Not attracted to someone because of dirty home

[BookiesBicycle]

I have been seeing someone new since Covid restrictions have been eased. Last night, I visited her home for the first time. I was a bit surprised to find stained carpets, sticky floors and countertops, and a bit of a whiffy bathroom.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means. My own home wouldn’t pass a dust test, but this was a bit much, it made me reluctant to come into contact with things. Maybe Covid has made me more aware than I had been.

This should should not be a big deal, people can have all sorts of unfortunate and unavoidable reasons why this may have happened to them. The solution I suppose would be simply to use my home if we want to be indoors... but what if she does the same thing to mine?

She is otherwise immaculately clean and well presented herself.

Am I being unreasonable to have my level of attraction to her affected by this? I’m trying not to think this way, but I can’t help it and I don’t want to visit again. I don’t know how to say this without causing offence or embarrassment.

Any thoughts?

It would be a no from me, I think wouldn’t be comfortable in the environment.

I’m a little disappointed, this had been going so well.

Maybe even call an upholstery cleaner, then have them coated and insured for future accidents. Surely cheaper than new floors. I’ve seen her spend similar amounts on other more entertainment type things.

If we were together, I would happily pay for this, but what if it were to all just end up as it was again, that might be prohibitively expensive and inconvenient.

You wouldn't like my house OP as I am hopeless at housework and always find other things more interesting, but I think you would be foolish to go ahead with this relationship as this will be an ongoing problem.

Some people really don’t see the mess that surrounds them I have no idea how they can live like that . I know I couldn’t live in a dirty or messy house

However is it dirty - messy as in it’s not been cleaned but if it was cleaned it would be ok
Or is it lots of random shit - that they are attached to and has value to them which create the mess and dirtiness
The first I could possibly deal with as you can change the flooring and curtains and furniture to stuff that is easy and quick to clean like laminate flooring leather furniture or sofas with removable washable covers

The second no fucking way as they will never get rid of the random shit and probably collect more

Not really loads of random stuff actually, but maybe that’s the tidying that was done before my arrival.

She is otherwise immaculately clean and well presented herself.

Reminds me of a long-ago housemate.. Beautifully dressed and made up; total domestic slut to the point where sharing the same bathroom and kitchen made your skin crawl.

@Bazookas Lots of teenagers and early 20s are like this.

@BookiesBicycle You sound really thoughtful and insightful. In my view and based solely on what you have written here, you come across as someone who would make a great partner to your DP. Based on this ,would you be willing to gently to talk to your DP about your feelings ,as you have here?

Having read updates etc it would be a shame for your DP ( and you ) to miss out on this possibly long term loving relationship, based on this issue as it stands, given you are happy in all other respects. If you both talk honestly, would that give you both a greater incite into the others mindset before making any final decisions? I guess what i am saying is at least allow your DP the opportunity to show you / confirm who she really is and , your DP the same opportunity to see who you really are and how you both "tick". You may both , be able to reach an understanding or you both may decide that you are not so well suited after all.

I think understanding yr Dp, her home life and her value systems will help you. It will also help your DP , if you are honest with her. She herself may feel that your value systems do not match or can be in sync with hers and her child's needs, iyswim. If you both then seperate or reduce the nature of the relationship at least you are both clear on why.

If there were no children involved I would advise, as i and others have, as earlier. But, your DP has a child and an ex partner and this could all be a relatively new set up for her and she could just be adjusting and finding her feet with the new status quo. Personally, i think she is at least owed the conversation. If her circumstance is too much for you or her lifestyle choices too different to yours, of course you should walk away, but responsibly and kindly.

And here I am wondering how I managed to have children 😆

How could you live with that? You couldn't. It's not hard to clean a worktop. Or keep a house in reasonable condition when it has been recently refurbished. After several years might be a different story. It's quite major that you feel you don't want to go there. I wouldn't either.
Don't underestimate how much it would bother you if you were to live together. Imagine constant niggling nagging unease or strain between you instead of a sense of harmony and comfort and the feel of a home that is cared for. You need a degree of order and reasonable cleanliness for that.

YANBU, especially if you're looking for a long term relationship. It's not shallow and small. It's something that you might have to put up with for years to come , argue about,resent her for . It's not a little difference of opinion either, your standards are massively different.

I wouldn't date a man whose house I considered dirty and it bothered me so much , because I'd dread ending up living like that and having to pick up his slack.

I also wouldn't date a man whose house is too clean and perfect, because I know I'd never keep up with it.

[quote girl71]@BookiesBicycle You sound really thoughtful and insightful. In my view and based solely on what you have written here, you come across as someone who would make a great partner to your DP. Based on this ,would you be willing to gently to talk to your DP about your feelings ,as you have here?

Having read updates etc it would be a shame for your DP ( and you ) to miss out on this possibly long term loving relationship, based on this issue as it stands, given you are happy in all other respects. If you both talk honestly, would that give you both a greater incite into the others mindset before making any final decisions? I guess what i am saying is at least allow your DP the opportunity to show you / confirm who she really is and , your DP the same opportunity to see who you really are and how you both "tick". You may both , be able to reach an understanding or you both may decide that you are not so well suited after all.

I think understanding yr Dp, her home life and her value systems will help you. It will also help your DP , if you are honest with her. She herself may feel that your value systems do not match or can be in sync with hers and her child's needs, iyswim. If you both then seperate or reduce the nature of the relationship at least you are both clear on why.

If there were no children involved I would advise, as i and others have, as earlier. But, your DP has a child and an ex partner and this could all be a relatively new set up for her and she could just be adjusting and finding her feet with the new status quo. Personally, i think she is at least owed the conversation. If her circumstance is too much for you or her lifestyle choices too different to yours, of course you should walk away, but responsibly and kindly. [/quote]
Very thoughtful response, thank you.

I certainly would not walk away and ghost, we may remain friends and I would avoid the topic completely.
Seems a very sensitive area to go into if we’re not sure this going to be a committed full blown relationship.

Total deal breaker for me. How could you live together happily if your cleaning views are poles apart?

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

YANBU, especially if you're looking for a long term relationship. It's not shallow and small. It's something that you might have to put up with for years to come , argue about,resent her for . It's not a little difference of opinion either, your standards are massively different.

I wouldn't date a man whose house I considered dirty and it bothered me so much , because I'd dread ending up living like that and having to pick up his slack.

I also wouldn't date a man whose house is too clean and perfect, because I know I'd never keep up with it.

Agreed! Too perfect would have me too fearful to relax. Just a simple happy medium please!

@Abitofalark

How could you live with that? You couldn't. It's not hard to clean a worktop. Or keep a house in reasonable condition when it has been recently refurbished. After several years might be a different story. It's quite major that you feel you don't want to go there. I wouldn't either. Don't underestimate how much it would bother you if you were to live together. Imagine constant niggling nagging unease or strain between you instead of a sense of harmony and comfort and the feel of a home that is cared for. You need a degree of order and reasonable cleanliness for that.

I can visualise what you’re talking about perfectly, and it’s already making me feel nervousness and dread.

I couldn't be in a serious relationship with someone like that. Fine in the beginning but over time it will drive you nuts and you'll be solely responsible for all cleaning and tidying which is soul destroying. A cleaner doesn't solve the issue of ongoing mess and lack of hygiene.

Maybe go there one more time and see if it was a one off. Then decide.

This wasn’t a one off kind of mess. Some things need to be thrown out if a professional can’t save them, for health a safety reasons.

I know the may sound awful, but some people are just not brought up to be aware of cleaning. My parents always had cleaners who came in the day when we were at school. I remember a teacher at school laughing at me in primary school, as I swept a floor using one hand on the brush. I had never swept before.

I do have a cleaner now, but can Hoover, mop, clean a loo etc I was just taught a bit later than most. I have also had a look at Flylady and Mrs Hinch websites and cleaning schedules.

Have you cleaned in front of her?

@BookiesBicycle

This wasn’t a one off kind of mess. Some things need to be thrown out if a professional can’t save them, for health a safety reasons.

I'd give it another month to fully assess the situation and have some gentle chats.

If this isn't temporary/situational/circumstantial and just how her standards of cleaning/living are I'd end it, without making it about the cleaning of course.

You don't owe her a relationship, but if this a deal breaker (when everything else is ok), then that is sad.
There could be many reasons why she lives the way she does. My house is grim too, but it has not got in the way of any friendships or relationships. I don't think I could engage with someone who was scoping out my place with a mental clipboard. As my friend says, she is there to see me, not my house.

@XenoBitch

You don't owe her a relationship, but if this a deal breaker (when everything else is ok), then that is sad. There could be many reasons why she lives the way she does. My house is grim too, but it has not got in the way of any friendships or relationships. I don't think I could engage with someone who was scoping out my place with a mental clipboard. As my friend says, she is there to see me, not my house.

Yes but your friend doesn't and won't ever live with you or be in a position to clean after you.

I have friends whose houses are a lot dirtier (actual dirt,not mess) than mine and mine's a tip already. I love them,they're amazing people and I have a great time there. There's no way in hell I'd live with them though or stay over for a long time.

Which is always a possibility in a relationship, especially if OP is looking for someone to settle down with.

I’d clean and clean when I was dating if they were visiting my home

I wouldn't go out with someone with a filthy home ever. I just couldn't. I would imagine all the endless cleaning I'd have to do if we moved in together.
Slobs of any sex are a right turn off.

@AccidentlyOnPurpose
Yes but your friend doesn't and won't ever live with you or be in a position to clean after you.

Quite right. Or sleep in your bed with you.