Sick note after MC

[wtfjusthappend]

NC as don't want post to be linked back to me.

Posting as this has been playing on my mind and not sure if I'm the one BU.

I had an MC at 11+2 6 weeks ago. I self-certified for the first week then called my GP who signed me off work for 2 weeks.

After the 2 weeks I wasn't ready to return to work so requested another. I was given another 2 weeks without having to speak to the GP (their policy, not at my request) and same again 2 weeks later.

I still didn't feel ready (my head is all over the place) so last week requested a repeat of the previous extensions. This time a different GP gave me a 1 week extension and left a message with the receptionist to tell me if I need more time off I need to speak to a GP.

I made the appointment this morning and received a telephone call from original GP who signed me off.

He basically told me that 'lots of women have miscarriages and they don't ask for sick note after sick note' and I should be 'getting out of the house and talking to people'. He also said it's very likely that I will go on to have a normal pregnancy next time, to which I managed to reply that that wasn't really the point. I was quite upset at this point and struggling to explain myself to him.

He then said he wanted me to feel supported, to which I responded that if that were the case, perhaps when issuing my sick note the GP should have called me to discuss why I was asking for an extension.

I eventually managed to tell him that I have counselling in place through work, and also a telephone appointment with Occupational Health, to which he responded 'as you have a plan in place I will issue your sick note' and that was that.

I was left feeling as though I should 'be over it' by now.

I spoke to DH who simply responded with 'who is he to decide whether or not you should be ok by now?' - mirroring my feelings exactly.

I mean I understand he's a GP who has a lot more experience of this than I do. But surely he should be aware that all women handle this differently? This was my first MC and I have found the whole thing very traumatic.

AIBU?

I'm pretty strong-minded so I know I will move on from this in time. But someone else in this situation may not find it so easy.

Should I say something? Or just let it go?

Sorry for your loss.
I kind of agree that 6 weeks is quite long to take off. You won't ever get over it and the gp probably may have sounded a bit harsh but i don't think most people need that amount of time off. Have you done any counselling or anything like that which could maybe help.
I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks and was off for a week. My work said i could have longer off but i hated sitting around thinking about it. I know not everyone is the same but it may not be as bad you think returning to work.

Hi OP. I think your GP was grossly insensitive. Everyone responds differently and it really also depends what happened with the miscarriage and other factors. I had multiple miscarriages and went back to work too soon after each. The longest I took off was 4-5 weeks but I had had post surgery complications, and other issues. There was no support for me to access counselling.

But even so I went back too soon. Physically I was OK but mentally I was a wreck and not really prepared to (a) have to look through all my colleagues baby photos on my first day back (b) be phoned by another colleague to tell me she was now a grandma and all the birth details (first week) and (c) get a call from the hospital to tell me more about the reasons why I miscarried at work where I had no privacy. I should've stayed home much much longer.

And for those saying 6 weeks is a lot. Really really depends on the individual circumstances does it not? What if that miscarriage was the last chance for that person to have a baby?

Sorry for your loss OP.

@LividJabber I don’t think anyone’s saying she shouldn’t grieve, more that staying off work doesn’t necessarily help the grieving process. It’s utter hell and you never get over it but have to find a way to cope with it.

I’ve had three miscarriages and no living children. The first time I took two weeks, second time about a week and the third time just the days for scans and the D&C. Going back to work and having something else to think about helps me cope more than I expected.

I can’t believe you people saying it’s excessive.

None of you have the right to police how someone feels after a miscarriage.

None of you.

No matter what your own personal experience might be.

I also work in HR. Ive seen several sick notes longer than 6 weeks following g a first trimester miscarriage. I know of 2 people who developed PTSD and were off for months. Because it’s a fucking awful thing to experience.

I’ve had several miscarriages. I have a supportive HR team, and I can tell you I did not take enough time off work for any of them. Days for the first. A week for the second. 2 weeks for the third. 3 years on from my first miscarriage I am still dealing with mental health issues that just were not there before - a result of ‘powering through’.

If you don’t feel well enough to work, you don’t feel well enough to work.

I agree that your GP was clumsy, however there is not enough aftercare available after miscarriage. We are left to pick up the pieces by ourselves, however we need to do it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Do whatever you need to process it. Thinking of you x

I'm Sorry for your loss. You're totally right to take the time you need. I returned after a week then quit because I just couldn't carry on. But I felt I couldn't take time off. Because of family, gp and colleagues basically saying I should just move on. But I couldn't that quickly.

@Littlegoth it’s not policing how people feel. There’s a difference between grieving and having a mental health condition that makes you unable to work. The people you mentioned had ptsd. The OP doesn’t have ptsd - or if she does, the GP needs to diagnose and treat that and then give her a sick note for that, rather than the miscarriage. 6 weeks or 8 weeks for a miscarriage is a long time. If the OP is still not capable of working after that time then more sick notes aren’t enough - she needs some kind of help to get her to a point where she can work, not just indefinite sick notes. I don’t think anyone on this thread has been unsympathetic to the OP.

I fully agree with what @Littlegoth said. Your doctor was very insensitive, there is no timeline for grief and you take as much time as you need xxx

There is no timeline for grief, but unfortunately there is a timeline for returning to work, unless you are on a particularly friendly contract. OP needs to find a way to grieve while also beginning to resume normal activities, including work, or there will be more cause for upset and potential depression as her career suffers. That's what pps have felt the dr had in mind, albeit clumsily expressed. It may not be what she wants to hear, but it's been kindly said by most on the thread.

I agree that doctors can’t keep handing out sick notes; as I said, it sounds like they didn’t handle it particularly well.

I have unfortunately experienced recurrent miscarriage including late in the second trimester but my experience is completely separate to the OPs.

And it’s one thing people saying ‘This helped me....’ and quite another using their experience as a stick to beat the OP with as she hasn’t bounced back to work as quickly as them.

Sorry about your miscarriage, OP.
I agree a bit that the GP sounded a little clumsy but agree that 8 weeks is likely a lot longer than what they are used to (as he said). Part of issuing a fit note is looking at when you could resume any work. I have to say that I agree going back (even a phased return) probably would absolutely help you as you will be distracted. Having suffered with depression and PND myself, it feels safer to stay in and not talk to people, but getting back out there was super helpful.

GPs are under immense pressure at the moment. My own husband is very close to burn out. I don't think your GP has done anything wrong or was unsupportive, just perhaps that he could have worded things a little better.

But GPs do keep handing out sick notes for lots of things - they don't seem to police or have due diligence about some issues. I had a colleague who was off for 4 months for bereavement (her mum died not unexpectedly), another colleague was off with stress (6 months), another was off for 6 months (long covid).

I can't help but think that miscarriage is being dismissed as a woman's issue that we should just bounce back from because it's not like it affects us is it? I could say more but frankly the number of people who just expect women to get on with it after what is often a traumatic loss is astounding.

Getting off this thread now because it is making me cross

@Barbie222 that’s exactly the kind of attitude that’s the problem ‘as her career suffers’. Most unhelpful.

I stand by what I said, and I would direct you to the following link:

www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/information/miscarriage-and-the-workplace/employees-information-and-support/

And highlight the Rights At Work section, especially the final paragraph of the time off work sub section.

@NotSoLongGoodbye I don’t think anyone is dismissing it on this thread or trying to minimise the experience. Most of the posts have been from people who have lived through it and know how awful it is.

Personally going back to work and a routine helped me feel in control when life felt out of my control. I wouldn’t have expected it to help but it did.

@CP26 - so why are so many people on this thread saying 6 weeks is too long and the OP needs to get back to work.

I'm sorry to read about your loss, I have been there too and it's truly heartbreaking.

I have to say though, I can see your GP's point. Staying off work and having sick note after sick note is not going to help with your grief. I would suggest speaking to the to the GP again and seeing what kind od support is available. I found connecting with others in online forums in similar situations also helped me.

Ultimately, I found it helpful to distract my mind and keep busy, but I appreciate that everyone is different!

I hope that in time you feel stronger. I certainly found that time helped me.

I don’t think it’s minimising to say 6 weeks is too long.

Grief doesn’t have a specific end point. No one is saying that the OP must stop feeling upset when she goes back to work. But having something else to distract her will help now.

I'm really sorry for your loss but having had 3 first trimester miscarriages in a row, I think 6 weeks off work is considered rather unusual. With my first mc I worked from home (in a quite low key/low responsibility way), partly for practical reasons (heavy bleeding that would have been difficult to manage at work. The second I lost a lot of blood & required a d&c under GA, I took a week off during that followed by a week wfh. The third I again wfh a week.

I think it often helps to get back to normal routines, including work. While I understand you are grieving, I think maybe you could use some counselling etc to help you manage this and build some resilience to help you cope.

Sorry for your loss. I had a first trimester mc in Dec 2020 and multiple chemicals (a monthly occurrence now) so I know how it feels. I just wanted to share this as I only just discovered this podcast and FB group and I am finding it really helpful. www.theworstgirlgangever.co.uk/

I think OP also you might need to try to think of it a different way.

So: what is making you feel you can't return to work? Grief/worried you might cry, not be able to face people?

Then: Try to think through what might help you overcome that. What do you think might change in an additional 2 weeks off work that hasn't yet? How long do you think you might need to feel better?

Realistically, the grief will never quite leave you, but perhaps you can plan some strategies to help you manage while it's very raw - asking for some extra breaks to give you time for some self care during working hours, more time working from home, can you ask to work in a meeting room so you can have a bit of breathing space from colleagues/aren't worrying about feeling teary etc?

@1forAll74

I had a sudden miscarriage at 15 weeks, down our garden path,in the 1970's era, it was quite horrible to experience.,I was on my own, Husband was at work,and we didn't have a telephone at that point. both my neighbours were out. My husband drove me to the doctors the next day, to a small village next to our village. The GP was an older doctor, quite ancient. He then proceeded to write out a prescription for some iron tablets, saying, well miscarriages are very common with a first pregnancy.!

I just felt very drained for about a week after wards, but then quite back to normal again. I just accepted that miscarriages happen, We did not have scans back then.

What a pointless post.

@wtfjusthappend sorry for your loss. Been there three times. My first one I was 14 weeks. Had a bump, big plans, felt this wonderful connection with my future child.
Grieving this takes time and as other posters say returning to work isn't a sign it's all better and you've moved on. It can be a step in putting routine and structure and distractions back in your life.

I totally re-evaluated my entire life after my first one. It hadn't even occurred to me the pregnancy wouldn't work out as I'd been so focused on getting pregnant which took three years.
After the MC, I reduced my work hours, took a step down in responsibility and spent time exercising and reading and being mindful. I reduced the size of my world to just family and really good friends as I didn't have head space for anything else. I was better able to cope with the next two.

Sounds like your DP is good support. Try and plan going back. Think about who you can rely on in work to have a coffee with, to talk to and break your first days in to focusing on the next hour / until lunch / until time to go home.

Take care

Yes. I think YABU. You can't just stay off work forever and use it as an excuse to not go back - and yes I have had a miscarriage and I know it can be traumatising before I get piled on - but 6 weeks is kind of ridiculous and I think he was kind the way he put it. It's not as if you have been ttc for years and this was your last chance. Most people aren't even able to have that much time off if they lose someone normally (cannot think how to word it differently and I know a baby is real especially if you are trying and really want one but hopefully you know what I mean!). You have had your time. Life goes on.

@Gooseberrypies wow, what a sympathetic view of a situation which has clearly impacted the OP massively!
There are ways and means of saying things in a nicer way to someone who is clearly hurting and needs mental health support

OP your feelings are valid