I hate my Mother

[blaisealex]

Where to even begin. I could sit here and list all the horrible things she has said and done but it would take me hours and hours.

I do love her but honestly, I utterly loathe her.

Most recent things include screaming down the phone at me for 45 minutes and telling me how cross she is and how when things are going well, I always have to ruin it by doing something horrible. What did I do? I dyed my hair.

She actively tries to demonize my hobby. I'll show her something related to my hobby, something I've spent time creating and she won't utter a single word of praise. Instead, she'll look for reasons to make out my hobby is no good for me.

She spent half an hour tonight slagging off not living room decor. I've been told many times that she hates it, hates coming around because it's so awful, etc.

She'll say mean things about my appearance and weight and then the following day she will bring me donuts, chocolates, etc.

She has a close relationship with my DD (3 years), but I worry that eventually, she'll treat DD how she treats me.

My DH hates her and cant understand how I tolerate it.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wanted to get it all out. DD and I are staying with DM for a week from tomorrow due to renovations. I'm dreading it.

@JustJoinedRightNow

The fact she has made herself your DD’s favourite person is another way she is manipulating and controlling you.

I wish you well OP. Everyone on here has good advice. Book that hotel and book some counseling and don’t look back.

It's really scary the level of control she already has over DD. Literally, DD is obsessed with her and thinks she's the most amazing thing ever.

In that case OP, cast your mind further to the future when your daughter is older and can make her own decisions. Don’t you think your mum will be actively trying to drive a wedge between you and your DD,

You have the power to stop this now. Seriously. It will be for your own good, and you really need counseling to help you through this. You can’t do it alone.

Best of luck

It’s so difficult when it’s your own parent but you need to start letting her know her behaviour is unacceptable. Chances are she has no idea that there is anything wrong with her behaviour because she’s gotten away with it all her life.

If she’s having a go about your hair - say it is really rude that you would say that to me and it’s honestly nothing to do with you how I like my hair because I like it.

OP - if you want to spend the rest of your life putting up with this and even watch your daughter put up with it too (one day it will happen), then do nothing

If you want free of it take the good advice you have on here and stop making excuses.

I know someone in your situation with a daughter ten years older - her mum has ended up living with them. She is a nightmare and she manipulates her DD and makes my friends life a misery. You don’t owe your mother anything - she is an adult and is responsible for the mess she has made with her relationship with you. She sounds awful - ignore the guilt tripping as the childish behaviour it is and limit her visits to once a week and tell her it will be less if she continues. Trust me you are protecting your daughter from her.

Book the hotel - she will cause all sorts of trouble in a week with you and your DD.

@blaisealex

It's just so difficult because I know me and DD are her world. She is so awful to me sometimes but we are also the only things she cares about. And sometimes she can even be lovely. She's helped me out financially too which adds to the guilt. I also owe her 600 quid.

You are her world because you are the only ones she can manipulate to put up with her horrible behaviour. She cares about you? No, she doesnt. She cares about herself or she would not be so nasty. Pay her back and start setting limits with her. Get professional help to manage your feelings about what you have to do to protect yourself.

Why would you want an abusive functioning alcoholic around your child. Cut all ties. There's nothing to feel guilty about

There is every chance your daughter is so smitten with your mother because she sees the way she treats you and already, on a sun conscious level, she is trying to curry favour and make sure she is in the good books and looked upon as a favourite. After all, she sees first hand how her own mother is treated and doesn't want to be on the receiving end herself.

Op, how will you feel when your mothers voice and words come spilling out of your daughters mouth and are directed at you? Because if your daughter doesn't become her victim, it's very likely that she will (at least occasionally) join in with your mother as she fears facing her wrath.

Your daughter is at an incredibly venerable age. This is where the people that have influence over her developing behaviour patterns need to model good behaviour that will result in long term happiness. But your daughters favourite person is an abuser. Can you really not see how that could go wrong?

And the clarify, I was raised by a mother with NPD. I am bipolar and my psychotherapist and psychiatrist feel that it's her treatment that has led to a huge amount of my issues. These issues have affected my own children. I know how hard it is and the damage that people like this can cause.

“We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.”
You are not responsible for her.
If she has no-one, it’s her own doing.
Your DP gets it.
If she hated you forever, what difference would it make to you? She already acts like she hates you.
This toxic relationship will at some point start to hurt your child. You can stop it.
Yes you might feel guilty about cutting her off, but the feeling of freedom and relief will be stronger than the guilt.

My mother used to do that feeder trick to me.

Put me down then Placate with food. Because that’s what she did. My gran and siblings try to do the same.

She was trying to make me fat. How do I know? She hated it whenever o lost weight. Loved that I was heavier than her.

What im trying to say OP is women like this are not worth your time or energy and it is OK to let them go.

They’re not your responsibility, not beneficial to your mental well-being, you don’t owe them anything.

It’s hard but it is worth it.

Everything she does is to manipulate you. She uses DD to manipulate you. The only thing in her life is herself.

I can't afford a hotel stay this week so I'll have to endure Mon to Fri at DMs. But afterwards I'm going to try and reduce contact and go LC to start with.

Does she speak to you this way when your husband is around? What's she like towards him?

Right , think how bad you feel, think how much you love your dd, - would you ever behave like that to her? Logically you know what you must do, separate yourself from her, your dd is only young, she'll accept whatever you say. Your DH sounds as though he will be on board with this

OP, What are the dynamics between your mother, yourself and your DD?
Does your mother interfere with your parenting of DD?
Does your mother treat you badly in front of your DD?
What do you think your DD is thinking when your mother is screaming at you in front of her?
Please think about what your daughter is learning when she sees you tolerating someone who should love you, treating you so poorly.

Why do you let her scream at you for 45 minutes? Why not tell her you aren't going to put up with it and cut the call, immediately followed by blocking her?

FIRM BOUNDARIES
NEVER BACK DOWN
NEVER APOLOGISE OR EXPLAIN
^that's you by the way... you have to start doing those things

So let me be the MNer to suggest the Stately Homes thread on here to you. And the Out of The FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) website/forum. Lots of practical advice from smart caring people.

One thing I’d add to this excellent thread is that looking into the future right now (‘she’ll hate me forever’ ‘I’ll feel guilty forever’) is just not logical. Once your eyes are opened to the inequities of the relationship, the dangers to your kid and the opportunities you have for far better mental health, the future reshapes itself. I promise.

Things that seem impossible now, will be actually so easy you don’t even think about them. Like any new skill, it’s hard to imagine being ‘great’ at something in the future. But you will be. The Grey Rock technique (a common skill for your situation) is stressful the first time you practice it on someone, and then the 400th time it’s just automatic.

Get a counsellor and start the process, you soon won’t know yourself and the freedom you feel.

That's horrible for you OP. Been there. The mixed messages, sheer venom & constant belittling are soul destroying. Quite often a tinkly laugh & what are you like stopped her in her tracks. Each time you show you're hurt is a mini victory for them, so by laughing you are changing the power dynamic . Then I'd change the subject & move on. I also stoped showing or telling her stuff. There was no point as I already knew the reaction would be nasty . You can limit the ammunition you give her. Just ask about her/make it all about her because she's prob a narcissist too like my DM was. Or go low contact if you can't face cutting ties totally.. I went no contact & have no regrets after she really went there & crossed a line there was no coming back from. Oh & the answer to her screeching about your decor is "oh well I guess we will not see so much of you then. Now, about ...( Insert subject)"

You don't have to put up with her behaviour you've had more than enough of her to deal with it.

Why are you letting her near your daughter?

You need to prioritise yourself and think about counselling as your DM is abusive to you. This is not right and you need to see that this is abusive behaviour.

You need to protect your DD from this behaviour because your DM could turn her attention from you to your DD. Think about that and get help to break free from your DM's hold over you.

Finally just because someone is family doesn't mean that you have to put up with this. You only get one life and it should not be filled with unkind words.

@Lisyloo725

I really feel for you Op! I highly recommend some therapy (perhaps you can get some free through your work EAP?) My mum is a bad person too. As a child she used to refuse to go on holiday when we were about to leave and sit in the chair until we begged, crying. One of my strongest childhood memories. As a 16yo she called me a slut when I told her I was on the pill (I was an A* student) And recently, after two losses, I told her I was pregnant and she said “well I was wondering when you were gonna tell me - you’ve kept it from me long enough; I knew you were pregnant at Christmas” (I wasn’t! And we only FaceTimed, so how she ‘knew’ ???) I want to walk away, but how, practically, does one do that? Miss the calls and don’t return them? Have a big blow up argument and that’s the end of that?

This is what I’m struggling with. Step by step how might we end it?

Step-by-step how might we end it...

Option 1:

The next time she does something abusive you calmly say

"I will not be spoken to like that. It's not acceptable adult behaviour to shout/scream/call me names/criticise me in that way. If you do it again I will be cutting contact with you. This isn't an empty threat so bear that in mind when choosing your words in the future"

When she does it again

"As I said, I am no longer willing to accept this abusive behaviour from you so I am now cutting contact"

Block her on everything. Don't return any calls/contact.

Option 2:

Realise that you don't need to do Option 1 because you've already had a lifetime of abuse. Write and post a letter explaining that you've come to realise that her behaviour (with examples) is abusive. That you love her but love yourself more and no longer want to be part of such an unhealthy dynamic, wish her well but ask her not to contact you again and explain that you won't be responding to any attempts to contact you.

Block her on everything. Ignore any attempts to contact.

I mean you don't 'owe her' a letter at all and could just cut contact today but it seems reasonable to provide an explanation first.