To think it’s challenging to support a family on £25k a year?

[Mileu]

I am pregnant with 1st DC and intend on going back to work after enhanced maternity pay ends- then my husband will stay home for a bit.
I keep getting comments that I’ll change my mind after DC is born and I won’t want to leave my baby, and it’s not all about money and I can stay home.
Other than finding it a bit sexist really (as if my job is just some sort of hobby) I also think it’s not practical.
Whilst it isn’t all about money, I earn £50k and my husband £25k.
There is no way we could maintain our current standard of living on just his salary (with or without a bit of additional SMP). When people suggest this I really think they must be out of touch- one £25k job does not pay the mortgage on a 3 bed semi in desirable area, run a car (we share one), and cover all the bills and necessities for two adults and a child. My job could- hence me going back and my husband then taking time off.
The only way I can think that we could do this is if we sold our house and moved to a 2 bed terrace in a less desirable area and then lived very frugally and even then we would be pushing it. Plus- I don’t want to do that!
These comments really annoy me 😬 AIBU to think people are clueless as to the cost of living (and to the fact that a woman can outearn a man!)

I only stayed home a few months with each. I don't know anyone who quit work to stay home. I certainly wouldn't give up 50k a year and a decent home.

Does your DH now share in the housework etc. at home?

@JustWonderingIfYou

I think most people would assume someone in your position- homeowner, stable relationship, nice area- would have saved up to enable a longer maternity leave before getting pregnant.

I certainly would have made that assumption if if you look to be in a position to do that. In my personal experience most women want to spend as long as possible with their newborn before going back to work even my most career loving friends.

I don't think most people expect women to have saved enough not to have to go back to work.

Obviously you are going to head back, and your husband do the latter part of parental leave! People do still think women’s careers are optional, and still assume the male partner will earn more... but you are in the vanguard, and people will gradually stop doing this.

(No one would choose to raise a family on 25, when they have the option of 50+)

And just to add, women haven’t always had the opportunity to take the maternity they do now. My mum was only eligible for 12 weeks with me and my siblings. We’ve all turned out ok.

It totally depends on your outgoings really. I am a SAHM to two preschoolers and DH earns £23k. No benefits other than child benefit. No debt other than mortgage. It's a bit tight but we manage fine and still have the odd treat and enough for one annual holiday in the UK. Our mortgage is only £450 per month, 3 bed end terrace in a very nice village in the east midlands. We've each got a car under 5 years old (bought while I was still working though!)

@BusyLizzie61

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seriously?

I wonder how many people have told your husband that he'll miss the baby and it's just money and he should give up work?

It's just sexism.

Just to throw a little bit of a curveball into the mix, there’s a likelihood that on your husbands salary alone, depending on how much savings you have that you would qualify for universal credit (no way you would qualify with yours).

With that plus child benefit, it may be that that tops you up a fair amount, and yes indeed, I believe whilst it would be a drop in living standards in some ways, it would be doable and potentially beneficially in intangible ways.

None of which is to say you should give up your job! But check it out because it could be eye opening....

@BusyLizzie61

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Where to start with this one...

Would you say this if the OP was a man? No.
Is it possible to be a good parent while working? Yes
Are you trying to make yourself feel better about whatever is bugging you by making another woman feel pointlessly guilty? Yes

You do you.

I went back to work when DS was 16weeks old. I was the only wage earner and Dh became a SAHD. The number of comments I got assuming I wouldn't go back from colleagues and managers. I'm not sure what they thought we were going to live off!

I think it probably is different leaving your child with their father, rather than having to use a nursery. I basically got home from work and had play time with DS while DH cooked dinner. I never had any anxiety about leaving him, why would I? He was with his dad.

We did swap after a year and a half, as DH hated being at home and my new role was awful, but it gave us both a different perspective on both childcare and working.

Just do what works for you and your family and ignore the comments.

@EatingApplesAndBananas

It totally depends on your outgoings really. I am a SAHM to two preschoolers and DH earns £23k. No benefits other than child benefit. No debt other than mortgage. It's a bit tight but we manage fine and still have the odd treat and enough for one annual holiday in the UK. Our mortgage is only £450 per month, 3 bed end terrace in a very nice village in the east midlands. We've each got a car under 5 years old (bought while I was still working though!)

I find it difficult to believe you wouldn’t qualify for some Universal credit in these circumstances, unless you have savings above well north of 6k.

I was happy to go back to work.

I loved my job, it was part of my identity and linked to lots of friendship groups.

After maternity leave DH and I properly shared the parenting. We each did one day a week from home, shared nursery pick ups etc and prioritised family life at weekends.

I felt 100% Mum as well as being a career person, very close to the kids.

I earned a bit more than DH, we needed 2 jobs, but you don’t have to justify it financially.

Do what suits you. People love to spout crap about other people’s lives.

I think most people would assume someone in your position- homeowner, stable relationship, nice area- would have saved up to enable a longer maternity leave before getting pregnant.

This seems quite a common MN view that people have 6 months or a years salary in savings. I would never assume that . In RL I think theres a statistic that most people are 3 paychecks away from being homeless.

@BusyLizzie61
Cutting your income by two thirds (and adding a third person into the mix) is hardly making a few lifestyle tweaks! It's not greedy or wanting a life of luxury to be able to pay mortgage and bills.
It's like the people that tell millenials that if they gave up avocados on toast they could afford to buy a house! ignoring the fact that they are paying most of their wages in rent and a house might be 12 x their salary

I'm going to blow BusyLizzie's mind. I could have not gone back at all and we would have been financially OK. Instead I went back at 8 months and DH took over the rest of the leave, despite being to this day the higher earner. I was ready and glad to. I was bored and lonely on maternity leave.

YANBU.

I brought my two DS up single handedly, worked, paid a mortgage and ran a clapped out car on £12k a year. They left home two years ago so I'm not talking 40yrs ago.

YANBU at all.

My p/t wages + small pension come to around £15k pre-deductions. I live alone and have no mortgage or other debts, but just my fixed outgoings (c/tax, utilities, insurances, road tax) come to around £350 a month.

On paper, it should be easily manageable, but every month there seems to be a big outlay on one thing or another (last month my tv died, the month before I needed 2 new tyres, new glasses a couple of months ago). I'm far from skint, and can afford regular haircuts, wine and stuff like that, but there really isn't a huge amount spare.

I get my state pension in August, but I don't think I'll be able to comfortably afford to stop work until I can move to a cheaper area. I could survive on it, but I'd be perpetually anxious about the car or the washing machine packing up.

£25k for a family sounds really tight to me, although if that income is equally earned, there'd be no tax to pay. But rent alone could easily account for £1,000 a month. And children are so expensive. The buggers will insist on growing, ffs.

I never really got these comments. Couldn't imagine someone indicating pity that I had to go back to work full time😂 Even a stranger would know immediately it's not for me. But then I think I've the holy grail of an amazing nanny and WFH this last 8 yrs. I had 4 babies in 5 years and love them hugely. But fuck that shit staying at home to be everyone's maid and rely financially on DH. Don't care what others do but it's absolutely not for me and my family.

Basically I couldn't imagine anyone pitying me because I'd laugh at their ridiculousness.

BusyLizzie61
I find is so sad that parents, especially mothers who have such a bond with their child from having carried it, put lifestyle above actual time with their child when they are young.

That's your choice. It's you that will probably have missed out on the many memories and experiences. But if that's your preference for your nice house and current lifestyle go ahead.

However as a parent you should be willing and wanting to put your child's needs above all and living in a terrace and managing on 25k or perhaps 50k if you only work 0.5 isn't actually that difficult to manage. And yes people still have a life!

To me, those choices are self centred rather than being selfless which is what they should be as a parent, imo. And if they're not willing to be selfless then really that's a big question mark over why people choose to be a parent at all, beyond it almost just being another item on the tickkist, house tick, car tick, child tick, holiday tick...

Where to start with this one...

Would you say this if the OP was a man? No.
Is it possible to be a good parent while working? Yes
Are you trying to make yourself feel better about whatever is bugging you by making another woman feel pointlessly guilty? Yes

You do you.

It's not even about the money, it's about the blinkered assumption that a mother must feel sad about working, whilst never putting this on the father.

What about the positive view that isn't this a great situation where the dad will get the opportunity to spend time with their child as well?

@JustWonderingIfYou

I think most people would assume someone in your position- homeowner, stable relationship, nice area- would have saved up to enable a longer maternity leave before getting pregnant.

I certainly would have made that assumption if if you look to be in a position to do that. In my personal experience most women want to spend as long as possible with their newborn before going back to work even my most career loving friends.

No, they aren’t assuming that.

And constructing that argument to get in a dig is nasty.

I was pretty keen to get back into work after 8 months tbh.

BUT I went back part time. So did DH.

A lot depends on your DC as well.

No way I could have gone back before 11 months with DC2.

Yes @TulisaIsBrill we've got a lot of savings, we wanted a large buffer in case DH lost his job and for the inevitable unexpected large bills that might crop up before I eventually go back to work
For the last couple of years I worked, we tested whether we could live off the one salary by putting all of mine into savings. Not a stealth boast but I feel it was a really useful thing to have done and may be an idea for someone else in the sort of position we were in, wanting to be a stay at home parent but on a low household income.

Your post and the title of your post seem like two different things. People saying this to you are wrong and sexist. But I wonder if the know the deta of who earns what?

You are not bu

but it's worth remembering that sometimes your feelings change after baby is born

Ideally work out as many options as possible - part time suited me best, gave me enough cash , other human contact for both me and dd, and lots of time with dd

Then do what's right for your family

Some women do want to go back to work but change their mind when the baby arrives, some don’t change their mind. You don’t know what side of the scales you fall on until after the baby arrives.

P.s, it’s easier to go back to work than be a sahp, do that!