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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To that they are all taking the piss?

116 replies

apilaud · 16/05/2021 18:09

I’m 45, DH 47. We have 6 year old DD and 8 year old DS. I have a stepson who is 23, him and his girlfriend have DSGS (my step-grandson) who is 5 and DSGD (my step-granddaughter) who is almost 2.

DSS and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues recently. They’ve been together since having their first baby at 18 and are getting to the point where they cannot stand each other. DH will ring DSS for a chat and they’ll be screaming at each other. It’s bloody awful, to be frank. This means that grandparents have been helping out a lot with the DC. DSS’s mum helps out when she can by having them the odd night a week when the parents are working/arguing and at the moment we’ve been having them for about 2 nights in a row every fortnight. This has been going on since February, and last Summer before Covid kicked off again. DSS’s mum is an angel and tries to take the bulk of the babysitting because I’ve got my own two young kids, but she has a teenage daughter as well. The girlfriend doesn’t speak to her parents.

My issue is that when the DC are here, I’m going above and beyond taking care of them and DH does fuck all. DH likes the fun bits, playing with them but doesn’t help. He helps with our own DC when the DSGC aren’t here but when I’ve got all 4 kids he just switches off. DSGS is an extremely difficult, active child who is constantly bored. I have to put DSGD in the pram and then drag the other 3 out to go to the park, it's a nightmare and DH never helps or offers to take them. DSGS is defiant about bedtime and DH doesn’t help with that either, I have to deal with the tantrums. I adore DSGC but they are hard work and I’m having to care for them alongside my own DC. DH cooks everyone dinner and that’s his contribution apparently. The most recent time we had them I noticed DSGD had awful nappy rash, it was bleeding. When they were picked up I made a throwaway comment to DSS’s girlfriend about a method that worked wonders for my DC when they had nappy rash. It wasn’t me being judgemental, I was just giving mum to mum advice. Then an hour later DH got a snarky text off DSS saying that his girlfriend was pissed off that I had mentioned the nappy rash to her. I was really upset. They dump their kids on us, I’m left with 100% of the work despite not even been their proper grandparent and then I get shit for noticing that one of them has nappy rash. I was really hurt and in the heat of the moment text DSS saying “Fine, don’t bring them round for me to babysit then. You should also have a word with your father because he never lifts a finger with his own grandchildren and it’s all left to me.”

So now they’ve fallen out with me and DH is fuming with me because he thinks I’ve damaged his relationship with his DS and DGC. I think they are all taking the fucking piss, to be honest. This whole thing is stressing me beyond belief. I’ve just been on the phone to my friend crying my eyes out and she thinks it’s a disgrace and I should refuse to have the kids when they no doubt ask again but DH would be fuming.

OP posts:
mainsfed · 16/05/2021 20:52

OP, this is a really good opportunity to call it a day on the childcare.

Tell them that you’re upset about how you have been treated and will no longer be providing care.

And you hve to mean it. Do they drop kids off without asking you?

BlueVelvetStars · 16/05/2021 20:53

@apilaud

DSS has always been a bit entitled, but if I say anything to DH I'm the scum of the earth.

Sounds like you would be better off without ALL of them OP, is this an option ? 🌺

Notaroadrunner · 16/05/2021 20:55

At 23 years of age with a gf and 2 kids your SS needs to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for his own family. Your Dh needs to encourage this instead of pandering to him. I honestly don't know how you have put up with this situation for so long. Time to set some boundaries and decide what level of help you wish to give, if any. But as I said, do nothing until you have received an apology and a thank you from all of these ungrateful pricks.

Howshouldibehave · 16/05/2021 20:58

Expecting family members to have your kids this much when they have their own young children is too much-I think this is a chance to naturally end the arrangement.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/05/2021 21:00

Are you expecting them to want the childcare to continue after this spat? What’s your H said about it?

billy1966 · 16/05/2021 21:01

If those children are being regularly dumped on others an the parents are in constant battle, and the baby's bum is bleeding badly, then yes I would take a chance that it is likely the baby's bum is not getting the serious attention it needs.

The baby was sent to OP with a badly bleeding bum, without creams nor comment about it.

Not the action of parents dealing with it.

So yes, neglect IMO.

gottokeepplodding · 16/05/2021 21:06

You say this all started last summer. When are they going to sort their problems so they can look after their own DC which parents are supposed to do? Do they ever help you with your DC?
Seems to me you are taken for granted and no one should be expecting this of you especially when you have such young children yourself.

Tooshytoshine · 16/05/2021 21:09

This sounds a mess not of your making.

Let them all stew for a bit and await your apologies - they need to apologise to you and take responsibility for their words and actions. You are not simply a facilitator and being a SAHM is not tacit agreement to thankless servitude to an extended family.

Your husband has an easy life.

FinallyHere · 16/05/2021 21:34

but he tends to just whinge.

Honestly, in your situation, I would address any winging with quite a brisk 'you do that, I'll do this '

It seems to me that otherwise, you are allowing a whinge to be a pretty successful tactic for him. I absolutely get that you would much rather he didn't whinge and got on with helping but here we are.

Sorry. Hope you get that apology soon and meanwhile enjoy the 'holiday' while it lasts.

queenofthenorthwest · 16/05/2021 22:23

Start making plans to be out when they get there.

If you can't do that, start nipping the shop and taking a hour.

You are not a baby sitter.

I look after my step sons child whom i think of as my granddaughter but I'm not wrap around care.
He has a tendency to take the piss with me sometimes. And sometimes I don't Mind at all. Sometimes I do mind. Mostly I don't but I'm not stretched like you are.

Today I minded and I said to his dad, can't wait to see them but I can't mind the baby I have too much to do today. I set the expectation. Can you do that with them?

I'm a breather for him when he's here. If it gets to much for me I just say I have to nip out and then I stay out until I feel like it.

EKGEMS · 16/05/2021 22:25

@MintyMabel Totally agree with you-my son had severe diaper rash while on steroids or antibiotics. We definitely changed him frequently

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2021 22:34

I wish for once DH would say "I'll sort my grandkids, you put our children to bed." but he doesn't.

But why don’t You just do as a pp said and dump the kids on him?! I cannot believe he just lets you deal with 4 of them, that’s insane. Send his grandkids into him and TELL him he’s dealing with them. You doing 4 solo is unfair and not logistically possible. He’s being selfish. He wants them there, then he bloody well deals with them. Sitting with a beer? Loads of working parents have to crack on with the kids once home from work, they’ve chosen to have kids, it’s the natural order of that decision.

Singalongasong · 16/05/2021 22:46

It sounds like this is 90% a DH problem and you need to redraw the boundaries with him. Ask him to suggest some solutions other than you doing everything with stepGC. The nappy rash argument is neither here nor there, it's understandable that someone snaps and gets defensive when they're knackered with a baby.

toocold54 · 16/05/2021 22:56

YANBU!!!
It’s not often when I think a poster is 100% in the right.
You need to say to your DH everything you’ve said on here. It has been building up for too long that there was bound to be a fall out.

I will say though a friend said to me about my DDs nappy rash and I took it very personally as although she was trying to be helpful I just felt like such a bad mum. If I was you I’d text the mum and say exactly what you said on here - I’m sorry if you thought I was being funny but I know how hard nappy rash can be so I wanted to pass on what someone told me as I wish I knew about it sooner - or something like that.

Longdistance · 16/05/2021 23:04

I agree. Dss need to grow the fuck up and make an adult decision in his life and that is splitting up with his girlfriend so that those poor kids have a chance without that poisonous environment and being dumped on every grandparent or friend that’d have them when they’re arguing 🙄

PandaLady · 16/05/2021 23:06

Crikey op, your dh sounds useless! Sitting with a beer in his hand while you struggle to put four children to bed would be enough for me to consider ending the relationship.

How such a prick of a man found two very nice women to bear and raise his kids is beyond me.

Zzelda · 16/05/2021 23:28

I shouldn't be vilified as being a judgemental old cow for being concerned about the wellbeing of a child that I care for so often. I didn't deserve the shit I got for it. And DH should pull his bloody weight.

I couldn't agree more. So have you told your DH that? If his response is to whinge, tell him to grow up. If he doesn't want to help with the grandchildren, he's going to have to tell his son that you can't have them overnight any more..

quizqueen · 16/05/2021 23:59

No one makes you bath his grandchildren or take them to the park. Spend the time putting your own children to bed and if his grandchildren are still sitting there at midnight he'll know it's because he hasn't looked after them. Take yours to the park and leave the grandchildren with him, if he wants to bring them and join you then he can.

People make themselves martyrs to the cause and then complain about having to do it all. Just because you are female doesn't mean you have to do all the childcare for children who are no relation to you.

thenewduchessofhastings · 17/05/2021 00:16

If you and your DSS's mother are having to have the kids overnight because they can't cope and are always arguing then they need help.

I take the family has a health visitor they can turn to for support?

Tbh it sounds as both of them need counselling and parenting classes to help them better manage at home with their DC.

Could there also be issues with depression?

There's the issue of if DSS is actually pulling his weight or is his partner being left to shoulder everything because he's doesn't step up.

It sounds as though their issues are now affecting multiple households.

timeisnotaline · 17/05/2021 00:23

Stop making excuses for your Dh. Tell him these are his grandchildren, and if he wants to help his son that’s great, he will have to be all hands on deck. You are done doing all the work and everyone thinking they can have a go at you for it as well, so all grandchildren care after 5:30pm will be done by him from now on. You expect him home from work by then or you say no to the sdgc.
Poor babies, with a miserable home life and a shitty dad, obviously because he had a shitty entitled dad himself.

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 17/05/2021 05:05

@quizqueen

No one makes you bath his grandchildren or take them to the park. Spend the time putting your own children to bed and if his grandchildren are still sitting there at midnight he'll know it's because he hasn't looked after them. Take yours to the park and leave the grandchildren with him, if he wants to bring them and join you then he can.

People make themselves martyrs to the cause and then complain about having to do it all. Just because you are female doesn't mean you have to do all the childcare for children who are no relation to you.

This is just punishing the children though isn’t it. Most people don’t have the ruthless streak for that.
Pongo101 · 17/05/2021 06:49

@MintyMabel the nappy rash doesn't have to be neglect, but failing to take the child to a doctor when it doesn't respond to other treatment is neglect.

Immunetypegoblin · 17/05/2021 06:56

Is there anyone you and your DC can stay with spontaneously on a night when the DGC are due to come over? I say spontaneously so your DH can't reasonably cancel the DGC plans. Let him look after them alone for a night. He sounds like a twat tbh.

mainsfed · 17/05/2021 06:57

This is just punishing the children though isn’t it. Most people don’t have the ruthless streak for that.

This is how women are conditioned by being guilt-tripped that the children are being punished.

The parents and grandfather of the children need to step up.

Frazzledfranny · 17/05/2021 07:13

Yes it is a mess OP but not yours to clean up. And yes they are piss takers.

Regarding the nappy rash - if either parent where concerned they would have discussed the issue at drop of and what treatment they were doing but because they are being ferried around from house to house it’s being neglected.

The two parents need to grow up. They are arguing with each other and now attacking you - step back from this whole toxic shit show, don’t be a willing member any more.

Your DH is a CF