Sick note after MC

[wtfjusthappend]

NC as don't want post to be linked back to me.

Posting as this has been playing on my mind and not sure if I'm the one BU.

I had an MC at 11+2 6 weeks ago. I self-certified for the first week then called my GP who signed me off work for 2 weeks.

After the 2 weeks I wasn't ready to return to work so requested another. I was given another 2 weeks without having to speak to the GP (their policy, not at my request) and same again 2 weeks later.

I still didn't feel ready (my head is all over the place) so last week requested a repeat of the previous extensions. This time a different GP gave me a 1 week extension and left a message with the receptionist to tell me if I need more time off I need to speak to a GP.

I made the appointment this morning and received a telephone call from original GP who signed me off.

He basically told me that 'lots of women have miscarriages and they don't ask for sick note after sick note' and I should be 'getting out of the house and talking to people'. He also said it's very likely that I will go on to have a normal pregnancy next time, to which I managed to reply that that wasn't really the point. I was quite upset at this point and struggling to explain myself to him.

He then said he wanted me to feel supported, to which I responded that if that were the case, perhaps when issuing my sick note the GP should have called me to discuss why I was asking for an extension.

I eventually managed to tell him that I have counselling in place through work, and also a telephone appointment with Occupational Health, to which he responded 'as you have a plan in place I will issue your sick note' and that was that.

I was left feeling as though I should 'be over it' by now.

I spoke to DH who simply responded with 'who is he to decide whether or not you should be ok by now?' - mirroring my feelings exactly.

I mean I understand he's a GP who has a lot more experience of this than I do. But surely he should be aware that all women handle this differently? This was my first MC and I have found the whole thing very traumatic.

AIBU?

I'm pretty strong-minded so I know I will move on from this in time. But someone else in this situation may not find it so easy.

Should I say something? Or just let it go?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

It definitely sounds like the GP was clumsy and lacking in some empathy. I understand him wanting to suggest that you might need some further support to help you start to feel better, but he didn’t make that suggestion in a kind or non-judgmental way. It would have made all the difference to ask if you needed further support, rather than telling you you should be over it by now.

Everyone deals with grief differently. Some people take longer than others to move past it. You aren’t wrong for needing more time, and shouldn’t be made to feel bad about it.

OP, we’re all commenting because we’ve all been through it too, so I hope you read our posts in the spirit of kindness with which they’re written. My last put me in hospital for 2 nights as I started haemorrhaging. How much time is going to be enough? You have to go back to work at some point, and I suspect the longer you leave it the harder it’ll get. You do need to just make up your mind to do it no matter how hard it feels.
I’ve booked a couple of days off in advance for each of my lost due dates, so I can have a good ugly cry over what might have been. Maybe you can do that too?

Sorry to hear about you loss.
I read it that you've had 8 weeks off, and I think that's a lot.
You're not expected to be "over it" when you go back to work; instead you continue to grieve.

On my 6th IVF (the other 5 failed), I had to have a traumatic TFMR in the second trimester. Since I was hoping to do more IVF (and would need some days off), I didn't feel I could take any days off for the TFMR. So I lost the baby on Sat, and back to work on Mon. Awful.
On my 9th IVF, I had a first trimester miscarriage. I had lost my job (I work in a cut-throat industry) and was studying for a senior-level job interview. While studying, I had the miscarriage, and then back to studying straight away. Again awful.
(The story ends happily - I had beautiful twins on my 10th IVF).

Not sure what my point is - when I read about women taking 8 weeks off, I feel upset I couldn't even take one day off.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP, however I agree with the posters above. Your GP was probably a bit clumsy with wording but it was time to have a chat with you. That's a long time to have off and a review should have been done about this. Maybe a phase return would be helpful?

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

I think the issue is, you seem to think you should be able to take as long as you need to feel 'normal.' And I think the GPs point is, you probably won't quickly go back to 'normal' or not caring. Can you explain what exactly it is you're struggling with? You say your head is all over the place - is it thoughts about this baby, not being able to conceive again, just generally distracted? I think there are two things: one, if you're not feeling 100% right, then you probably need to realise you won't fully until you go back to living your life normally.

Secondly, if its more than that, then you need to realise this isn't a 'normal' ie typical reaction to a miscarriage, and it may have triggered a bigger mental health issue, and you may need better support to deal with that.

I took two days off for an ERPC, and in retrospect that was stupid: I bled for a few weeks and was very drained and should have been off longer. But mentally, while I was sad, I didn't really think of the pregnancy as a 'baby' at that stage, and I was more upset about struggling to conceive again. It took a long time to fully move past it, but nearly 10 weeks is so long a return to work will be a struggle. I think it could be doing you more harm than good to say 'you can't put a timeline on grief' and to 'take as long as you need till you feel better' because the process of feeling better will be more complicated than that. You won't wake up one day and be like this never happened. You'll just do normal things, occasionally feel sad, then eventually the 'normal' feelings will crowd out the sad ones. I think protracted time off will be making that process take longer than it would otherwise.

I dont think the GP was suggesting that you should be over it. It sounded to me like he was suggesting that at 6 weeks most people are starting to feel like they are on the road to recover and if you're not then maybe the time off, on it's own, isn't helping you and you need something else in addition. Once he saw that you were going to access the counselling etc he signed you off.

I'm sorry for your loss. I have experienced miscarriage and I know how hard it is.

There is no timeline on grief, as someone else has said, but I don't think your GP was being unreasonable. You've had quite a long period off work - more than most people in this situation - and it's right to explore whether or not the time is actually helping you or whether you might benefit more from getting back to your normal routine. Maybe he could have expressed it more sensitively, but he was just doing his job.

I hope that you start to feel better soon.

That's quite a long time off work. If you're off work, does that not give you more time to sit around and dwell on things? Going to work would give you a sense of normality and routine and would distract your mind.

Is there something going on in your mind in addition to the miscarriage? Do you suffer with depression or anxiety?

Unless you have underlying mental health issues that have been exacerbated by your MC then you really should be back at work. 6 weeks is far too long to have off for a MC, sorry.

@wtfjusthappend

You should be able to take all the time you need. Without feeling judged.

You haven't mentioned what your job is which could have an effect on when you go back -

My first MC I went to work as normal and it was fine , my second MC i went to work for one shift but it was so difficult , I had 3 weeks or so off after that - I'm a mental health nurse - I couldn't focus and it wasn't fair on the other staff or patients.

I’m sorry for your loss OP, I have been there. But I do think your doctor is right, although he expressed it badly. 6 weeks is a long time, I think it would be better if you tried to get back to normal life, as a distraction if nothing else.

Sorry for your loss. I think the GP was trying to be helpful even if it doesn't feel that way. I had a MC so I know how painful it is.

It sounds like the GP handled it badly. I can see why they wouldn’t want to keep signing you off without putting something in place. A long time off can exacerbate some problems, especially if there is nothing in place to help build up coping mechanisms, and could be worse for some people’s mental health than going back to work. But they should surely have been talking about this and providing that support if this was what they were thinking, not just indicating you shouldn’t be asking because other women don’t.

I'm sorry - I had a missed miscarriage with surgical management at 10 weeks. I had 2 weeks off. You have to remember that GPs aren't just there to issue sick notes at the request of patients, they are there to ascertain if the patient is genuinely sick enough to be off work. Therefore when the patient requires substantially more time than the average (which as most have said here, is 1-2 weeks for a first trimester loss) they need to investigate if the patient is genuinely unable to work - it's their professional duty to do this.

I agree with others - how long is long enough? What will be different when you are 'ready'? I would bite the bullet and try going back to work, you can't avoid it forever and it may be making you feel worse to have nothing to distract you. You should talk to your HR though as they may be happy for you to do a 'ramp up' period where you go part time or reduced hours for a few weeks, my work does this after all lengthy sick leaves if requested.

So sorry for your loss, OP. I’ve been there myself so I know how hard it is, but it does get easier to deal with.

I do think, even though they expressed it appallingly, the GP is right. I know everybody is different but unless you’re actively seeking some kind of counselling to help with your grief, 6 weeks off is a long time for a 1st trimester MC. Which does indicate that you need to seek help.
I had a still birth at 22 weeks. I was only 19 and it really shook me. I had three weeks off work. I’m glad it wasn’t any longer because it was the right amount of time to process the initial grief but also not dwell and send myself into a depression. In those three weeks I sought help from my GP for ongoing grief counselling while I returned to work and was put on a short-term course of antidepressants. Returning to work was a welcome distraction. I think it’s important to let yourself grieve and rest but also, I do believe you need to be productive in trying to get better.

Depends on their exact words and tone of delivery. Maybe he was trying to say it is unusual for him to see people needing that much time off and he was concerned you weren't getting the support you needed. Then you said you had a plan in place for support and he gave you another week.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I dont think the GP was suggesting that you should be over it. It sounded to me like he was suggesting that at 6 weeks most people are starting to feel like they are on the road to recover and if you're not then maybe the time off, on it's own, isn't helping you and you need something else in addition. Once he saw that you were going to access the counselling etc he signed you off.

Yes I think this is what the GP was probably trying to say.

Thank you all. I guess I needed a little perspective to see this rationally.

Yes it is a good idea to go back to work, although I do wfh but I get that some normality is helpful.

I have questioned whether this is some form of depression, hence I have counselling in place and my first session is next week.

I do think once I've started counselling and spoken about things I'll feel more 'ready'. I just need to get out of my head and don't feel I can do that with family.

Thanks again x

It's tough, OP. I hope that the counselling helps.

You've had 7 weeks off which is a lot of time. The gp wouldn't be doing their job properly if they didn't speak to you about this. If you need more time you can always speak to your employer about taking some unpaid time off.

6 weeks for a first trimester loss does seem more than a little excessive tbh. Especially if you are wfh!

Hi OP, I think people have been a bit harsh. You've suffered a loss which at that stage is a bit different to at a few weeks even if it was still "only" first trimester.
It sounds like you definitely need to talk and then hopefully you might be able to face whatever normality is these days. Wfh probably makes it harder as you haven't got the routine of going to work and seeing other people.
Often GPs (any medical professional) say things that sound overly harsh, it sounds like he was in a rush but as you've got a plan that's great.
Try to get some tiny things to look forward to if you can. Sometimes too much time on your own to dwell and overthink is a bad thing and does the opposite of what you want/ need it to.
I hope you start to feel better soon and can be hopeful about the future.

I thought I was going to the heartless one saying that I felt 6 weeks was enough time. Like a PP said, it isn't that you should "be over it" or have stopped grieving by now, but that you do have to look at moving forwards. Everyone processes miscarriages differently, but I can't see how stopping living is going to help you move forward. The grieving however, takes as long as it takes.

I've had 2 miscarriages.

Your GP was absolutely right to check in on you before issuing another sick note.
You have had a lot of time away from work and perhaps he is concerned you are isolating yourself too much.
Be thankful he cared and don't complain,the nhs is completely overwhelmed at the moment.
You have support in place,focus on making the most of that.🌈