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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tell me who is in the wrong here...

126 replies

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 13:24

Posted before regarding highly abusive and violent ex who is also a child abuser. I've been court ordered to make DD available every fortnight for supervised contact in contact centre. Ex is so violent he has TWO supervisors in the room at each session. Have had 6 sessions so far. I missed the last session due to illness but said I'd make up the session the following week and we'll follow that pattern for fortnightly and then append an additional session onto the end before we go back to Court for our next hearing. Ex was trying to force two weeks in a row so we keep to the original fortnightly pattern, but 3 seperate judges have said two sessions in a row is not suits for DD, she repeatedly says she's scared of him, has had violent night terrors screaming out that she's scared and she repeatedly says she doesn't want to see him.
So. All was confirmed to have the missed session take place.. But then, he just doesn't fucking show up!!! Doesn't let anyone know and just ignores all calls from the centre.
I was absolutely livid I just burst into tears as it took hours to get there.
It seems that because he's not getting his way he's punished DD by not showing up.
The contact supervisors were utterly disgusted with him.
Now, I'm wondering who is in the wrong as I made every effort to replace the missed session so that all sessions were attended.. I just utterly refuse to go 2 weeks in a row because its him being a bully.
Please tell me who is wrong here.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 19:32

@Pebbledashery

But I've already been told contact isn't going ahead tomo UNLESS i confirm I'm going two weeks in a row in writing. The centre won't be open tomorrow so it'll be just a wasted trip.. I could just turn up and take a time stamped photo of the contact centre to prove I had made DD available.. But the staff won't be there. So it's either I do that or I don't go.

Do this prove your making dd avaliable on the times agreed he has had his request for weekly refused by several judges you are following the court order he is not

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 19:33

Actually just reread it dont go if no-one is there

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 19:37

The court order says to make DD available for fortnightly contact.
There's no schedule of dates.. It just says fortnightly. That's what I did up to the missed session and then made up the session that he decided to not turn up to unless I was going to go the following week but he decided that at the eleventh hour. I absolutely refuse to do 2 trips in a row that's over 2.5 hours each day that takes 7 hours out of our day and will mean DD is on the go 14 days in a row. I've not once withheld court ordered contact and even now I said I'll go but will not do 2 weeks in a row. He's saying I've breached the order.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 19:39

And he wants contact on fathers day despite forcing me to go on mother's day despite 2 months notice and refusing to rearrange to an alternative day because mothers day fell on his contact day.

OP posts:

chickenyhead · 29/05/2021 19:40

You haven't.

Just keep asking whether he intends to attend each week. Do not answer the blackmail.

Each week he chooses.

Whatever week he attends, it is every 2 weeks thereafter. It is never 2 consecutive weeks ss the courts Saif no to this.

Theunamedcat · 29/05/2021 19:47

Do you actually need to be in contact with him? Can you not use the talking parents app? Instead of actually texting it just gives him headspace where he should no longer be

idontunderstandwhypeopledothis · 29/05/2021 19:50

Please stop questioning yourself, you have done everything in your power so far to protect your DD and by the sounds of it you're doing a fantastic job.

Please do not turn up when the centre is closed, you are only opening up your vulnerability and yours and your DD safety. This is what he wants. He knows it's not open, he knows he won't be watched, he knows he can do whatever he likes. Do not do it, you're not that stupid!

If he complains about it in court, it's simple, you appeared on the agreed day to make up for the lost time previously, he did not.
You tell them you were not willing to put your DD or yourself in a vulnerable position with a violent man (doesn't matter who the feck he is!) without supervision from the centre. The judges will see that as acceptable.

Stop winding yourself up, you're listening to the shite he's feeding through to you, stop it. He doesn't control you anymore, you are not this mans property!

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 19:51

@Theunamedcat

Do you actually need to be in contact with him? Can you not use the talking parents app? Instead of actually texting it just gives him headspace where he should no longer be

He doesn't have my number. His messages are coming via the contact supervisor.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 19:51

He can't contact me as there's an injunction in place.

OP posts:

Ifimight · 29/05/2021 19:53

The court ordered fortnightly for a reason and it's not in your dds interests to see him two weeks in a row. Or at all but apparently an abuser is more important than a child who is barely more than a baby poor baby and poor you. You've tried to make up the missed session, and he didn't show. So you've done your bit. No way would i be going there tomorrow especially if there aren't any staff there.

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 20:08

Ok. I definitely won't go tomorrow. Have asked my solicitor to send him a letter just so it's documented I've still tried to facilitate but he's now purposely not turning up.
I hope to absolute God our next judge tears several strips out of him. He was thrown a life line by having supervised contact centre visits even though cafcass said no contact in the interim whatsoever but even now he's just so disgusting and controlling and still continuing to abuse. I hope this all works in my favour I really do.

OP posts:

Ifimight · 29/05/2021 20:14

Play it by the book as you have done, document every single little thing. The law is an ass if it forces a scared child to see her abuser.

FortniteBoysMum · 29/05/2021 20:14

Let him not turn up. So long as your following the court order if he is a no show court will end up refusing him access. If he can't be bothered when it's a legal requirement to show up they will know he will let the child down.

LittleOwl153 · 29/05/2021 20:26

If the contact staff will not be there then they are essentially cancelling the contact because of his indication he will not attend. Decision made.

Now what nice things have you planned to do with your DD tomorrow?

idontunderstandwhypeopledothis · 29/05/2021 20:31

Just make sure you do turn up on the normal fortnightly contact as arranged with the court but don't contact him beforehand, he knows where he should be I'm sure he can count to 2! And doesn't matter if he isn't going (actually it's a good thing he isn't) you've made your DD available 👍🏻

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 20:48

We only have a couple of sessions till our next court date.. But the contact centre have already said until all parties can agree a date for contact then they won't be in touch with us to confirm future sessions. He's sort of shot himself in his foot.. But the worst thing is this must be the 5th or 6th time he's just waltzed in and out of her life. I kept going to contact because I wasn't going to have her messed around.. I would've still kept going but him getting what he wants is more important than DD. I worry about her future so much.

OP posts:

Mummabug18 · 29/05/2021 21:56

Personally I would've just been happy he wasn't there! Used the time to play one on one with the facilities available with DD and gone home with head held high knowing I played my part and it's ONLY him that's going to pay for not turning up. DD didn't have to see him or act like she wants to be there, you don't have to see his infuriating face and your solicitor can add this to the list of reasons why he should just be fucked off. Courts are failing you both and this just proves it further. Long journey, yes but you are still the winners in this mini battle. Fingers and toes crossed for you to win the war now ❤️

Mummabug18 · 29/05/2021 22:00

Also, your DD will know, in the future that you did your best FOR HER whilst her awful father only thought of himself.

I understand what you mean about being messed about but that only applies if she wants to see him. The less sessions she has in the end, the better!

Mummabug18 · 29/05/2021 22:03

@Voomster953

He is a monster. At least now, someone besides you and your poor little daughter is starting to see that. Even if they’re powerless, it’s another witness to his cruelty and manipulation.

Exactly. And the supervisors may not have been happy but they will, likely, be used to it.

Mummabug18 · 29/05/2021 22:08

@Pebbledashery

Well. I know his side can't say I'm obstructive.. Because I turned up today! Felt so sad for DD :( not because she was looking forward to seeing him but because he truly doesn't give a toss about her 😔

But YOU DO. Coming from someone with no parents (Father dead, mother may as well be) having you to fight her corner is going to be all she needs in life! Deadbeat dad's are nothing new and she knows it's not because she wasn't worthy of his affections but because he doesn't have any!

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 22:10

You're all right. My friend has just been through a family court process.. She explained that even if you miss a session if the court order states fortnightly contact then it's fortnightly and two weeks together wouldn't happen and missed sessions are made up at the end prior to going back to court so I suppose I've been over accommodating. Also if its a one off missed session the court wouldn't expect you to make that session up.. If it was repeated missed sessions then that's different. I just can't get my head around the fact he's purposely not seeing DD now as he's not getting what he wants.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 22:11

@mummabug18 I really do 😢. She's safe and happy and settled for the first time in her life and that's because we're away from him.

OP posts:

Mummabug18 · 29/05/2021 22:24

@Pebbledashery

DO NOT GO! There are supposed to be 2 supervisors for a reason! I dread to think what might happen if you were to turn up and he was nearby! You have it in black and white that HE has refused to be there unless on his terms which the courts already rejected twice. You have been more than obliging but if you don't have safety measures in place, you are not keeping her safe. I've never posted so much in one thread but I feel so strongly about your situation. He is continuing this abuse in trying to control it all and the courts will see right through his BS! Just keep everything in writing, keep a dated file in hardcopy and keep safe. IT WILL END! ❤️❤️

Original poster

Pebbledashery · 29/05/2021 22:29

I'm definitely not going tomorrow. Sounds so stupid but I didn't even think about the safety aspect of that. You're completely right.

OP posts:

CliffsofMohair · 30/05/2021 08:14

💐 💐
I just can't get my head around the fact he's purposely not seeing DD now as he's not getting what he wants

I wonder if you’ve had a chance to do something like the Freedom Programme? Because right now you’re still thinking like he acts/reacts like a normal father. That’s never going to be the case.

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