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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends daughters 1st birthday

543 replies

namechangedforthis21 · 16/05/2021 21:26

It was my friends daughters 1st birthday yesterday. She had given everyone set time to show up for dropping off presents and to see her dd. My family was assigned 12-12:30 I text her during the week to say we would be there but would be slightly later as my dd football finished at 12. She changed the time to 12:30-1 which I said was no problem. After football we drove to her house and my dd was still in her football strip. Today she has texted me saying Hi I wasn't going to say anything as I didn't want to make you feel bad but I was very upset that ....... showed up to ..... 1st birthday party in her football strip given the fact I changed your time to accommodate her football. It would of been nice if you could have made an effort and got her changed into proper party attire.
I still haven't replied as I don't no what to say.
WIBU by not changing dd8 out of her football strip?

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 17/05/2021 09:52

Oh wow!

Don't apologise or get into explaining yourselves - you've done nothing wrong and she has been very rude.

I'd probably just ignore the message tbh

alpenguin · 17/05/2021 09:55

Respond with “you’re welcome”
And nothing more

cherrytreecottage · 17/05/2021 09:58

@Dita73

You’re a better person than me because if someone sent me that text I’d reply by saying “are you taking the piss?!” As for her BBQ I’d tell her to shove it up her arse sideways
Haha I was thinking the exact same thing!
Mummytemping · 17/05/2021 09:59

@namechangedforthis21

No mention of a party or anything I thought it was her way of limiting the numbers at her door. It was just a show up drop the present off and leave type thing. Yes this is her pfb. She has never been like this before her baby and that's why I wondered have I done something wrong. Although some of her comments since her dd was born have been batshit. No thank you just that message.
I think I’d write it off as a mummy being emotional about her child’s first birthday and a bit deranged from lack of normal human contact.

Personally I wouldn’t reply. She’ll no doubt feel very cringe about it when she looks back.

If I did reply, I’d say something kind as possible but also unapologetic.
E.g did xxx have a nice day? Lockdown birthdays are tough. I’m sure next year they’ll be lots of parties happening to make up for lost time.

skodadoda · 17/05/2021 10:03

I’d be inclined to see her face to face and say you were hurt by her attitude because you made the effort and felt unappreciated. For whose benefit was the party dress meant to be?

SVRT19674 · 17/05/2021 10:08

You´re being too passive. Sometimes friendships run their course. I would either not say anything or reply, "you´re welcome". And I would be otherwise engaged for said BBQ. I have a 2.5 year old and I hope my best friend called me out on this and told me how bonkers I sound before I embarrass myself any further.

Triffid1 · 17/05/2021 10:09

I think your planned response is excellent because it makes the point without being passive aggressive. I do find it funny that you didn't even get a piece of birthday cake and yet it is apparently a "party".

There have been some brilliant PFB threads on here in the past. Probably some in Classics. Perhaps when she starts to calm down, you can show them to her and suggest she adds some of her craziness!?

On plus side, this is my first genuine, "almost spat my tea out" Mumsnet moment, so thanks for that! Grin

grapewine · 17/05/2021 10:17

@HeadLikeAFuckinOrange

Sounds like she is struggling

Yes, with reality

😂😂

She does need a reality check, OP?

"What party?"

I actually think she's a cheeky fucker allotting you all timeslots for gift drop off. It's greedy in my book.

moovinon · 17/05/2021 10:23

Wow. What a twat.

I think I would probably consider ditching her as a friend if she feels something like that is so important. How fucking ridiculous of her.

I can't believe she actually pulled you up on it. What a cow

Bluedeblue · 17/05/2021 10:25

In reality I wouldn't reply to this message at all, and I'd also drop the friendship. Se has basically issued you with a summons to go to her house with a gift, and than has the bare faced cheek to send that message. She indeed is Amanda from Motherland, and if you reply to this you may as well be Anne.

I spent my 20's, 30's and 40's caring what other women thought of me, and tying myself in knots to say or do the right thing. It's so not worth it. Now at 51, honestly, I would ignore her and never reply to another message. Cheeky bastard that she is.

diddl · 17/05/2021 10:26

"She had given everyone set time to show up for dropping off presents and to see her dd."

GrinGrinGrin

What's batshit (imo) is that people did this rather than tell her not to be so daft & they'd just drop a pressie off when they chose to.

The honour of being granted half an hour's audience with a 1yr old on her birthday!GrinGrinGrin

echt · 17/05/2021 10:26

Fuck me. Am so glad that my DD and all her age group friends' 1-year parties were thinly-disguised excuses for parents to meet and get gently pissed. Presents were not requested and those that were given, thanked, and immediately put in a bin bag so as not to excite the toddlers.

OP, your friend is beyond fucking rude to even to express an expectation of presents, never mind structure her non-event around them . They should always appear to be a surprise. < Even when we know they'll turn up>

Notaroadrunner · 17/05/2021 10:27

Did you tell her you had a present to drop off? Or is she just a grabby cow who sent texts to family and friends with the assumption that everyone would be buying gifts? She needs to be called out for her rude behaviour. Just text 'You're welcome for the gift for X - hope she enjoys it'.

moovinon · 17/05/2021 10:27

Definitely do not message to say you were unaware it was a party etc. That makes it look like you were in the wrong when you absolutely weren't.

I am an incredibly passive person, and even I would bite at this.

Hankunamatata · 17/05/2021 10:30

Please tell.us the other batshit crazy things she has done

commatose · 17/05/2021 10:35

Well, if lockdown gave us something it's the evolution of click & collect birthday parties.

Menoismymate · 17/05/2021 10:40

What a lunatic! Text her back and tell her you were providing a sporting role model for her DD...

MrsMariaReynolds · 17/05/2021 10:45

She sounds like HARD work. Is it even worth maintaining this friendship?

MaggieFS · 17/05/2021 10:57

Probably best to ignore it. But I'd be tempted to send:

'What's the dress code for the BBQ, I don't want to get that wrong. P.S. you're welcome for the gift.'

Nonmaquillee · 17/05/2021 11:07

That's just the most bonkers PFB behaviour I have ever heard. She's more concerned about how her life looks on SM than anything else.

This would be a deal breaker in terms of friendship for me. I couldn't relate to it on any level.

GingerScallop · 17/05/2021 11:22

Wow. The trauma you caused your friend and her DD will mean life long therapy now.

In all seriousness, this is the definition of going off the rails. Since she is a life long friend give her a chance but I hope you can calmly discuss the batshittery of this one day face-to-face. If she keeps going like this, you may have to consider that the friendship is past it's BB date. As for the barbecue, I agree with DH suit and bowtie for him, slinky dress, jewellery and professional makeup for you. Hire a limo too. That should tell her you made the effort (except she will probably text that you upstaged her)

UnlimitedChipsAndSalsa · 17/05/2021 11:35

@Dustyhedge

It might be tempted to send something along the lines of ‘I realise it just have been disappointing not to have had the party as planned but glad you got to see people and hope you all had a lovely day. I was a bit confused by your message. Are you ok?

She was incredibly rude but if that was out of character I’d be worried about whether she is experiencing anxiety.

I like this wording. It is a kind interpretation (assuming the text is coming from disappointment not rudeness, though I do think your friend has been incredibly rude). I'd probably add "had a lovely day and that dd enjoyed her gift". It would give her the chance to snap out of it, reach out for help, or double-down on her pfb behaviour.
Frazzled2207 · 17/05/2021 11:35

She sounds completely bananas/batshit/bonkers

In her defence I do think baby sleep deprivation can send you a bit this way. But I suspect she will think back on this and cringe in years to come.

Frazzled2207 · 17/05/2021 11:36

@commatose

Well, if lockdown gave us something it's the evolution of click & collect birthday parties.
LOL!! That's one way of looking at it
HarebrightCedarmoon · 17/05/2021 11:41

Instead of tit for tat texts I'd give her a call and ask her if she's ok, and let her know that clearly she has such sleep deprivation/covid anxiety that it is making her highly unreasonable and rude.