Head teacher modelling domestic violence

[NoSleepforAYear]

First post in a very long while, although I always read lots I'm not very active on here. (All discussions seem to be over by the time I read through them). Very long, but don't want to drop feed.
DD is in year 5, small village school, lovely community feel etc. 1 boy in the class is very physical, nice lad, doesn't know his own strength, rough and tumble etc. Over the years he's hurt her many times, but I don't believe there's any malice in it, always just advised DD to make teacher aware and they're all friends again next day. Incident again this week that has been escalated to school because of some other issues, DD taken aside by HT and explained that he probably does it because he likes her a lot and doesn't know how to express that. Am I completely over reacting thinking that conversations like these belong in the dark ages? Surely this is saying "it's ok for him to hit you if he loves you?" Happy to hear that I'm being over sensitive and need to chill, but really concerned that opinions like this are why women are still living in violent relationships because it's been ingrained in them that this is just how it works.
Thank you if you read to the end, I don't want to kick up a fuss if I'm in the wrong here.

YES, very awful to read about things like this. a complaint should be made about the teacher immediately.

In the oldie days of schools, the parents would have been told about an offending child,and that they should reprimand a boy (usually) to stop this bad behaviour towards girls, and of course, to punish the offender in some way at school..

When my daughter was of school age in the 1980's. she sometimes had similar problems with a couple of boys at school, I think her first thoughts would have been to punch the boys haha, But any bad behaviour towards other students, would be dealt with, by getting the offender, to stand in front of the class, who would then feel humiliated being single out..But it usually worked, as the offenders thought twice about bad behaviour in the future.

There were no crappy words spoken by a teacher, just appropriate actions taken.

I'd really want the safe guarding lead in the meeting. The 'don't tell your parents every little thing' person.

A poster earlier suggested one approach is not to say word for word the reason you want to come into school for a meeting. Rather to say you have concerns about the way x, y, z situation was handled by HT and the SGL on whatever dates. To see if they remember the details of what they said. ie ''don't tell parents every little thing'', and the ''special secrets'', and ''he does it because he likes you things''.

Trouble with giving them too much of a head's up is that they then have time to come up with their word against the child's: 'i didn't quite say it like that chuckle chuckle' bollocks and put you right on the back foot OP. Be prepared for that. I've been there. Take someone with you to give a bit of support too.

I think the fact that an adult in a position of authority told a child something was a "special secret" is equally inappropriate!
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This is exactly what I think too @soupdragon. I wouldn't want my DC to have any 1:1 time with a person who said that.
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When you reply make sure you create a paper trail. I'd be CCing other staff members, including safeguarding lead.!

If this is a CofE school I'd be CCing the church governors in too.

Woah - no - that is not ok.

Why aren't they taking the boy aside and explaining he needs to adjust his behaviour and helping him learn effective ways to interact?

It is not your DD responsibility to accept being hurt and assume it's from a good place.

Oh and a word of warning.

My ds secondary school (he moved in the end) kept telling him they had "special secrets".

All I will say is that it was because they were doing things they shouldn't and knew I'd step in and I found out way after I had to move him they were bullying him and he was too scared to speak out because everything was a "special secret and a game and mum wouldn't understand"

This included things like him being sent to ask teachers to a long wait during PE because he struggled (he has asd)

The Aussie video is excellent, thanks for posting it.

@itsgettingwierd

Oh and a word of warning.

My ds secondary school (he moved in the end) kept telling him they had "special secrets".

All I will say is that it was because they were doing things they shouldn't and knew I'd step in and I found out way after I had to move him they were bullying him and he was too scared to speak out because everything was a "special secret and a game and mum wouldn't understand"

This included things like him being sent to ask teachers to a long wait during PE because he struggled (he has asd)

That’s awful! Your poor son. Glad he told you in the end and you got him out of there. Fucking wankers.

@itsgettingwierd

Oh and a word of warning.

My ds secondary school (he moved in the end) kept telling him they had "special secrets".

All I will say is that it was because they were doing things they shouldn't and knew I'd step in and I found out way after I had to move him they were bullying him and he was too scared to speak out because everything was a "special secret and a game and mum wouldn't understand"

This included things like him being sent to ask teachers to a long wait during PE because he struggled (he has asd)

This is awful, I'm so sorry it happened to your DS

@ThumbWitchesAbroad I’ve never seen that advert before thank you so much for sharing it. I will definitely be sharing it too x

Thanks everyone.

It's made me very wary of why school staff would ask a child to keep something a secret or say don't tell parents.

I work in education and I believe what I do is in the best interests of my pupils so believe it's a good thing they tell parents what we do and say.

If someone doesn't want others to know something it stands to reason it's because that person doesn't believe it's something they'd be happy to be in the public domain - which is terrifying.

Saying they have 'special secrets' but giving her permission to tell this specific 'special secret' to you along with saying they shouldn't tell their parents everything that happens in school makes me feel so uncomfortable op.

Surely this is saying "it's ok for him to hit you if he loves you?"

I wouldn't draw that inference at all. Explaining why someone does something is not the same thing as justifying them doing it.

I think you should make a paper trail and take this higher. If the head and safeguarding lead speak like this, a governor with responsibility for safeguarding is appropriate. Also ofsted as pps have said. There needs to be some very robust safeguarding training.

The 1950s wants the HT back - even ‘special secret’ is bizarre retro perv language. No wonder you are fuming.

However, they sound tone deaf, so I would stick to the toplines - very simply. and clearly. in writing to the head and whoever on the board manages them. Then you can pick it up in person.

@RandomLondoner

Surely this is saying "it's ok for him to hit you if he loves you?"

I wouldn't draw that inference at all. Explaining why someone does something is not the same thing as justifying them doing it.

It's not the same, no - but it leads the child to infer that "if someone hits me, they must like me, like the boy when I was at primary school and that's what the HT told me then".

This leads them to accepting more violence in their life - especially if she then sees that said boy had no retribution for hitting/pushing her over.

The MESSAGE is that "it's ok for him to hit me if he likes me".

how did you get on OP

With only a year left I don't want to move her, or make things difficult for her
I appreciate your POV - but someone needs to let this crackpot headteacher know that excusing violence is not OK - she/he should not be in post spreading this kind of garbage.
And get some intervention in the violent little thug's behaviour as well.

OP I agree with everything that has been said here. This is not ok and a conversation needs to be had at school. The safeguarding concerns are shocking.

However, I also think it’s worth mentioning your own wording in your first post:

“ 1 boy in the class is very physical, nice lad, doesn't know his own strength, rough and tumble etc. Over the years he's hurt her many times, but I don't believe there's any malice in it, always just advised DD to make teacher aware and they're all friends again next day. ”

It is hard as we want to teach our children to be resilient and get on with their peers. And I can see how in a small village school it is easier if everyone gets along and this has just become the accepted narrative for this boy’s behaviour. I also know how children can change from best friends to worst enemies and back again in the space of minutes!

In Year 5 this boy absolutely should know his own strength, assuming no SEN. Even if he does have SEN, why does the impact of this on his behaviour trump your daughter’s safety?

I think you should start to change the narrative from calling it ‘rough and tumble’ and support you daughter in understanding that she does not have to put up with being regularly hurt, with or without malice. There has to be a line drawn between being kind to others and not getting repeatedly hurt. And it is so important for your daughter to understand this.
You would also be doing her classmate a favour as he also needs to understand that his behaviour is not ok.

Good luck when you meet with the HT and well done for not letting their comments go unchecked.