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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To that they are all taking the piss?

116 replies

apilaud · 16/05/2021 18:09

I’m 45, DH 47. We have 6 year old DD and 8 year old DS. I have a stepson who is 23, him and his girlfriend have DSGS (my step-grandson) who is 5 and DSGD (my step-granddaughter) who is almost 2.

DSS and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues recently. They’ve been together since having their first baby at 18 and are getting to the point where they cannot stand each other. DH will ring DSS for a chat and they’ll be screaming at each other. It’s bloody awful, to be frank. This means that grandparents have been helping out a lot with the DC. DSS’s mum helps out when she can by having them the odd night a week when the parents are working/arguing and at the moment we’ve been having them for about 2 nights in a row every fortnight. This has been going on since February, and last Summer before Covid kicked off again. DSS’s mum is an angel and tries to take the bulk of the babysitting because I’ve got my own two young kids, but she has a teenage daughter as well. The girlfriend doesn’t speak to her parents.

My issue is that when the DC are here, I’m going above and beyond taking care of them and DH does fuck all. DH likes the fun bits, playing with them but doesn’t help. He helps with our own DC when the DSGC aren’t here but when I’ve got all 4 kids he just switches off. DSGS is an extremely difficult, active child who is constantly bored. I have to put DSGD in the pram and then drag the other 3 out to go to the park, it's a nightmare and DH never helps or offers to take them. DSGS is defiant about bedtime and DH doesn’t help with that either, I have to deal with the tantrums. I adore DSGC but they are hard work and I’m having to care for them alongside my own DC. DH cooks everyone dinner and that’s his contribution apparently. The most recent time we had them I noticed DSGD had awful nappy rash, it was bleeding. When they were picked up I made a throwaway comment to DSS’s girlfriend about a method that worked wonders for my DC when they had nappy rash. It wasn’t me being judgemental, I was just giving mum to mum advice. Then an hour later DH got a snarky text off DSS saying that his girlfriend was pissed off that I had mentioned the nappy rash to her. I was really upset. They dump their kids on us, I’m left with 100% of the work despite not even been their proper grandparent and then I get shit for noticing that one of them has nappy rash. I was really hurt and in the heat of the moment text DSS saying “Fine, don’t bring them round for me to babysit then. You should also have a word with your father because he never lifts a finger with his own grandchildren and it’s all left to me.”

So now they’ve fallen out with me and DH is fuming with me because he thinks I’ve damaged his relationship with his DS and DGC. I think they are all taking the fucking piss, to be honest. This whole thing is stressing me beyond belief. I’ve just been on the phone to my friend crying my eyes out and she thinks it’s a disgrace and I should refuse to have the kids when they no doubt ask again but DH would be fuming.

OP posts:

Howshouldibehave · 19/05/2021 20:22

I expect we'll be asked for help again by the end of the week

If they don’t actually apologise to you, the ask DH to have the kids and then he expects you to just do it, what’s your plan?!

AreTurnipsReal · 19/05/2021 22:45

Please stop this. Honestly, why are you doing this? Enabling stupid lazy tossers. Sorry, cross on your behalf

Zzelda · 19/05/2021 23:06

If your husband is too tired to look after his grandchildren, then he'll have to tell his son that he and you can't look after them in the evenings.

Mellonsprite · 19/05/2021 23:58

Emotions have been high, let's move past it." I expect we'll be asked for help again by the end of the week.
That’s nowhere near good enough, nothing has changed ☹️ You did so well standing up for yourself before. You’re being disrespected and used at the same time. You need to make yourself unavailable when they come around then your DH won’t be able to ‘fall asleep’ at crucial times. What if you just fell asleep too?

mainsfed · 20/05/2021 01:54

DSS is taking the piss as well now. The expectation is that you will just keep taking this.

billy1966 · 20/05/2021 03:49

I feel sorry for you that you have ended up with such a lazy waster.

Those children are not your responsibility but you sound like you are too nice.

Your life sounds very hard.
Another women being used for childcare.

Things won't change until you do.

SympathyFatigue · 20/05/2021 04:52

[quote apilaud]@LookItsMeAgain

Thank you for asking. I've got no apology, just DSS sending a text to DH saying "Emotions have been high, let's move past it." I expect we'll be asked for help again by the end of the week.

Have told DH that he HAS to help more, with bedtime and taking them out. DSS and his girlfriend never bother taking them anywhere, DSGS associates something as simple as going to the park with me. I want to carry on with that because I feel sorry for them and my DC adore them but I'm so sick of DH sitting on his arse. He whinged about how tired he is after work so we'll have to see. In the past there's been occasions I've been wrangling the DC and he's "fallen alseep" on the sofa. I'm going to start demanding rather than asking. If he refuses to help I'll have to stop but I'll be public enemy number 1.[/quote]
Ah yes. They want to move on ...so you can get back to looking After their kids for them so they can argue of a night time.
What a bunch of idiots.

Are they seeking counselling or splitting up or just dumping their kids on others so they can continue the joke of a relationship?

Yes your idle husband needs to step up. Plonking on the sofa while you wrestle his grandkids. What a guy.
You cook dinner and he does bedtime when grandkids are over.

RaeRaeMama · 20/05/2021 05:15

No advice OP, just wanted to say you sound like such a lovely giving person and a wonderful mother. Your family are being quite hideous to you, so you are right to stand up for yourself.

Allwokedup · 20/05/2021 07:32

Your husband is the issue. He doesn’t support you and in turn it’s causing you to
Resent the dgc. He’s being very unfair to you. Are you happy with him?

PegasusReturns · 20/05/2021 07:43

Emotions have been high, let's move past it

Is your DH expecting you to move on from that pitiful text?

Tell him that he needs to respond that you’re very upset, you do a great deal for the DSGC and that you’re owed an apology and see what happens from there.

If DH refuses to send that text or DSS refuses to apologise then at least you’re clear in where you stand.

FinallyHere · 20/05/2021 12:20

If he refuses to help I'll have to stop but I'll be public enemy number 1.

How do you think he would feel about that ? Would it be a win, that he doesn't have to do anything but also doesn't get the blame for not helping ?

Doesn't look good, does it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2021 12:36

What did DH reply to that stupid message?

Your emotions are no doubt still running high and none of the selfish tossers give a shit.

If you go back to having them as much and doing all the work then you making a stand will have been for nothing. They’re selfish and entitled and taking the piss. They chose to bring two children into the world and any help they get should be a favour, on your terms and something they’re actively grateful for.

Don’t be a doormat and find yourself back here in a couple if years exhausted from doing the school run for them and neglecting your own kids because you’re so strung out looking after theirs.

timeisnotaline · 20/05/2021 14:15

@PegasusReturns

Emotions have been high, let's move past it

Is your DH expecting you to move on from that pitiful text?

Tell him that he needs to respond that you’re very upset, you do a great deal for the DSGC and that you’re owed an apology and see what happens from there.

If DH refuses to send that text or DSS refuses to apologise then at least you’re clear in where you stand.

This.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/05/2021 14:39

@PegasusReturns

Emotions have been high, let's move past it

Is your DH expecting you to move on from that pitiful text?

Tell him that he needs to respond that you’re very upset, you do a great deal for the DSGC and that you’re owed an apology and see what happens from there.

If DH refuses to send that text or DSS refuses to apologise then at least you’re clear in where you stand.

Please do the above.

Your DH has to reply, not you and you're not going to look after the children for the time being. Give him an ultimatum. You are more than willing to look after the children but first off he has to reply to his son as @PegasusReturns suggests.
Your DH has to have your back on this. He can't be all things to all people here. If he wants to see his grandchildren, he steps up and he doesn't just 'help more' he has to look after them. Perhaps if he realised just how much of an effort it is for such little thanks from his own son, he might rethink how they have all been taking you for granted.
If they do show up, please (although this will be extremely hard for you to do), be there to welcome them and then say "Ok, DH. You have the kids now. I'm off out for a couple of hours" and then go out. Leave him with the kids. Don't go back for at least 2 -3 hours. They will cope. He will have to cope. See if you can get your hair done. Next time, go to the cinema or to the library or the gallery or something. Just make yourself less available.

4 - Before you head out tell your grandkids that it was lovely seeing them again but grandad is looking after them today and plant the seed that they would love to go to the park with him or something (get them to ask their grandad to do something with them that you would normally do with them).

Basically, your DH needs to see how much time and effort you put in to this for the pitiful thanks you get out. Your grandchildren love you but their parents clearly don't and you're taking a stand as NO ONE deserves to be treated as you have.

Be strong. It'll take a lot of visits I'd imagine to retrain and recondition them into appreciating you and what you've done for them in the past.

MrsRagnarLothbrok · 20/05/2021 15:09

I've got no apology, just DSS sending a text to DH saying "Emotions have been high, let's move past it." I expect we'll be asked for help again by the end of the week.

this is not the apology you deserve, there is no way I would be helping them out until I got an apology and recognition of the help I am giving them. Unless things are sorted out they will continue as they are now, with you doing all the work, you DH does not help and does not even have your back here, he should have told ungrateful DSS that he owes you an apology

FinallyHere · 20/05/2021 16:48

Here we are, the vipers of MN, we have your back. It is outrageous that they ( DH, and DSS and his partner) all trespass on your good nature and show no respect never mind gratitude for your support.

Hold fast, let them choose between showing a decent level of respect and gratitude or the support from you just dries up. Important to make it absolutely crystal clear to DH that you have plenty on your plate, he is not to sit with a beer while your working day continues regardless.

As for dumping his DGC on you, it's outrageous.

Stick to your guns

While you are at it, get him to see that your responsibilities for your joint children are to allow him to work. Once he is home from work, it's 50:50 and stick to it.

Good luck.

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