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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends daughters 1st birthday

543 replies

namechangedforthis21 · 16/05/2021 21:26

It was my friends daughters 1st birthday yesterday. She had given everyone set time to show up for dropping off presents and to see her dd. My family was assigned 12-12:30 I text her during the week to say we would be there but would be slightly later as my dd football finished at 12. She changed the time to 12:30-1 which I said was no problem. After football we drove to her house and my dd was still in her football strip. Today she has texted me saying Hi I wasn't going to say anything as I didn't want to make you feel bad but I was very upset that ....... showed up to ..... 1st birthday party in her football strip given the fact I changed your time to accommodate her football. It would of been nice if you could have made an effort and got her changed into proper party attire.
I still haven't replied as I don't no what to say.
WIBU by not changing dd8 out of her football strip?

OP posts:
saraclara · 17/05/2021 00:58

@MimiDaisy11

I am going to text her in the morning saying that I was unaware that it was a party and I hope that her dd had a good birthday and liked her present

I get that you don't want to text her telling her to get a grip or another thing that will piss her off. But saying you were unaware it was a party reads apologetic to me. For which you have nothing to apologise for. I personally would be annoyed if I made the effort to go and give a present to someone at an allotted time (lol) and then they responded like that. Personally, I'd just ignore it.

Yep, that text sounds okay as long as you don't apologise for anything, @namechangedforthis21. Please don't stick a 'sorry' in there or anything else that indicates apology. You did nothing wrong at all.
Tubs11 · 17/05/2021 01:06

Hold up! Was your DD in a Manu strip and they're staunch Liverpool fans??? Poor 1yr old will probably be scared for life and need counseling for your inconsiderate behaviour....said no one ever

Suit you BBQ is genius

JimBobNoJob · 17/05/2021 01:07

[quote mainsfed]@Junkbox hat was the reaction when you said no?

So glad you’re not going.[/quote]
They don’t know none of us is going yet! Still got another month to drop the “bombshell!” 😀

JimBobNoJob · 17/05/2021 01:15

Oops name change fail! 🙄

TheSilence · 17/05/2021 01:32

@Guavafish

It’s her first born and it’s lock down.

I would ignore it completely or just apologise by saying you won’t have made the time and got changed in time! Say hopefully next year there will be no time restrictions!

I totally disagree with this, please don’t apologise op. This thread has wound me up, I can’t stand ungrateful people as it is, the fact that she didn’t say thanks for the present is one thing. But for her to say what she did about what your daughter was wearing is a whole other level! Shock

I know you’ve been friends a long time but to me being a good friend is also calling them out on their shitty behaviour and letting them know they’ve upset you. She was incredibly rude.

BlueVelvetStars · 17/05/2021 01:51

@Guavafish

Apologise for WHAT!?

bestowing a beautiful gift to a child's 1st birthday and not even allowed to stay or see the child.. despite your own child playing in a football game?

Behave 😂🤣

ddl1 · 17/05/2021 02:31

This is pretty nasty of her.

Normally, it would seem very peculiar and excessively formal to allocate time slots at all. I can, however, see the point under present circumstances: it may be a way of ensuring social distancing and avoiding the risk of having too many people around at any one time. However, it's certainly not a party and it seems outrageous to demand that a child should dress up just to give another child a present. Especially when that other child is a baby, has no concept of birthdays and special occasions, and, I am sure, couldn't care less what someone is wearing! Is the mum's behaviour due to an obsession with photos? Or is she just incredibly formal? Though it's much worse manners to be that ungrateful for a present than to not dress up enough, even if it were a party. I'm a bit sorry for her kid!

21Flora · 17/05/2021 02:39

The replies to this thread are disproportionately horrible. If your friend of 30 years has never behaved like this before surely you’d be worried about her?

She has probably had a really difficult year and not been able to celebrate her first baby like she would have normally. I bet there has been no baby shower, christening, baby classes, Christmas, Easter. It seems to me like she’d pinned all her hopes on her birthday as she again wasn’t allowed to have a little party. I’d be far more concerned about her having some sort of post natal depression than sending a snide text to get one up on her.

1forAll74 · 17/05/2021 02:57

Loopy woman..I bet the baby would have laughed at that.

UCOinanOCG · 17/05/2021 03:15

What a very odd message. What does it matter what your DD was wearing? I think you do need to respond in some way and not just ignore it.

Justilou1 · 17/05/2021 03:48

Wow! This is like laying an offer in front of a bloody idol, not a first birthday party! Were you both obliged to bow and pray in the presence of this beatific child?

Cocogreen · 17/05/2021 03:49

Ignore the message.
What I find rude is to not be given a little cake or a biscuit in a party bag or something to take away to thank you for turning up for half an hour with a gift.
Not dressing up for a non existent party where the birthday baby is in a marquee outside and she's offended?
I think she's probably upset she couldn't have the 1st birthday party she wanted for her baby and is sad and stressed.
Don't respond.

OloBo · 17/05/2021 04:17

I’m also going to defend her for the time slot thing given the current situation. Not ideal for anyone, but if you’ve got lots of people wanting to see the little one/bring presents, it would seem the only logical way of doing it with current restrictions.

However, that’s not the point. That message was completely insane. Even if it had been a party, your guests can wear whatever they want, and even if she don’t feel that way, sending a message like that is so incredibly rude!

MindyStClaire · 17/05/2021 05:27

Yes I think it's a covid thing. She had her first baby and the end of her pregnancy at the height of the strictest lockdown. They probably told themselves they'd make up for it with a big first birthday party, and now can't do that either.

So they came up with a plan of a day of festivities, with everyone dropping by, party atmosphere but covid safe. And then people didn't make the same effort as they would've for a proper party, and so even their adapted plan didn't work the way they wanted. They thought it was obvious it was a party under different circumstances, you thought it was dropping off a gift.

Utterly batshit, but I can see how it's come about. I had a baby last summer and in online groups I've seen a lot of people struggling with the loss of baby showers, christenings etc, and just the general chance to show the baby off and have a fuss made.

If either of my friends of 30 years sent me that text I'd be a bit worried about them. But also struggle for the wording to check in because "... on the grounds of your bonkers message" probably wouldn't go down well. Grin

1AngelicFruitCake · 17/05/2021 05:51

Giving her the benefit of the doubt could it be that it’s been such a rubbish year, especially if you’ve had a baby. She was just feeling sensitive because she wasn’t able to have a proper party?

Feel embarrassed for her that she texted you! Nice of you to make the effort in the first place!

Mandalay246 · 17/05/2021 06:03

What a rude woman!! I wouldn't bother dropping off any presents in future if she is going to be both ungrateful and rude. Don't even reply and if she contacts you again ignore her - life is too short for this sort of rubbish.

Dita73 · 17/05/2021 06:09

If you are concerned about her you could just text back and say “are you feeling alright?” If she questions it you could say that her text seemed out of character. I’d still be mad though

Treemama · 17/05/2021 06:10

I've hosted many birthday parties for my dc pre-pandemic and if a guest had come wearing their training gear, it would not bother us in the slightest. We would be happy that they could join us and thankful for their kind gift.

nancywhitehead · 17/05/2021 06:44

"I wasn't going to say anything but...."

... So why DID you then? Confused

And yeah I agree with PP, she sounds absolutely bonkers. Lol.

Fieldsofstars · 17/05/2021 06:47

I’d text back and as politely as I could explain that she was in the wrong for saying that and asking if she is ok since you’ve been friends for so long and this is really unlike her.
I couldn’t let this drop, it’s the start of a slippery slope I think, especially since she’s been making comments too.

Fieldsofstars · 17/05/2021 06:49

I wouldn’t go to the bbq either to be honest. Until I received an apology.
Life is too short to be a doormat no matter how long you’ve been friends, if there’s no mutual respect the friendship is long gone.

EssentialHummus · 17/05/2021 06:54

Wow. It is bonkers but with a long friendship behind you I’d try not to go in all guns blazing. Either leave it a day and just text to ask if DD enjoyed her special day, or “Listen, I remember from my DD how big / important first birthdays seem at the time, but I don’t think it’s at all kind or appropriate to criticise what my DD was wearing yesterday. We wanted to see you, time was tight, so we called in on our way back from football. I hope your DD enjoyed her day and her new presents.”

Buby51 · 17/05/2021 06:55

Jeez! She sounds like a nightmare!

Eddielzzard · 17/05/2021 07:02

Don't respond. It's ridiculous. Better to pretend she never sent it. One day hopefully she'll wake up and smell the coffee.

TopBlogger · 17/05/2021 07:07

If you do respond, PLEASE dont use the word "Sorry" anywhere in the text. Even, "I'm sorry, but...." she will take that as a full apology.

I think the replies some PPs have said "You seem to have mis spelt thank you for the gift" or similar are spot on