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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

One at Uni, one at work…

937 replies

BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 12:23

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 15:50

It’s worth adding that when DD left college and started the apprenticeship we had long conversations about earnings and contributions and she happily agreed to the amount.

OP posts:
UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 15:50

What is your son’s course OP?

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2021 15:50

Your opinion of a cushtie deal seems to differ from loads of others op.

Take her money, give your son money, but recognise you’re being unfair and own it.

OunceOfFlounce · 20/05/2021 15:52

@BelleClapper

Have I ever said he doesn’t have to get a job?

It’s absolutely expected that he will earn his own fun money. But until he gets a job we will have to pay the shortfall in his halls rent which is about 2.5k, and send him money for food.

And of course I don’t dislike DD. My immediate thought was that this would feel unfair. But having lots of opinions and other ways of framing it has helped me see that she’s actually got a fairly cushtie deal.

Haha, 81% YABU (at the time of me writing) and OP's like "having lots of opinions and other ways of framing it has helped me see that she’s actually got a fairly cushtie deal".

What was the point of posting, to help you get your story straight with yourself?

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 15:52

It’s a software engineering degree. Not a mickey mouse degree.

And DD is doing Early Years Education at a nursery.

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 20/05/2021 15:53

@BelleClapper

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

Sorry but I really dislike the sense of entitlement here. Did your son ask you if it was ok to fund him for the extra time at Uni? If not, you need to be asking him where he thinks the money for this is coming from?

If you take from one and give to another, isn't the paying one in effect funding the other child's choices?

mumto2teenagers · 20/05/2021 15:54

I actually started a similar thread when DD2 decided she didn't want to go to university and was planning on doing an apprenticeship, DD1 is at uni. I was concerned that DD2 would think it unfair that we were helping DD1 with rent, etc and she was having to pay us rent, turned out I was overthinking it and DD2 had expected to pay rent when she started earning.

DD1 (21) is living away at uni, in a shared house, her rent is approx. £2k a year more than her grant. We pay the additional rent and her bills. She has a part time job which pays for food, going out, etc.

DD2 didn't do an apprenticeship in the end, she got a full time job earning £19k a year. She pays us £80 a month rent, we kept it low on the understanding that she would also pay £200 a month into her help to buy ISA. She saved most of her wages for the first 6 months to buy herself a car so now has the running costs of the car, including very expensive insurance due to her age. We had originally planned ask for more rent and then put it in a savings account to give back to her, but decided her using the help to buy ISA made more sense.

DD1 is moving back from uni in the summer and she will be paying the same as DD2 as soon as she gets a job.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2021 15:54

As said just own it op. Your parents did it to you and you’re itching to do it to your daughter, no point trying to dress it up. Or sell it. Just own it. Do it, move on.

Anordinarymum · 20/05/2021 15:55

He does not need three more years of support OP. He has chosen to do this and needs to think about getting a job to help pay for his education

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 15:55

The point is we had already agreed, after lots of discussion about the pros and cons, that they would both be expected to contribute some of their earnings.

DS doing a switcheroo this late in the game has thrown me, I immediately thought it sounded unfair but actually I don’t think it is now.

DD is earning a wage, living at home and paying towards that. DS will be at Uni and will need topping up. Neither is badly off out of the deal.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 20/05/2021 15:55

@Roodicus21 that isn't necessarily the case now. My DH's accountancy firm now offers apprenticeships for accountancy qualification. By following that route you can become a fully qualified accountant at 22, with no debt. Whereas a graduate will then start their accountancy qualification aged 21/22 and start with student debt, and will take a further three years to get to the same stage as the one who took the apprenticeship route.

lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 15:56

There really needs to be more information on the current maintenance loans set up. Parental support is expected and the student has their loan reduced accordingly.

I can't believe how many people don't understand this. Helping your dc financially while they are at university is expected. Regardless of any part time work, it is a parental responsibility.

Obviously currently her ds is setting himself up for a much better financial future than her dd, but OP can't insist her dd does a stem degree.

She can make it clear to dd she would also support her through Uni but there is nothing to suggest she wouldn't do this.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 15:57

@Bluntness100

As said just own it op. Your parents did it to you and you’re itching to do it to your daughter, no point trying to dress it up. Or sell it. Just own it. Do it, move on.
Wow.

Did that make you feel better? Do you feel like a warrior now?

OP posts:
a8mint · 20/05/2021 15:58

Of course your DD might well decide to go to university too in teh next few years

UhtredRagnarson · 20/05/2021 15:58

Software engineering, (not sure what the point of your “mickey mouse” comment is- has someone suggested he isn’t doing a useful degree? Or is the implication that your DD is doing a Mickey Mouse course?) so not medicine or anything that will be heavy contact time. He’ll certainly be able to work.

EasterEggBelly · 20/05/2021 15:59

I just can’t imagine charging a 17yo to live in the family home. Let’s be honest, she doesn’t have much of a choice but to agree given she couldn’t afford to rent her own place on 12k.
My parents charged us a % to live at home from the moment we started work. It didn’t ‘teach’ me anything regarding budgeting or financial responsibility. It did encourage me to move out sooner rather then later.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 15:59

She’s already talking about doing a PGCE (or whatever it is nowadays) so fingers crossed!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 20/05/2021 15:59

Op you could just ask your daughter to give the money directly to your son? Tell her he needs it? It doesn’t need to go through you. It all amounts to the exact same thing.

Original poster
BelleClapper · 20/05/2021 16:00

@UhtredRagnarson

Software engineering, (not sure what the point of your “mickey mouse” comment is- has someone suggested he isn’t doing a useful degree? Or is the implication that your DD is doing a Mickey Mouse course?) so not medicine or anything that will be heavy contact time. He’ll certainly be able to work.
Yes it was asked up thread whether his degree was a useful one with a career path.
OP posts:
Lovethewater · 20/05/2021 16:00

Many years ago I went to University while my sister started work at 16. My parents charged her board but saved it for her - she did not know until she was given a lump sum to help set her up when she left home. Depending in your circumstances maybe this would be a possibility for some or all of it.

SnarkyBag · 20/05/2021 16:02

@Bluntness100

As said just own it op. Your parents did it to you and you’re itching to do it to your daughter, no point trying to dress it up. Or sell it. Just own it. Do it, move on.
Yup
LadyWhistledownsQuill · 20/05/2021 16:02

You're charging for accommodation. DD needs accommodation, DS doesn't (though arguably he should be paying when back during the holidays to keep it fair)

Mydogmylife · 20/05/2021 16:02

@BelleClapper

It’s worth adding that when DD left college and started the apprenticeship we had long conversations about earnings and contributions and she happily agreed to the amount.
Was this before or after your DS was going to uni and being supported by you? I'm sure you don't mean it but some of your posts sound as though you don't give the same value to the path your dd has taken - remember uni is not for everyone and an apprenticeship can be ever bit if not more useful in their career path
Anordinarymum · 20/05/2021 16:03

Point here is he should have asked you and not assumed he could continue in Education since it's down to someone to pay for it.

My partner's daughter did this and ended up doing seven years at Uni because the chosen subject was apparently useless unless she got a doctorate. He was not happy at all having not been asked if this was OK She never had a job in all that time.
It's rude to assume it's ok for people to fund anything.

lakesidelife · 20/05/2021 16:03

I went to a Uni with a strong town and gown split and was taken aback by the aggression shown by some locals towards students.

I'm getting flashbacks in the level of animosity shown by someone the posters on this thread towards supporting students.

I would highlight to your dd that should she wish to do teacher training in the future she will of course get the same financial support as her brother.
And should her brother return home to live after graduating he will be paying board from his wages.