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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Tell me who is in the wrong here...

126 replies

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 13:24

Posted before regarding highly abusive and violent ex who is also a child abuser. I've been court ordered to make DD available every fortnight for supervised contact in contact centre. Ex is so violent he has TWO supervisors in the room at each session. Have had 6 sessions so far. I missed the last session due to illness but said I'd make up the session the following week and we'll follow that pattern for fortnightly and then append an additional session onto the end before we go back to Court for our next hearing. Ex was trying to force two weeks in a row so we keep to the original fortnightly pattern, but 3 seperate judges have said two sessions in a row is not suits for DD, she repeatedly says she's scared of him, has had violent night terrors screaming out that she's scared and she repeatedly says she doesn't want to see him.
So. All was confirmed to have the missed session take place.. But then, he just doesn't fucking show up!!! Doesn't let anyone know and just ignores all calls from the centre.
I was absolutely livid I just burst into tears as it took hours to get there.
It seems that because he's not getting his way he's punished DD by not showing up.
The contact supervisors were utterly disgusted with him.
Now, I'm wondering who is in the wrong as I made every effort to replace the missed session so that all sessions were attended.. I just utterly refuse to go 2 weeks in a row because its him being a bully.
Please tell me who is wrong here.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 16/05/2021 13:25

The courts are wrong.

Aprilwasverywet · 16/05/2021 13:27

Def Court error here...

Mellonsprite · 16/05/2021 13:28

It’s not you that’s in the wrong here x

MotherOfDragons27 · 16/05/2021 13:31

It's disgusting the courts are making a scared and traumatised little girl see her father just because he 'has rights'. Fucked up. I'm so sorry she's being put through this 😞

Glenthebattleostrich · 16/05/2021 13:32

The courts are in the wrong for forcing contact.

He is in the wrong permanently.

But, dont view this as a punishment for your daughter, view it as a break. She will have a whole month of not seeing him.

PanamaPattie · 16/05/2021 13:32

Not you.

Dogwoodrose · 16/05/2021 13:33

@BluebellsGreenbells

The courts are wrong.
Agree completely, contact is supposed to be 'in the child's best interests' but seeing him is clearly not in your DD's, I'm so sorry for you both OP. To answer your question though he is 100% in the wrong here, you couldn't help being ill and offered an entirely reasonable compromise to make up the time. This is about control again which I've no doubt isn't a surprise to you and I hope will go against him at the next hearing, you're right he is nothing but a bully Angry
FictionalCharacter · 16/05/2021 13:36

@MotherOfDragons27

It's disgusting the courts are making a scared and traumatised little girl see her father just because he 'has rights'. Fucked up. I'm so sorry she's being put through this 😞
This. She gets no benefit from contact, so why is he allowed to see her?
ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 13:40

That's awful? How much longer until you can go back to court and get it stopped? Poor child.

You are not in the wrong, he is in the wrong and even the courts have said 2 weeks in a row isn't in her interest.

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 13:49

Thank you. My solicitor said the court order is to be followed in the respect of DD is made available. If a session is missed then every effort is made to make that up but illness happens, its a fact of life. I can't even tell you the rage i felt standing there with DD and being told he wasn't coming. That was the pivotal moment for me where I truly realised he just doesn't care about her at all.

OP posts:
ginoclocksomewhere · 16/05/2021 13:52

Can you have a psychologist assess her and use a report as evidence?

Short of a recording of DD during night terrors/ saying how scared she is, I would t now what to suggest! I'd normally balk at that sort of suggestion.

Your poor DD! She should never have to be put in that situation!

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 13:58

I have a recording of her saying she's scared of him and of her night terrors. I just can't believe he didn't bother to show up. Knowing how far we had to travel. Not even me, his daughter!

OP posts:
Aprilwasverywet · 16/05/2021 14:00

Well leave him to try and justify himself..

Flowerlane · 16/05/2021 14:06

Violent enough that he has 2 people sit in at the centre?!Shock that’s disgusting, even worse that the court allow a child to continue to be involved in this situation.

I’m sorry for you and your daughter that you have to go through this. CakeFlowers

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 14:28

Just sick of it all, completely sick and tired of it.

OP posts:
ThatIsMyPotato · 16/05/2021 14:30

Try to see it as a bonus that she didn't have to see him this time? Flowers this sounds like such a hard thing to go through.

CagneyNYPD · 16/05/2021 14:32

Count this as a blessing. He is showing everyone who he really is. The courts are wrong to force contact on your DD. But there is a court order in place and you absolutely must play the long game. Keep talking to your solicitor about what can be done to change the court order.

Mandsy100 · 16/05/2021 14:38

Wow I'm so upset for you. I can't believe this is possible. How is he a child abuser, your poor dd is terrified of him and they think it's in her best interests to see him? This is so so messed up. Massive hugs.

Cherrysoup · 16/05/2021 14:57

Can you go back to court to show them the recording/tell them how scared she is and how he clearly doesn’t Carew about seeing her? It’s all about the control of an abusive bloke, isn’t it? He’s an utter wanker. 😢

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 15:03

We're back in court in a few weeks for a fact finding hearing. I'll provide those recordings as evidence and i will show them to cafcass. Just don't know about the next session and whether to be the better person and go.. Because that's then accepting he's just bullied his way into getting what he wants but I don't want DD to be used as a pawn :( he's utter vermin.

OP posts:
Voomster953 · 16/05/2021 15:03

He is a monster. At least now, someone besides you and your poor little daughter is starting to see that. Even if they’re powerless, it’s another witness to his cruelty and manipulation.

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 15:05

@Voomster953

He is a monster. At least now, someone besides you and your poor little daughter is starting to see that. Even if they’re powerless, it’s another witness to his cruelty and manipulation.
The contact supervisors were utterly appalled. They turned up specifically for this session. Such a waste of everyone's time..
OP posts:
Tossblanket · 16/05/2021 15:06

The system is wrong.

I'd not be following the court order, if he's as described and having that effect on your daughter then she needs protecting.

The judicial system is the UK is fucking useless.

kowari · 16/05/2021 15:07

The courts are wrong. How on earth was it determined that contact was in the best interests of the child!?

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 15:08

Well. I know his side can't say I'm obstructive.. Because I turned up today! Felt so sad for DD :( not because she was looking forward to seeing him but because he truly doesn't give a toss about her 😔

OP posts: