here or not and I am in a position where I don’t need any extra off him so I would rather he saved for his own future even though he now earns more than me. My other son is the same although he earns less and as he has some additional needs he will never be in a position to earn a high wage so I want him to save so when I am no longer around he has a pot of savings plus his share of my estate so that no matter what his housing is taken care of.

Not all that long ago, as i'm only mid twenties now. Left home at 19. England, midlands.

And that’s all the money your parent had coming in? £12k?

A doctorate is basically a job though. You get a stipend, which you should be able to live on, and most PhD students will teach/demonstrate in undergraduate labs/run tutorials to earn extra money
Not all doctorates have stipends. They are far and few between in my area unless you're you're international student who universities seem to view as cash cows.
They've recently introduced a student loan option, but it doesn't come close to a stipend.

I agree with you that it's important that DD is contributing to the household, and unlike many on here I don't think the amount is unreasonable (I was contributing 1/3 of my net pay, and had to pay for my own transport costs/phone/groceries). You are still supporting her (and not just economically, she doesn't have to deal with any of the mental load or risk associated with finding accommodation, moving, unreasonable landlords, problem housemates, DIY, ensuring utilities are paid on time etc), she will have a better standard of living than if she moved out and had to pay her own way.

I would also be expecting DS to be working in the summer break, and contributing an equivalent amount to the household 'pot'. If unable to find work, I'd be expecting DS to be doing the majority of the household chores during the working week (most of the cleaning, most of the meals) - I would imagine more resentment building from seeing DS having excess free time/being able to lie in or see friends while DD has to get up and go out to work than from paying board/parental contributions.

My siblings and I were raised like this and we're financially responsible - my friends who became used to no real bills and a lot of disposable income in early adulthood, continue to live beyond their means - and either the have the accompanying level of debt, or reliance on 'The bank of mum and dad'

12k a year is a very good starting wage, and she's still going to have more than enough walking around money.

With the way compound interest works, I'd also be encouraging DD to make additional pension contributions now, especially considering the possibility she'll be taking time off for further study etc in the future.

“mummy” isn’t paying it. She will be topping up to the government expected contribution the same as she is subsidising her daughter’s costs to live at home.

The Dd chose to leave college and get a job. Why should her brother not be anle to go to uni just because of that.

I’d love £750 of disposable income per month all to myself.

@ManCubsMama

Charge DD her keep and put it into a savings account for her. Give it to her when DS graduates uni or she wants to move out. This way, you’re teaching her the value of paying her way but she’ll have a nice lump sum she can use at the end of it for something really worthwhile, and no resentment towards you/brother

That is exactly what OP has already said that she's going to do. She just doesn't want DD to know that yet.

That's exactly what we did. Our DD's paid their contribution, and then spent some of the remainder and saved some. Had they known that we were saving their 'rent' to give back to them later, they might well not have bothered saving for themselves.

The whole point of my strategy and the OP's is for our kids to learn to manage money as soon as they start earning. Bills first, some in a savings account, spend the rest.

@LolaSmiles

A doctorate is basically a job though. You get a stipend, which you should be able to live on, and most PhD students will teach/demonstrate in undergraduate labs/run tutorials to earn extra money Not all doctorates have stipends. They are far and few between in my area unless you're you're international student who universities seem to view as cash cows. They've recently introduced a student loan option, but it doesn't come close to a stipend.

This is off-topic but no one should be doing an unfunded PhD (unless it's a professional doctorate, which is a bit different), unless for their own interest, in which case a parent shouldn't fund it (and you probably shouldn't be 22). If they're rare in your field so are jobs, so if you can't get the funded places, no matter how rare they are, it isn't a good option for the future.

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Good grief - the responses on here are mental! If you do come back OP (wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t) it sounds to me like you are doing your best to find the right approach to a delicate and complicated situation. (And taking the completely unjustified bashing with humour and grace!). Exactly as you say, you can’t really compare the two, but you are definitely subsidising your daughter as compared to ‘real life’, while she is young and finding her feet, just as you will be doing for your son. Just keep the lines of communication open with her and answer her honestly if she questions the parity. And if you can keep the money aside for her then do so. I haven’t got to that stage yet but I’d be worried about her having heard that’s a thing and sort of hoping that’s what you’re doing then being disappointed when she moves out and there’s no surprise bonus at the end 😂