To that they are all taking the piss?

[apilaud]

I’m 45, DH 47. We have 6 year old DD and 8 year old DS. I have a stepson who is 23, him and his girlfriend have DSGS (my step-grandson) who is 5 and DSGD (my step-granddaughter) who is almost 2.

DSS and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues recently. They’ve been together since having their first baby at 18 and are getting to the point where they cannot stand each other. DH will ring DSS for a chat and they’ll be screaming at each other. It’s bloody awful, to be frank. This means that grandparents have been helping out a lot with the DC. DSS’s mum helps out when she can by having them the odd night a week when the parents are working/arguing and at the moment we’ve been having them for about 2 nights in a row every fortnight. This has been going on since February, and last Summer before Covid kicked off again. DSS’s mum is an angel and tries to take the bulk of the babysitting because I’ve got my own two young kids, but she has a teenage daughter as well. The girlfriend doesn’t speak to her parents.

My issue is that when the DC are here, I’m going above and beyond taking care of them and DH does fuck all. DH likes the fun bits, playing with them but doesn’t help. He helps with our own DC when the DSGC aren’t here but when I’ve got all 4 kids he just switches off. DSGS is an extremely difficult, active child who is constantly bored. I have to put DSGD in the pram and then drag the other 3 out to go to the park, it's a nightmare and DH never helps or offers to take them. DSGS is defiant about bedtime and DH doesn’t help with that either, I have to deal with the tantrums. I adore DSGC but they are hard work and I’m having to care for them alongside my own DC. DH cooks everyone dinner and that’s his contribution apparently. The most recent time we had them I noticed DSGD had awful nappy rash, it was bleeding. When they were picked up I made a throwaway comment to DSS’s girlfriend about a method that worked wonders for my DC when they had nappy rash. It wasn’t me being judgemental, I was just giving mum to mum advice. Then an hour later DH got a snarky text off DSS saying that his girlfriend was pissed off that I had mentioned the nappy rash to her. I was really upset. They dump their kids on us, I’m left with 100% of the work despite not even been their proper grandparent and then I get shit for noticing that one of them has nappy rash. I was really hurt and in the heat of the moment text DSS saying “Fine, don’t bring them round for me to babysit then. You should also have a word with your father because he never lifts a finger with his own grandchildren and it’s all left to me.”

So now they’ve fallen out with me and DH is fuming with me because he thinks I’ve damaged his relationship with his DS and DGC. I think they are all taking the fucking piss, to be honest. This whole thing is stressing me beyond belief. I’ve just been on the phone to my friend crying my eyes out and she thinks it’s a disgrace and I should refuse to have the kids when they no doubt ask again but DH would be fuming.

Oh ffs, sorry about the title

I would say just don't have the kids but then I feel really sorry for them, growing up in an environment that is full of screaming and shouting and being left with nappy rash until it bleeds. Your probably a bit of respite for the kids to escape from the madness living in a house with two fighting parents. Sounds like the poor babies need you.
Your dh should be having strong words with his son about what it means to be a parent and put your kids first, not pandering to him and his girlfriends tantrums.
And if a child's bum is bleeding you definitely should mention it. If they ever went to nursery the staff would also be having words about things like that and it wouldn't be acceptable to send an aggressive text afterwards.

And you say you're not a proper grandparent but it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job as one and kids don't know the difference.

YADNBU to be exhausted, frustrated and angry.

I think I know where your stepson learned his entitled and thoughtless attitude from, though.

@Pongo101. What the kids need is for the parents to provide, not OP!

DH won't have a bad word said against DSS, that's the thing. We are deffo respite for the DC as is DSS's mum so I wouldn't mind still having them as my own DC love them and the 3 elder ones are a lovely little group, but I shouldn't be vilified as being a judgemental old cow for being concerned about the wellbeing of a child that I care for so often. I didn't deserve the shit I got for it. And DH should pull his bloody weight.

turnips is of course right but if they don’t, the child suffers.

I'm not bloody surprised you've have enough. The whole situation is ridiculous.

I think your text was reasonable btw. Your DH is being a massive knob.

Your husband sounds like a selfish pig who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.

You are being made a huge mug of by your husband and his son.

If the nappy rash is bleeding that is absolutely neglect.

Ive had 4 children and not one of them had nappy rash so for it to be bleeding they clearly aren't caring for the poor baby properly.

OP stand up for yourself and do NOT have the children over again.

Perhaps social services should be informed that they are not coping.

They are NOT your grandchildren to rear, you are being used.

Leave your waster husband to mind them.

Your text was perfectly reasonable, and if I were in your shoes I'd be having a very frank discussion with DH about things going forward, stating that IF he wants you have them again, he needs to be pulling his weight and caring for them. Otherwise, he can have them on his own and you go out with your own dc.

but DH would be fuming

Let him fume. He can look after them if he wants-he is being a total arse and should be telling his son, they’re lucky you’re there!

If they’ve fallen out with you-what do you think will happen now? Will they cope without you babysitting? Will they grovel and ask you again or will they just ignore you and ask DH if ‘you’ will have them? That would cause me to implode, I think.

YANBU-They are taking the piss and should be apologising to you. It sounds like you have enough on your plate already!

I'd tell your 'd'h deal with them then since you do such a shit job apparently. No more help from you, he can look after his precious sons children for him since he's a crap father (not surprising given his role model).

The kids may suffer, but they already are. You giving them a break now and then isn't a solution, it's a plaster.

I'm sorry what? You are all looking after these children for nights at a time so their parents can stay home and argue? That's a fucking piss take and your husband is a selfish prick.

I would be leaving dh to deal with his dgc going forward.

YADNBU

Ultimately they are the parents and they need to do the parenting. If they can’t do a reasonable job together, they need to separate. It’s nice of you and DSS’s Mum to assist but you have lives of your own and they aren’t your children. If you think the children are being neglected (bleeding nappy rash sounds as though they may) then perhaps SS need to be involved. Even if you do babysit from time to time, your DH needs to be helping rather than ignoring them and leaving it all to you.

Just tell him if he wants to babysit them, he needs to actually look after them.

DH is fuming with me because he thinks I’ve damaged his relationship with his DS and DGC.

Or, just perhaps, because he has been exposed for dumping everything on you.

What has he typically answered when you ask him why his only contribution seems to be cooking ?

Let him take them out in future. Oh, and not tow back on his contribution to his kids with you, either.

I'm so cross on your behalf.

I am nearly 50.

I have had, what you would technically call, nappy rash, sometimes bleeding, a few times caused by other medical issues.

It is hell on this earth and I have adult skin. The itching alone is enough to make you want to kill yourself at times, let alone the pain and soreness. God alone knows how bad it is on a baby's delicate skin.

You obviously realise this and the parents don't. It is disgraceful that they should take issue with you over mentioning it rather than trying to sort it out.

You are kind to look after those children and the parents and your DH are ungrateful buggers.

DH works full-time and I'm a SAHM so to a degree, I get why the bulk of the childcare for the grandchildren falls to me. But at the end of the day, it's different to us caring for our own shared DC. They are HIS grandchildren, I think for example at bedtimes or when I'm dragging them all out to the park the care for the grandchildren should be at least 50/50. Bedtimes are an absolute nightmare, I do all of the baths etc. Nappies, PJ's, that's all me. The 5 year old tantrums about going to bed and it wakes the toddler up and I'll be spending hours dealing with that, my own 2 DC end up neglected at bedtime because of it. Meanwhile DH is sat in the living room with a beer. I wish for once DH would say "I'll sort my grandkids, you put our children to bed." but he doesn't.

Short term op - nod and agree that being the obvious only adult in this shit show things are obviously your fault.. And bow out mentally and physically.. Leave them to it....dh can step up.

I was in a similar situation.. Having dgc 2 nights every week. Juggling 5 x under 16's myself including a toddler... Childcare became down to me and dh as ds and dil weren't interested... I bowed out. Sadly but no regrets... Ds took dgc and buggared off...
Being a dgm became being a free childminder.... They took the piss massively..

How do they ask for the babysitting? Do they ask you directly?

If he's sitting with a beer, put them in his lap, say 'its bedtime from Grandad tonight' and walk away to deal with your kids. This might be a starting point for a conversation at least?

@Howshouldibehave

Sometimes DSS will ring me or DH and ask. Usually it comes through DSS's mum though. She lives a lot closer so is usually the first port of call, but then she'll get called into work etc and asks us to come and pick them up. It's a mess.

[quote apilaud]@Howshouldibehave

Sometimes DSS will ring me or DH and ask. Usually it comes through DSS's mum though. She lives a lot closer so is usually the first port of call, but then she'll get called into work etc and asks us to come and pick them up. It's a mess.[/quote]
Do you think this will change if they are now pissed off with your text?

The ball is in their court now-they can’t ask you to do them a favour without apologising-and I would say you need to use the opportunity to break the pattern.

Having their kids two nights every week is crazy-what are they doing during that time?!

@FinallyHere - I think you've hit the nail on the head with your comment, Or, just perhaps, because he has been exposed for dumping everything on you.
It's clear that he hasn't been doing his fair share and @apilaud - there is absolutely nothing stopping your DH from contacting his own son and stepping up to look after his grandchild(ren). Nothing. You don't have to facilitate this. He could do this right now. But he probably won't because his ego is hurt and he has been shown to be wanting.

Your H can go and babysit there if his son and partner can’t cope. It’s all very well people saying think of the children but in your kindness and generosity you’re currently enabling this fucked up dynamic and your own children are suffering. So I’d consider this unfortunate - all three of them are ungrateful dicks - but also a good thing as it’s brought the charade to an end.

They’ll either push all of it onto DSS mum and then she’ll lose her mind and draw a line, or you’ll get a half arsed apology as they expect your help.

Is the little one in nursery? Worth having a word with them about the nappy rash and dysfunction in their home?

You sound lovely but everyone has their limit and it’s time you reached yours.