Not attracted to someone because of dirty home

[BookiesBicycle]

I have been seeing someone new since Covid restrictions have been eased. Last night, I visited her home for the first time. I was a bit surprised to find stained carpets, sticky floors and countertops, and a bit of a whiffy bathroom.

I am not a cleanliness freak, neither am I OCD about this by any means. My own home wouldn’t pass a dust test, but this was a bit much, it made me reluctant to come into contact with things. Maybe Covid has made me more aware than I had been.

This should should not be a big deal, people can have all sorts of unfortunate and unavoidable reasons why this may have happened to them. The solution I suppose would be simply to use my home if we want to be indoors... but what if she does the same thing to mine?

She is otherwise immaculately clean and well presented herself.

Am I being unreasonable to have my level of attraction to her affected by this? I’m trying not to think this way, but I can’t help it and I don’t want to visit again. I don’t know how to say this without causing offence or embarrassment.

Any thoughts?

@IEat

I’d clean and clean when I was dating if they were visiting my home

I once spent two full days cleaning and freshening everything up because a girlfriend was coming home from overseas. She would do the same for me. And neither of us would have dreamed of asking. It was one of the things that truly worked in that relationship. If anything, her standards were higher than mine but I worked really hard to please her.

I know what it’s like to be at both ends of this difference.

Deal breaker for me

It would be a deal breaker for me too! My home is by no means a show home but it's clean and hygienic! I mean even if she didn't enjoy cleaning surely she would attempt to clean up before a new love interest came over? When j met dp he would scrub his house before I come over to stay - I doubt it was overly dirty to start with but I think he knew j like cleanliness!

I once went out with a guy. He was pretty clean as was his family in the terms of their personal hygiene. He lived with his mum so not down to him (but they were all lazy with housework). Their house was a complete tip. I'm still horrified to this day tbh. It was pure filth! The kitchen had so much grime. There was dried on pet food all over the floor, the front room was filthy too and they had years worth of clutter everywhere. Upstairs was worse.I couldn't bear to visit.

YANBU for it to matter to you. If you choose to end the relationship it is up to you whether your reasons are given or some other vague explanation.

A friend, who goes to lots and lots of homes as part of his job, once told me that sometimes best well-turned people have messiest of homes. Teachers are the worst

Total deal breaker.

Im not surprised about teachers... lots of cerebral/intellectual types kind of missed the cleaning gene!

But not great for a date... I do tidy up when people come over!

@JFCO

A friend, who goes to lots and lots of homes as part of his job, once told me that sometimes best well-turned people have messiest of homes. Teachers are the worst

My mum has a cleaning business.. the worst are doctors!

It would certainly make me consider a future with this person. Like you say houses can become like that for a variety of reasons but I don’t think there’s any need for it to be that bad.

You are absolutely astute and sensible to have clocked this. My exhusband's house was uncleaned and messy when I met him and he turned out to be very lazy and uninterested in cleaning and maintenance of our home together. Also big clue in his parent's house, so filthy you couldn't have a cup of tea when we visited. It becomes a major source of strife when you live together.

@Dacquoise, it wasn't hard to miss.

It's amazing how much you can turn a blind eye to when you're interested in someone. I noticed the mess but didn't predict the laziness that came with it. Just didn't compute until I was fully in and difficult to get out. Current partner is motivated to clean and likes a tidy house. Who knew!

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I wouldn't go out with someone with a filthy home ever. I just couldn't. I would imagine all the endless cleaning I'd have to do if we moved in together. Slobs of any sex are a right turn off.

I admit, I am gross. My home is vile. But it never was an issue in relationships because they saw past that. My grossness is down to poor mental health and self esteem. Someone coming into my life helped it loads.

@Dacquoise

It's amazing how much you can turn a blind eye to when you're interested in someone. I noticed the mess but didn't predict the laziness that came with it. Just didn't compute until I was fully in and difficult to get out. Current partner is motivated to clean and likes a tidy house. Who knew!

You lucky thing! Some people have all the luck.

@XenoBitch, it’s not your fault, and you sound lovely. I’m really sorry that happened to you. If I was your friend, I wouldn’t visit just to see you, I’d help you around the house too if you were comfortable with it. I really sympathise. I hope someone wonderful comes along soon and perks you up massively. [Flowers]

I couldn't date someone with a dirty home.