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Original poster

Not attracted to someone because of dirty home

117 replies

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 09:05

I have been seeing someone new since Covid restrictions have been eased. Last night, I visited her home for the first time. I was a bit surprised to find stained carpets, sticky floors and countertops, and a bit of a whiffy bathroom.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means. My own home wouldn’t pass a dust test, but this was a bit much, it made me reluctant to come into contact with things. Maybe Covid has made me more aware than I had been.

This should should not be a big deal, people can have all sorts of unfortunate and unavoidable reasons why this may have happened to them. The solution I suppose would be simply to use my home if we want to be indoors... but what if she does the same thing to mine?

She is otherwise immaculately clean and well presented herself.

Am I being unreasonable to have my level of attraction to her affected by this? I’m trying not to think this way, but I can’t help it and I don’t want to visit again. I don’t know how to say this without causing offence or embarrassment.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
CovoidOfAllHumanity · 19/05/2021 09:10

What you should worry about is that that was probably what it looked like after she'd cleaned up for you!

People have strikingly different attitudes on this stuff. Neither of you is really wrong (as long as hers isn't a health hazard) just different. I have some dear friends whose homes I would not want to live in due to dirty kitchen and bathroom and unhoovered floors but also some who put my level of cleaning to shame.

Only you can decide if it's a big issue. It is the kind of thing that people don't find easy to change though and you would be unreasonable to ask that.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/05/2021 09:10

I think this is a positive thing in the long term, I would invite them to mine and see if they pick up on what the differences in approach to cleanliness are.

If you can have an open discussion and meet in the middle with standards, then it's a good sign for a mature relationship - huffy defensiveness would make me think the relationship has really got the legs I'd hope.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 19/05/2021 09:10

It would be a deal breaker for me too. That and hoarding. It's a matter of basic comparability.

Timeforabiscuit · 19/05/2021 09:12

*hasn't

MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 09:12

You can be turned off by anything, and you can end a relationship for any reason. I’m by no means a clean freak, but I wouldn’t want to continue in a relationship with someone whose home environment was dirty.

TheQueef · 19/05/2021 09:13

If it bothers you now (on best behaviour as PP said) it'll be a problem.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/05/2021 09:14

It would be a deal breaker for me as well. Imagine if you end up living together and she's a total slob? It would drive you demented.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2021 09:14

This would put me off hugely. I find lack of hygiene deeply unattractive and to know someone lives like that, and even possibly knew you were coming and still had it like that would be off putting. The only caveat would be is if she is mentally unwell ans unable to cope. Which clearly gives a different discussion.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/05/2021 09:15

This should should not be a big deal

Of course it's a big deal, it lends to your compatibility. Many, many people have lied to themselves that their partner's messiness wasn't an issue, and then years down the road they find themselves at breaking point because they just can't deal with it. It definitely matters.

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/05/2021 09:17

YANBU
It’s perfectly fine to end a budding relationship over unclean living standards. Better now than when living together to you doing all the cleaning because they don’t “see” the mess or mAke it out to be “your” problem.

SympathyFatigue · 19/05/2021 09:17

Deal breaker for me but that's because I can picture my future being the person who gets the joy of cleaning because I'm 'fussy' have 'high standards' while they 'knew what I was like...' 'don't see mess' etc.
I think it's really grubby to invite someone over and your house be dirty. Toilets can be cleaned very easily.
Mess is one thing, especially with kids but if she's got only herself living there then imagine the future.... picture it, they don't change. They don't suddenly look at clean toilets and go 'ahhh...you clean these things?'

If you're bothered by it now in honeymoon phase, imagine the future out of rose tinted glasses.

My ex had a mould covered bathroom. First time I stayed over i bleached it. Was awful.

BrumBoo · 19/05/2021 09:17

A messy person who doesn't 'see' dirt is impossible to change, from my experience. It's exhausting living like that, especially when there's times in life when you may need them to pick up the slack.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means.

Please don't use a MH issues like OCD to be glib.

ShirleyPhallus · 19/05/2021 09:17

I suspect this is how lots of people end up married for 20 years and utterly despising how dirty and messy and lazy the other person is.

As the old MN adage goes “when a person tells you who they are, listen”

ConfusedAdultFemale · 19/05/2021 09:18

Stained carpets - does she have young children? I didn’t replace my stained carpets until I was able to afford to laminate instead. There would have been no point, the new carpets would have ended up a state. My kitchen and bathroom floors are always oddly sticky only after I’ve mopped for some reason, not figured out why but I’m assuming it’s because it’s lino as my laminate doesn’t get sticky after mopping.

Were the countertops just sticky or were they covered in crumbs and mess? Just sticky countertops without crumbs or dirt on them could also be because of the cleaner used. Wiffy bathroom, unsure. Mine doesn’t smell the greatest after it’s just been used, especially by kids who haven’t opened the window after they’ve pooped. But was it otherwise clean and just a bit smelly, or was it dirty?

MindtheBelleek · 19/05/2021 09:20

And yes, as @CovoidOfAllHumanity said, if she knew you were coming, this is her version of public-facing and ‘visitor-ready’.

I remember the only time I visited a work friend I’d known for a long time at home, when I was travelling back from somewhere and he invited me to meet his family, so he knew a week in advance I was coming. I could still barely get through the front door because of the heaps of stuff lying around on the floor, and when I saw the kitchen after I’d accepted a cup of tea, I suddenly felt retrospectively horrified I’d eaten things he’d cooked and brought to work. He was also a personally very neat and tidy man, and an affluent one. I think they had a weekly or fortnightly cleaner.

It was less the dirt and disorder, than the fact that he clearly didn’t see it at all, or perceive any difference with my house when he visited.

notanothertakeaway · 19/05/2021 09:20

@Timeforabiscuit

I think this is a positive thing in the long term, I would invite them to mine and see if they pick up on what the differences in approach to cleanliness are.

If you can have an open discussion and meet in the middle with standards, then it's a good sign for a mature relationship - huffy defensiveness would make me think the relationship has really got the legs I'd hope.

Many women on here have ignored signs their partner is a slob, assuming he would up his game when they move in. Spoiler alert, he doesn't, and she ends up doing all the cleaning and increasingly resentful

I think this is a sign that OP and partner may not be compatible. Stained carpets could be due to cost replacement, but no 3xcuse for sticky floor and stinky bathroom

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 19/05/2021 09:20

This has put me off someone in the past. When I was much younger I really liked a guy until I went back to his place and I just couldn’t deal with it. He lived in a house share with 3 other men and they basically lived in squalor. The bathroom was the worst bit, I had a shower one morning and I felt like I needed a dettol bath after using it. Just thick with grime, the toilet was literally brown, it all smelt, they had no hand wash either which is just vile. His bedroom wasn’t too bad but not great. Had a weird smell, doubt he changed his bedding very often and he kept a fridge/freezer next to his bed to stop people stealing his food so it wasn’t the most homely. I couldn’t deal with it so ended things even though I really liked him.

Velvian · 19/05/2021 09:21

YANBU. It would be a no from me too.

grapewine · 19/05/2021 09:28

YANBU. You can end a relationship for any reason.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means

A person isn't OCD, they might have OCD. Please don't trivialise mental illness.

gamerchick · 19/05/2021 09:28

I couldn't have a long term relationship with someone who was messy again. Even if you never live together, it naturally gravitated to spending the most time in the tidy house where they bring their messy ways with them.

SweatyBetty20 · 19/05/2021 09:29

For me it would depend on whether you honestly thought the relationship otherwise had legs. My boyfriend's house is a bit of a tip, but it's fairly clean - he has two kids as he's a 50/50 dad, so it'll never be tidy or spotless. I'd rather spend our time at my place so it doesn't bother me. I don't clean his house or even offer to - that's his responsibility. But, I've been setting out my stall early - I've made it clear that should we ever move in together, there would have to be a MAJOR purge beforehand - he has a loft, a cellar, a garage and a shed, which are filled with bikes (many!), surfing stuff, tools, archery stuff, walking stuff, toys, craft stuff etc. He's the loveliest man I've ever met, and I'd be stupid to throw that away, but equally, I'm not going to fit into the way he lives; we'll have to organise a new way to live together that is satisfactory for both of us.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 19/05/2021 09:29

it would and has put me off someone, my house isn't perfect by any means, it is clean but not always tidy looking at my ironing chair of doom

Timeforabiscuit · 19/05/2021 09:30

Just to clarify, if they didn't substantially up their game, it would be an absolute dealbreaker!

Agree that a hazy "they'll change when we move in together" is a recipe for disaster.

Shoxfordian · 19/05/2021 09:32

It would be an issue for me because if you ever live together then guess who’s doing all the cleaning?

BilboBercow · 19/05/2021 09:32

Ross is that you?

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