To that they are all taking the piss?

[apilaud]

I’m 45, DH 47. We have 6 year old DD and 8 year old DS. I have a stepson who is 23, him and his girlfriend have DSGS (my step-grandson) who is 5 and DSGD (my step-granddaughter) who is almost 2.

DSS and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues recently. They’ve been together since having their first baby at 18 and are getting to the point where they cannot stand each other. DH will ring DSS for a chat and they’ll be screaming at each other. It’s bloody awful, to be frank. This means that grandparents have been helping out a lot with the DC. DSS’s mum helps out when she can by having them the odd night a week when the parents are working/arguing and at the moment we’ve been having them for about 2 nights in a row every fortnight. This has been going on since February, and last Summer before Covid kicked off again. DSS’s mum is an angel and tries to take the bulk of the babysitting because I’ve got my own two young kids, but she has a teenage daughter as well. The girlfriend doesn’t speak to her parents.

My issue is that when the DC are here, I’m going above and beyond taking care of them and DH does fuck all. DH likes the fun bits, playing with them but doesn’t help. He helps with our own DC when the DSGC aren’t here but when I’ve got all 4 kids he just switches off. DSGS is an extremely difficult, active child who is constantly bored. I have to put DSGD in the pram and then drag the other 3 out to go to the park, it's a nightmare and DH never helps or offers to take them. DSGS is defiant about bedtime and DH doesn’t help with that either, I have to deal with the tantrums. I adore DSGC but they are hard work and I’m having to care for them alongside my own DC. DH cooks everyone dinner and that’s his contribution apparently. The most recent time we had them I noticed DSGD had awful nappy rash, it was bleeding. When they were picked up I made a throwaway comment to DSS’s girlfriend about a method that worked wonders for my DC when they had nappy rash. It wasn’t me being judgemental, I was just giving mum to mum advice. Then an hour later DH got a snarky text off DSS saying that his girlfriend was pissed off that I had mentioned the nappy rash to her. I was really upset. They dump their kids on us, I’m left with 100% of the work despite not even been their proper grandparent and then I get shit for noticing that one of them has nappy rash. I was really hurt and in the heat of the moment text DSS saying “Fine, don’t bring them round for me to babysit then. You should also have a word with your father because he never lifts a finger with his own grandchildren and it’s all left to me.”

So now they’ve fallen out with me and DH is fuming with me because he thinks I’ve damaged his relationship with his DS and DGC. I think they are all taking the fucking piss, to be honest. This whole thing is stressing me beyond belief. I’ve just been on the phone to my friend crying my eyes out and she thinks it’s a disgrace and I should refuse to have the kids when they no doubt ask again but DH would be fuming.

You have a DH problem

Meanwhile DH is sat in the living room with a beer

Your DH is definitely being an arse but you are going to have to stop letting him be an arse. Pull him up on it every single time.

@apilaud

DH works full-time and I'm a SAHM so to a degree, I get why the bulk of the childcare for the grandchildren falls to me. But at the end of the day, it's different to us caring for our own shared DC. They are HIS grandchildren, I think for example at bedtimes or when I'm dragging them all out to the park the care for the grandchildren should be at least 50/50. Bedtimes are an absolute nightmare, I do all of the baths etc. Nappies, PJ's, that's all me. The 5 year old tantrums about going to bed and it wakes the toddler up and I'll be spending hours dealing with that, my own 2 DC end up neglected at bedtime because of it. Meanwhile DH is sat in the living room with a beer. I wish for once DH would say "I'll sort my grandkids, you put our children to bed." but he doesn't.

But you're allowing it! I would have taken his dgc down to him and plonked them in his lap whilst I dealt with the others.

He's a lazy git-stop letting him get away with it!

You’re a SAHM for the benefit of your own children, not your step grandchildren.

If he says he’ll look after them he needs to bloody do it.

Goodness knows what other neglect is going on.

Call SS OP.

Especially as your own children are being neglected too whilstvyou try and juggle them all.

He clearly doesn't care about you.

What an arse.

Why are you letting you husband sit downstairs with a beer?

Get him up to sort them too, one does baths the others does PJ s and story. DH and only have 2 kids but the bed bath routine was always a joint affair, with 4 kids it definitely would be...

How dare he say you've jeopardised his relationship with his grand kids

Wow. You have a dh problem.

The parents sound young and immature. I'd have been sensitive about my kids when they were younger, the mum probably doesn't mean anything by it, just one of those over sensitive issues, we all have them sometimes especially when it comes to our kids.

Your dh on the other hand is acting like a twat, he can grow up and deal with it himself!

Your dh should be having strong words with his son about what it means to be a parent and put your kids first
except that he needs to follow this himself.

He either steps up and divides and conquers as far as doing the grandchildren while you do the other two or they don't come at all.
Gf out of order - you don't get to criticize if you're asking for free childcare. I would have bought and used barrier cream and passed it on when they returned but clearly something needs doing.
Your text was not unreasonable - if the three of them want to use you as a scapegoat evil stepmother-style, then they reap what they sow. You disengage. When Covid permissions allow, can you take your two to your parents and stay there for a weekend when the step gc visit and force DH to take care of them?
Your DH cannot expect the odd bit of Disney grandparenting and cooking a meal to be it, surely? Four kids at the park, bath and bedtime is a lot to deal with and he needs to come with you and do half.
It will not change until you go on strike and I, for one, wouldn#t blame you at all.

Also my brother had eczema when he was young and I remember his hands and feet bleeding so badly. He had all kinds of creams and treatment. Maybe if nappy rash is so bad, the child is allergic to something or is developing eczema. This doesn't automatically have to be neglect.

You need to start saying no, OP. This has shown that they all see you as the skivvy?

Concentrate on your own kids and make it clear to DH if he has his DGC he will need to take care of them 100%.

[quote apilaud]@Howshouldibehave

Sometimes DSS will ring me or DH and ask. Usually it comes through DSS's mum though. She lives a lot closer so is usually the first port of call, but then she'll get called into work etc and asks us to come and pick them up. It's a mess.[/quote]
Just seeing this update and I'd like to say if DSS's mum contacts you, hand the phone to your DH. Tell him that he has to look after his grandchildren as their parents (i.e. his son and daughter-in-law don't like your methods even though they are coming from a good place) and he is now to do it. Force his hand.
You're not doing it anymore. You've got your own children to look after!

OP please stand your ground.. do not be bullied or guilt tripped into accepting this bullshit being thrown at you.

If DSS's girlfriend, cannot recognise, you were trying to help, solve a child's painful nappy rash issue, then she needs a boot up the arse. Nappy rash is so sore, poor mite.

Don't get worn down into compliance.. let them get on with it. 🌸

Strong words with your DH, he needs to
Pull his weight. He should be talking to his son about the detrimental effect their behaviour will have on their DCs.

You would be totally witin your rights to stop having the Dcs

Just seeing this update and I'd like to say if DSS's mum contacts you, hand the phone to your DH

Definitely. I’m betting she asks when he’s at work though. I would become much less available and not answer the phone/reply to texts until much later. You are out and about now lockdown is lifting!

If the SS’s mum wants to bend over backwards doing childcare, that’s her lookout, but you don’t have to. You could tell her that they’ve fallen out with you over your suggestion of nappy cream and you think it’s best that you aren’t involved with childcare any more.

If they ask DH if you’ll have them (which would be astonishing seeing as they are all pissed off at you!) and he agrees-then you need to have this out with your DH and put a stop to it. Is he normally such an arse?

I think this is all DHs fault to be honest but I also think you need to push back on him - tell him he’s coming to the park, tell him he needs to help with bedtime etc. He also shouldn’t have said anything to you about the text from his son and dealt with that a lot better.
If I’m honest I think you texting DSS saying that wasn’t a good way to handle it; he’s already in a stressful situation with his partner so he’s going to end up biting back. Equally the mum of the children may be feeling very sensitive about having to take support from people and worry that her parenting is being judged so took your comment the wrong way.

@billy1966 that’s a strong reaction; SS would be asking for family to support two young parents who are struggling

I don't think calling SS would achieve anything other than causing DH to divorce me and the 3 of them wanting my head on a stick, tbh. They are nowhere near the threshold for removal of the children, and I wouldn't want that to happen. There's no drink or drug issues or anything like that. They would just be scrutinised and told to rely on family support whilst they sort their own shit out, which is what is already happening.

I had a feeling the nappy rash comment may cause upset with the GF. But I decided to be supportive and bring it up anyway, I wasn't being judgey, I wanted to help because I've committed the mortal sin of caring about her DC. I think deep down she is upset that she is having to rely on family and so me advising her on the nappy rash caused her to lash out.

I wish for once DH would say "I'll sort my grandkids, you put our children to bed." but he doesn't.

Then tell him to. Change this.

Or is he manipulative and coercive?

@SpindleWhorl I accept I probably let him get away with it too much, but he tends to just whinge.

I think it's because we have a set arrangement with our own DC. He works full-time and is knackered in the evening, so I do bedtime with our DC and he'll help with the odd bit if I need it. He doesn't seem to get that this arrangement is for our own shared DC's, and that HIS grandchildren are a completely different kettle of fish. I also think a part of him sees how stressful it gets with the 4 of them and he shuts down, that isn't me excusing him, just what I think.

[quote apilaud]@SpindleWhorl I accept I probably let him get away with it too much, but he tends to just whinge.

I think it's because we have a set arrangement with our own DC. He works full-time and is knackered in the evening, so I do bedtime with our DC and he'll help with the odd bit if I need it. He doesn't seem to get that this arrangement is for our own shared DC's, and that HIS grandchildren are a completely different kettle of fish. I also think a part of him sees how stressful it gets with the 4 of them and he shuts down, that isn't me excusing him, just what I think.[/quote]
Despite him working all day he doesn't get to sit on his arse when he comes home. Until your kids are in bed you are both still 'working' - as parents. When he gets in he still needs to take part in dinner, clean up and bed time every evening. When his grandkids are over he needs to step up even more. If you can mangage to do bed time for your own kids, hand his grandchildren to him to sort. Do not continue to allow him to sit back while you are stressed trying to get 4 small kids to bed.

Do not make excuses or apologies for what you said and did about the nappy rash. Your Dh is only annoyed because you have called him out on being a lazy ass. He probably lets his son think he does all the work. Well now you have told them all and they all owe you an apology and a massive thank you for all you do. I wouldn't give in to having the grandchildren to stay again until that happens. And if and when they do come, you simply hand them to your Dh.

Is she having to rely on family? They chose to have two children. Sorting childcare to facilitate work is part of that and their responsibility. Assuming they didn’t consult with you on having them and lined up your free childcare in advance they should be bending over backwards with gratitude, not getting shitty and defensive.

Stand your ground. You're being taken for a mug.

You are not being unreasonable. At all. Your H and his son are twats. Ungrateful, entitled twats.

I also want to say it’s so refreshing to hear someone speak so well of their H’s ex-wife. 👏🏻

If the nappy rash is bleeding that is absolutely neglect.

Well this isn’t necessarily true. DD once had a really bad nappy rash that we struggled with and nothing over the counter fixed it. We had to see a doctor for it and it absolutely wasn’t neglect.

DSS has always been a bit entitled, but if I say anything to DH I'm the scum of the earth.