Not attracted to someone because of dirty home

[BookiesBicycle]

I have been seeing someone new since Covid restrictions have been eased. Last night, I visited her home for the first time. I was a bit surprised to find stained carpets, sticky floors and countertops, and a bit of a whiffy bathroom.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means. My own home wouldn’t pass a dust test, but this was a bit much, it made me reluctant to come into contact with things. Maybe Covid has made me more aware than I had been.

This should should not be a big deal, people can have all sorts of unfortunate and unavoidable reasons why this may have happened to them. The solution I suppose would be simply to use my home if we want to be indoors... but what if she does the same thing to mine?

She is otherwise immaculately clean and well presented herself.

Am I being unreasonable to have my level of attraction to her affected by this? I’m trying not to think this way, but I can’t help it and I don’t want to visit again. I don’t know how to say this without causing offence or embarrassment.

Any thoughts?

I have a good friend who I dated for a few months a while back. His flat was an absolute pigsty, I spent a weekend helping him clear it out and it went back to being a pigsty within a week! That’s just who he is but it was one of things that made me end the relationship, I couldn’t relax in his because there was just so much stuff everywhere. I love him to bits and he’s such a lovely person but there’s no way it could have went anywhere as that’s what I would have been living with in years to come.

YANBU. If you're looking to a long term future where you potentially move in together then she's not the one for you. It will be a disaster.

If you are happy to keep things as they are and never move in together then it can work considering her own personal hygiene is good.

Yes definitely brought to mind the friends episode!

@BilboBercow

Ross is that you?

I thought this too

Seriously, though it would bother me because if a person can't do it for themselves, it will only cause problems later if you move in together, have kids etc and you find yourself cleaning up after them, it's a huge turn off.

I’m on the fence.

On the one hand she could have grown up in a house that wasn’t cleaned and actually not know the right products to tackle the level of dirt/limescale that is now present. Life could have been overwhelming and busy and she might not have been able to find this info out - a lot of cleaning products are shit or alternatively you need to select the right one. If you tackle stained limescale with a multi surface cleaner, it won’t work. If you tackle it with bleach, it will look cleaner but bleach doesn’t remove limescale. If you get a harsh limescale remover, the fixtures may be damaged. Scrubbing at limescale isn’t necessary - the trick is the right product. Etc etc. Some knowledge is required. She may just not have it.

On the other hand, I would have expected a “sorry about the mess” or something.

How old is she?

When I was younger I lived in a very unpleasant house owned by my aunty (who had moved in with her new boyfriend so the house was empty). The carpet was stained and the kitchen lino was peeling off the floor. The kitchen ceiling had years of caked on grease and the worktops wouldn’t come clean any more. The enamel was peeling off the bathtub and the bathroom carpet smelled funny. The loo was stained brown. The wallpaper had dirty smears. You get the picture! But I had no money and she was letting me stay there for free. I couldn’t afford to do it up and it wasn’t my house anyway. Personally I was clean and well turned out but there wasn’t much I could do with the house. Sometimes when things get so old and dirty they just don’t come clean any more. If you like this person then perhaps inquire into their living situation before judging them, as they may not have a lot of control over the state of the house.

@CovoidOfAllHumanity
What you should worry about is that that was probably what it looked like after she'd cleaned up for you!

I really hope that wasn’t the case!

@Bluntness100
The only caveat would be is if she is mentally unwell ans unable to cope. Which clearly gives a different discussion.

I can only wonder about this, although I hadn’t had that impression at all so far.

@Brumboo
Please don't use a MH issues like OCD to be glib
I do apologise to anyone who has been offended by that comment. I am sure it is a very serious illness and I should not have said that so casually.

@ConfusedAdultFemale
*Stained carpets - does she have young children? I didn’t replace my stained carpets until I was able to afford to laminate instead. There would have been no point, the new carpets would have ended up a state. My kitchen and bathroom floors are always oddly sticky only after I’ve mopped for some reason, not figured out why but I’m assuming it’s because it’s lino as my laminate doesn’t get sticky after mopping.

Were the countertops just sticky or were they covered in crumbs and mess? Just sticky countertops without crumbs or dirt on them could also be because of the cleaner used. Wiffy bathroom, unsure. Mine doesn’t smell the greatest after it’s just been used, especially by kids who haven’t opened the window after they’ve pooped. But was it otherwise clean and just a bit smelly, or was it dirty?*

She has a young son with special needs.
As to the carpets, it’s a newly redecorated house, that’s why I was not expecting what I found.
Countertops and floors had food and liquid residue.
Bathroom scent was I assume because of the condition of the bowl itself rather than recent use or lack of ventilation. The rest of the bathroom also appeared as though it had not been touched in months. Hard to guess.

@Shoxfordian

It would be an issue for me because if you ever live together then guess who’s doing all the cleaning?

This. Get out now!

@aiwblam

I’m on the fence.

On the one hand she could have grown up in a house that wasn’t cleaned and actually not know the right products to tackle the level of dirt/limescale that is now present. Life could have been overwhelming and busy and she might not have been able to find this info out - a lot of cleaning products are shit or alternatively you need to select the right one. If you tackle stained limescale with a multi surface cleaner, it won’t work. If you tackle it with bleach, it will look cleaner but bleach doesn’t remove limescale. If you get a harsh limescale remover, the fixtures may be damaged. Scrubbing at limescale isn’t necessary - the trick is the right product. Etc etc. Some knowledge is required. She may just not have it.

On the other hand, I would have expected a “sorry about the mess” or something.

How old is she?

I went into adulthood not knowing how to tidy up. That might sound silly but I'd just be told "tidy up" and be left in my room (with randomly hoarded stuff from long moved on other family members) with poor storage and shove a bit of stuff around under the bed or into a badly laid out cupboard until I got distracted by finding something far more interesting. I didn't learn strategies for tidying effeciently. Grouping things together and working out appropriate storage. Using timers. Letting go of things.

It is a skill that has to be learned. Some skills like running or swimming people pick up more naturally, some have to conciously learn and tidying and cleaning are no different.

I'm definitely not compatible with a very minimalist, pristine type, and generally run at "lived in". I need external stimulation of vistors to do a deep clean and haven't had that for the past year. Equally, I know that I don't want to live with the consequences of gradually accumulating an unmanagable hoard and want to prevent that. My attention span doesn't maintain neat, and I'm more of a blitz type.

Attitude matters. If a person doesn't care and has zero interest, life will be a misery. If it is more of a practicalities issue but they're willing to learn and make an effort for themselves then it's not necessarily a deal breaker.

No matter how much u like this person for u to feel concerned about the house straight away it’s a no brainier it won’t work .
I could not date someone if I felt uncomfortable it their house x

It would certainly be a dealbraker for me. I once met someone on line, went out a few times and got on so well. Then I went to his house and really couldnt believe the state of it and the smell was unreal. The hoover stood in the middle of the floor covered in dust and muck, the washing machine glass door was black with dirt and the whole place was just vile. None of the taps worked in the bathroom so I couldn't wash my hands and the toilet was so stained. I made my excuses and left. No way could I spend time with someone who was that filthy.

Deal breaker for me, sorry. I'm no neat freak myself but that would be unacceptable, especially with a guest coming round

That’s a very good point about what Covid and the lack of visitors may have done to people.

What about those with the means to pay for extra help, this lady has a very well paying career. A cleaner even once a month might be cheaper in the long run than having to replace things because they haven’t been maintained.

I’m daunted by the prospect of becoming the sole organiser of these things if the relationship progresses. I think I would be unhappy.

It would also be a deal breaker for me. As a PP quite rightly pointed out people rarely change so a dirty house now suggests that this is how she lives/what her standards are so don't go into it hoping/thinking she will change.

The stained carpets would not be a deal-breaker for me. If you have kids, you have to be very vigilant never to get a stain in a carpet. Cleanliness is different.
Also whiffy bathroom it depends why. I seemed to spend a few years flushing unflushed toilets and yelling out - flush the toilet after you have been.
But if you are not okay with the inevitable issues caused by young kids, you are not a good match.

It would be a hell no from me.

My house is always clean and tidy and I find it grim when other people have dirty homes!

This would put me off.
I'm untidy naturally.
I dated a boy when teenagers he was tatty when I visited his home, 1 bathroom
I remember thinking where do they wash the dust in the bath on toys and around taps was thick no water hit it.
They washed in the kitchen with the nearest rag.
We broke up.

I'm untidy naturally.
Not dirty.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

I suspect this is how lots of people end up married for 20 years and utterly despising how dirty and messy and lazy the other person is.

Absolutely this. If you think the relationship has potential, start a conversion about it, but don’t expect her to change, because she probably can’t or won’t.

Deal breaker for me too. I had a boyfriend yrs ago , clean and well presented always. When i first went to his ,it was exactly as you described. He was single and in his late 30's. Also, piles of newspapers everywhere, ironing board out, what looked like yrs worth of shaving scum in the sink. His flat ( in a very expensive development) was poorly maintained as well and everything was years old, broken, worn bare, damaged . He had a very good job and a high salary so could have afforded to upgrade and maintain. I ended it. IME living like this can spill over into other areas of yr life. I could sort of see then why he had not been in any long term relationships and not the catch i originally thought he was. I was honestly offended that he did not make any effort to tidy up for me and would expect me to clean my teeth in that sink! There were loose tiles in the shower that fell down on me as i was using it - really hazardous! The one thing i really hated were that all his light switches were black, yrs and yrs of dirt and smudge. Made me feel sick. I could not wait to get out. He had money , lots of money, just not motivated in that sense to clean or get a cleaner and/or maintain and modernise his property. He would just sit and read for hrs and hrs with all this chaos around him. My home was ( and still is ) immaculate so he must have known i would have found this off putting. I think people can live as they like. Equally people can also decide if they want to be in a relationship with that person. Had i continued in that relationship i am sure i would have carried all the mental load. Not for me.

You feel how you feel, OP. Honour this.
It's totally ok if this is a deal breaker for you.
For me it would be too. I grew up with a very sloppy, messy mother with hoarding tendencies and it ground me down psychologically. I find mess intensely stressful. That's who I am and I'm allowed to want a sense of balance and order in my life that equally, others might not like or want to be around. In other words, you do you and don't for a moment feel guilty about it. Ultimately, this would really drive the relationship towards failure anyway, so you may as well just do the right thing now.

IME living like this can spill over into other areas of yr life

Absolutely. It's usually, imo, the sign of chaos in many areas of life. My mom has always had people looking after her, cleaning up her mess, putting order back into her life only for her to unravel months of others' hard work in days. It's instability of a sort and you have to be an extremely easygoing, unruffled, walled-off person to be able to live with this.

This is what the courtship process is for, weeding out people who do not suit you, for whatever reason. No one is owed a date.

Who put in the new carpets, her or a LL?

My dp admitted me he was shocked when he came to mine for the first time.

He said that he expected an immaculate, spotless, well decorated house as I was a cleaner.

But my reality was I had 4 dc, a full time job, I'd just come out of 13 year domestic abuse relationship, I had poor mental health and massive rent arrears and debt.

As a result my house was shabby, stained carpets, the doors and walls had holes in where he had punched them.
And working full time meant that I really struggled with the house.

Luckily he didn't turn his back and with his help slowly turned things around and my house is much better. And he helps me a lot.

Many reasons why someone's house is not perfect..