One at Uni, one at work…

[BelleClapper]

How do you square this without causing resentment?

Dd (17) is working full time on an apprenticeship course. We are charging her rent/keep/petrol equivalent to 25% of her take home.

DS (18) up until now was planning to leave college and get a job. He announced yesterday that he is now accepting the three University offers he got a while back. As an aside he’s just split up with his GF of two years who was absolutely definitely in no way the reason he wasn’t going…

So we will be in a position of taking money from DD and sending money to DS. Which has totally changed the dynamic. I’m really conscious of causing resentment from DD who already suffers a bit with middle child syndrome and jealousy.

If you’ve been in this situation what did you do? I want DD to contribute for lots of reasons, none of which go away just because DS now needs three more years of support.

We have almost this exact situation. DS is working full time and DD at uni. We take £250 a month rent from DS and fund DD so she has £100 a week to live on during term times. During holidays she works in her part time job but pays us no keep.

We take money from DS as we felt it was important for his sense of self worth. He takes pride in being a contributing member of the household and subsequently being viewed and treated as a functioning adult. He knows he will be supported if he chooses to access education and has recently started exploring internship options so a conversation may be had soon.

In the meantime he's happily saving for a new car whilst she's bemoaning at not having one at all and in true sibling fashion, he teases her he's paying towards her keep and she teases him he is still living at home with 'mummy and daddy'. They seem to both be taking it in their stride.

University students can travel from home, study close to home, work and get grants in addition to the loan that they can pay back when they are working.
Your son has effectively chosen to be in a position where he requires your continued financial support and you haven't questioned that, which would be fine if it were equitable for your daughter.
Without doing any calcs, I'm guessing £12k per month is less than minimum wage.
If you want her to learn to save, buy her a book on basic personal finance.
There is much more to it that having money taken from you by your parents.
If you make your daughter pay by her way during what is effectively education, yes, she's going to resent you.

Tricky, but she's only 17, she's a child in my eyes. There's plenty of time for tough life lessons.

And charging one rent and subsidising the other could very well give the message that you think university is better than an apprenticeship, and that she is worth less to you. That isn't how you see it, of course, but you can surely understand that she might feel that way?

How about just asking for 1/3 of the groceries (presuming there's 3 of you in the house) but not charging rent? Charging a child rent does seam harsh to me.

@a8mint

...and as for choose a cheaper university! What sort of parent would encourage their child to turn down say Durham and go to Bolton instead

I think it's because the 'if she's earning she should contribute' perspective is viewing DD's choice of training in terms of monetary value, people are applying the same perspective to DS's choice.

@LunarSea

Our 19 year old living at home student with a job too pays £200 / month food and board - which actually goes into a help to buy ISA for him (so potentially 25% bonus on that if he eventually uses it towards a house/flat). He's "paying" in terms of committing that much income each month, but we are don't derive any benefit from it.

Even in cases like this, your son would likely get a greater benefit from being taught the value if an isa (H2B or otherwise) and allowed to make a conscious decision to save and invest himself. You're not really teaching anything.

Give your daughter the money back when she leaves home. Taught her a life lesson and not being unfair.

@DeadlyMedally

University students can travel from home, study close to home, work and get grants in addition to the loan that they can pay back when they are working. Your son has effectively chosen to be in a position where he requires your continued financial support and you haven't questioned that, which would be fine if it were equitable for your daughter. Without doing any calcs, I'm guessing £12k per month is less than minimum wage. If you want her to learn to save, buy her a book on basic personal finance. There is much more to it that having money taken from you by your parents. If you make your daughter pay by her way during what is effectively education, yes, she's going to resent you.

It's considerably more than minimum wage for a 17 year old.

I am going to admit upfront that in my social group and DD’s school in particular, a path other than university is extremely rare.

You aren’t treating them unfairly. One of your children has chosen to skip university and do an apprenticeship instead. That was the child’s choice and it means it is time to start paying for at least a portion of living expenses. Your other child is still in traditional education and you have a moral responsibility to provide financial support.

25%
Fucks sake
I’d only do that if we were about to be made homeless

I agree with others about saving the money for her that she pays you

@BelleClapper Maintenance grant will only cover two thirds of rent, for a start.

So why doesn't he get a part time job to earn the shortfall. It's what most Uni students do

One of your children has chosen to skip university and do an apprenticeship instead.

Or one of them has chosen to skip an apprenticeship and do university instead.

To challenge some of the thinking a bit... I’m now 40 but i had several periods of living at home rent free and I’ve never had any problems with debt or not realising I’d need to pay bills.

I had a part time job in school/college and the money was mine to keep. I had to save for my own car and pay petrol and insurance.

I had a gap year, I worked for 6 months, saved and travelled for 6 months. I learned to save and was grateful my mum didn’t charge me rent as it made my earning go further.

At uni I worked, took out a loan and paid my way. I wasn’t sent money from home and I wasn’t shocked that I had rent and bills.

After uni I returned home, worked and saved to go travelling again. Didn’t pay rent, again, very grateful.

After travelling I returned home again, lived there for a year rent free, got back on my feet, saved some money and bought a house aged 25. Ive never had trouble with debt or been surprised by mortgage and bills.

My mums policy was that life is hard enough and she’d like to make ours easier.

I was exceptionally grateful to my mother for not charging me rent and as adults myself and my siblings will happily pay maintenance bills, for gardening and cleaning now that she’s elderly and we have disposable income.

Just wanted to show that charging your children rent isn’t the only way to raise capable human beings.

OP what’s your daughters long term plan? Is she saving to move out or buy somewhere? If you don’t need that couple of hundred a month, letting her put it in savings could make a real difference to her future.

I agree with @Usernameismyname01 - just have it as a clear rule, if you are earning you contribute, if you are in education, you don't
That's what my parents said.

The result was at different times for different siblings:
Situation A: you're working full time and doing training, but we want full board, life skills, learn the value of money, blah blah blah.
Situation B: You're doing a course whilst working and doing placements, but you still need to pay us board
Situation C: you dropped out of college so of course you can live here for free for an extra year whilst you redo your courses. It's so tough for you. You have a part time job but you keep your money.
Situation D: You are going to university. You do realise we can't support you. Money doesn't grow on trees. You'll need need get a job if you want to study there.
Situation E (several years later): Of course you can have an allowance. Tuition fees are £9,000 now. Zero consideration that the cost of tuition fees was no different as it went to the university. Allowance given until early 20s.
Situation F: You've not got a job yet, live with us for free. You've got a job, live with us for free because it's only part time. Just chip into the food shop a few times. You quit your job, that's OK. Live for free.
Situation G: Yes you've already paid board, but can you just (insert things to buy whilst out that easily come to over £50). If you're going to Destination A, can I come with you... whilst we're out can we just go to Destination B that is actually completely out of the way and costs more in petrol and parking.

The reality was they, like many parents, were quite happy to keep moving the goal posts and engaged in mental gymnastics to claim it was fair.

So why doesn't he get a part time job to earn the shortfall. It's what most Uni students do

Because part time jobs rarely cover the shortfall in rent and the cost of living. Some parental support would still be required

[quote user1497207191]**@BelleClapper* Maintenance grant will only cover two thirds of rent, for a start.*

So why doesn't he get a part time job to earn the shortfall. It's what most Uni students do[/quote]
Most uni students get a job to help with their extra living expenses. Parents are expected to top up to the maximum loan amount. This has been said over and over.

Also your daughter has made quite a sensible decision and will feel like she’s being penalised for it. She’s avoiding loads of debt and not all university courses lead to a good wage, lots of students just live the high life for 3 years and leave in debt to minimum wage jobs. She sounds a smart cookie and will see it that you’re funding her brothers party life style.

If he wants you to pay his rent, he can stay at home.

I know lots of 17 year olds living elsewhere in order to either study or work away from their home area

Really? Lots?

One of ds' classmates went to a residential agricultural college at 16. The rest all attend local sixth form and technical colleges and live at home. There were over 200 in his Y11 year group.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.
£250 is not an unreasonable amount to charge.
If you are able to save a bit for her in the future, then great.
She is working, she needs to know that she needs to contribute to the house hold.
Your son's situation is different. will leave with debt.

There are a lot on entitled young adults out there and reading this thread I am not surprised. I paid rent as soon as I started work and I didn't expect not to.

OP you are doing absolutely the right thing.

Comefromaway
I agree with you that some parental support is expected at university. What I find upsetting is how many parents seem to think that their children are only deserving of support if they go to university.

@looptheloopinahulahoop

I know lots of 17 year olds living elsewhere in order to either study or work away from their home area

Really? Lots?

One of ds' classmates went to a residential agricultural college at 16. The rest all attend local sixth form and technical colleges and live at home. There were over 200 in his Y11 year group.

My daughter is a trainee dancer. It's very common for kids to leave home at 16 to study at a specialist college. She did it herself.

Or we also know some who moved away to get apprentiships in specialist areas not available locally.

So she is training for her career and gets 9k a year spend on herself.

Your ds is getting a degree and will get 9k a year (student loan plus means-tested parental contribution to loan) but that has cover rent, food, bills, and transport. He'll get a part-time job to make up the shortfall.

At the end of it your Dd will have the money you've taken and saved for her.
Your ds will have student debt.

I think your dd is better off here.

This is where being, and having, an only child has its advantages/limitations.

Personally I think you should treat your children as individuals and not make decisions for one based on the decisions you make for the other.

Each of the OP's kids have made different decisions and will be treated differently. There may be a time in the future when one is better off than the other and the OP may be able to help one more than the other. Heck, maybe one sibling will help out the other! My uncle helped my mother out financially when she divorced my dad.

Fairness is not the same as sameness.

I think your being unfair op. Your son could stay at uni u til he’s well into his 30s if he really wants. Will you still support him then?? I feel for your dd. How you going to feel when your son leaves uni and can’t get a job? Or gets nmw job cos he can’t get one in his chosen field ( which is highly likely). If I was your dd I’d not be best pleased with you tbh.

@Comefromaway
Only because the expectation is that a 17 year old does not have regular financial obligations and will be doing less onerous work than an adult.
I may be wrong, but I don't think a child taken into care would be expected to pay their own way before the age of 18 so it will come across as callous when a parent makes them.