Head teacher modelling domestic violence

[NoSleepforAYear]

First post in a very long while, although I always read lots I'm not very active on here. (All discussions seem to be over by the time I read through them). Very long, but don't want to drop feed.
DD is in year 5, small village school, lovely community feel etc. 1 boy in the class is very physical, nice lad, doesn't know his own strength, rough and tumble etc. Over the years he's hurt her many times, but I don't believe there's any malice in it, always just advised DD to make teacher aware and they're all friends again next day. Incident again this week that has been escalated to school because of some other issues, DD taken aside by HT and explained that he probably does it because he likes her a lot and doesn't know how to express that. Am I completely over reacting thinking that conversations like these belong in the dark ages? Surely this is saying "it's ok for him to hit you if he loves you?" Happy to hear that I'm being over sensitive and need to chill, but really concerned that opinions like this are why women are still living in violent relationships because it's been ingrained in them that this is just how it works.
Thank you if you read to the end, I don't want to kick up a fuss if I'm in the wrong here.

*drip feed

I completely agree. My dd is a very pretty girl and we have had a lot of problems with boys being physical. I will not accept that they do it because they like her and I will not have my dd told that. She is told every time that their behaviour is 100% unacceptable and she does not have to tolerate it. I would be writing a formal letter of complaint if our head had that attitude.

Wtf no that is not okay.
How did you hear about this? From your DD? It may have been lost in transaltion somewhere, (hopefully), I would be speaking to the head teacher directly.

Thats horrific. "He hits you because he likes you" is not a message to send to anyone, let alone kids.

I would 100% be raising this with the school.

Complain to the LA

Even if something has been "lost in translation" it is still serious. You would expect a headteacher to be able to speak to a pupil in a way that the pupil understands what was said.

No, that’s not a good message to give a child (or anyone else). Imagine perpetrators of domestic violence being told it’s ok because “he likes you.

Sorry messed that up a bit. !

I had a conversation with the head yesterday and she mentioned a bit of a love/hate relationship but when DD came home from school she told me HT said "this is a special secret, but I think"....
I'm just so shocked that I can't believe it was said, and am desperately hoping it has somehow been misunderstood, but I can't see how it can have been. The reason for my conversation with the head was to gain clarification about a comment made by another teacher that both my DD and her friend have reported to us that I thought must have been misheard, HT says original comment along the lines of "you mustn't keep running home and telling your parents" was definitely misunderstood, by both children. We've had no issues with the school in 6years, but I've completely lost all trust this week and tbh I'm a bit of a mess about it.

I wouldn’t let that be either and would be raising it with the school.
Next you’d hear boys will be boys as an excuse!

If someone hit me I doubt it’s because they just like me so much and can’t articulate their feelings ever being an acceptable excuse. I won’t accept that for my kids.

Thank you, I'm quite emotional about it and wanted to sense check myself before a formal complaint.

Completely unacceptable, but short of removing her I doubt you'll resolve it

No amount of training of the teacher is likely to change those entrenched beliefs!

HT says original comment along the lines of "you mustn't keep running home and telling your parents" was definitely misunderstood, by both children

You what now?! I don't like the sound of this and I'd be emailing a list of questions for full clarification to create a paper trail. The school has a duty to keep your DD safe, doesn't sound like they are fulfilling it.

I'd hit the roof.

We had a similar line of “because he likes her” bullshit from our DD’s teacher in P5 when a boy kept targeting her and eventually threw a stone at her, hitting her in the back.

I was pretty pissed off, came down firmly on it and I hope you’ll feel confident in doing the same.

Always told DD it doesn’t matter if a boy likes her, he lays a hand on her she goes to a teacher or tells me, no one has a right to hurt her whether they like her or not

Ask to see the schools safeguarding policy and cdp-evidence regarding the ‘special secret’. From any adult in a school this language alone is inappropriate and should be logged

I'm very non confrontational, but this has me wanting to storm in and cause havoc! Luckily Covid regs will prevent that.
With only a year left I don't want to move her, or make things difficult for her, but I don't feel comfortable letting this slide.

We had a similar issue once with a boy who kept hitting dd1. A teacher used the same excuse. DH complained to the Headteacher and explained in no uncertain terms that it was not ok to excuse violence towards anyone on the basis that they like you. You wouldn't say it to an adult so why a child?! Luckily the Headteacher agreed and it was dealt with. Complain to the LA.

@Peppaismyrolemodel

Ask to see the schools safeguarding policy and cdp-evidence regarding the ‘special secret’. From any adult in a school this language alone is inappropriate and should be logged

HT did say she could share the special secret with Mummy and Daddy, but no-one else. But the previous comment regarding telling tales out of school was from the safe guarding lead....

Christ I’d be fuming about that comment. There’s lots of reasons why this boy may be overly physical and a poor judge of how he’s hurting people and that should be addressed but that’s a terrible message to send your dd.

I’m not particularly surprised though I see lots of ways in which girls are continued to be put in the “caring and mothering” role in schools and are learning at an early age how to “handle” boys by moderating their own behaviours and being hyper sensitive to the needs of boys with challenging behaviours. It’s really depressing (I say that as the mother of only boys)

Wtf..! Tell you a special secret?

That’s not acceptable at all.

I am more concerned about "this is a special secret...." Safeguarding no no 101.

I’d be bloody fuming if I were you.
That kind of backwards thinking should not be in schools at all, let alone from a head teacher!

Whether he likes her or not is utterly irrelevant and certainly shouldn’t be trotted out as an excuse for his behaviour towards her.
It’s a harmful thing to say, especially coming from an authority figure.

Christ of almighty. "Because he likes you" is never a good explanation for any form of physical, verbal or sexual harassment. The phrase "special secret" has no business being in the same county as a discussion about this too. Fuck me. Surely that kind of thing is on page 1 of "The Idiots' Guide to Basic Safeguarding". Definitely put your complaint in writing, keep a copy, and put the "special secret" bit in as a direct quotation so it's there in writing- that's pretty damning and hopefully will put some sense into her to take it seriously when she sees that it's diwn in black and white.