To that they are all taking the piss?

[apilaud]

I’m 45, DH 47. We have 6 year old DD and 8 year old DS. I have a stepson who is 23, him and his girlfriend have DSGS (my step-grandson) who is 5 and DSGD (my step-granddaughter) who is almost 2.

DSS and his girlfriend have been having a lot of relationship issues recently. They’ve been together since having their first baby at 18 and are getting to the point where they cannot stand each other. DH will ring DSS for a chat and they’ll be screaming at each other. It’s bloody awful, to be frank. This means that grandparents have been helping out a lot with the DC. DSS’s mum helps out when she can by having them the odd night a week when the parents are working/arguing and at the moment we’ve been having them for about 2 nights in a row every fortnight. This has been going on since February, and last Summer before Covid kicked off again. DSS’s mum is an angel and tries to take the bulk of the babysitting because I’ve got my own two young kids, but she has a teenage daughter as well. The girlfriend doesn’t speak to her parents.

My issue is that when the DC are here, I’m going above and beyond taking care of them and DH does fuck all. DH likes the fun bits, playing with them but doesn’t help. He helps with our own DC when the DSGC aren’t here but when I’ve got all 4 kids he just switches off. DSGS is an extremely difficult, active child who is constantly bored. I have to put DSGD in the pram and then drag the other 3 out to go to the park, it's a nightmare and DH never helps or offers to take them. DSGS is defiant about bedtime and DH doesn’t help with that either, I have to deal with the tantrums. I adore DSGC but they are hard work and I’m having to care for them alongside my own DC. DH cooks everyone dinner and that’s his contribution apparently. The most recent time we had them I noticed DSGD had awful nappy rash, it was bleeding. When they were picked up I made a throwaway comment to DSS’s girlfriend about a method that worked wonders for my DC when they had nappy rash. It wasn’t me being judgemental, I was just giving mum to mum advice. Then an hour later DH got a snarky text off DSS saying that his girlfriend was pissed off that I had mentioned the nappy rash to her. I was really upset. They dump their kids on us, I’m left with 100% of the work despite not even been their proper grandparent and then I get shit for noticing that one of them has nappy rash. I was really hurt and in the heat of the moment text DSS saying “Fine, don’t bring them round for me to babysit then. You should also have a word with your father because he never lifts a finger with his own grandchildren and it’s all left to me.”

So now they’ve fallen out with me and DH is fuming with me because he thinks I’ve damaged his relationship with his DS and DGC. I think they are all taking the fucking piss, to be honest. This whole thing is stressing me beyond belief. I’ve just been on the phone to my friend crying my eyes out and she thinks it’s a disgrace and I should refuse to have the kids when they no doubt ask again but DH would be fuming.

It's more of a DH problem than the step grandchildren IMO. He needs to pull his weight even if he works full time.

There was a thread a while back about a man who said yes to his GDC being at theirs during school lockdown when his wife (not their DGM) was working from home without even consulting her.
OP the bedtime routine is where you start. You take them downstairs to your DH and make it clear that he is dealing with them. You put your own to bed and then go out for a walk etc. If they’re up when you come in you do not deal with them. If he wants them there he needs to step up.

As others have said you do have a DH problem but I also think you are part of the problem. You don't seem to have made it clear to him what is expected of him (yes I know you shouldn't have to, but it's the only way things will change)

I'd suggest sitting down with him when the DGC aren't there and being very clear about exactly what it is you need him to do and that if he can't agree to that, you can't agree to taking care of the DGC - that if he wants to ignore you and say yes anyway then that's fine but their care will be entirely down to him.

You say DSS's mum is lovely and appreciated you have young children; is it likely that she suspects that DH is giving you minimal help? I'd call her and explain that unless DH starts pulling his weight you're going to have to start saying no.

Middle child had a bleeding bottom from nappy rash on a number of occasions. He was just more susceptible to it than the others. So it's not necessarily neglect

[quote Pongo101]@MintyMabel the nappy rash doesn't have to be neglect, but failing to take the child to a doctor when it doesn't respond to other treatment is neglect.[/quote]
Maybe they are awaiting an appointment.

I think IF they all apologise you could say that you will have them one night a week and that will be Saturday. And that it will be DH's job to take them to the park and put them to bed. Call his bluff about being "tired from work".

If he continues to sit on his bum then that's it, no more babysitting.

You may even help the ex by asserting yourself.

Are you having the kids so that the parents can work or is it for another reason? It seems a really difficult expectation of you, if you have your own young children and DH is still working,

When DH and I went through a difficult patch-a family member had the DC so we could go out for dinner and talk things through. Once. Not two nights a week every week!

Honestly - I’d be taking my own kids out to something they enjoy and leaving them all to it. You’re absolutely not being unreasonable here....

Bleeding Nappy rash, my DS never gets that bad but I apply barrier cream after every poo and as soon as there's signs of redness.
Op didn't say whether cream had clearly been applied before when they had changed them though.
My DS has eczema and he always seems to get red when at nursery, I'm assuming they are not being as frequent with changes, cream etc.
This could be a sign of neglect if they are not keeping on top of it so I think it was right to point this out, poor baby.

I agree currently they are taking the piss. However if you DH wants his GC around he has to step up. So you need a further conversation so you can clearly agree what tasks he is going to do himself it do 50/50.
Sitting downstairs with a beer because he’s ‘tired from work whilst all hell breaks loose upstairs is not an option.
I think the DS will be back in touch shortly as the appear to be reliant on you quite heavily so he will have to at some point address the issue (and he should be apologising). Poor kids sounds like they are being shunted around the family non stop though

There are other issues but you can sort the bedtime one quite easily. Take the beer out of your DH's hand, put it in the fridge, turn off the TV and tell him it will be time to relax once you've put your children to bed and he's put SGC to bed. If he kicks off, quietly walk out of the house to a friend's house (now it's allowed) and leave him to deal with all 4 kids.

You’ve had lots of good advice on here.

you are not wrong to be cross and fed up! I would be too. Massively.

They're definitely taking the piss! You sound so lovely. It's nice that the kids all get on. If you'll miss the kids then I'd probably say no more overnight stays but they're welcome to come and play. Bloody well done on your text aswell!

They are taking the piss, OP. Your DH needs to step up. Be unavailable for a while. Or go out and leave them with him.

I don't think I've seen anywhere on this thread a reminder that being a SAHM is an equal "employment" to his job. That is, you work bloody hard, and without you around doing that he would be up in the night and tired for work, he would have to factor in time to drop off and pick up from nursery, including at random times if they are ill (and provide sickness childcare at zero notice) or if they have a health appointment, the astronomical cost of two children attending nursery, working day would start the moment the children wake up, often repeatedly, and it certainly wouldn't end in the evening for him to sit down and have a nice beer and a relax. The fact that I get the impression that you do 99% of the child care related work for your joint children when he gets a cushty 9-5 office job should not go unacknowledged. Nor should it go unchallenged: what would be different if you started to view childcare as your sole responsibility 9-5 Monday to Friday and everything else needing to be split 50/50? When do YOU get YOUR equal amount of time nice sit down and a beer time when YOUR hard work day is over? Those are the pull your socks up conversations that you also need to be having IMO. And don't he DARE pull the "I'm paying for you to sit around on your arse" card your family is a two adult responsibility, and whilst it's very helpful that he brings in the money don't let him get away with thinking that that and a meal (that he'd have to cook for himself if he were single anyway) is anywhere near sufficient for his contribution. ... and that's before dealing with the grandchildren.

Like a lot of other women on Mumsnet, I strongly advise that you consider going on an assertiveness course and start using it pronto. He can only dump his grandchildren on you if you let him. Start repeatedly telling them to go to Grandad and as others have said, if necessary simply remove yourself from the home for a while (go for a walk for some "me time") when the grand children are playing up - let him deal solo with 4 children at once, because he's agreed to have them. His children + his grandchildren = his responsibility, and if it's fine for him to just check out with a beer, then it's fine for you to just check out with a walk or pop round to a friend's house for a night off in equal installments too - starting with all the time off in lieu you have accumulated for every time he left you to deal with 4 children while he sat on his arse having a beer.

Dss isn't the only entitled one. Your dh is an arsehole!

Both dh and I work full time and come home exhausted, we still manage to care for our children!

Is it not tiring doing the housework and childcare all day, are you not tired in the evening too? You still have to get on with it.

He needs a huge wake up call!!!

Yes, you shouldn't be doing every bath and bedtime even for your own DC. Even if he is too tired during the week , he should do it at weekends. You need a break too and bath and bedtime is bonding time with DC so your DH should do it too.

Mine have had nappy rash many times especially when they were teething but I was on it as it always made me feel guilty even though I was doing everything I should/could.

If the mum/dad did give a shit they’d have discussed it before the baby was passed over because she’s be concerned that the cream was correctly applied and nappy changes where swift.

This is just two parents taking the piss expecting the other adults in their lives to pick up the slack.

I’m glad you rescinded the offer to have them so frequently, stick to your guns and if your DH pulls a face tell him to go baby sit at their house.

I've got a few AND ANOTHER THING(s) to add to my rant 3 posts back.

You might enjoy staying at home with the children - but he also enjoys (prefers) going out to work. so that's even, he's not facilitating you doing something, he's facilitating you both doing your preferred things. What's not even is that he is paying into his pension the whole time, and you're not, and you're losing earning potential while his accumulates every year he's in work and you aren't. Financially I bet you're very vulnerable, and physically you're doing all the shit work at home.

Tell him to.step.up?

Explain to him he isn't doing his fair.share?

Of.course.he knows he's being a lazy arse!

He wouldn't do this at work, would he? No. He only takes advantage of his wife.

The thought that OP has to now explain to a grown adult, father of 3 and grandfather of 2, that he should look after his own kin, is appalling.

Yet more emotional energy spent by the OP, managing this entire tribe of useless adults. She must be exhausted.

Apple didn't fall far from the tree then. Does Dss and Gf ever look after thier own children? I'd be tempted to leave. For good. It isn't going to get any better

I’m so sorry to read this OP. The only people who should be parenting those poor children are their own Mum and Dad. Why is the rest of the family enabling this shitty behaviour? Shouting and screaming in front of the children is emotional abuse. Time for an intervention from your DH and his ex-wife to say enough is enough. You and his ex have been amazing but it isn’t fair on you or the children. Their parents need to look after them properly either together or apart and they need to decide which one it is quickly before someone else does make a report.

@apilaud - just checking in with you to see if you're ok? Has the situation improved at all for you? Has anything changed?

God you poor thing. No you arent being unreasonable, yes they are taking the piss.

Next time they come round could you and your DC go out? Leave your DH to see to the grandchildren and let's see how long he is fuming at you for..

@LookItsMeAgain

Thank you for asking. I've got no apology, just DSS sending a text to DH saying "Emotions have been high, let's move past it." I expect we'll be asked for help again by the end of the week.

Have told DH that he HAS to help more, with bedtime and taking them out. DSS and his girlfriend never bother taking them anywhere, DSGS associates something as simple as going to the park with me. I want to carry on with that because I feel sorry for them and my DC adore them but I'm so sick of DH sitting on his arse. He whinged about how tired he is after work so we'll have to see. In the past there's been occasions I've been wrangling the DC and he's "fallen alseep" on the sofa. I'm going to start demanding rather than asking. If he refuses to help I'll have to stop but I'll be public enemy number 1.