To think it’s challenging to support a family on £25k a year?

[Mileu]

I am pregnant with 1st DC and intend on going back to work after enhanced maternity pay ends- then my husband will stay home for a bit.
I keep getting comments that I’ll change my mind after DC is born and I won’t want to leave my baby, and it’s not all about money and I can stay home.
Other than finding it a bit sexist really (as if my job is just some sort of hobby) I also think it’s not practical.
Whilst it isn’t all about money, I earn £50k and my husband £25k.
There is no way we could maintain our current standard of living on just his salary (with or without a bit of additional SMP). When people suggest this I really think they must be out of touch- one £25k job does not pay the mortgage on a 3 bed semi in desirable area, run a car (we share one), and cover all the bills and necessities for two adults and a child. My job could- hence me going back and my husband then taking time off.
The only way I can think that we could do this is if we sold our house and moved to a 2 bed terrace in a less desirable area and then lived very frugally and even then we would be pushing it. Plus- I don’t want to do that!
These comments really annoy me 😬 AIBU to think people are clueless as to the cost of living (and to the fact that a woman can outearn a man!)

Although my OH earns a lot (over £70,000) I am going back full time. I will be earning around £40,000 so nowhere near as much it not an insignificant figure either.

In some ways it isn’t ideal and I may well ask for part time in the following year but I do feel the benefits of my working negate any negatives.

I work term time only so I will have holidays with ds. Plus pension contributions are important.

It will be hard but looking at the long view I think saving for ds’s future is just as important as the here and now.

YANBU. I out earn my husband several times over and work full-time. I find it's unusual in my middle class area of greater London, where most school mums (primary) are at home or work part-time.

My career is important to me and no way I was giving it up, also feel it's very important to set a good example to the kids too.

Yanbu
People saying stuff like that clearly have no idea what you earn or why you might want to go back to work. I don’t have any children but I certainly would go back to my job if I did

Welcome to the world of 'people and their opinions'. For some unfathomable reason having a child appears to give some people cart blanche to tell you what you should / shouldnt be doing.
A lot of people get hung up if you dont follow the same path as them. It's like they forget we're all individuals and follow our own paths. There's no right or wrong way to raise children.

YANBU.
It's not the income that's important, it's income Vs outgoings.
Plus.. you are leaving baby with Dad, not being babysat by an alligator or hungry lion. The only bit of parenting men can't do post birth is breastfeed but they can provide other milk sources

Shared parental leave shouldn't be seen as odd.

I honestly just think some people cannot understand that the woman is the higher earner in the relationship. I had to go back before a year was up with my babies but then my DP was at home with them. Men and women were bemused I wasn't taking a whole year but my salary could pay all the bills, DPs couldn't.

@busylizzie61 wow. What is wrong with you?

I went back to work after 10 months so I could exercise my brain and my skillset again. I love it, it's an excellent work/life/family balance.

You'll - shock horror - still be able to spend a lot of time with your DC even if you are back at work! I'd just roll your eyes dramatically anytime somebody says something like that to you.

When I took maternity leave I was earning a little less than you and DH was earning a little more than your DH I saved about 7k, but taking a year even with enhanced maternity pay cost us 26k , we could afford to do it but we didn't save during that time. I love my job and didn't want to quit but I wasn't ready at 6/7 months to go back

@BusyLizzie61 she’s providing for her child. I think that’s pretty selfless.

It’s manageable but your lifestyle would need to fit the income. Guessing that being a higher earner you take for granted things those on lower income consider luxuries.

You are totally not being unreasonable and I received the same advice when I was about to take maternity leave. People in my team were convinced I wouldn’t be back after 6 months. My male manager kept explaining motherhood to me and about how it would change my perspective on life and I wouldn’t want to come back.

I had to go back. I only returned part time but that gives us another £33k a year to help cover costs. Whilst it may not seem like a lot it was needed to keep a roof over our heads. Plus I actually like working and enjoy those 3 days a week! My field also moves so quickly that even after 6 months I felt a little out of date on things!

YANBU, my mum seems to think any woman can choose to stay at home with their children and live off fresh air, its infuriating. For a huge number of families, living off one salary will never be feasible. However, I was hell bent on going back full time and now DD is 8 months I've decided to drop a day to have more time with her meaning we will be a bit poorer. So there may be something in what people say about changing your mind once you have the baby, but obviously not everyone can just become a SAHM.

Some people have no idea about real salaries. They might think your DP earns more than 25k. Of course you should go back to work as the higher earner. People suggesting go part time might not realise that people don’t have a right to go back part time. It may be full time or nothing. Or part time with onerous conditions - like having to work evenings or weekends.

It seems a logical decision to me.

But even if it wasn’t based on finances - surely whatever decisions you and your partner make about how to care for your child are exactly that. Your decisions.

I hope it all goes well.

When DS was born I was the higher earner so I went back to work and DH was a SAHF. I have to confess that I hated it. My job was a career type job with long hours and week long conferences. I really resented it.

The plus point was that DH realised how hard it was to get anything done when looking after a baby. So when I became a SAHM for DD he certainly wasn't expecting dinner on the table and a tidy house!

BusyLizzie61 what a ridiculous comment, I was a SAHM to my DS for 12 years - he's 20 now and neither of us cares about 'looking back on memories' or other stuff like that. He's a Uni student, no different to thousands of Uni students whose mother worked outside the home or not.

What I do care about is now heading towards retirement age with a much reduced pension because of the decision I made 20 years ago ... no amount of looking back on tedious school assemblies and play dates is going to fund my retirement.

@BusyLizzie61 oh get a grip! She is providing for her child. Not every man in a relationship is the breadwinner.

We could have struggled by on my partners salary but it would have meant moving hours away from work and still counting every penny. The stress would have made life miserable and I doubt I would be enjoying those special moments.

I work part time and feel I am a better mother for it. We have 2 full days a week of just DD and I as well as 2 days with the whole family on the weekend. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything.

Welcome to motherhood OP

Ignore them, especially the precious memories crew. You’ll make plenty of precious memories regardless of if you work or not.

There are plenty of us who had “short” mat leaves and work (sharp intake of breath) full time. Kids are happy, healthy and gorgeous. You don’t need to be on the breadline to justify having a job either - wanting to work doesn’t make you selfish or a bad mother.

(Oh, and if you DO change your mind that’s ok too. But don’t assume you will & create an imaginary problem ahead of time!)

I agree with pp that income Vs outgoing is the important factor - 25k with large bills and high maintenance lifestyle wouldn't be doable but others could do a lot with it.

Maybe take a chance to re-evaluate your outgoings to see where you could save of that's what you want to do.

We're a family of 4 with a total income of 35k, DH works FT, I work 2 PT jobs to fit around school and Autistic DS who has a tendancy to run home if he has a hard day so need to be on hand for him. It's shit but we are "lucky" that we know how to budget and live within our means so that we are comfortable enough.

We have three children and a mortgage. Our combined income is 4.5k a month after deductions. Outgoings are approximately 2.5k, so we could not manage as we are on 25k. We could tighten our belts and make it work but it would be far less comfortable than it is right now

These posts really irritate me. Salery is completely irrelevant. Cant believe the posters that say qhat you are doing is sad!

Of course it is absolutely fine to return to work after enhanced maternity leave ends.
Much better and less selfish than taking all the leave for yourself. You partner deserves a chance to bond and look after your the baby too. Two weeks dont cut it.
You will both have a better bond than families where the mother takes all the leave.

The uk system is so sexist that the woman has to give up leave and give permission for the man to get any. They should have the right to leave too

You are doing the best thing for your baby x x

Surely they just think that you and your dp earn similar amounts.

They are surprised that your dp is staying at home because they think that you both earn the same salary, and know that they themselves would rather be at home than at work.

It's just small talk. No one cares really. Say that you're going back because you earn more, or that you're going back because you love your career, or say nothing if you prefer, but don't get annoyed about the comment because they have no idea about your family's financial circumstances.

@BusyLizzie61

I find is so sad that parents, especially mothers who have such a bond with their child from having carried it, put lifestyle above actual time with their child when they are young.

That's your choice. It's you that will probably have missed out on the many memories and experiences. But if that's your preference for your nice house and current lifestyle go ahead.

However as a parent you should be willing and wanting to put your child's needs above all and living in a terrace and managing on 25k or perhaps 50k if you only work 0.5 isn't actually that difficult to manage. And yes people still have a life!

To me, those choices are self centred rather than being selfless which is what they should be as a parent, imo. And if they're not willing to be selfless then really that's a big question mark over why people choose to be a parent at all, beyond it almost just being another item on the tickkist, house tick, car tick, child tick, holiday tick...

Blimey, this post oozes judgment.

You can still have a job and have a bond with your children.

Op, I’ve gone back to work after 2 short maternity leaves (3 and 4 months). Do what you have to do and ignore those questioning your choices.