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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 16:03

@BelleClapper

The point is we had already agreed, after lots of discussion about the pros and cons, that they would both be expected to contribute some of their earnings.

DS doing a switcheroo this late in the game has thrown me, I immediately thought it sounded unfair but actually I don’t think it is now.

DD is earning a wage, living at home and paying towards that. DS will be at Uni and will need topping up. Neither is badly off out of the deal.

Yes, you agreed when they would both be in the same boat and they would be equal. But now you are going to take from one and give to the other. If you can't see the unfairness, I despair. But then what would you expect from a parent charging a child to live in the family home anyway? Adults, sure, but children? Vile.
Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 16:04

I’m not sure where I’ve given the impression I think his path is better.

Confused
OP posts:
Paperreceipt · 20/05/2021 16:05

At first reading I thought that this was a tricky one, but on reading and reflecting, I think it's worked out. You may be charging your DD board, but in many ways your subsidising her living whilst your DS is accruing large debts because of his choices.

(If she wants to get a PGCE she will need some form of university education first, so her time may come).

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 16:06

@LadyWhistledownsQuill

You're charging for accommodation. DD needs accommodation, DS doesn't (though arguably he should be paying when back during the holidays to keep it fair)
He does need accommodation...which OP is happy to pay for! But she's not happy to pay for her minor childs accommodation, she has to pay her own way.
Mydogmylife · 20/05/2021 16:06

@Bluntness100

Op you could just ask your daughter to give the money directly to your son? Tell her he needs it? It doesn’t need to go through you. It all amounts to the exact same thing.
I must say that it certainly does seem rather this way , sadly
LittleOwl153 · 20/05/2021 16:07

Early Years Education at a nursery will potentially lead to a degree in early years education or even a switch to primary education so whatever you decide you will need to include the potential of funding her through that - although I think if she has been working for a period of time there is no expectation of parental contribution in loan calculations.

OunceOfFlounce · 20/05/2021 16:07

Save yourselves the trouble of posting if you disagree with OP, she's not interested. I'm out. Good luck with them OP.

Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 16:08

People on this thread are absolutely bonkers. I feel very sorry for the ds. (I don't actually as the OP seems fairly sensible and has realised its all a non issue)

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 16:09

@Comefromaway

People on this thread are absolutely bonkers. I feel very sorry for the ds. (I don't actually as the OP seems fairly sensible and has realised its all a non issue)
Yes, the people (including you) who think its ok to charge a child for rent and board while funding another one to go to uni.
YellowFish12 · 20/05/2021 16:09

I would consider your DD appreintiship to be 'further education' and as such would not charge her rent until she is qualified.

That also seems fair in the context of your DS going to uni and needing funding.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 16:09

@LittleOwl153

Early Years Education at a nursery will potentially lead to a degree in early years education or even a switch to primary education so whatever you decide you will need to include the potential of funding her through that - although I think if she has been working for a period of time there is no expectation of parental contribution in loan calculations.
This is the route she’s looking at.

So at some point I’m sure we’ll be putting her through Uni.

By which point DS may well be back home and paying rent…

Anyway this thread has gone quite mad from some quarters and poor DD is quite the Cinderella so I’m off to pick her up from work make her sweep the hearth.

OP posts:
Mojoj · 20/05/2021 16:10

An apprenticeship is still considered as being in education surely. She's working as well as studying. I don't think it's fair to charge her rent etc and not expect your son to contribute in any way. Can he not get a p/t job?

CoolCatTaco · 20/05/2021 16:11

I think you're being incredibly unfair on your DD and really quite selfish. Unless you're on the bones of your arse & she's on a clean fortune, I don't think you can justify what you're doing. Bluntness 100 is spot on.

lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 16:12

The concept that it is vile to charge for board and lodging from someone who has left school and is earning above the minimum wage is one rooted in privilege.

If you have grown up and have known no one who contributed financially to a home they where living in, while earning a wage, they you have only mixed with a narrow group in society.

In other groups contributing financially is perfectly acceptable and accepted.

If people don't understand that parents are expected to help support dc at Uni then they just aren't up to date with student financing.

Good luck OP, you seem perfectly sensible and have been very calm with some of the individual responses you have got.

Hellzbellz25 · 20/05/2021 16:16

Wow 25% is mean! I'm glad you're not my mum 🤣 my parents charged me a small rent when I started working and firmly taught me the value of money and I've always been good with it and never missed a bill, you can't take from one child with one hand and give to the other!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/05/2021 16:17

Maintenance grant will only cover two thirds of rent, for a start.

He can get a part-time job.

Totally unfair to charge one for what is effectively her education, and financially support the other. Tell him if he goes to uni he has to supplement his own income (as many students do), and during the vacs has to contribute to the household.

Serin · 20/05/2021 16:18

We have 3, one has a professional level job and is currently living at home, one is at uni, one is an apprentice living away but earning £23k.
We don't charge any of them anything and are trying to ensure that the one at uni graduates debt free.
DH and I feel like we have won the lottery since we no longer have to pay for school uniform, activities etc. Grin
We are lucky to not "need" them to contribute, so I would rather they saved it.

Bananahana · 20/05/2021 16:18

Charging a 17 year old on 12k is baffling. Consider it still education.

Helpel · 20/05/2021 16:19

My dad went to work at 18 as an engineering apprentice, whilst his twin sister went to university. My grandparents (their parents) were far from wealthy and took board off my dad for the 3 years he continued to live with them (until he married my mum). To this day, 55 years later, he still talks about how his parents used his money to pay for his sisters education. He loves his sister very much and loved his parents, there were no family problems and he says it in a jokey way, but I can tell it really stings him and left him feeling like his sister was the privileged one. Whatever your intention or reason for doing it, it is possible your daughter will feel the same.

1WayOrAnother2 · 20/05/2021 16:20

In fairness - what you give to one you should give to the other.

Perhaps you can keep an amount which is equal to what is spent on her brother and save this for something equally life-enhancing/ good for her future.

1WayOrAnother2 · 20/05/2021 16:20

(Equal treatment does not have to be the same.)

christinarossetti19 · 20/05/2021 16:24

To be honest, this sounds more like your dad feeling envious of his sister and possibly what he missed out on by not going to university than anything his parents did wrong.

Unless they told him that he couldn't also go to university of course.

Op has explicitly said that she's anticipating that her dd will go to university at some point and will financially support her and that if her ds returns home and works, he will be expected to financially contribute to the household, so I honestly can't see what's unfair about this.

JackieWeaverFever · 20/05/2021 16:25

I think you should charge DD but only if you keep and give her the money back to help with a deposit later.

DS needs to get a job at uni (everyone has one I was working 2 at one point) 20 hours plus degree was very achievable and I was at a rev brick doing a tough subject

If i was ypur DD and you charged me and were giving him.cash if feel mugged off frankly.

wishing3 · 20/05/2021 16:28

Not read the full thread, but why not take the tent from your daughter but then make it clear that you will be putting it in savings for her to use in the future- eg if she’s Hopi g to save for a car or a house deposit? My parents did that with me back in the day so I was learning to budget a bit more but they didn’t actually want to keep my money. Just an idea!

PaperbackRider · 20/05/2021 16:29

@lakesidelife

The concept that it is vile to charge for board and lodging from someone who has left school and is earning above the minimum wage is one rooted in privilege.

If you have grown up and have known no one who contributed financially to a home they where living in, while earning a wage, they you have only mixed with a narrow group in society.

In other groups contributing financially is perfectly acceptable and accepted.

If people don't understand that parents are expected to help support dc at Uni then they just aren't up to date with student financing.

Good luck OP, you seem perfectly sensible and have been very calm with some of the individual responses you have got.

No it isn't. If OP couldn't afford to keep her DD that would be a different matter. But she can, she can do it AND put another child through uni. She is choosing to take money from a child for rent and board.

I left home at 17 and paid my own way. Don't talk to me about bloody privilege. It's the ones steeped in it that think its ok to treat this child so badly,