I hate my Mother

[blaisealex]

Where to even begin. I could sit here and list all the horrible things she has said and done but it would take me hours and hours.

I do love her but honestly, I utterly loathe her.

Most recent things include screaming down the phone at me for 45 minutes and telling me how cross she is and how when things are going well, I always have to ruin it by doing something horrible. What did I do? I dyed my hair.

She actively tries to demonize my hobby. I'll show her something related to my hobby, something I've spent time creating and she won't utter a single word of praise. Instead, she'll look for reasons to make out my hobby is no good for me.

She spent half an hour tonight slagging off not living room decor. I've been told many times that she hates it, hates coming around because it's so awful, etc.

She'll say mean things about my appearance and weight and then the following day she will bring me donuts, chocolates, etc.

She has a close relationship with my DD (3 years), but I worry that eventually, she'll treat DD how she treats me.

My DH hates her and cant understand how I tolerate it.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one. And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wanted to get it all out. DD and I are staying with DM for a week from tomorrow due to renovations. I'm dreading it.

OP, you have to protect yourself and your daughter. It sounds like she has BPD to me.

First, you need boundaries. Low contact, (I think you will go no contact eventually) and if you need permission to do that, then you have it in spades here!

You are not abandoning her, you're simply not allowing yourself to be subject to abuse any longer. I promise, the feeling of guilt will fade and you will be empowered.

Keep posting

If you are on Facebook, could I suggest this page - The Sisterhood: Daughters of Narcissistic and Abusive Mothers. You will see you are not on your own, and may be able to get some useful advice if you are not yet ready to go no contact.

But how do I rid myself of this unwarranted guilt I feel?
just brush her off of you like the piece of sh1t that she is
if anyone treated me like that they'd be lucky to keep their (metaphorical) teeth

I’ve been NC with my mother for oh about 12 years, one of the best things I’ve ever done. I don’t miss her, I miss having a Mum. The DC are fine they’ve grown up without a Granny on both sides. When DD1 was born and she saw a photo of her for the first time she called her awfully fat and ginger (she was 6lbs 3ozs) I will not allow her poison to come near my children like it did me.

But what can I do? We are all she has. Without us, she will have no one

Which is no more than she deserves.

And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

She doesn't sound as if she likes you much at all now.

I'm with your husband, I wouldn't tolerate it and I certainly wouldn't expose any child of mine to it.

Why would you stay on the phone while somebody rants at you for 45 minutes? Hang up. Walk away. Tell her to leave. Every time.
If she ends up with nobody - she has created that situation for herself. If she hates you forever - so what? You don't have to stick around to see it. And for heaven's sake don't visit for a week - either put up with the renovations or find a hotel.

@Aquamarine1029

You are absolutely suffocating in the FOG.

We are all she has.

That's her fault.

Without us, she will have no one.

Oh well. You reap what you sow.

And she'd hate me forever if I turned my back on her.

You aren't responsible for how she feels or deals with anything.

Set yourself free from this utter misery, before she starts going after your child.

This is exactly what I was going to write.

Sounds like you need to go no contact. It doesn’t sound like she will be someone who you can just lower contact with without her upping the vile!

Does she say things like this in front of your daughter?

I feel for you, OP. I have no contact with my mother at the moment, because she manipulates and triangulates to get her way. She stopped speaking to me when I called her out, and will never forgive me for “letting her” ghost me and my little DS (whom she is also now punishing with silence after love bombing him previously, and he doesn’t understand the sudden change). I’ve dropped the rope, and I highly recommend it. I’ve moved on. I won’t let it affect my DS like this ever again.

Do you want your DC to be subjected to her vitriol, like you have been? Your answer is there.

Go LC or NC. I speak from experience. Best thing I ever did. Truly and honestly.

Well done OP!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Regarding childcare does your child access the free 30 hours provision? Xx

Sorry just read your most recent update.

Well done op. Stay strong. Keep focused on what’s best for you and your child and keep reminding yourself that you are not response for her feelings or behaviour.

@Callingallskeletons

Well done OP!!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Regarding childcare does your child access the free 30 hours provision? Xx

Thank you! Not until September unfortunately but I've done the calculations and we can just about cover the fees for the next few months until September so I've spoken to the Nursery and upped DDs hours. So, she'll be in Nursery now and not with DM. X

[quote prettybird]Free pdf download versions of the book available. Here's one link

https://pdfroom.com/books/toxic-parents-overcoming-their-hurtful-legacy-and-reclaiming-your-life/1j5KLyMZdKr[/quote]
Thank you for this. I started reading last night.

Well done for sticking up for your daughter OP.

You ask about dealing with the guilt. IME you have two choices

1. Feel fear, obligation and guilt because you are not running your life accordingly to what your mother wants by going NC with her

1. Feel guilty because you have allowed your mother to abuse your own child so that you don’t have to deal with the fear obligation and guilt yourself.

There isn’t an option where you don’t have to deal with hard feelings. So either take the decision yourself to protect your child. Or pass the generational burden of toxicity onto your daughter to deal with.

Your choice.

You can’t fix your mother or make her behave better. You know that because you’ve been trying for years , haven’t you?

You owe more to your child than you do to your mother.

You don't have to put up with it, you choose to put up with her. Cut her out of your life. Look at counselling to get rid the guilt. NC

@blaisealex

It's just so difficult because I know me and DD are her world. She is so awful to me sometimes but we are also the only things she cares about. And sometimes she can even be lovely. She's helped me out financially too which adds to the guilt. I also owe her 600 quid.

Of course she can sometimes be lovely! Most abusers can be, that's how they carry on destroying people: they give them just enough to keep them hanging on.

Daughter of two narcissistic parents here. When I was a teenager I broke down, attempted suicide, was hospitalized, etc. . . and my parents managed in their charming way to convince the mental health team that it was I who was the abuser in the family! More fool the mental health team. (That's a story for another day but, suffice to say, they were shit.) I so wish I knew about narcissism then, that would have helped me understand what was happening and that I really had to escape. Instead, I kept on hoping and hoping that my mother at least would change, that her lovely moments were the real person. I was in my mid-30s before I came across a reference to narcissism in a psychology book and began reading. . . and recognizing!

Narcissists do not change. Never. Don't hang on in the hope that she will. And please, please,please do not let her have any contact with your daughter. Your responsibility is to her, not to a very damaged woman who happens to be your mother. So: don't borrow any more money, don't feel obliged to pay back what you owe (she's trying to keep you feeling obliged), don't talk to her on the phone.

And find a good therapist who takes a particular interest in people whose parents have been narcissists. I really don't think that anyone who has had a parent like this can emerge unscathed, there has been too much brainwashing, manipulation, mind-games, knocking of our esteem. But a therapist can help you get stronger so that you CAN make choices and say "No." Of course your mother will hate that. . . but you and your daughter's and your husband's wellbeing have to come first, always.