To think it’s challenging to support a family on £25k a year?

[Mileu]

I am pregnant with 1st DC and intend on going back to work after enhanced maternity pay ends- then my husband will stay home for a bit.
I keep getting comments that I’ll change my mind after DC is born and I won’t want to leave my baby, and it’s not all about money and I can stay home.
Other than finding it a bit sexist really (as if my job is just some sort of hobby) I also think it’s not practical.
Whilst it isn’t all about money, I earn £50k and my husband £25k.
There is no way we could maintain our current standard of living on just his salary (with or without a bit of additional SMP). When people suggest this I really think they must be out of touch- one £25k job does not pay the mortgage on a 3 bed semi in desirable area, run a car (we share one), and cover all the bills and necessities for two adults and a child. My job could- hence me going back and my husband then taking time off.
The only way I can think that we could do this is if we sold our house and moved to a 2 bed terrace in a less desirable area and then lived very frugally and even then we would be pushing it. Plus- I don’t want to do that!
These comments really annoy me 😬 AIBU to think people are clueless as to the cost of living (and to the fact that a woman can outearn a man!)

TBH whatever you decide to do ,someone will find fault! Why take notice of them? 50k is a good salary, and will be able to support a good standard of living for you all.If you are happy with your decision then just ignore them surely?They would probably ask you "what do you do all day" if you said you were going to leave your job FFS!

It can be done, but I don't think it would be ideal.

@OldTinHat

I brought my two DS up single handedly, worked, paid a mortgage and ran a clapped out car on £12k a year. They left home two years ago so I'm not talking 40yrs ago.

How much was your house that you managed to get a mortgage on 12k a year?

I would love to have stayed at home with my dc when they were young but financially I had to go back part time. It was a struggle and judgement like the op receives just makes it worse.

I think YABU to assume you know how you will feel once the baby is born. I was all set to carry on working full time when I had my first, did that for 8 months then was a SAHM for 5 years and have worked parted time ever since. Which was not what I'd originally planned at all.

Yes money comes into it but life has a way of making you eat your words (whatever they are - I have friends who were planning on being the best SAHM ever who ran back to the office after 6 months, and another whose child's disability put paid to a promising career).

Kind of off topic re your pregnancy but so many people really are clueless about salaries (particularly those on vv high ones). A friend of mine who recently separated from his wife wanted to move out of the family home but couldn’t afford to continue to pay the mortgage as well as rent somewhere else (he has therefore had to stay in the family home with his now ex). Another friends response to this was ‘how come?’, as in how come he couldn’t afford to do this. Completely baffling.

I'm just finishing my maternity leave after 5 months and my partner is going to take the next 4 months as parental leave. We did budget for me to be off longer but it was just easier for me to go back - I could earn more part time than he could full time.

So I'm back part time and using holiday initially to only be 2 days a week whilst I ease in to going back.

I'm not dreading it as I'll still have over half the week with my baby, I trust his dad to look after him well and I think it'll encourage more equal parenting going forward. Luckily I've not had many comments - my family, work colleagues (by nature of my job they know the ball park figure I must be paid compared to them/my partner) and friends all know I'm the higher earner. However, if my paternal grandfather was still alive I know I would have got the same.

Why don't these people suggest your DH stay at home? Since he's the lower earner.

I keep getting comments that I’ll change my mind after DC is born and I won’t want to leave my baby, and it’s not all about money and I can stay home.

We earned a hell of a lot less than you when we had DS, but the whole changing your mind after the baby is here thing? I found it really upsetting after a while that this kept being said to me, and I had to keep explaining that it didn't matter what I wanted I couldn't afford more time off. And then the same bloody conversation about reducing my hours.

They were also the people who felt the need to comment about me not wanting any more children after a difficult pregnancy (something else they commented on) and traumatic labour and birth (I'm sure if they'd been there they'd have had something to say). Some people just don't know when to shut the fuck up.

I’ve put YANBU. A 25k income is about £1.7k month net (assuming no pension contributions) We pay £1550 into the joint account each month and that covers the mortgage (£800) plus monthly household, bills and food. So theoretically we could survive but there would be no money to put petrol in the car, MOT, Car tax, new tyres, clothes, shoes, mobile phone, birthday, Christmas etc.

I find that with two DC I spend money like water. The kettle just went kaput yesterday and I need to get the exhaust check on my car. There is always something breaking, wearing out or DC growing out of all the time!

Are you making absolute statements about what you are going to do and how you will parent? Perhaps they are suggesting that it isn't like making other decisions and flexible thinking might be needed? Perhaps stop talking about what you intend to do and say that you are playing it by ear. Those of us who are older have seen both, women who insisted that they were going back quickly and didn't and women who intended to take a year out and went back sooner for lots of reasons.

Welcome to motherhood OP, you’ll be judged no matter what you do. I had people telling me I would regret going back full time after ‘just’ a year off. Had one woman tell me I’d feel so guilty handing my baby over to the nursery and would soon have to decide to give up my job. Nope, I was desperate to get back to work after mat leave and DD loves her time at nursery.

Just tune it out and do whatever works for you and your family.

I cannot believe how many people are telling OP to cut her hours back etc when she is the bread winner. No one would be saying this to a man?

Op I went back to work and was dreading it but it was fine. You may not want to at first but you will be providing for the baby.

I work full time and some evenings a month and am single but live in a 2 bed flat not really far from London so my outgoings are huge.

People are just assuming your husband earns more than you because that’s the norm. Which is a shame. Ignore them!

And similarly to you my DH is the lower earner by far, he obviously never got any such comments about regretting working full time. I think this sexist bullshit is so ingrained into people they don’t even stop to think before they open their mouths.

I am more concerned by the suggestion that all women would prefer to stay home. I had a baby and I went back to work after 10 months rather than the planned 12 because being home all day looking after a baby was really boring and I missed work! My H was able to take over the childcare until DD went to nursery which worked well for us.

You can be a loving and caring mum and not want to stay home with a baby long term...

YANBU. I went back when DD was 4 months old and DH took time off to be with her.

My MIL was a SAHM and she still refers to my job as "your little job" even though I out-earn her son 3x. Thankfully, DH is super-supportive and we never look internally into who made how much for as long as we have enough as a family.

I have a lot of respect for SAHMs, especially since I know I wouldn't have been able to do it myself. But I also come from a family in which all women had careers (mother, sister, aunt, grandmothers) so I don't think my child will suffer if it has a working mum. I make sure I spend quality time with her when I'm not working and am led by logic that that is better for her than having mum around all the time, but unhappy - and I personally would have been unhappy if I stayed at home.

My dh earns the same as you whereas I earn slightly less than your dh on part time wages. I am expecting my 3rd baby and will be going back after a year, I will feel upset initially but then get over it. I enjoy my job, I'm a professional working in healthcare and enjoy helping people. I worked hard at college, uni to pass exams and get myself my career. Working even part time allows us the opportunity to provide the extras in life that I enjoy, occasional takeaways, teas and coffees out, holidays abroad, weekends away in the UK, I can buy my kids treats should I want to and can still afford to pick up unexpected expenses. It is also a big part of my identity and is important to me. I pay the household bills too so my contribution is needed. We could manage without my wages but things would be tighter and I would need to think twice before making certain purchases. I would rather not do that. I also would not want to rely on dh for money nor leave the whole stress of providing for our family on his shoulders. I couldn't give a toss what anyone else thinks, there is always judgement.

It is true that you won't know how you feel until your baby is here. With my first I found it very difficult to leave her but with my ds it was easier. I'm not cut out to be a sahm but find part time work gives me a great balance. You can raise a one child family on £25k but would obviously have to live in a cheaper area and wouldn't have some of the things that are part of your lifestyle currently. You would also have to want to leave work and it is absolutely fine to not want that.

I think for many people they just can't fathom that a mother would want to continue working and earning once she has had a baby. Some fail to comprehend that two wages are needed to run a household or that the mother isn't willing to sacrifice her wages or career for the sake of her children. I think that goes back to the traditional view of mothers being selfless and putting everyone in front of themselves.

Your friends are probably assuming your DH is the higher earner. I find people consistently underestimate women's salaries. I am a single parent and people often seem confused that I can pay a mortgage and don't receive benefits - I just don't think they would make the same assumptions about a single father.

And YANBU - £25k would be very tight in most areas of the UK.

Don't give up work - I did and I've always regretted it, I loved my job, the salary wasn't great but it was mine. I gave it up to have a family, we had another child shortly after the first one, I then found it very hard to get back into work and I've always regretted my decision.

What the hell kind of psychedelics are your friends on?!

Its not about wether you can , its about what you want to do and whats best for your family

We did save so I could have the year off - it seemed sensible to me, but DH earns more than I do so it wouldn't have made sense to have him have unpaid time off.

BUT YANBU. I hate it when people assume I'd prefer to be at home with my kids than doing my job which I studied for 7 years at university for and have worked really hard to achieve! I love my job and you'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands!

Yanbu for going back to work - it's what I would do in your situation
Yabu thinking you can't live on 25k though!

I imagine the people making these comments don't know your salary or your DH's. Weird comments though, no one ever said those things to me when I was on mat leave, and I've never heard that view expressed - everyone I know needs two incomes to raise a family.

Yanbu, it sounds ideal that your dh is part-time or sahp while your dc is young and you can work to provide for the family. No one should assume its the woman who gives up work.