Tell me who is in the wrong here...

[Pebbledashery]

Posted before regarding highly abusive and violent ex who is also a child abuser. I've been court ordered to make DD available every fortnight for supervised contact in contact centre. Ex is so violent he has TWO supervisors in the room at each session. Have had 6 sessions so far. I missed the last session due to illness but said I'd make up the session the following week and we'll follow that pattern for fortnightly and then append an additional session onto the end before we go back to Court for our next hearing. Ex was trying to force two weeks in a row so we keep to the original fortnightly pattern, but 3 seperate judges have said two sessions in a row is not suits for DD, she repeatedly says she's scared of him, has had violent night terrors screaming out that she's scared and she repeatedly says she doesn't want to see him.
So. All was confirmed to have the missed session take place.. But then, he just doesn't fucking show up!!! Doesn't let anyone know and just ignores all calls from the centre.
I was absolutely livid I just burst into tears as it took hours to get there.
It seems that because he's not getting his way he's punished DD by not showing up.
The contact supervisors were utterly disgusted with him.
Now, I'm wondering who is in the wrong as I made every effort to replace the missed session so that all sessions were attended.. I just utterly refuse to go 2 weeks in a row because its him being a bully.
Please tell me who is wrong here.

He's deliberately choosing not to see DD as he's not getting his own way..
Tell me this will be taken v seriously by the court??

He's deliberately choosing not to see DD as he's not getting his own way..
Tell me this will be taken v seriously by the court??

Yes definitely but I think a one off he’d be able to explain/lie his way out of. If it happens more times then it’s obvious he hasn’t made a mistake.

@toocold54

He's deliberately choosing not to see DD as he's not getting his own way.. Tell me this will be taken v seriously by the court??

Yes definitely but I think a one off he’d be able to explain/lie his way out of. If it happens more times then it’s obvious he hasn’t made a mistake.

Well he's missing the next session if I don't confirm I will go the week after as well... Surely it's him breaching the order then.....

No please don't bow to his will and do an extra contact session. He had shown himself to be disrespectful of your time and money (travelling 2.4 hours for him not to show up!), uncaring of DD, and just generally a prick. Stay firm as it's basically mind-games now. You are protecting yourself and DD. I cannot understand how courts order abusers to see the children.

You need to do exactly what the court says. They ordered you to “make your DD available” for him to see once a fortnight by taking her to the contact centre.
The visit HE missed counts as she was at the centre and available.

That's exactly what I've done.
I missed one session out of all the sessions due to illness. But I said I'd make it up the following week.. He said I had to do 2 weeks in a row and then we restart fortnightly contact.
So I said the missed session I would make up the following week and the next session will be a fortnight after that.. Therefore meaning he still gets his 2 sessions a month as that's what he currently gets. He agreed to come to the make up session then last minute sends an email saying if I don't agree to the following week then he's not coming. The contact centre didn't see that email as he sent it an hour before we got there and staff were arranged to facilitate the session. So I said unfortunately there is no longer a session to make up now as he deliberately chose not to turn up and the next time he sees her will be in a fortnight. It's been almost a month now since he saw her as he's again going to deliberately miss the session because I've not agreed to two weeks in a row as he still believes I have a session to make up.
I've told the contact centre they can contact me right up to the day before the next session if he's going to agree to come then ill make DD available.
I wish he'd just die :(

Go in 2 weeks time, hopefully he won’t turn up and the judge sees his manipulative and controlling behaviour. Don’t facilitate any extra visits.

Well he's missing the next session if I don't confirm I will go the week after as well... Surely it's him breaching the order then......

The order is for you to make your DD available at the contact centre once a fortnight. You need to do exactly that. You should not go every week. If he doesn’t turn up he will have to explain why to the judge.

The judge will not be impressed with him not turning up without a very good reason, especially when you and your small child have had such a long journey to be there for him.

You don’t want to see him, your DD doesn’t seem to be bothered about seeing him. His threat of not turning up isn’t really hurting anyone except him! You have to make that awful journey anyway, whether he turns up or n6, because of the court order. Surely it’s nicer for you and your DD if he doesn’t turn up!

You have made an extra effort to make up for the week of the illness, so you have done everything right.

He can’t change the terms of the court order, just as you can’t. He can’t insist you go when he chooses. You don’t have to agree with what he wants. You have just as many rights as he does (actually slightly more because you are the parent with residency).
you stick to the court order. Leave the judge to sort him out.

@Riv

Well he's missing the next session if I don't confirm I will go the week after as well... Surely it's him breaching the order then......

The order is for you to make your DD available at the contact centre once a fortnight. You need to do exactly that. You should not go every week. If he doesn’t turn up he will have to explain why to the judge.

The judge will not be impressed with him not turning up without a very good reason, especially when you and your small child have had such a long journey to be there for him.

You don’t want to see him, your DD doesn’t seem to be bothered about seeing him. His threat of not turning up isn’t really hurting anyone except him! You have to make that awful journey anyway, whether he turns up or n6, because of the court order. Surely it’s nicer for you and your DD if he doesn’t turn up!

You have made an extra effort to make up for the week of the illness, so you have done everything right.

He can’t change the terms of the court order, just as you can’t. He can’t insist you go when he chooses. You don’t have to agree with what he wants. You have just as many rights as he does (actually slightly more because you are the parent with residency).
you stick to the court order. Leave the judge to sort him out.

Should I still turn up on Sunday then.. The contact centre staff aren't likely to be there though this time so it's a wasted journey but happy to be advised otherwise....

He’s a dick. This isn’t about seeing his child. This is about controlling you. You missed a session and made your daughter available the very next week to make up that missed session. You’ve done all you need to.

Can I ask why you and your daughter are having to travel so far for contact? If it’s so he doesn’t know where you live, that’s totally understandable. But otherwise, contact ought to be close to where the child lives so that you and she don’t have to travel so far.

I think at the next court hearing, if contact continues, you need to ask for him to have to contact the supervisor a set time before contact to say if he’s going to attend, so that you and your daughter don’t have another wasted trip.

Good luck.

Don’t ever turn up without the contact centre staff being there. If he presents so much of a risk that he requires 2 supervisors, you must not put yourself and your daughter in a position where there aren’t any present.

No, if he said he won’t be turning up and the contact staff won’t be there you don’t go. Just make sure there’s a record of you saying that if he wants the contact on Sunday he needs to say so and you’ll make DD available (but you won’t be doing the following week too).

No. You don’t turn up just because he says so.
You go by the court order. He missed the session so you don’t have to make up for it.

If he’s so violent he needs 2 people to supervise the contact you don’t just appear at contact centre as you’re opening yourself and your DD to be abused.

Go only to scheduled visits at contact centre

It's infuriating how much effort is put in to help abusers keep contact with families that are far better off without them. System is so broken. I'm really sorry you and your daughter are going through this. Definitely not your fault.

I just worry that if she's forced to see him again after our next hearing we'll be starting from scratch again. She was utterly terrified the first few times she saw him :(

@CagneyNYPD

Count this as a blessing. He is showing everyone who he really is. The courts are wrong to force contact on your DD. But there is a court order in place and you absolutely must play the long game. Keep talking to your solicitor about what can be done to change the court order.

This

Would it be worth calling children's services and saying he's stopped contact and that I'm worried about the impact of him seeing her again as she's scared of him. Almost every day she says she doesn't like him and he's scary. It is so horrible to hear.

Would it be worth calling children's services and saying he's stopped contact and that I'm worried about the impact of him seeing her again as she's scared of him. Almost every day she says she doesn't like him and he's scary. It is so horrible to hear.

No I wouldn’t because he hasn’t actually stopped contact has he? He has only missed one day.
I would stick to the original schedule. Don’t go on a day you wouldn’t normally go and hopefully he’ll get annoyed and not turn up the next time.
It needs to be a few times of him not turning up before you have an excuse to stop contact. If you do it now he will try and turn it around and get the judge to feel sorry for him.

But he's missed the last session and now he's refusing to come unless I commit to two weeks in a row. He's already told the centre he's not coming. He's purposely not seeing DD because of the fact I'm not going to be forced to go two weeks in a row..

I’ve already said this upthread but surely it’s a win for you if he doesn’t turn up, as dd doesn’t have to see him?

I know the journey is a pain but you show up, and you document after every visit to an email to the contact supervisor and cafcass saying you turned up as per court order and he didn’t show up.

It is... But what I mean is, he's already said he's not confirming to come tomorrow until I confirm I'm coming the following week too.. So I just don't turn up do I as I know he's not coming. I've said to the contact centre they can contact me right up to the night before if he wants to see her and ill come but I'm not doing a wasted journey.

I think if the only obligation for you is to make her available for contact, you communicate with the centre that dd will be made available on these dates as per the order and that he needs to confirm that he will attend up to the day before. No confirmation, no visit.

Then follow through and keep using the same terminology “dd is available for contact on x date, kindly confirm your attendance by close of day before so that we know the contact is going to take place. If no confirmation is received, we’ll repeat the same process again with the next scheduled appointment.

Make up sessions may be accommodated whenever convenient, but again subject to confirmation to the contact centre.

What he thrives on is hurting you, controlling you. So if you don’t initiate the communication, if you stick rigorously to the every other week, he’s going to have to fit in or he won’t have access to you or to her.

Leave the ball on his side. You don’t need to deviate a millimetre from the court schedule. He’s either available or he’s not.

He won’t like having to answer to you, so I guess he’ll not bother

If you relentlessly keep to the script so there is documentation that you’re making dd available and all he has to do is (a) confirm and (b) turn up, and he doesn’t bother, it’s not you breaking anything.

He has said he won't go. So don't go. It isn't up to you to facilitate the week he missed. Unless court ordered.

@Pebbledashery

But he's missed the last session and now he's refusing to come unless I commit to two weeks in a row. He's already told the centre he's not coming. He's purposely not seeing DD because of the fact I'm not going to be forced to go two weeks in a row..

Contact centre have been told he’s not coming

So you’re off the hook
Confirm with the centre in writing that as he’s said he’s not coming, that you’ll resume contact as per the schedule in 2 weeks time.

You’re not in breach if he’s cancelled the visit

Dd was available, he’s not.

Just asked her to confirm he's not coming as DD is available for contact and if he refuses then this process will be repeated they next scheduled contact and I will not come two weeks in a row when the missed session has already been made up.