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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH - first dibs on car use?

154 replies

Whippet · 19/05/2021 11:25

OK, I know this is first world probs etc and I'll try to keep it short.
At the moment we have 3 cars and 4 of us at home (Me, DH, two young adult DSs)

Cars are:

A 5 door SUV (e.g. Qashqai), 1.6L - "main car" in my name - only DH & I can drive
An old, small 1L 'runaround' 2 dr hatchback - all can drive
A classic sports car (expensive) - mostly kept in garage - Only DH can drive

To avoid drip-feeding, the sports car is a bit of a bone of contention, as I didn't agree with DH buying it. It's noisy and uncomfortable and I don't want to drive it / won't go anywhere in it (it gives me backache!).

DH is going to see his dad this weekend ( about 100 miles away). His dad has been unwell and they are unlikely to leave the house/go anywhere. FIL has his own car too, which DH is insured to drive. There's also the chance his trip will spill into next week, if his dad needs his help.

Anyway . . . this morning DH announces that he'll be taking the 'main' car this weekend as it's more comfortable on the motorway and better for FIL if they go out.

I said I thought he should take his sports car instead as that would leave 2 cars here for 3 of us, and also the bigger car in case the 3 of us want to go out together (there was discussion of a trip to a big retail park about 40 mins away).
DH has taken his sports car ("to give it a run") to his dad's before, so I don't see what the issue is? But he claims I'm being unreasonable and I have to "justify and tell him what I need the bigger car for" (WTF?)

AIBU?

OP posts:

Tartyflette · 19/05/2021 13:09

I was trying to suggest the 'macho thing' might be just be in his own mind. ☺️
Clearly not very well, and i certainly don't agree with it.

CrazyCatLazy · 19/05/2021 13:09

Of course YANBU. Your DH is expecting everybody else to bend around him when he’s had no issues taking the sports car before.
Totally on your side OP, I’d be put out by his entitlement on the offset too.

ElephantOfRisk · 19/05/2021 13:09

We are in a slightly similar situation apart from the sports car. 4 of us, DH has a largish estate and we have two city cars that all 4 of us can drive. Only DH and I are insured on the bigger car as it's still too expensive for young adult DSs.

I don't particularly like driving the big car anyway so DH will use that pretty much all the time and if we need to go anywhere as a family he will drive large car.

However, he does like taking the little cars for a spin. The difference to OPs DH is that if he has plans for something, he doesn't assume that he takes any [articular car without asking. He does use the big one on a daily basis just out of habit and it means that the cars I prefer are available and also that both DSs can go out separately if I'm okay to have no car. I could happily ask him to leave me the big car if I wanted and he'd take any other.

It' the assumption that is the big problem here when matched with the fact he has a car that only he can drive that he is not choosing to use. I'd use this as a trigger to have a conversation about that. That car could be swapped for something that all of you could drive.

rookiemere · 19/05/2021 13:10

@Chewbecca OP may not want to drive the sports car, I certainly didn't want to drive DHs when he owned one. It was noisy and smelly and gave me a headache, really low to the ground so difficult to see and very heavy steering and gear box. Also prone to breaking down at really inconvenient times. Oh and no suspension or padding. Just hideous really and I certainly wouldn't be driving it when it was DHs choice of vehicle.

partyatthepalace · 19/05/2021 13:11

I can see why you are annoyed - but he's on the motorway (?) and taking his elderly Dad out - so yes, he should have the main car for safety and parental comfort reasons. Assuming here that you can drive the runaround and your adult kids can work around you. (IE no one else has anything important on.)

However, if this is a scenario that happens regularly (say more than 2/3 times per year) then yes, he is being unreasonable because he is eating into your joint finances by maintaining a car that doesn't work for his needs. So if driving Grandpa is about to became a feature of your lives, he's got to give up the sportscar.

Original poster

Whippet · 19/05/2021 13:11

Yes, the sports car is almost certainly a mid-life crisis purchase (don't they call them meno-porsches ?)
It's a rare model and he also claims its an investment. Personally I'd always thought that cars diminished in value, but apparently not for some models?

I have absolutely zero interest in getting on the insurance and driving it. Not only does it give me back pain, but it only just fits in one side of our double garage and is a pain to get in and out. Moreover the fear of scraping an alloy or having someone ding it would just make it a totally unenjoyable experience for me.

OP posts:

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 19/05/2021 13:12

He told you he was taking the big car, so you can tell him that's he's not.

He can't object to you stating your wishes as fact if that's what he does.

In my opinion you have the upper hand as if he refuses you can tell him he needs to sell the sports car in favour of one you both wish to use, that might work out for the best anyway. Seems pointless to have a car that no one wants to drive.

Chewbecca · 19/05/2021 13:13

It sounds like your job for the weekend s going car shopping with DH’s credit card in that case.

freakyfridays · 19/05/2021 13:15

Nothing wrong with having a sports car if you can afford it (and yes, they can absolutely increase in value). Some people like to drive!

But unreasonable to leave you with no car, or no car big enough to fit the 3 of you, which is the same.

He's a numpty, if he likes his sports car so much, he should jump at the chance to drive it! Why does he need to take the motorway? He can choose a route making the most of the drive instead.

of course he's BU.

ElephantOfRisk · 19/05/2021 13:17

So the sports car isn't really seen as a vehicle to be driven, it's an investment/objet d'art? So in all practicality, you have 2 cars between the 4 of you with 2 of you only being able to drive one of them? So I think you need to look at upgrading the "boys" car to something that is more practical for 4 people so that there are two useful vehicles and if he wants to and can afford to have his large art installation using up the garage as well then that's up to him?

WutheringTights · 19/05/2021 13:17

If he takes the family car then the kids need to go on the insurance of the classic car so that they can drive it that weekend and you can use the runabout to do what you want to do. That'll sort it. 😁

Famousinlove · 19/05/2021 13:23

It's probably time to get rid of the sports car then. My DP's dad has a classic sports car and DP loves taking it out on the motorway/for long trips, his dad wants him to drive it to keep it running and in good condition.
I don't like driving it as it's too powerful and im sat so low down i can't see very well and the steering is very heavy. If he refuses to take it you should tell him to either get himself another car or get rid of the sports car

ChloeCrocodile · 19/05/2021 13:23

I'd just say no tbh. If he takes the main car, it leaves you and your DSs sharing one car between three people. If he takes his own car that leaves you sharing 2 cars between three people.

Loads of things could happen that mean more than one of you wants to drive over the weekend, especially when you live in a village. Meeting up with friends, nipping to the shop, driving to a nice, safe walking spot etc.

If he honestly cannot see the problem with reducing your car availability for the weekend then he's a dick who doesn't care about inconveniencing his wife and children.

MiddlesexGirl · 19/05/2021 13:26

No reasonable person would leave one car between three if that could be avoided. It doesn't matter if there are plans or not, why should one or more of the three at home have to stay at home when the issue can be avoided by the person taking the car which they chose to buy.

aiwblam · 19/05/2021 13:29

The problem is you have one practical car and two stupid cars.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 19/05/2021 13:29

Nope. He takes his dick mobile to his dad's. He bought it to drive. What Jackie said. I'd be in the car using it when he is meant to take off in it.

jackstini · 19/05/2021 13:37

His sports car so here is his choice - he either uses it or loses it...!

freakyfridays · 19/05/2021 13:37

An old, small 1L 'runaround' 2 dr hatchback - all can drive

You can even squeeze 3 people in a Fiat 500, so how small is that thing? It's a smart?

Sunshinegirl82 · 19/05/2021 13:40

I agree it's the lack of consultation or consideration that's the issue here. Why wasn't this a discussion? Why did he just announce his intention? Does he often do things like that?

If he's not happy to take the sports car then he can hire a car for the weekend that is more appropriate or get the train and use his dad's car whilst away.

MangoBiscuit · 19/05/2021 13:46

@freakyfridays

An old, small 1L 'runaround' 2 dr hatchback - all can drive

You can even squeeze 3 people in a Fiat 500, so how small is that thing? It's a smart?

Technically you can, but I can assure that being 6 foot plus in the back of a fiat 500 is not a comfortable experience.

OP has sciatica, both sons are over 6 foot, no one would find it pleasant being the passenger in the back, and there's no reason to when the OPs car will fit all of them comfortably.

freakyfridays · 19/05/2021 13:47

So I think you need to look at upgrading the "boys" car to something that is more practical for 4 people so that there are two useful vehicles

Absolutely.
Bit too late for this weekend, but having the smaller car sounds pointless if you can't even drive with 3 people in it.

MsMarch · 19/05/2021 13:47

Why are men such dicks about this sort of thing? We have two cars as both are freelancers. One died so we had one car while we researched options for new car. DH tends to have kids and he needs the car for work, so he had the car. I walked or used public transport to get to kids school (when I was taking them) or to my (local) office. As we are in final stages of choosing new car, DH casually says, "Oh, maybe we shouldn't spend the money - I mean, one car hasn't been so bad?"

Let's just say he backed down very very quickly as I was absolutely LIVID. Mostly because he hadn't even NOTICED how I had been accommodating him having the car. It still makes me cross now, 4 years later.

OP - he's a twit. By Wednesday, I wouldn't have even begun to firm up the more casual plans for the weekend for which I might need the car such as a spontaneous walk with a friend or a trip into a bigger town for shopping. And I assume your DC tend to have first dibs on the small car, plus active social lives?

SylHellais · 19/05/2021 13:47

What’s the sports car? Dying to know now!

diddl · 19/05/2021 13:47

@Palavah

No question, he should take the sports car. Why does he have it if he's not going to use it for trips like this?

Exactly!

Surely this is just the "job" for this car?

If not, what's the point of it?

Might as well sell it whilst he's away if he doesn't go in it!

thenewduchessofhastings · 19/05/2021 13:48

@Whippet

I'm betting the "sports car" lives in a garage and only comes out in nice weather and he's probably have a shit fit if you suggested that yes you'd like to drive said sports car.

In fact maybe do that;suggest as he's taking the family car then you can be added to the insurance on the sports car and taking the 3 of you to the retail park in that.......

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