One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

And OP knows she is in the wrong, she would never have asked otherwise. You don't do an aibu about treating kids unfairly unless you know you are doing so.

Compare the Market company has done this -

"Our latest research shows that a staggering 74% of parents feel there isn’t enough information on hand when it comes to knowing how much to charge their adult children for living at home, despite over half (53%) admitting to doing so. To help guide parents, we’ve created a simple calculator"

www.comparethemarket.com/home-insurance/content/pa-rental/

Your children have chosen different paths, one is working via an apprenticeship and the other is university where although it is never explicitly pointed out (unless your are Martin Lewis) parents are expected to make up any shortfall in the maintenance part of the loan. The amount is reduced by household income and so you are expected to fund your "child" even though they are 18+.

We have saved for this but it is costing us just over £15k for Ds1 for the next 3 years and another £5k if he does a 4 year course. We then have Ds2 who is also going to be going to university.

If your DD was to go to university she would be treated the same way you are going to treat DS, if DS was working he would be treated the same way as DD. She is old enough to understand that.

Also that calculator I linked above is going to be eye opening for her in terms of the suggested amount. She could also look at SpareRoom to see how much a room with a shared bathroom and kitchen would cost in your area and see that she has a very sweet deal living at home, not cooking a family meal (why not by the way) not shopping for food, not paying money out for transport to her job.

But she is still in education? She's gaining a qualification.

25% sounds a lot when you're giving your DS money. Most (not all, I know) undergrad degrees leave loads of time for paid work so he should be able to get a job.

I'd reduce your dd's payments to maybe 10% and save the money for her if you're able. 25% is quite a lot.

Your dd couldn’t live independently on 12k in her own accommodation so if she had said she wanted to live area to complete her apprenticeship would you have been prepared to “top up” like you are for your ds?

Your DS will have to learn to pay bills make time to shop for groceries and cook etc all important life skills. Would it be possible to take a little less from DD and agree with her that she will then manage shopping and cooking and paying a bill or too with the extra money. Say, once a month she buys the groceries and cooks the family meal once or twice a week; pays phone bill or Netflix? She may learn budgeting and time management and build up her credit score this way.

I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

Well you are treating them entirely differently, so....
I see an apprenticeship as an extension of education. She's only earning £12k fgs.
Why doesn't your DS get a part-time job to contribute to living costs, if you are so concerned about your children learning that they should contribute to living costs?

@SnarkyBag

Your dd couldn’t live independently on 12k in her own accommodation so if she had said she wanted to live area to complete her apprenticeship would you have been prepared to “top up” like you are for your ds?

My Dd lives in a shared flat on considerably less than £12k. Her rent is £120 per week plus food & bills. She also runs a car. She’s moving to London next year and will have to find a room in a shared house.

The OPs Dd is in effect living rent free as the £200 per month she pays towards her keep. is nowhere near what the Ds will be paying at uni.

The Dd has £12k per year to spend on whatever she wants.

The Ds will have £5k per year (£10k if it’s topped up) to spend on rent, food & travel.

Fucking hell, the responses on here! I left school at 16 and was expected to hand over 30% of my £4500p/a salary from day one!

Well, my DD came back to live with us during the pandemic to wfh. She is earning waaayyyy more than that, and we charged her less. I think you are being a bit unreasonable if I am honest. I was very happy with what DD contributed, it covered food and bills, I wouldn't charge her rent to stay in her own room, in her own family home. Just doesn't sit right with me. She saved loads, as she wasn't paying London rents, which I am very pleased with.

I disagree @Comefromaway.
dd will have £12k to TRAIN for her job. She chose to further her education that way. dc1 could have done so too instead of going to Uni afterall.

Why should she be penalised because she is taking the 'sensible' decision to go for an apprenticeship rather than Uni?
The OP is helping her ds out during the Uni years. She should ALSO be helping her dd out by giving her the same amount of money. It could be a house deposit or whatever.

Why does you DS need 3 years of support?

I dont know anyone whose parents supported them through uni, we all had loans, applied for benefit and got jobs.

If I was your daughter I would be pissed too, In fact I would move out and it would damage my relationship with you as I would have seen how unfair you treat us as I assume you have been charging her but not charging your older DS so far (since you said 3 MORE years of support) and thats TOTALLY unfair.

Being slackademic (living off others while going to school) is entitely a choice and you are punishing your DD for being wise and workhard enough to get a paycheck while also an education (apprenticeship are equivilent to college) so your DS can live off you.

@lakesidelife

There really needs to be more information on the current maintenance loans set up. Parental support is expected and the student has their loan reduced accordingly.

I can't believe how many people don't understand this. Helping your dc financially while they are at university is expected. Regardless of any part time work, it is a parental responsibility.

Obviously currently her ds is setting himself up for a much better financial future than her dd, but OP can't insist her dd does a stem degree.

She can make it clear to dd she would also support her through Uni but there is nothing to suggest she wouldn't do this.

Most people are not saying OP shouldn't support DS though, just that it's unfair to charge DD. I don't get how so many people don't understand that.

@BelleClapper, why on earth are you expecting your ds to be back home after Uni?

To me an apprenticeship is further education, her equivalent of university

Either I would not charge her anything, butt her to save, but if she can’t do that take the 25% but make it clear you are saving it for her when she finished her apprenticeship

I was raised by a single parent on 12k a year ... confused

Either that was decades ago and/or you also got plenty of benefits.
What has that got to do with anything?

I was raised by a single parent on 12k a year

When? And where?

The OPs Dd is in effect living rent free as the £200 per month she pays towards her keep. is nowhere near what the Ds will be paying at uni

He won't be paying it, his mummy will! And DD is paying rent. Do keep up.

@SnarkyBag

Your dd couldn’t live independently on 12k in her own accommodation so if she had said she wanted to live area to complete her apprenticeship would you have been prepared to “top up” like you are for your ds?

what are you on about?

I raised a child as a single income house while also attending uni and being a carer on £11.5k a year.

Its really not unusual, millions of people live off that amount.

Yeah, 25% is really harsh on your daughter. I started work at 21 earning £20k and my parents charged me £80 a month. It got me used to the concept of contributing without massively impacting on my ability to save for a further house deposit (I moved out at 22)