One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

The shortsightedness of insisting that someone can only take a university course within traveling distance of the family home seems more likely to cause long term resentment.

Why anyone would want to limit their dc's life chances so much unless they absolutely had to I cannot understand.

It is expected that parents will financially support their dc at university, it is baked into the financial structuring. I am surprised that so many people are resistant to this idea, although not OP.

Fairness is not the same as sameness.
I agree. It doesn't have to be pound for pound the same because circumstances are different.

Giving an allowance to one child at university, whilst letting the other live at home rent free would be fair, but not the same.
Giving one child an allowance whilst charging the other to live at home seems unfair to me.

@lakesidelife

The shortsightedness of insisting that someone can only take a university course within traveling distance of the family home seems more likely to cause long term resentment.

Why anyone would want to limit their dc's life chances so much unless they absolutely had to I cannot understand.

It is expected that parents will financially support their dc at university, it is baked into the financial structuring. I am surprised that so many people are resistant to this idea, although not OP.

The same is true for an apprenticeship. There is a reason that the minimum wage is lower than that for an adult (with all the responsibilities that entails). In theory, a degree should allow the son to get a significantly better paying career than an apprenticeship would. If it won't, he probably shouldn't be going.

I was charged rent as a teenager whilst studying at uni and it was awful, made me feel unwelcome and didn’t support a good relationship with my parents. It also taught me nothing about money and certainly nothing at all about the importance of saving. I won’t charge my teenagers rent because of this. Two situations where it’s fine: it’s truly a poverty issue and you genuinely need the money - fine. Or if your teen is some kind of layabout who needs the extra incentive to move out/get a job.

If your child is working hard or studying then I don’t see the point of charging them anything if you don’t need to, it’s just mean spirited - that was certainly my experience of it.

I take 10% of the apprenticeship wage and out it in a savings account for dd as a deposit on a house.

a8mint I actually tutored 9-11 year olds for secondary school entrance exams. A friend taught music theory. So I think if you can exploit a niche it's ok — I only did two hours a week, but could easily have done more. But yes, the market is very saturated for tutoring GCSE/A-level.

@Planty13

I would only take money off DD if you will 100% put it aside for her. The thought that she is essentially topping up her brothers Uni income isn’t comfortable with me. He needs to get a job as well. They are both still in education.

Agreed!

Parents who refuse to support their children financially may cause a lifetime of resentment. Certainly I never forgave mine for making it so much more difficult.

I would regard apprenticeship as a form of "in work learning" rather than a full time job per se.

When I wanted to study full time for my chosen profession (librarianship) my parents would not support my decision unless I continued to give them for my "keep" the same amount as when I had been working full time. Fortunately my employer nominated me for a course with alternate periods of study and full time working. So my periods in work supplemented me for when I was studying so far as paying for my "keep" was concerned. I eventually managed to qualify - it took 3 years - but always resented my parents for their meanness and lack of support. I moved out as soon as I could afford it - just as my sister gave birth to a child and my money was most needed at home.

I wouldn't charge your DD board and lodging as that's bound to lead to resentment considering you are actually giving your other DC money. I don't get the argument that people need to learn about using some of their wage for board and lodging. It's not as if they will have the choice when they are older so why do they need the lesson when they're younger? If you don't think she should be spending all her wages just take a proportion and save it and let her know that you are doing it.

If your DD wasn’t paying board/rent, would you still be able to afford to support your son? If she completes her apprenticeship and decides she wants to go to uni, will you financially support her? Even if they are both away studying at the same time?
When DS has finished uni will you charge him the same percentage of his wage in rent?
I do think it’s good for parents to support their children through uni (i was) but not at the expense of another child!

@BelleClapper

Apprenticeships are 80% work and 20% training.

You are missing the point. Training isn’t just being in class. It also happens when you are on the job. The 80% job is training in the job. It’s still training. Hence why companies will not expect the same level or amount work done by an apprentice than someone on the job. Hence why many companies will expect you to stay working for them for a few years afterwards. Because they have spent money and time and resources training said apprentice.

Atm you are in a situation where

• one child is giving you £200 per month
• the other will be given money (how much? £200 more?)

Both are in education.

How is that fair? How is that your ds ‘paying his way’ too?

@JellyBabiesSaveLives

So she is training for her career and gets 9k a year spend on herself.

Your ds is getting a degree and will get 9k a year (student loan plus means-tested parental contribution to loan) but that has cover rent, food, bills, and transport. He'll get a part-time job to make up the shortfall.

At the end of it your Dd will have the money you've taken and saved for her.
Your ds will have student debt.

I think your dd is better off here.

The DS may well get a higher paid job in the future compared with the DD if he has a degree.

I would not charge DD as an apprenticeship is still FT education.

@Bambam2019

If your DD wasn’t paying board/rent, would you still be able to afford to support your son? If she completes her apprenticeship and decides she wants to go to uni, will you financially support her? Even if they are both away studying at the same time? When DS has finished uni will you charge him the same percentage of his wage in rent? I do think it’s good for parents to support their children through uni (i was) but not at the expense of another child!

Very valid questions.

I agree with the petrol money only here becayse your daughter is learning she just gets paid more to do it,

If you couldn’t afford to sub your son without her contribution then you are using her money to pay for him. And that’s never right.

For me this feels like you’re favouring him at her expense and i can see why there would be resentment.

If you tell her to pay then tell yout son to get a part time job and subsidise himself. Plenty of students do.

However it reads you’re determined to take her money and you’re determine to give it to him.

@DreamingNow ???? It's fair because one is working and being paid and the other isn't.

DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy

Can't imagine why...!

DD is in education. She's just chosen a pathway which means she gets paid for that. Very sensible, imo, and she shouldn't be punished for it. I absolutely agree that she should be contributing if she's living at home, but she shouldn't be disadvantaged compared to her brother.

You should ensure that DS is paying the same amount of his living costs (whether that's at home or in privately rented accommodation) as she is from his own earnings. Perfectly possible for him to earn £250 a month in a part time job and still go to uni. His loan should then cover the rest.

If you do still need to top his rent up, personally I would be setting aside the same amount for DD to use on a deposit etc to keep things fair.

[quote BarbarianMum]@DreamingNow ???? It's fair because one is working and being paid and the other isn't.[/quote]
He will get student loan and in addition there is nothing to stop him working just like she is. They are both learning. Plenty of students support themselves.

Are you planning to ever be giving the same amount of money to your dd and dc3 than you are with dc1?

Because if you aren’t, you are basically also saying that a child is at a disadvantage if they chose the route of TRAINING in apprenticeship rather than going to Uni...
Seeing that many 18yo (incl my own) are discarding the idea of apprenticeship because ‘they’ll miss out of the experience of university’ and ‘it’s another 3 years to think about what they want to do/not to have to work as such’... I think it’s deeply unfair.

It will be even worse if your dc3 decides to go to Uni (it will look so much easier) and he is getting money for it and your dd has nothing....

I don’t know, reading your posts do you like you dd? You sound resentful and she should be sooo grateful to you just doesn’t sit well with me.
Surely an apprenticeship is just a practical way of learning?

Why can’t your ds get a job to find his uni, what would he do if you couldn’t financially support him?

Her dd doesn't have nothing, she has a massively subsidized living arrangement, a taxi service and a substantial amount of money to spend on fripperies if she chooses to.

Have I ever said he doesn’t have to get a job?

It’s absolutely expected that he will earn his own fun money. But until he gets a job we will have to pay the shortfall in his halls rent which is about 2.5k, and send him money for food.

And of course I don’t dislike DD. My immediate thought was that this would feel unfair. But having lots of opinions and other ways of framing it has helped me see that she’s actually got a fairly cushtie deal.

25% is a huge amount. I think you are really unfair on her.

I would be thinking longer term as well as short.
Generally someone doing a degree should earn more in the long run.
What is your dd likely to be earning in 5 years compared to your ds?
Dd might be out earning ds now but will this be the case and will they both be able to live independently, afford a house etc?
By paying/ supporting ds at uni you're effectively investing in his future career/lifestyle. How are you investing in dd future career/lifestyle?

There really needs to be more information on the current maintenance loans set up. Parental support is expected and the student has their loan reduced accordingly. DS1 has a holiday job but has found it impossible to find a term time job with suitable hours and so have his housemates. A friend has just had to split up with her partner of five years as he has no intention of supporting her children through university and his income takes their loans to the minimum amount.