I hate my Mother

[blaisealex]

Where to even begin. I could sit here and list all the horrible things she has said and done but it would take me hours and hours.

I do love her but honestly, I utterly loathe her.

Most recent things include screaming down the phone at me for 45 minutes and telling me how cross she is and how when things are going well, I always have to ruin it by doing something horrible. What did I do? I dyed my hair.

She actively tries to demonize my hobby. I'll show her something related to my hobby, something I've spent time creating and she won't utter a single word of praise. Instead, she'll look for reasons to make out my hobby is no good for me.

She spent half an hour tonight slagging off not living room decor. I've been told many times that she hates it, hates coming around because it's so awful, etc.

She'll say mean things about my appearance and weight and then the following day she will bring me donuts, chocolates, etc.

She has a close relationship with my DD (3 years), but I worry that eventually, she'll treat DD how she treats me.

My DH hates her and cant understand how I tolerate it.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wanted to get it all out. DD and I are staying with DM for a week from tomorrow due to renovations. I'm dreading it.

@L0bstersLass

How old is she? What is her health like?

She's only in her fifties. Heavy smoker and functioning alcoholic. But appears in good health despite that.

Time to put your feelings aside, and put you DD first.

Cut her off, unless she proves she has changed. Then every single time she is negative, put your DD first and cut her off.

Like a toddler, you have to put her in time put until she learns that her behaviour is not acceptable.

DO NOT APOLOGISE FGS! Grow a backbone for your dds sake, or you will be allowing your M to poison her as she gets older.

Time out not time put

@Lou197

My mother is like this. Look up Narcissistic personality disorder and get some counselling. It really helped me, I could not go on.

I'm convinced she has it. The symptoms fit her 10000%.

You are absolutely suffocating in the FOG.

We are all she has.

That's her fault.

Without us, she will have no one.

Oh well. You reap what you sow.

And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

You aren't responsible for how she feels or deals with anything.

Set yourself free from this utter misery, before she starts going after your child.

And if I turned my back on her, I'd spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and evil. Because that's what she wants me to feel.

You are in a truly awful situation - either go LC/NC, or continue being abused (and having your own child witness this). This is why you need to seek counselling help to explore the best option for you. Look for your local IAPT service for free access. And take a moment to consider that - this is about what is best for YOU. Her feelings, choices and behaviours are hers to manage, not yours. Just because you have spent your life living in her twisted reality does not mean you have to continue to do so. Yes, if you take action she will not be happy (you are taking away her dumping ground for all her bad feeling) but you have a chance to repair your damaged sense of yourself. You also mention that you are afraid she will do this to your daughter in time- she already is. At 3 your daughter will not see herself as truly separate for you. So if she sees you being abused it will damaging her.

You may be able to find a way to use the ideas from other posters to set limits with her and she may get the picture (I had to do this with my parents). I hope so. But you also need to stop seeing yourself as the victim here - yes her behaviour is truly appalling, but you have the power to set limits, put the phone down, leave or not let her in to your house. So she may hate you - why value to opinion of someone who can scream at you about hair dye? I am sorry if that sounds harsh - but this is what happens to victims of abuse - as long as the abusers can keep the other person in the victim role, they get to continue their abuse.

I wish you all the best with this. Thank goodness you have a supportive DH who sees how awful this is.

id second what @Userg1234 said...i also have no family in my life&for the last25 yrs..i honestly dont know why people persist in such masochistic relationships,using the line"its family/im all theyve got" isnt a free pass for abuse! Seek professional help if needed to give you the self worth to distance &disconnect from people like this&do not give this woman access to your daughter.

Have you looked up the daughters of narcissists website?

You will gain nothing by bothering with her.

Honestly? I put up with it because she's been manipulating me since I was a child. And controlling me. And if I turned my back on her, I'd spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and evil. Because that's what she wants me to feel. Because she has been in my head for so long. Moulding me. Twisting me. And utterly awfully, if I imagine a scenario in which she passed away, secretly, I'd feel relieved and free.

Surely you’d rather deal with the guilt, than your daughter be affected though?

I can’t believe you are actually taking your daughter to stay at your mum’s house for a week.

You really need counselling because it is one thing to continue allowing yourself to be abused; but it is another to expose your child to it.

You are a mother now and your responsibility is to your daughter and to be the best parent you can to her. You are not responsible for your mum.

I don’t know how your husband tolerates your mum in his home and around his child.

I really feel for you Op! I highly recommend some therapy (perhaps you can get some free through your work EAP?)
My mum is a bad person too. As a child she used to refuse to go on holiday when we were about to leave and sit in the chair until we begged, crying.
One of my strongest childhood memories.
As a 16yo she called me a slut when I told her I was on the pill (I was an A* student)
And recently, after two losses, I told her I was pregnant and she said “well I was wondering when you were gonna tell me - you’ve kept it from me long enough; I knew you were pregnant at Christmas” (I wasn’t! And we only FaceTimed, so how she ‘knew’ ???)
I want to walk away, but how, practically, does one do that?
Miss the calls and don’t return them? Have a big blow up argument and that’s the end of that?

This is what I’m struggling with. Step by step how might we end it?

The guilt may pass...

Don't announce you're going no contact.

Just say ''goodbye now'' when she starts ranting down the phone at you. Take longer to respond. If you normally respond immediately do this gradually so that she doesn't have anything to react to.

Put yourself on project distance.

I've been in therapy since july 2020 becuase of my mother. We are not quite nc but almost.

Ah OP I'm so sorry. From the outside it's easy to see how fucked up this is. I have conservative parents. I dyed my hair pink. They smiled and didn't mention it when someone else pointed it out. Because they recognise that although they hated it, it's not their decision, its nothing to do with them, and it doesn't affect them (although I know in my mums head it reflects on her and she is worried it will somehow reflect on her etc). Unless you dyed 'fuck off mum' into your hair, I think a response shouting at you is massively disproportionate.

I know it's hard for people who have been brought up in a family that has got on to relate to different types of families. But your OP relates to her. What if you stopped talking to her - you are all she has, she would be devastated etc.

From an outside perspective, she is the one being shit, and so she has to bear the consequences. What about your feelings? No one deserves a load of shit for looking a certain way or decorating a certain way. And yea you would feel guilty for cutting contact...but you also deserve to be able to do normal things without a load of shit.

Just googled Narcissistic personality disorder. Its Donald Trump!

Just read that your mother is in her fifties!

I'm in my fifties (well, 50) and my mother is 76 so deal with this now. Psychotherapy has been great.
I really recommend as well Chris Germer meditations for self-compassion, also Jay Reid and Patrick Teahan on youtube, they both really understand narcissistic parents. There's a lot about narcs on line but it's mostly focused on narc partners. Please check out Jay Reid and Patrick Teahan. x

I stood up to her once when she was at my house. She was being vile about something and I told her if she didn't like it she could leave. So she did. She just walked out. But was horrible and wouldn't speak to me afterwards until I had apologised

I wouldn't have apologised. I'd have been relieved to be honest.

Be wary of what maintaining contact with her is teaching your DD.

She's only in her fifties. Heavy smoker and functioning alcoholic. But appears in good health despite that

@blaisealex - Ah, then I'm afraid that you are likely going to need some coping strategies for this and I suggest you get professional help. The guilt will eat away at you otherwise, it shouldn't as you've nothing to feel guilty about, but it will. Please protect your daughter from being exposed to such manipulative, nasty behaviour.

I wish you all the very best.

I used to do that until fairly recently. My mother would be so astonishingly inconsiderate. I'd be hurt. I'd tell her. She'd be the martyr and go frosty and silent on me. I'd try to explain my pov but she'd stonewall me and then accuse me of getting angry! Then after months and months and months of us not speaking I"d go back to her and .... apologise, just to put an end to it.

But this last time, I did not do that. I just cannot. Don't leave it as long as I did OP.

Now my mother uses the ''but I'm old, you're strong'' ticket on me as though that is carte blanche to hurt me

My DD adores her. Literally, my DM is DDs favourite person. And I find it so unsettling. I really want to put some distance between them.

If you hate her stay away from her.

So, what I mean is, you have to make a stand now OP.

Do put distance between them!

She may love your DD but she doesn't have any automatic right to see her.

Limit contact between you both and get yourself some therapy. The right therapist will help you a lot.

The fact she has made herself your DD’s favourite person is another way she is manipulating and controlling you.

I wish you well OP. Everyone on here has good advice. Book that hotel and book some counseling and don’t look back.

It's just so difficult because I know me and DD are her world. She is so awful to me sometimes but we are also the only things she cares about. And sometimes she can even be lovely. She's helped me out financially too which adds to the guilt. I also owe her 600 quid.

Honestly? I put up with it because she's been manipulating me since I was a child. And controlling me. And if I turned my back on her, I'd spend the rest of my life feeling guilty and evil

So the alternative is to spend the rest of your life bring controlled, manipulated and hurt? I don't mean to sound harsh as that would be your choice but it is not your DDs choice is it, no matter how much she "adores" your Mum you can guarantee she will be damaged by her as gets older.