To think it’s challenging to support a family on £25k a year?

[Mileu]

I am pregnant with 1st DC and intend on going back to work after enhanced maternity pay ends- then my husband will stay home for a bit.
I keep getting comments that I’ll change my mind after DC is born and I won’t want to leave my baby, and it’s not all about money and I can stay home.
Other than finding it a bit sexist really (as if my job is just some sort of hobby) I also think it’s not practical.
Whilst it isn’t all about money, I earn £50k and my husband £25k.
There is no way we could maintain our current standard of living on just his salary (with or without a bit of additional SMP). When people suggest this I really think they must be out of touch- one £25k job does not pay the mortgage on a 3 bed semi in desirable area, run a car (we share one), and cover all the bills and necessities for two adults and a child. My job could- hence me going back and my husband then taking time off.
The only way I can think that we could do this is if we sold our house and moved to a 2 bed terrace in a less desirable area and then lived very frugally and even then we would be pushing it. Plus- I don’t want to do that!
These comments really annoy me 😬 AIBU to think people are clueless as to the cost of living (and to the fact that a woman can outearn a man!)

I find it difficult to believe you wouldn’t qualify for some Universal credit in these circumstances, unless you have savings above well north of 6k.

I think you might be right, @TulisaIsBrill. As there's no rent, the higher work allowance would apply and the various elements must come to £1,100 or thereabouts.

I start work in a few minutes, so will check it out with our benefit software. It's too early for manual calculations!

Don't lose your job as may be hard to replace. Could partner reduce his hours? Pay for some help in house so weekends can be special and not filled with washing and cleaning.

A lot depends on what you class as necessities. Some people class new clothes and sunny holidays as necessities. We went years on second hand clothes, toys and books and only holidaying in the U.K. in caravans or with family. I also cooked from scratch using very cheap ingredients whilst some people would spend a lot more on food because they class expensive things like chicken breasts or ready meals as essential. We drove an old, small car when our neighbours had snazzy 4x4s. These economies enabled us to pay a mortgage on a small detached home on one salary. However throughout that time I maintained my gym membership because to me that was essential whereas for lots of people it would be the first thing to go.

If your husband is willing to do a large part of the parenting I would say, without any reservation, go back to work! My job took a back seat after having my son and now when I realise that he doesn't really remember his early years anyway, all the effort and sacrifice I put in seems to have been largely unnoticed! My main concern at the time was that no-one could care for him as well as I could. He is a well-balanced, lovely child now but to be fair, if my husband or someone else had been the main carer the outcome may well have been the same, and my career wouldn't have been screwed.

I also think saving is crucial - pensions will be crap in the future if they exist at all, and (assuming you're in the UK) further education will get ever more expensive. Saving up now for his/her university or college expenses will be a godsend.

When you go back to work is there any way you could do some of your work from home, so you can see a bit more of your child?

I know a few women who've been in your situation.

What I would say from their experience is this;

Book nursery now. The good ones fill up fast and you'll feed it for when DH returns to work.

Tell work you're taking the full year just in case something happens and you change your mind. It's easier to come back early than to extend.

Save hard now

Look at your bills and outgoings. Change suppliers, change supermarkets, change lifestyle and try to reduce those outgoings to help with saving and give you a buffer.

You'll spend a lot less when baby is here. It's like lockdown, you just don't spend so much

You still early holiday while on maternity leave. You can add this to the end of your leave to extend your full paid time out.

This sounds really annoying. Why do they think it's any of their business? It's really rude to tell anyone who hasn't asked for another person's opinion what they should be doing with their life.

I don’t think money should be relevant to the conversation all. There should not be any assumption that you should stay home or go part time.

I’m getting this at the moment aswell OP. I’m due our first in a few weeks time and am planning to take around 6 months off with baby. Because I wasn’t taking a year my boss asked if I even wanted to be a mum he’d also recently had his first and his wife wasn’t planning to return to work.

It’s horse shit. I earn double my husbands wage aswell but that is completely not the point. I’m 26, the more I can push career progression now the more flexibility I will have have later when our child is school age and will actually remember.

I find is so sad that parents, especially mothers who have such a bond with their child from having carried it, put lifestyle above actual time with their child when they are young

Comments like this really frustrate me. I’m not going back to work for the money, or for the lifestyle. I’m going back because I value my career. My child will still be very much loved.

To be honest I find the hand wringers and the "Isn't it just so sad you have to work" brigade ultimately just not very bright or wilfully choosing not to be.

It's really not rocket science that both parents working can be because financially they need to even without luxuries , both enjoy the work (shock horror enjoying your job doesn't mean you don't love your children), or most importantly it's a sensible way of future proofing your lives.

I always out earned both Exdh and DP but as well as that I kept my work experience up and my qualifications continuing. It meant that when my marriage ended I could make that transition easier for my DC.

When DS1 was diagnosed ASD the extra money allowed me to pay for what he needed. When I was made redundant in the Pandemic the fact that I had recent work history and recent qualifications meant I went quickly into a job whereas I know a couple of recently SAHP who are struggling as their DH lost their job and they are keen to pick up the other end and go back to work but are losing out to people with more recent experience.

SAHM is not remotely a walk in the park and it's not the easy option (neither are easy in my experience ) there is huge validity to both situations. None of it is sad.

If your DC are loved and cared for and supported it's not sad if the DP work.

Honestly the people that make comments on either are totally uninterested in what your lifestyle is , only in terms that it validates their own. Its entirely about them feeling insecure in their own choices and needing to criticise you to make themselves feel better. Do what works for you and yours. Anyone else's opinion is irrelevant.

I am sahm (for now, back to work soon) and recently started a thread on sahm and being judged. Lots of the replies from working mums were that they felt judged too. My point is you just can't bloody win!

Just do what works for you and your family.

Personally our family would struggle on 25k, but it's all relative to outgoings, you obviously know your outgoings and it sounds like it would be a squeeze. Your plan sounds sensible to me.

YANBU of course. It is up to you and your DH to do what you want with your lives not anyone else! People have no right to tell you how you should feel. Your (plural) family, your decisions. I hate this outdated sexist nonsense.

YANBU at all. Maternity leave (in my experience) is awful. I wouldn't have been able to go back easily before 9 months due to the lack of sleep I was getting while breastfeeding a wakey baby, but I was so ready in my last 2 months to escape the endless walks, coffees and baby classes.

YANBU to be annoyed that people still think only the man can be the main breadwinner. YABU to think you can't live on £25k with just one baby.
Also you don't know how you'll feel when the baby is born. You might both decide to go part time.

@Sweak

I am sahm (for now, back to work soon) and recently started a thread on sahm and being judged. Lots of the replies from working mums were that they felt judged too. My point is you just can't bloody win!

Just do what works for you and your family.

Personally our family would struggle on 25k, but it's all relative to outgoings, you obviously know your outgoings and it sounds like it would be a squeeze. Your plan sounds sensible to me.

Women will always be judged. Never men.

Man works full time - oh he’s so good providing for his family. Man is sahd - oh how lovely that he’s involved with his kid.

Woman works full time - how can she abandon her kids? Woman is sahm - she’s lazy, she should have a career.

Having it all - fucking myth.

There’s a lot wrong with our society.

I am single and have one DC. My total income, which includes my wages, tax credits and child maintenance from my ex, is £24k a year after pension contributions and tax. We live well on this. My mortgage and bills total about £600pm, food shopping and school dinners around £400pm, leaving £1000pm disposable income. If there was another adult in the house it would be a stretch but not impossible.

It's all relative though, I live in a cheap area, have no car and no travel costs as school and my work are walking distance from home, minimal childcare costs as DS only goes to breakfast club and I can usually get family help in the school holidays with the odd day at holiday club. In a different part of the country under different circumstances I'd be in poverty!

YANBU at all to go back to work though.

It’s a small talk people are making coming from a lot of ingrained sexist assumptions. Yes, your views might change for whatever reasons but it would be your decision in new circumstances. Someone posted you a good advice about booking good nursery ASAP.

I’m SAHM by the way due to mixture of personal circumstances, the main one is my daughter’s disability. However your decision looks absolutely reasonable to me.

@OldTinHat

I brought my two DS up single handedly, worked, paid a mortgage and ran a clapped out car on £12k a year. They left home two years ago so I'm not talking 40yrs ago.

You would have claimed a significant amount of benefits/ tax credits with 2 kids living on 12k though surely?

If a man carries on working (in whatever job, however long or unsociable the hours) after becoming a parent, it seems barely worthy if comment.
If a man chooses to be a SAHD (or even takes a day off and does something with his baby or toddler) he is hailed a superhero.
If a woman goes back to work, "other people" are supposedly bringing up her child.
If she stays at home shes lazy, sponging, wasting her education and skills, leaving herself vulnerable etc etc

YANBU. I would assume the people making these comments either don't know the disparity in your wages or are just trying to make (rather sexist!) conversation. The assumption that a mother will always be primary carer (and its converse that a man has no need to be a carer) is just outdated and annoying.

Leaving aside the money issue, I think it's brilliant that your husband will get to have some 1:1 time with the baby as well. We did shared parental leave for six months each and while DH has always been a great dad, it was so nice to see their bond get even closer. We had a similar disparity in wages, plus a) I wanted to get back to work (not cut out to be a SAHM) and b) DS has two parents and we're both perfectly capable of looking after him.

TLDR: Do what works for your family!

Cross posted @Lalliella

Having it all - fucking myth

Completely this

Don’t give up your job, it’s really really hard to go back and get back at the same level or with the same prospects.
It’s hard enough going back after maternity leave, time and time again companies make it difficult to go back (mine certainly made it impossible). But doing it after years out, very difficult.

You'll be judged either way ,Op ,so do what is best and affordable for you and your family. We cant win either way . Best of luck

I'm in a very similar position to you op! I used my accrued holidays to ease back into work after 6 months whilst still getting full pay, which has been great. Yes, it will be hard to leave my baby everyday when I'm back to full time hours, but it's the reality of workplace equality, and my partner is more than capable of looking after our child when I do.
I had the same comments before going off on mat leave btw!

@Confusedandshaken

A lot depends on what you class as necessities. Some people class new clothes and sunny holidays as necessities. We went years on second hand clothes, toys and books and only holidaying in the U.K. in caravans or with family. I also cooked from scratch using very cheap ingredients whilst some people would spend a lot more on food because they class expensive things like chicken breasts or ready meals as essential. We drove an old, small car when our neighbours had snazzy 4x4s. These economies enabled us to pay a mortgage on a small detached home on one salary. However throughout that time I maintained my gym membership because to me that was essential whereas for lots of people it would be the first thing to go.

I would class having savings and a pension as necessities. Its not all holidays and handbags. Look up the Chartered Insurers Institute report on risks to women during their lives. After violence/ sexual assault the risks to womens finances is shocking.

This frustrates me too OP. So many assume that the man can carry things on his own and it's totally up to the woman whether she returns to work or not. There is no way I could give up work after a baby, and tbh even going part-time would be a stretch. Myself & DP earn similarly to you and your DH.