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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not attracted to someone because of dirty home

117 replies

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 09:05

I have been seeing someone new since Covid restrictions have been eased. Last night, I visited her home for the first time. I was a bit surprised to find stained carpets, sticky floors and countertops, and a bit of a whiffy bathroom.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means. My own home wouldn’t pass a dust test, but this was a bit much, it made me reluctant to come into contact with things. Maybe Covid has made me more aware than I had been.

This should should not be a big deal, people can have all sorts of unfortunate and unavoidable reasons why this may have happened to them. The solution I suppose would be simply to use my home if we want to be indoors... but what if she does the same thing to mine?

She is otherwise immaculately clean and well presented herself.

Am I being unreasonable to have my level of attraction to her affected by this? I’m trying not to think this way, but I can’t help it and I don’t want to visit again. I don’t know how to say this without causing offence or embarrassment.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:

JanuaryJonez · 19/05/2021 11:27

Blackheartsgirl makes a very good point. How much do you like her? Enough to want to help her if she's struggling with something?

I think our home looks immaculate, but my sister was down last week and offered to "tidy up after the kid's lunch". I thought she meant load dishwasher and wipe surfaces but she went nuts - bleaching surfaces, Flash on the floor, Viakal on sink etc. I ended up being slightly resentful though I didn't show it. When we joked about it later she's said "Yes...you tend to clean only what you can see!"

But she doesn't have DCs and is a workaholic and fitness freak who literally can't stay still!

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 11:37

@mainsfed

This is what the courtship process is for, weeding out people who do not suit you, for whatever reason. No one is owed a date.

Who put in the new carpets, her or a LL?

She bought the house after a previous owner had newly refurbished.

OP posts:

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 11:43

@JanuaryJonez

Blackheartsgirl makes a very good point. How much do you like her? Enough to want to help her if she's struggling with something?

But she doesn't have DCs and is a workaholic and fitness freak who literally can't stay still!

I’d be delighted! Not if a friend did it, family’s different, I’ve done the same myself for others.

I do like her enough to help her, but I fear this level of dirt my not be something I can ever cure, and even though it’s not upsetting me now, it may do so after long exposure. I really value being able to relax in an ordinary hygienic environment.

I would have liked to spread the time in each other’s homes, rather than having to bear that whole load myself. Clearly I wouldn’t be expecting her help after this.

OP posts:

mainsfed · 19/05/2021 11:47

She bought the house after a previous owner had newly refurbished.

Thanks. I just think most people would try and keep new carpets/newly refurbished house looking new for as long as possible (bar any mental health issues).

I also speak as someone who cleans desultorily but I draw the line at stained carpets! There is one stain that won't shift, but this sounds like copious staining on new carpets?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 19/05/2021 11:51

My advice would be to assume she won’t change, and assess how much you want to be with her on that basis. Ignore the ‘Maybe she doesn’t know how to clean properly’, ‘Maybe she isn’t using the right products’, ‘Maybe she’s got out of the habit with Covid and all’, ‘Maybe if you help her do a deep clean and then insist she keeps it up...’ type comments. While all of those things could be true/could happen, it’s just, if not more likely, that she isn’t that bothered about cleaning. If that really is a deal breaker, it isn’t fair to either of you to continue.

Also, remember attraction is a two-way street. What you consider trying to help, she may consider to be interfering. You might end up as the ex she tells people about who ‘moaned on and on about the cleaning’.

BelleClapper · 19/05/2021 11:53

When I first went to DHs flat I was pretty disgusted. It was minging, and unloved, all his furniture was hand me downs (the sofa actually looked like it was from a skip, it was chintz ffs and this was 2005).

Just generally unloved and messy and dirty.

He’s actually surprisingly house proud in the houses we’ve owned together. This was his bachelor pad and he didn’t see the need to make it nice.

I’m glad I didn’t judge him based on that flat.

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 12:04

@BelleClapper, what a happy ending, how brilliant for you.

My person is a 43 year old parent with a bought and paid for home. I wish I could be as hopeful.

My relative used to be one of the most monumental mess makers I had ever seen in my life, and now has the most immaculate house, with 3 children under 7, I really don’t know how they do it, amazing. People can change, they just need a really good and rewarding reason. Except when it is matters of mental health, of course.

OP posts:

dudsville · 19/05/2021 12:07

Physical cleanliness and home cleanliness are so important. It would put me off too op.

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 12:09

@mainsfed

She bought the house after a previous owner had newly refurbished.

Thanks. I just think most people would try and keep new carpets/newly refurbished house looking new for as long as possible (bar any mental health issues).

I also speak as someone who cleans desultorily but I draw the line at stained carpets! There is one stain that won't shift, but this sounds like copious staining on new carpets?

@Mainsfed I also speak as someone who cleans desultorily but I draw the line at stained carpets! There is one stain that won't shift, but this sounds like copious staining on new carpets?

Desultorily... great word. I have to admit I’m the same.

Carpet was very freely and creatively decorated with large unidentifiable stains. Not just the odd meal or cup of something that hadn’t been wiped.
I know some stains can’t come out at all, but these were rather a lot.

OP posts:

castemary · 19/05/2021 12:10

OP does not say how much staining there is. The mother has a special needs child. I have stains in one bedroom carpet caused by poo. Trying to remove poo stains a few hours after you have discovered them is impossible.
I have no idea what caused stains in this mothers carpet, but smearing poo is not uncommon amongst some types of special needs.
But the OP is not right for this woman. If I was meeting a new DP he would have to understand the issues I have to manage and the consequences.

Cloverleaf20 · 19/05/2021 12:16

That would definitely put me off and she probably won’t change ! My husband was messy when I met him and guess what still is! A constant battle to keep our house tidy, it gets me down !!

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 12:17

@Castemary, now that you mention, they did not look dissimilar to something like that.

This had not ever been mentioned to me, so I didn’t think of it. Her son was with his father during this visit, and on our other outings. I have not met her son yet. I had assumed a more challenging home life might have been mentioned.

If her child’s needs are constant and unrelenting, it might explain things. Although he spends part of his time with his other parent.

OP posts:

grapewine · 19/05/2021 12:20

Does how you feel come across to her? In that case, she might save you the trouble of making a decision.

Gymsmile21 · 19/05/2021 12:22

That’s a strong no from me. Couldn’t deal with that.

Neonprint · 19/05/2021 12:22

Please don't use OCD like this it's a mental illness not about cleaning.

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 12:22

@castemary

OP does not say how much staining there is. The mother has a special needs child. I have stains in one bedroom carpet caused by poo. Trying to remove poo stains a few hours after you have discovered them is impossible. I have no idea what caused stains in this mothers carpet, but smearing poo is not uncommon amongst some types of special needs. But the OP is not right for this woman. If I was meeting a new DP he would have to understand the issues I have to manage and the consequences.

I’m so sorry you have been through this. I sincerely sympathise, and I apologise for any discomfort I have caused to you or other parents reading this in a similar situation. I really cannot imagine how hard it must be, and ignorant or ill considered reactions must feel awful.

OP posts:

SusieSusieSoo · 19/05/2021 12:29

It was a contributing factor for me - not the dealbreaker but seeing his home really did make a huge difference.

I will never forget ds taking his shoes off and walking on the dirty (filthy/dusty but not dangerous) carpet in the house and wanting to pick him up and carry him back out to the car (dp was a LT relationship but he was in the process of relocating when we met & it took over a year before he had a home near us so I'd never seen his home until then).

Pinkylemons · 19/05/2021 12:36

Nope not unreasonable at all. It would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. The fact that they invited you there knowing the state of the place is shocking.

Diamondnights · 19/05/2021 13:03

I would be tempted to have a light chat about the dirt in case it could be temporary/ unusual etc., but being v careful to not seem to be judgemental or critical. If nothing changes/ it cannot be changed, it seems you are incompatible. Better to discover this early I suppose.

Justcallmebebes · 19/05/2021 13:07

Oooh it's a no from me. I can cope with a bit of mess (kind of, in someone else's home) but not dirt. I absolutely couldn't live with someone who was messy and untidy and definitely not if they were comfortable in a dirty environment.

Your post has made me itch

Original poster

BookiesBicycle · 19/05/2021 13:23

@grapewine

Does how you feel come across to her? In that case, she might save you the trouble of making a decision.

No. I’m not interested in being mean. I behaved as usual and wanted us both to enjoy the evening as much as we usually did.

OP posts:

backtowasteanotherhour · 19/05/2021 13:39

Unless you're willing to lower your standards or do the all cleaning yourself, this could be a real problem.

You're incompatible in this way. You may decide it's not a deal-breaker, but it is an incompatibility. I wouldn't waste time thinking up excuses for why her home was dirty. She didn't warn you or explain/make excuses for herself. That tells you she either didn't notice it or didn't think it worth mentioning, so it's normal for her.

EnidPrunehat · 19/05/2021 13:41

I'd be cautious because yes, I'd could easily be put off by the sort of casual grime that suggests this is the way that someone is happy to live in. My experience of an ex-H who really didn't have much interest in keeping houses clean was one where I became deeply resentful over the years because actually, while I can allow my standards to relax, I can't easily live in dirt and I know I think less well of people who do when I can't see a valid reason beyond 'can't be arsed, someone else can do it'.

That said, things aren't always that straightforward. My late DH was hopeless with houses and their maintenance. He disliked dirt and was perfectly capable of keeping up with the duller but essential areas of domesticity. But while the interior was OK'ish and the real essentials very clean - if somewhat cluttered - the house itself was literally collapsing. He had a brain the size of a planet but zero aptitude at anything practical although he'd try and inevitably make things worse. Over the previous 5 years, one job undone had turned into 101 and the house had simply got out of control while he footled around trying to fix broken items with gaffer tape or judicious use of boarding up bits here and there. By the time I came along he was very apologetic about the state of the house but didn't know where to start. And of course, because of the state of it he'd decided he couldn't possibly have anyone in to sort it because they'd judge him. We had 20 very happy years together before he died and in those years I eventually retrieved the house from its wreckage but truly, I don't think I'd take those issues on again. Nowadays it'd be a red flag.

Crankley · 19/05/2021 13:52

I'm not at all uptight about cleanliness. I think like some, mine could be better but I am with you on this.

I met a lovely man and we were progressing well. First time for sex we went to his flat which was ok but it wasn't until he turned back the covers on his single bed I realised this was going to be a no. The smell emanating from the green/grey nylon sheets hit my nostrils and I doubt they had ever been washed, all desire killed stone dead. The end.

OldSpeclkledHen · 19/05/2021 13:58

Once you've got the "ick" ... shudders

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