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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Head teacher modelling domestic violence

118 replies

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 11:28

First post in a very long while, although I always read lots I'm not very active on here. (All discussions seem to be over by the time I read through them). Very long, but don't want to drop feed.
DD is in year 5, small village school, lovely community feel etc. 1 boy in the class is very physical, nice lad, doesn't know his own strength, rough and tumble etc. Over the years he's hurt her many times, but I don't believe there's any malice in it, always just advised DD to make teacher aware and they're all friends again next day. Incident again this week that has been escalated to school because of some other issues, DD taken aside by HT and explained that he probably does it because he likes her a lot and doesn't know how to express that. Am I completely over reacting thinking that conversations like these belong in the dark ages? Surely this is saying "it's ok for him to hit you if he loves you?" Happy to hear that I'm being over sensitive and need to chill, but really concerned that opinions like this are why women are still living in violent relationships because it's been ingrained in them that this is just how it works.
Thank you if you read to the end, I don't want to kick up a fuss if I'm in the wrong here.

OP posts:

Beachmum23 · 20/05/2021 12:01

I can't explain how livid that comment would make me and I would tale the matter to the Governors. Absolutely disgusting x

Original poster

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 12:02

@Suzi888

No, that’s not a good message to give a child (or anyone else). Imagine perpetrators of domestic violence being told it’s ok because “he likes you.

That's exactly my worry, it's almost pre-empting that for the future.

OP posts:

Comefromaway · 20/05/2021 12:05

It's totally unaceptable to say that.

I once had a situation where I explained to a child and their parent (a boy) that that the reason a particular girl kept invading his personal space and hugging him etc was that she had taken a shine to him but her particular learning needs that meant she didn't understand personal space (I had permission of the girl's parents and her condition was visible). I explained what we were putting in place to both help her understand and to make sure he wasn't made to feel uncomfortable (he also had SEN) .

I wonder if there might be some kind of SEN involved and the head has approached it wrongly. My own autistic son took years to understand this kind of boundary but we kept at it.

Bellringer · 20/05/2021 12:06

Also no child or vulnerable person to be encouraged to keep secrets or not tell parents

reallyreallyborednow · 20/05/2021 12:09

Send her this link:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_WcaIkWYuk

Original poster

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 12:13

That's brilliant, thank you.

OP posts:

DianeCherry · 20/05/2021 12:13

[quote reallyreallyborednow]Send her this link:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_WcaIkWYuk[/quote]
That's very powerful and bang on

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 20/05/2021 12:13

We had v similar but with my older dd when she was 14.
A boy in her tutor thought it acceptable to keep twanging bras and then playing with her hair etc etc til it got to a stage where he put his hand inside her shirt

I called the school immediately and the pastoral carer tried to play it down until I told her it's actually assault and whether he's likes her or not it's NOT how it should be.

It also became apparent my dd wasn't the only girl with issues with him.

I emailed the school copying in the pastoral team and very plainly told them if he want dealt with and actually educated on what's acceptable or not I would let our local authority know the situation and would make a police report as the school were not acting in the right way to sort it out.

They were basically saying it's because he likes the girls oh and he hasn't been taught at home about it and then it was because he came from a background of domestic violence.

I pointed out they need to break the cycle then

It was resolved however stand your ground op.

I was furious and emotional about how the school seemed to try and brush it all off.

All female staff aswel which was even worse

PinkSatinMoon · 20/05/2021 12:15

I would go Helter Skelter on that Teacher that told her this ... Im stunned I really am. 😱

Clearly the school does not want to deal with this lads issues or behaviour.

OP you cannot let this go, the one thing we teach our kids is not to keep secrets ffs.

Good luck OP 🌸

Original poster

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 12:18

@Comefromaway

It's totally unaceptable to say that.

I wonder if there might be some kind of SEN involved and the head has approached it wrongly. My own autistic son took years to understand this kind of boundary but we kept at it.

There may be some SEN considerations but they're not obvious ones if so, the school has a great reputation for SEN and two of DD's best friends have plans in place.

OP posts:

thatllberight · 20/05/2021 12:18

YANBU. I hate this narrative, I hear it in schools more often than I'd like. Also to echo those above the "special secret" thing is a big no no. I'd complain to HT initially and if you're not satisfied then go to the LA.

notatallsure313 · 20/05/2021 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Triffid1 · 20/05/2021 12:19

Completely unacceptable and quite shocking that old chestnut is still around. "He doesn't know how to act so he hurts you" is bollocks.

I'd be tempted to ask whether we'd use similar excuses for shoplifting? "Oh, she really just wanted that top but couldn't afford it and so she took it, it's not her fault."

Or perhaps lying? "She wanted to go on that school trip but her mummy wouldn't let her so she lied and said it was fine."

It might seem silly, but these examples ARE the same. The idea is that the child wants something and doesn't know how and/or can't get it, so that means unacceptable behaviour is okay?

I'd be raising hell.

Meghansego · 20/05/2021 12:20

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult

Thats horrific. "He hits you because he likes you" is not a message to send to anyone, let alone kids.

I would 100% be raising this with the school.

This.

VestaTilley · 20/05/2021 12:21

YANBU.

The Head teacher is totally wrong and needs to apologise to your DD. You should write a letter of complaint to the chair of governors.

Additionally- this boys behaviour is bullying. It needs dealing with properly before it escalates as he gets older. It’s not ok to say it’s rough and tumble. She needs protecting - you should insist he’s removed to another class or dealt with properly; don’t accept this as part of life. Your Dd deserves far better.

ThreeImaginaryBoys · 20/05/2021 12:22

'Special secret'?
That gives me chills.
The whole situation needs to be stamped on.

Original poster

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 12:24

I can assure you that I won't let this go, I just need to get my thoughts together to properly word my complaint. Thank you all again, it's easy to let emotion cloud your judgement, so some external opinions has really helped.

OP posts:

Original poster

NoSleepforAYear · 20/05/2021 12:26

@ThreeImaginaryBoys

'Special secret'? That gives me chills. The whole situation needs to be stamped on.

It terrified me too, but it was re-iterated that she could tell Mum and Dad, just not the other children

OP posts:

PinkSatinMoon · 20/05/2021 12:35

@NoSleepforAYear

Good on you... and rightly so.. I hope your DD is okay and understands this 'advice' was designed to keep her quiet ..

Im still speechless at what she was told. 😳

looptheloopinahulahoop · 20/05/2021 12:37

You don't hit/hurt people if you like them. How ridiculous.

Lots of good advice on here OP. I think it is ok to go in "all guns blazing"

(a) it is not ok to suggest to a girl that a boy is hitting her because he likes her

(b) special secret - yuck and not just because of safeguarding = ok she was told she could tell her parents, but then she was also told:

Insist on an action plan to safeguard your dd and that you expect staff to receive updated safeguarding training and say if you don't hear back within 7 working days you will be taking the matter further (LA, governors).

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 20/05/2021 12:38

As the parent of a little boy, I would be horrified if these sorts of excuses were made for violent behaviour from my DC so that, rather than learning from a young age that it was unacceptable, he grew up feeling immune from consequences and with entitled and abusive attitudes towards women. This approach is awful for your DD but it does the other child no favours either. It's a criminal offence and in a few years he'll be above the age of criminal responsibility. What a terrible attitude from the school.

TheDiddlyGang · 20/05/2021 12:39

Wow.
That very same statement was told to me over twenty years ago by the deputy head.

I really would have thought that in 2021 that sort of disgusting, misogynist, apologist behaviour would be a thing of the past.
Evidently not.

Complain to the LA and make it clear to DD she does not have to put up with that sort of shit

AlwaysColdHands · 20/05/2021 12:42

Absolutely complain further, and if it’s not satisfactory then go to Chair of Governors, then local authority. Would be interested to hear the responses you receive

Tlollj · 20/05/2021 12:42

I wouldn’t have left it this long tbh. First time he hurt her I’d would have said something.
But now for the headteacher no less to say it’s a ‘special secret’ and it’s because he likes her I’d be fit to be tied.

walchesterweasel · 20/05/2021 12:45

Insidious behaviour from the boy
I read the comments left for the Australian TV ad. They've got a long way to go !

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