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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I hate my Mother

117 replies

blaisealex · 16/05/2021 21:18

Where to even begin. I could sit here and list all the horrible things she has said and done but it would take me hours and hours.

I do love her but honestly, I utterly loathe her.

Most recent things include screaming down the phone at me for 45 minutes and telling me how cross she is and how when things are going well, I always have to ruin it by doing something horrible. What did I do? I dyed my hair.

She actively tries to demonize my hobby. I'll show her something related to my hobby, something I've spent time creating and she won't utter a single word of praise. Instead, she'll look for reasons to make out my hobby is no good for me.

She spent half an hour tonight slagging off not living room decor. I've been told many times that she hates it, hates coming around because it's so awful, etc.

She'll say mean things about my appearance and weight and then the following day she will bring me donuts, chocolates, etc.

She has a close relationship with my DD (3 years), but I worry that eventually, she'll treat DD how she treats me.

My DH hates her and cant understand how I tolerate it.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wanted to get it all out. DD and I are staying with DM for a week from tomorrow due to renovations. I'm dreading it.

OP posts:
wheresmymojo · 17/05/2021 09:44

These books are also worth reading in addition to the one posted above

I hate my Mother
I hate my Mother
EmeraldShamrock · 17/05/2021 09:45

So let me be the MNer to suggest the Stately Homes thread on here to you.
I agree. It's a no judgement very supportive thread invaluable to people in your position. Flowers

justanotherneighinparadise · 17/05/2021 09:46

@blaisealex

Where to even begin. I could sit here and list all the horrible things she has said and done but it would take me hours and hours.

I do love her but honestly, I utterly loathe her.

Most recent things include screaming down the phone at me for 45 minutes and telling me how cross she is and how when things are going well, I always have to ruin it by doing something horrible. What did I do? I dyed my hair.

She actively tries to demonize my hobby. I'll show her something related to my hobby, something I've spent time creating and she won't utter a single word of praise. Instead, she'll look for reasons to make out my hobby is no good for me.

She spent half an hour tonight slagging off not living room decor. I've been told many times that she hates it, hates coming around because it's so awful, etc.

She'll say mean things about my appearance and weight and then the following day she will bring me donuts, chocolates, etc.

She has a close relationship with my DD (3 years), but I worry that eventually, she'll treat DD how she treats me.

My DH hates her and cant understand how I tolerate it.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wanted to get it all out. DD and I are staying with DM for a week from tomorrow due to renovations. I'm dreading it.

I must have a core of ice as I’d go NC with her in the time it took me to delete every contact detail of her and bolt the door. There is no way in hell I’d let someone that toxic stay in my life unless there was a diagnosed mental health condition.
Hoppinggreen · 17/05/2021 09:49

Why do you love her? Do you really or are you stuck in FOG?
And protect your child from her, she WILL turn on her too at some point

I just dont understand why you keep exposing yourself to her poison and then are surprised when she acts like she always has.

Sparklfairy · 17/05/2021 09:53

It's codependency OP. You feel guilty and obligated to her because 'she has no one else', and tell yourself that is the reason you don't step back/go NC, whereas in reality you desperately seek her approval and have a dim hope that one day she'll change. Then she tramples all over you again and you're left picking up the pieces until next time.

I started getting sharp with mine. Every time she was a cunt, I simply told her so. She of course became mortally offended, and I shrugged and said, 'don't act like a cunt then'.

We went a short period of NC because I drew my line in the sand and refused to let her cross it. Then she came back after a while and I keep her at arm's length to some extent, but she knows what she can and can't say/do now. To the outside world we have a very good relationship, but I know deep down that basically I 'manage' her behaviour artificially.

nanbread · 17/05/2021 10:02

Personally I'd cut contact. Your DD will be FINE without her I promise. So many DC grow up without GPs in their life.

Whether you cut contact or not, PLEASE seek out some good counselling. You are very caught in the FOG and desperate to please her and seek her approval, which is literally impossible as she will never give it.

She already acts like she hates you tbh, so if you cut contact and she "hates you forever" what difference would it make.

prettybird · 17/05/2021 10:18

Have a read of "Toxic Parents" - it will explain the FOG that you are feeling and strategies to address that.

My MIL was toxic and it took dh until his late 50s (and a breakdown) to realise just how completely toxic she had been emotionally (and only after she died 18 months ago did he find out from his understandably estranged older sister that she'd also been physically abusive when he was very small Shock - but he'd seen her "heavy hand" and the belt as normal Sad) and he's been seeing a counsellor now for 4 years.

We'd made a conscious decision - even more we'd explicitly recognised her toxicity - to minimise ds' contact with her (he's now a well-adjusted 20 year old). We were "low contact" for most of the last 20 years - only deliberately so for the last 8 of her life but in practice for years before that.

In contrast, we enjoyed spending time with my parents Smile

It took me a long time to realise that dh's experience of "family" and my experience of a loving family explained our different approaches to family life: in particular my desire to recreate happy memories and his apparent lack of desire to do certain things "as a family" Confused

I hope you find the strength to reduce or address the negativity that she brings into your life Thanks

Miasicarisatia · 17/05/2021 11:48

I will not be spoken to like that. It's not acceptable adult behaviour to shout/scream/call me names/criticise me in that way. If you do it again I will be cutting contact with you. This isn't an empty threat so bear that in mind when choosing your words in the future
In my view this approache is too polite and deferential, just cut them dead, they don't deserve the courtesy of an explanation!

Mary46 · 17/05/2021 12:09

Mine can be horrible too. What age? I do minimal now find it hard work going over there. Mine not used to word no if she told it.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2021 12:10

You need to get counselling and you need to unpick what you think 'love' is, because you don't have to love a parent. Especially one as unlovable as her

trixies · 17/05/2021 12:45

Been NC with my parents for 10 months. It's been incredibly difficult, I'm not going to lie, but- your life is for you to live. You can't live it for anyone else. If you're all your mother has, then she needs to expand her circle. If she'll hate you for turning your back, then perhaps she should've thought about that before treating you like this for so long.

You are not obliged to keep a person in your life because they gave birth to you. You are worth more than being treated like this. Dreading spending time with the person is a major red flag for me. It's OK to want more for yourself.

(One tip - don't do what I did and offer resolution family counselling. It made everything so much more complicated for me, as the counsellor thought both my parents were wonderful. Took me an additional 18 months to work through that, and still haunts me now when I think about my decision. Even though I know it was the right one. Go with your instinct, is my point.)

MenaiMna · 17/05/2021 13:03

Like others have said, you are in the FOG. If you're not willing to cut her off then start trying with a toddler style "timeout". But you must be specific that that is what you are doing. Set the time limit (three weeks, three months, three years- how peaceful do you want it?) and block until limit is gone. If first communication after timeout is apology and change maybe give her small visits to her house and walk out if behaviour deteriorates.
Really encouraging that you realise you let her do this because she's programmed it in you- that's a really good start.

And when you wonder
"But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her."
She's acting like she hates you already so you have nothing to lose except her abuse. Which (abuse) you and your family do not deserve and should not suffer!!

Bagelsandbrie · 17/05/2021 13:08

I haven’t read all the replies but Christ this could have been my mother. Down to the favouring dd and the alcoholism etc. Just cut her off. Honestly. She’s a spiteful witch and doesn’t deserve you and she’s using your dd to hold power over you. My mum did exactly the same thing. She died in 2019 and honestly the sense of relief is immense. The only problem I have now is that I let dds relationship with her go on so long dd thinks the sun shone out of her arse.

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 17/05/2021 13:11

′′Let go the people who are not prepared to love you. This is the hardest thing you will have to do in your life and it will also be the most important thing. Stop having hard conversations with people who don't want change.

Stop showing up for people who have no interest in your presence. I know your instinct is to do everything to earn the appreciation of those around you, but it's a boost that steals your time, energy, mental and physical health.

When you begin to fight for a life with joy, interest and commitment, not everyone will be ready to follow you in this place. This doesn't mean you need to change what you are, it means you should let go of the people who aren't ready to accompany you.

If you are excluded, insulted, forgotten or ignored by the people you give your time to, you don't do yourself a favor by continuing to offer your energy and your life. The truth is that you are not for everyone and not everyone is for you.

That's what makes it so special when you meet people who reciprocate love. You will know how precious you are.

The more time you spend trying to make yourself loved by someone who is unable to, the more time you waste depriving yourself of the possibility of this connection to someone else.

There are billions of people on this planet and many of them will meet with you at your level of interest and commitment.

The more you stay involved with people who use you as a pillow, a background option or a therapist for emotional healing, the longer you stay away from the community you want.

Maybe if you stop showing up, you won't be wanted. Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will end. Maybe if you stop texting your phone will stay dark for weeks. That doesn't mean you ruined the relationship, it means the only thing holding it back was the energy that only you gave to keep it. This is not love, it's attachment. It's wanting to give a chance to those who don't deserve it. You deserve so much, there are people who should not be in your life.

The most valuable thing you have in your life is your time and energy, and both are limited. When you give your time and energy, it will define your existence.

When you realize this, you begin to understand why you are so anxious when you spend time with people, in activities, places or situations that don't suit you and shouldn't be around you, your energy is stolen.

You will begin to realize that the most important thing you can do for yourself and for everyone around you is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else. Make your life a safe haven, in which only ′′compatible′′ people are allowed.

You are not responsible for saving anyone. You are not responsible for convincing them to improve. It's not your work to exist for people and give your life to them! If you feel bad, if you feel compelled, you will be the root of all your problems, fearing that they will not return the favours you have granted. It's your only obligation to realize that you are the love of your destiny and accept the love you deserve.

Decide that you deserve true friendship, commitment, true and complete love with healthy and prosperous people. Then wait and see how much everything begins to change. Don't waste time with people who are not worth it. Change will give you the love, the esteem, happiness and the protection you deserve."

Anthony Hopkins

Notjustanymum · 17/05/2021 13:58

A relative of mine became like this during a depressive episode. I took advice from some other threads on MN and went “grey rock” on them, removing myself from every situation like phone calls and face to face confrontation with “I have to go now” and either hanging up or walking out.
No explanation, no argument, no accusation. They got better, I felt better having calmly removed myself from confrontation. If you don’t react, it takes the sting out of their tail...

blaisealex · 20/05/2021 22:26

Really needing a hand hold this evening. I've driven back home from DMs one night early as we had a massive argument. I'm feeling incredibly guilty and sad even though I know in my heart, truly, that I'm not at fault.

She has a wonderful skill of making me feel like it's my fault and that I'm some kind of spirit demon child. She twists it all and turns it on me.

We had a bust up yesterday but it got brushed under the carpet and we moved on but it happened again tonight. I was called a million names under the sun including, lazy, fat, cunt and arsehole. She shouted, showed aggressive behaviour in front of my DD.

I even told her that it was quite frightening and toxic for my DD. She has never heard such aggression, shouting and arguing before. DM tried to say that was my fault and that I flounce, tantrum and need to grow up as I can't handle a minor disagreement but I explained that DH and I never have to resort to shouting, aggression or swearing when we have a 'minor disagreement'.

I took a stand because I'm not having her behave like that in front of my child. The worse thing is, she's already started texting me calling me a spiteful cow. It's all my fault. I've ruined the lovely week we had. I was an arse hole for leaving, etc. And tbh, it was a nice week, she took us on a lovely day out, took us shopping, did our washing. She was lovely at times. But then she was the one who ruined it with her behaviour.

Also noticed that this behave typically only happens after she's had a bit to drink.

But anyway, I walked away. Will have to find alternate childcare arrangements for next week whilst I'm working as I'm not having her looking after DD anymore.

But how do I rid myself of this unwarranted guilt I feel?

OP posts:
prettybird · 20/05/2021 22:30

Have you read any of the books that have been recommended to you yet, like "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward?

That will help you deal with the FOG (Fear, Onligation and Guilt)??

prettybird · 20/05/2021 22:32

Sorry - meant also to say {{{{Hugs}}}} and Well Done for walking away. Not just for your own sake but that of your dd Thanks

blaisealex · 20/05/2021 22:32

@prettybird

Have you read any of the books that have been recommended to you yet, like "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward?

That will help you deal with the FOG (Fear, Onligation and Guilt)??

I haven't yet, no. But I certainly will do. The FOG is so so awful.
OP posts:
blaisealex · 20/05/2021 22:33

@prettybird

Sorry - meant also to say {{{{Hugs}}}} and Well Done for walking away. Not just for your own sake but that of your dd Thanks
Thank you, I appreciate that. ❤
OP posts:
prettybird · 20/05/2021 22:35

Free pdf download versions of the book available. Here's one link

https://pdfroom.com/books/toxic-parents-overcoming-their-hurtful-legacy-and-reclaiming-your-life/1j5KLyMZdKr

prettybird · 20/05/2021 22:39

My dh found it very useful as a first step in recognising the toxic legacy of his mother's upbringing. Although it's taken 3 or 4 years counselling after that (when he had a mini break down a few years later) before really starting to deal with it - and I've only fully understood the degree of the toxicity after his mum died 18 months ago. Sad

But he's making progress - at over 60. It's never too late Smile

Mary46 · 20/05/2021 22:40

All about control with them. Its draining. She quite young op! I went low contact. I still visit but its minimal. I envy easy families. Mine is 70s

emsworth · 21/05/2021 01:17

This was me 10 years ago. It did affect my ds ~she was not able to moderate her behaviour and at that moment it was easy for me to go no contact.
Sad that I couldn't do it for myself years earlier but crossed a line with my ds who was only 5 and suddenly it was so clear.
No more FOG and only with this distance {emotional and physical} have I really been able to make sense of and name what was actually abuse.
Not had a moment's regret tbh.

RandomMess · 21/05/2021 07:34

Channel your love for your DD and that you protect her above all else.

Keep reading about the FOG, have counselling keep strong.

Thanks