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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate my Mother

117 replies

blaisealex · 16/05/2021 21:18

Where to even begin. I could sit here and list all the horrible things she has said and done but it would take me hours and hours.

I do love her but honestly, I utterly loathe her.

Most recent things include screaming down the phone at me for 45 minutes and telling me how cross she is and how when things are going well, I always have to ruin it by doing something horrible. What did I do? I dyed my hair.

She actively tries to demonize my hobby. I'll show her something related to my hobby, something I've spent time creating and she won't utter a single word of praise. Instead, she'll look for reasons to make out my hobby is no good for me.

She spent half an hour tonight slagging off not living room decor. I've been told many times that she hates it, hates coming around because it's so awful, etc.

She'll say mean things about my appearance and weight and then the following day she will bring me donuts, chocolates, etc.

She has a close relationship with my DD (3 years), but I worry that eventually, she'll treat DD how she treats me.

My DH hates her and cant understand how I tolerate it.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wanted to get it all out. DD and I are staying with DM for a week from tomorrow due to renovations. I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
Userg1234 · 16/05/2021 21:21

Why do you put up with it. She isn't a nice person. I have no one from my family in my life and it's great

pepsicolagirl · 16/05/2021 21:22

I think you need to be very careful about how much time your young child spends alone with this person.

It is difficult when it's your mum but please protect yourself - this is clearly more about her than you but her instability is neither your fault nor your responsibility to fix.

flapjackfairy · 16/05/2021 21:23

Book into to a hotel. You have to prioritise your dd. You will regret exposing her to your mothers bile so do her a favour and keep her away from her.
You dont owe your mother any more chances. There is a reason she has no.one . It is not your fault . So I agree with your husband. Let your mother lie in the bed she has made for herself.

RandomMess · 16/05/2021 21:24

I wouldn't let her into your home. Go to hers and as soon as she starts leave or if on the phone say goodbye and hang up.

I have a friend who has trained her Mum into better behaviour with these techniques.

Workingfromhomeishell · 16/05/2021 21:27

From the little information provided she sounds awful. I wouldn't maintain a relationship with her.

Original poster
blaisealex · 16/05/2021 21:27

@RandomMess

I wouldn't let her into your home. Go to hers and as soon as she starts leave or if on the phone say goodbye and hang up.

I have a friend who has trained her Mum into better behaviour with these techniques.

I stood up to her once when she was at my house. She was being vile about something and I told her if she didn't like it she could leave. So she did. She just walked out. But was horrible and wouldn't speak to me afterwards until I had apologised. She twists it to make out it's me and I'm the one who has to apologise. I'm the vile, spoilt child.
OP posts:
pepsicolagirl · 16/05/2021 21:28

You say without you she would be alone. Take a minute to think about why that is.

I'm really sorry your Mum is less than you deserve. It's a lot to deal with. It might be a good idea to speak with someone like a counsellor. Willing to bet you have some stuff to work through and that would be completely understandable.

Imagine saying what she says to you, to your daughter.

StoneofDestiny · 16/05/2021 21:29

Crikey - don't let her into your home and don't visit her. If she calls and is abusive just say 'I'm not listening to your abuse' and put the phone down. Do this all the time.
Book into a hotel - don't go to her home. Your child should not witness this abuse.

StoneofDestiny · 16/05/2021 21:31

wouldn't speak to me afterwards until I had apologised. She twists it

There you have it! She is manipulating you and you are allowing it by doing her will. You need to toughen up.

Original poster
blaisealex · 16/05/2021 21:31

@Userg1234

Why do you put up with it. She isn't a nice person. I have no one from my family in my life and it's great
Honestly? I put up with it because she's been manipulating me since I was a child. And controlling me. And if I turned my back on her, I'd spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and evil. Because that's what she wants me to feel. Because she has been in my head for so long. Moulding me. Twisting me. And utterly awfully, if I imagine a scenario in which she passed away, secretly, I'd feel relieved and free.
OP posts:
Original poster
blaisealex · 16/05/2021 21:33

By that, I mean, only upon her death will I finally be free of it.

OP posts:
Coldwine75 · 16/05/2021 21:34

Please don't put up with this, this will grind you down. Whatever you.do dont stay for a week, what if your dd hears how she speaks to you anyway? My Dh had a mother like that, he cut contact years ago and never looked back. It might take that for her to realise.

Chiwi · 16/05/2021 21:35

No advice. And I don't think mine is even as bad as yours, mine doesn't routinely shout at me.
But I too have a mean, negative and critical mother, who loves my daughter.
It's hard and getting harder, so just some solidarity. I honestly don't know how I came from her, her view of the world and other people is so bizarre and negative.

RandomMess · 16/05/2021 21:38

So next time don't apologise??

Whysolong7 · 16/05/2021 21:44

OP this is awful - perhaps counselling would help you work through the blocker you have with leaving this relationship which I think you know you have to do.

It’s emotion abuse. You shouldn’t feel guilty about drawing some boundaries to the relationship you have with her. If you are all she has she should be more careful with how she behaves.

I would really re think the amount of unsupervised time your children speaks with her. And tell her why.

She can come round when she behaves appropriately otherwise you will ask her to leave / hang up the phone.

Suggest she has counselling herself to understand why she behaves like this.

You need an adult reaction to this, not the one you had when you were a child.

Ofallthebarsinalltheworld · 16/05/2021 21:46

Sending you hugs and 💐 OP. It took me nearly 40 years of putting up with my mum who treated me like you have described (amongst a horrible childhood) and then she started the same with my DC. I've not spoken or seen to her for years now. It was a hard thing to do and I went through a few years of grief afterwards but it was the best thing I've ever done my mental health is so much better not to mention my self esteem.

I really hope you are ok and only you can do what's right for your situation/life. Sending you hugs and strength 💖

Giantrooster · 16/05/2021 21:49

You need to realize deep down, you are a grown up. YOU can make choices and set boundaries about how others treat you. Take baby steps practicing this and don't apologize.

Therapy if you can afford it, otherwise google and mn for advice and practice putting in boundaries.

Kendodd · 16/05/2021 21:51

I get you OP. I have a mother I dislike as well.
I know my life would be much happier if I never saw her again.
But the guilt! The guilt won't let me.

IsThePopeCatholic · 16/05/2021 21:51

Sometimes it’s just best to turn your back on destructive relationships . Even though she’s your mum, she isn’t behaving like a proper mum. Find a good counsellor and set yourself free.

Polkadots2021 · 16/05/2021 21:54

Your DD has to go through what you did - time to break the cycle and stop the abuse, because noone could stop it happening from you, but you can stop it happening to your DD. Imagine she's you - right now you can choose a different future for her, or the one you went through. It's not healthy for her to see someone constantly abusing you - it'll mess up the notion of healthy boundaries for her in her own life.

Sorry your mum is so vile - but just because she's related to you doesn't give her any rights over you. You've done more than enough for her. You only have one life and to be blunt it's being wasted by putting yourself through this in perpetuity.

Lou197 · 16/05/2021 21:57

My mother is like this. Look up Narcissistic personality disorder and get some counselling. It really helped me, I could not go on.

L0bstersLass · 16/05/2021 21:57

How old is she? What is her health like?

WhatMattersMost · 16/05/2021 21:58

I think you need therapy to deal with your feelings of guilt towards a woman who is quite obviously abusive.

DissociativeBitch · 16/05/2021 22:00

Get yourself into therapy ASAP!
Then cut ties with her, she is not good for you or your daughter who she will poison too.

Happylittlethoughts · 16/05/2021 22:01

You are in an abusive relationship(just with a parent instead of a partner) and they are not simple to leave. I'd look at resources to support you leaving this relationship with your Mum. You can get support for your feelings afterwards. You can be free and happy. It is possible.

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