Sick note after MC

[wtfjusthappend]

NC as don't want post to be linked back to me.

Posting as this has been playing on my mind and not sure if I'm the one BU.

I had an MC at 11+2 6 weeks ago. I self-certified for the first week then called my GP who signed me off work for 2 weeks.

After the 2 weeks I wasn't ready to return to work so requested another. I was given another 2 weeks without having to speak to the GP (their policy, not at my request) and same again 2 weeks later.

I still didn't feel ready (my head is all over the place) so last week requested a repeat of the previous extensions. This time a different GP gave me a 1 week extension and left a message with the receptionist to tell me if I need more time off I need to speak to a GP.

I made the appointment this morning and received a telephone call from original GP who signed me off.

He basically told me that 'lots of women have miscarriages and they don't ask for sick note after sick note' and I should be 'getting out of the house and talking to people'. He also said it's very likely that I will go on to have a normal pregnancy next time, to which I managed to reply that that wasn't really the point. I was quite upset at this point and struggling to explain myself to him.

He then said he wanted me to feel supported, to which I responded that if that were the case, perhaps when issuing my sick note the GP should have called me to discuss why I was asking for an extension.

I eventually managed to tell him that I have counselling in place through work, and also a telephone appointment with Occupational Health, to which he responded 'as you have a plan in place I will issue your sick note' and that was that.

I was left feeling as though I should 'be over it' by now.

I spoke to DH who simply responded with 'who is he to decide whether or not you should be ok by now?' - mirroring my feelings exactly.

I mean I understand he's a GP who has a lot more experience of this than I do. But surely he should be aware that all women handle this differently? This was my first MC and I have found the whole thing very traumatic.

AIBU?

I'm pretty strong-minded so I know I will move on from this in time. But someone else in this situation may not find it so easy.

Should I say something? Or just let it go?

I think your GP was trying to help, it might be time to start thinking about returning. My friend took 5 months off for an ectopic at 5wks and she wasn’t pressured to return so very much depends on the GP. But might help trying to get back to some normality. Sorry for your loss

I've known two people who have taken 2-3 months off sick for a miscarriage (they both came back during that time but didn't cope and so needed more time off) so 6 weeks doesn't sound excessive to me.

I suspect the GP was trying to get a feel for whether there was a wider mental health issue in your case, such as depression but handled it clumsily.

I hope the counselling session helps

There is no set timescale for how someone recovers emotionally (and physically) from a loss.

To suggest she she be back just because you were is unkind.

6 weeks off work for a first trimester loss is excessive. It’s excessive for most grief inducing life events tbh. You can’t put a timeline on grief, but you also don’t get to opt out of life/work. You have to find a way to accept your grief - not ignore it - but accept it and get back into normal life. It’s ok to go to work whilst being sad!

You have clearly been very affected and you obviously need some proper support! Not just ‘time off work’.

I would take action to find some therapy/counselling ASAP and you know, getting back to work could be a helpful distraction.

I think 6 weeks is a lot too,

You know, I think you have to trust that you will know when you’re ready to go back. Everyone is affected differently. With my first pregnancy (a multiple) my colleagues questioned why I’d had so much time off (five weeks) and I asked them what they think happened during a miscarriage - and then I told them what had happened with mine and they understood better. With subsequent ones I had three weeks off - one week self-cert and my GP won’t do a sick note for less than two weeks!! My subsequent ones weren’t as physically brutal as the first one. You be kind to yourself x

So sorry for your loss OP. It must have been such a shock so close to the 12 week goal post too.

I had a MC last year at 8 weeks and it was one of the hardest things I have dealt with. I worked from home the next day which was too soon. When I returned to the office on Monday, my head wasn't there but it helped to be in a routine and work environment.

I listened to podcasts about miscarriage at my desk which helped me to process everything and then was able to put my energy into trying again.

I think your GP needs to work on his bedside manner! But I guess they have to draw the line somewhere or they could get in trouble themselves.

I'm very sorry for your loss too but agree that 6 weeks sick leave for a first trimester pregnancy is very unusual and your GP is right

I’ve had 4 mcs, 2 of which needed d&c. I didn’t want work to know about them so only took 1 or 2 days for each one. It was awful but I think in hindsight the distraction of work was really helpful. Of course I was still grieving but I wasn’t focusing on it all day. I think your GP was right to question you, though it sounds like they could have been more sensitive. I’m sorry for your loss; things will get easier with time.

I hope the counselling is helpful OP. I went through something similar after my first MC around 10 years ago. I took two weeks off at the time of the mc then went back to work but just wasn’t coping at all (crying at my desk, not really managing my work load - basically had a breakdown) so after a week or so was signed off again for two weeks. I went back to my gp again when the two weeks were over, as still didn’t feel able to work (by that time it had been 5 weeks since the MC) and she gently suggested that the MC might have triggered off a form of depression, which I’d had some years before. I realised she was probably right, so agreed to trial an antidepressant, saw a counsellor and used a cognitive behavioural therapy book too to help me get a bit more of a handle on my thoughts.

I went back to work 2 weeks later and while it was emotionally difficult and awkward at first, I was able to stick with it and move forward with my life. I was able to come off the antidepressants about six months later (when I felt ready to try again) and had dc1 10 months after that. I’ve haven’t needed antidepressants since. They may not be required in your situation; I think the cbt book helped as much as anything (I can’t remember its name but it was a sort of workbook thing).

I had another MC a few years later and an ectopic that ruptured. Neither affected me emotionally like that first MC (in fact I didn’t need any leave for the second mc and only took leave after the ectopic as I was recovering from surgery). I still don’t know why the first MC affected me so badly - it really was hell, but things did get better once I got help.

I’m sorry you’ve been through this. I’ve had 3 miscarriages myself. Everyone experiences grief differently but I agree with your GP, 6 weeks is more than enough time off of work. Getting back out to work will probably do you the world of good. The longer you’re off the harder it going to be to go back.

@MinimumChips that's so interesting how differently you were affected by your following losses. I felt like a second MC would finish me but thankfully despite a scare and emergency scan, my next pregnancy resulted in my 6 month old who has me nap trapped right now!

Sorry for loss.
As everyone else 6 week is a lot, GP was doing his job checking instead of keep giving sick note after sick note.
I was off for 2 weeks after my first trimester MC, going back done me the world of good.
No one expects you to be over it but getting out the house and trying to have some normality does do wonders.

Everyone is different, OP, but it does seem rather long. I was back after 2 weeks in similar circumstances and found it really helped to be back.

An early loss is not as physically problematic - I gave birth to DS1 14 months later.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.

I lost my second pregnancy at 12 weeks, 4 years ago. I still think about it often and cry about it sometimes. It was very traumatic for me and I was in and out of hospital with retained products, D&C, infections. I had about a month off. The first 2 days back at work I thought, I can’t do this, I’m not ready, it’s too early. Then after the 3rd day I felt a little better, and each day after that it got a little better.

You can’t put a timeline on grief. As I said, I still get upset about it. My dad died 2 months ago, I took time off work for that too but on these occasions, going back to work after the periods of time helped me and gave me a reason to focus on other things. It doesn’t stop me thinking about what and who I’ve lost.

I don’t feel like I will ever “get over” my miscarriage. But I got through it, and going back to some sense of normality was key to that.

Depending on your working pattern and line of work, can you talk to your manager about a phased return, if you think that would help you?

This thread is making me angry. Fuck everyone telling you “that’s quite a long time after only a first trimester miscarriage”.

How DARE anyone tell you how long is appropriate to grieve for, or suggest that a first tri loss can’t be utterly horrendous?

I had a ruptured ectopic after IVF. I was “only” about 8 weeks when it ruptured but I nearly died.

Thing is, I was glad. Glad I had to have emergency surgery and was on intensive care and needed three months (yep, fuck you, “that’s a long time” people) off work.

Because I needed that time to grieve the absolute loss of everything I’d hoped and dreamed of. Without the surgery, I’d have had to face all these head tilters too and they can get to fuck.

(I had two more losses, got told I’d had too much time off and should stop trying to get pregnant for the good of my clients... Can you tell I’m touchy? But when my baby finally arrived it really, really was worth all the pain. All of it. Wishing you all the best, OP)

I say it with the deepest of sympathies OP but I don’t think your GP was wrong. They have a responsibility to sign off for an ‘appropriate’ amount of time relative to the ongoing illness and to limit ‘just handing them out’ when people ask.

It’s your GP’s responsibility to ring you and ‘check in’ they’re insanely busy so if you’re not coping or you need MH support the responsibility is on you to call them and ask them/update them. I’ve been there myself!

From your GP’s point of view you suffered a miscarriage which was understandably physically and emotionally difficult.
You were given 5 weeks off without question.
You didn’t raise any further concerns about physical complications or MH support from them.
You just continued to ask for sick notes.
It was entirely reasonable not to issue you sick notes endlessly and for your GP to require a bit more info at the 5/6 week stage.
YABU to be annoyed that the GP dared to question you a bit...but I understand why you feel the way you do

It’s * not your GP’s responsibility to ring you and ‘check in’ they’re insanely busy so if you’re not coping or you need MH support the responsibility is on you to call them and ask them/update them. I’ve been there myself!

How DARE anyone tell you how long is appropriate to grieve for, or suggest that a first tri loss can’t be utterly horrendous?

@LividJabber absolutely no one on this thread (from what I've seen) have told the op she can't grieve, or that it just being a first trimester loss makes it something lesser. My own second loss was horrific, with severe blood loss and left me pretty traumatised, my story nor yours is unique. First trimester losses can be dangerous as well as emotionally devastating. That doesn't mean the OPs GP or anyone here is wrong for suggesting that staying off work may no longer be necessary, especially with other measures being put in place such as counselling.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP

I think your doctor was reasonable but equally, I don’t think that makes you unreasonable.

Any miscarriage is awful and even though it was ‘just’ a first trimester one, you were very far into your first trimester and so it must’ve been a terrible shock and experience for you

It sounds like he was concerned that it could just be note after note but as he was prepared to do it knowing you had a plan in place for longer term, i think that was the right course of action personally.

Hope you get the support you need take care of yourself

These threads always seem like a ‘race to the bottom’ which is a shame. It doesn’t matter if someone else lost a baby and was back at work within the day, marching bravely on. It is irrelevant.

OP, it is a shame your GP was tactless - they should be monitoring your leave from work as part of the bigger picture of your mental well-being but it’s sounds like they handled it badly.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

I too had a mc at 16 weeks, ten years ago now, it affected me greatly, it changed the person I am today, and there is still rarely a few days go by when I don't think about it.
But I took less than a week off work. I had very supportive colleagues who let me take it slowly, it felt good to be with other people, I'm not sure what I could have done at home that would have helped me come to terms with it. I am sorry for your loss.

@AnnieKN there has to be some level of realism unfortunately. GPs can't just hand out sick note after sick note, much like a prescription they need to evaluate in an unemotional manner as to why it's needed and does it need to continue. Others are sympathetic but speak from experience when we say that a miscarriage is usually devastating for anyone at any time, but sadly life does have to continue, even if it feels like the most difficult step is to go back to 'normality'. People are only saying that it may be best to take that step as the routine of work and other commitments doesn't lessen any grief, but it does give you time away from it with 'keeping busy'.

Everyone is different OP.

I lost a sibling last year. I was back at work within two weeks. I felt like I needed it and it helped at the time. My grief didn't really hit me and I definitely wasn't ready to deal with it until recently. It's only recently I've begun councilling.

I think the GP has been doing due diligence. They need to make sure you don't have any physical complications still and make sure you are getting the emotional/mental health support you need if you're still not ready to face the world by now.

(I had two more losses, got told I’d had too much time off and should stop trying to get pregnant for the good of my clients...)

@LividJabber that’s horrendous one of biggest worries (after going through one mc and ttc now) is the thought of going through more mc and my work having this exact same approach, as I know I wouldn’t be strong enough to deal with that on top of more loss. So sorry you had to go through that and congratulations on your baby! 🌈

Sorry to everyone on here who has experienced a mc.

OP, I WFH throughout mine (fortunately) and it was just a complete blur thinking back, but it did actually help distract me surprisingly. But at the end of the day only you know yourself and where you’re at and what you can handle