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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Head teacher modelling domestic violence

118 replies

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 11:28

First post in a very long while, although I always read lots I'm not very active on here. (All discussions seem to be over by the time I read through them). Very long, but don't want to drop feed.
DD is in year 5, small village school, lovely community feel etc. 1 boy in the class is very physical, nice lad, doesn't know his own strength, rough and tumble etc. Over the years he's hurt her many times, but I don't believe there's any malice in it, always just advised DD to make teacher aware and they're all friends again next day. Incident again this week that has been escalated to school because of some other issues, DD taken aside by HT and explained that he probably does it because he likes her a lot and doesn't know how to express that. Am I completely over reacting thinking that conversations like these belong in the dark ages? Surely this is saying "it's ok for him to hit you if he loves you?" Happy to hear that I'm being over sensitive and need to chill, but really concerned that opinions like this are why women are still living in violent relationships because it's been ingrained in them that this is just how it works.
Thank you if you read to the end, I don't want to kick up a fuss if I'm in the wrong here.

OP posts:
UmamiMammy · 20/05/2021 13:41

I'm a school governor and I am horrified at this............you should seriously consider putting in a formal complaint.

ArabellaScott · 20/05/2021 13:41

Also, the OP isn't likening the boy to an abuser, she's saying the HT's words and actions are suggesting it's okay to hit someone if you love them.

Which is obviously not true.

Watermelon222 · 20/05/2021 13:42

Is the head new or inexperienced? She sounds a bit out of her depth.

I also don’t like the special secret comment and would be surprised if anyone working in a school, especially a teacher, would say this. My friend is a TA and sometimes she relays to me things that she says to her class and that makes me cringe a bit, but I would have thought a teacher would be more aware of how it would sound.

The head sounds like she wants to brush it under the carpet with minimal fuss but unfortunately her role should be ensuring that the children are in a safe environment and learn how to treat each other with respect, something that not all of them will learn at home!

toocold54 · 20/05/2021 13:43

YANBU at all!
This is said to girls from a young age so they learn to put up with it when they’re women.

I wonder if he is your DDs friend the HT said it so it didn’t hurt her feelings so she won’t think he doesn’t like her or something. I can’t think why else HT would say it it’s completely unacceptable.

WaltzingToWalsingham · 20/05/2021 13:43

Is the HT an older lady? I think explaining away boys' bad behaviour as "because he likes you" was very common years ago, and is probably true in some cases.

However, given that more and more teen girls and young women are now subject to porn-inspired sexual violence (slapping, choking, hair pulling etc), I think this is a dangerous message to give a young girl, and this should be pointed out to the HT., who is possibly not aware of these problems.

Naunet · 20/05/2021 13:44

DD taken aside by HT and explained that he probably does it because he likes her a lot and doesn't know how to express that

I absolutely agree with you and would be furious at that comment. Not only does it train girls to believe men will hurt them if they like them and that is ok, but that a girl must prioritise the boys feelings over her own safety. It puts pressure on her to not complain about being hurt, but instead feel compassion for the boy who might like her. It takes away a girls voice.

Watermelon222 · 20/05/2021 13:44

“The safe guarding lead is the teacher that took them out of class and had a conversation about not needing to tell their parents everything that goes on in school.”

😮

Ohdeariedear · 20/05/2021 13:49

There are two ways you can take this, I think. The first is to not tell the HT what your daughter has said and ask for their recollections of what is said. Make her sweat.

“Could we have a discussion about how this situation is being handled. I’m deeply concerned about some of the conversations my daughter has reported having with you and (Other teacher) and I’d like to hear your version before I decide on my next steps. “

Or, you can be more open and say...

“I’d like to have a conversation with you about the ongoing situation. DD has reported a couple of conversations with you and (teacher) that concern me from a safeguarding point of view, as she was told to keep them a secret. Thankfully, she knew that was wrong and shared them with me. I therefore now have wider concerns about the general message being given to DD that (the boy) is only doing this because he likes her. I don’t like the connotations behind that message, however well-meaning it was on your part. Hitting is not acceptable in any situation and to suggest otherwise is ill-judged at best. I’d appreciate a chat with you about how we continue to support DD at this upsetting time for her and what you can do to safeguard her from any further attempts at violence.”

Personally, I’d go with the second - they respond better in my experience to ‘let’s work together’ rather than the all guns blazing approach. Whilst your natural inclination is to go and raise merry hell (believe me, I’ve been there), you’ve got to find a solution for this for DD. That’s your priority at this point. If you don’t get to a solution or you’re not happy with the solution, that’s when you raise merry hell! Best of luck and I hope your DD is ok.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 20/05/2021 13:50

God the comments under that YouTube video make me feel sick.

justasking111 · 20/05/2021 13:52

Year 5, they are ten, I would be talking to the police about this for advice. The school have lost the plot.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/05/2021 13:52

Oh look - it's in this Australian advert against domestic violence.
Perhaps you could show it to the Head teacher to show her just exactly how fucking wrong it is

ittakes2 · 20/05/2021 13:54

When my son was in reception he was being kicked by a boy with sensory issues and the mum explained he was kicking my son because he liked him. It actually made my son feel better as he thought he was kicking him because he was trying to hurt him. For me I think what is important is the FULL context of what the headteacher said. He might be hitting her because he likes her might be true statement ...but it certainly needs to be followed by...but that’s not acceptable on any level and this is what needs to happen next. I do think kids find it helpful to learn why other people do things - it’s just much more important they know their boundaries and what is not acceptable behaviour and what to do about it.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/05/2021 13:55

Yanbu. Awful using an excuse for it.

Nonmaquillee · 20/05/2021 13:55

..."he probably does it because he likes her a lot and doesn't know how to express that" - I would be bloody furious. How a) confusing for your DD - surely she knows that we don't hurt people we like? b) minimising of the boy's actions = c) a harmful message to your DD.

Nonmaquillee · 20/05/2021 13:57

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]Oh look - it's in this Australian advert against domestic violence.
Perhaps you could show it to the Head teacher to show her just exactly how fucking wrong it is [/quote]
This is really powerful. We need something similar in this country, too. Actually, it's needed around the world.
Thanks for sharing this.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/05/2021 14:02

Thank you - but I see I'm not the first to have posted it on this thread.
It's VERY useful, as is this one

Nonmaquillee · 20/05/2021 14:16

[quote ThumbWitchesAbroad]Thank you - but I see I'm not the first to have posted it on this thread.
It's VERY useful, as is this one

[/quote] Ah, that's bloody brilliant! Thanks!
SoupDragon · 20/05/2021 14:17

I think the fact that an adult in a position of authority told a child something was a "special secret" is equally inappropriate!

Thelnebriati · 20/05/2021 14:17

If you show videos to the safeguarding lead and Head, you won't have any idea if they will take it on board or change anything.
Report them to Offstead and let them look into it, because their training needs updating and they need to be monitored.

Namechangedforthistoday · 20/05/2021 14:21

@SoupDragon

I think the fact that an adult in a position of authority told a child something was a "special secret" is equally inappropriate!
🚩 🚩 🚩 more red flags than a bullfighting convention
Original poster
NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 14:21

@WaltzingToWalsingham

Is the HT an older lady? I think explaining away boys' bad behaviour as "because he likes you" was very common years ago, and is probably true in some cases.

However, given that more and more teen girls and young women are now subject to porn-inspired sexual violence (slapping, choking, hair pulling etc), I think this is a dangerous message to give a young girl, and this should be pointed out to the HT., who is possibly not aware of these problems.

In her 30's with young daughters
OP posts:
Neighneigh · 20/05/2021 14:30

As well as what others have said, I would be asking for school to confirm (in writing) what safeguarding qualifications or training the safeguarding lead has had because it sounds like fuck all....

Put everything in writing and don't let it go, they're really failing the children with those attitudes

AllotmentTime · 20/05/2021 14:31

It comes across as extremely lazy tbh.

Don’t tell your parents because they’ll come and complain to us and we’ll have to get off our arses and do something.

Put up with the boy hitting you because that makes our lives easier and we don’t have to stop him if we can convince you that actually it’s a good thing.

This HT just doesn’t want to bother doing the behaviour management that’s clearly needed.

Eviebeans · 20/05/2021 14:37

Perpetrators of dv often tell their partners "I wouldn't do it if I didn't love you so much"
What you're describing makes me think that things haven't moved on for years

Thoughtcontagion · 20/05/2021 14:38

My DD primary said this to another child too and I was absolutely livid because that’s not what we should be teaching I told the mother to complain as you are setting her up for life that her husband loves her so much he will beat her because the HT said.

We do not keep secrets, it’s ok to keep a surprises for birthday presents or parties

The fuck, that’s now the second time I’ve heard this shit must get taught it at HT school

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