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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Tell me who is in the wrong here...

126 replies

Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 13:24

Posted before regarding highly abusive and violent ex who is also a child abuser. I've been court ordered to make DD available every fortnight for supervised contact in contact centre. Ex is so violent he has TWO supervisors in the room at each session. Have had 6 sessions so far. I missed the last session due to illness but said I'd make up the session the following week and we'll follow that pattern for fortnightly and then append an additional session onto the end before we go back to Court for our next hearing. Ex was trying to force two weeks in a row so we keep to the original fortnightly pattern, but 3 seperate judges have said two sessions in a row is not suits for DD, she repeatedly says she's scared of him, has had violent night terrors screaming out that she's scared and she repeatedly says she doesn't want to see him.
So. All was confirmed to have the missed session take place.. But then, he just doesn't fucking show up!!! Doesn't let anyone know and just ignores all calls from the centre.
I was absolutely livid I just burst into tears as it took hours to get there.
It seems that because he's not getting his way he's punished DD by not showing up.
The contact supervisors were utterly disgusted with him.
Now, I'm wondering who is in the wrong as I made every effort to replace the missed session so that all sessions were attended.. I just utterly refuse to go 2 weeks in a row because its him being a bully.
Please tell me who is wrong here.

OP posts:
Voomster953 · 16/05/2021 15:08

The contact supervisors were utterly appalled. They turned up specifically for this session. Such a waste of everyone's time..

Are they able to write a witness statement for use in court? Forgive my ignorance if this isn’t possible, it’s not something I’ve experienced.

However, having been gaslit for a long time by a narcissistic manipulator, I know the euphoria of a third party witnessing a side of someone normally kept carefully hidden.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 15:10

I don't think they can get involved with court stuff but least they've seen it now. It's down to me to either be the better person and accept and be bullied by him or just show up as per the new fortnightly arrangement. He's done this because he didn't get his way.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 16/05/2021 15:12

Op

This is good news, All of this will be recorded in his file and will eventually stack up against him.
Give him enough rope and let him hang himself in front of courts

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 15:44

I really hope so :-(

OP posts:
An0n0n0n · 16/05/2021 16:00

Id ask your solicitors advice on how to play the hearing. You dont want to say she was devastated that he didnt turn up if thats going to go in his favour for access.

If he is trying to use her to hurt you dont give him the satisfaction. Go next time. Say nothing. You look better to the courts. But id be pushing your solicitor to seek to remove his access.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 16:14

To confirm. She absolutely wasn't upset or devastated not to see him.. She was just confused but she was completely fine.. That probably goes to show how little he impacts her life!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 17:51

Really have no idea what I should do.

OP posts:
UCOinanOCG · 16/05/2021 17:54

How old is your DD?

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 18:07

Almost 3 x

OP posts:
MargaretThursday · 16/05/2021 18:12

I hate it when a child is forced to have contact when they don't want to.

However it's normal in this area to have 2 supervisors. They have to have two in all sessions, and will cancel if only one is available

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 16/05/2021 18:16

It's not normal in this centre, i usually see other families having just 1 supervisor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 28/05/2021 20:19

Update.. My ex is trying to force me to go two weeks in a row now as apparently I still have a contact session to make up... He's trying to say I've breached the Court order..
I said I'll go to the next session but I'm not going two weeks in succession as the session I turned up to was the make up contact session and he deliberately chose not to show up.
Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 28/05/2021 20:46

It is good that he didn't show up, it shows a lack of commitment. As long as you can show he knew about it. Getting back at you was more important than his child.

Follow the following planned contact to the letter. Don't do tit for tat. Do not disobey the court under any circumstances. Right now you have the upper hand. Don't lose that by letting him get to you. That's what he wants.

Soon enough he won't be seeing her at all.

Babbly · 28/05/2021 20:49

I agree that the courts were in the wrong but the system in this country is very much set up to protect the rights of the parent over the rights of the child. Social services and the family courts have a "family first" initiative which means that it's deemed to be more harmful to a child to have no contact with a parent than it is to have contact with an abusive parent, it also means that they consider the feelings of the parent as equal to the needs of the child. DH and I had to lift our jaws from the floor when a social worker proudly told us this as if it's a good thing.
I don't see how your daughter is being punished by him not turning up - she doesn't want to see him, and she didn't have to. Sounds like a win to me. Hopefully this situation will be temporary - good luck.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 28/05/2021 20:53

How is he contacting you, directly or through solicitors? Either way, say no. You will only go fortnightly as per the order. Would it suit you to delay by a month to make up for the 2 missed sessions or would you rather get back to court ASAP?

MzHz · 28/05/2021 20:55

@Pebbledashery

Update.. My ex is trying to force me to go two weeks in a row now as apparently I still have a contact session to make up... He's trying to say I've breached the Court order.. I said I'll go to the next session but I'm not going two weeks in succession as the session I turned up to was the make up contact session and he deliberately chose not to show up. Am I in the wrong?
If he thinks you’re in breach of the court order, he can ask the judge to decide....

Don’t bend to anything

Stick to the schedule you’ve agreed to and fuck him with his demands

You know what he’s doing here,!he’s hurting you through your little one

I hope to god that a judge sees sense and stops this child cruelty

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 28/05/2021 20:56

I'm ready to facilitate the next session but he's trying to force me to go the next week as well and saying I owe a missed contact session. I missed one session but then agreed and turned up the following week and he left us standing there after a 2.5 hour journey. So I said the next session will be in a fortnight and there is no further session to make up now as he chose not to turn up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pebbledashery · 28/05/2021 20:57

@TestingTestingWonTooFree

How is he contacting you, directly or through solicitors? Either way, say no. You will only go fortnightly as per the order. Would it suit you to delay by a month to make up for the 2 missed sessions or would you rather get back to court ASAP?
He's passing messages via the contact supervisor. I'm not sure he's represented at the moment.
OP posts:
MzHz · 28/05/2021 21:05

Well the you can absolutely ignore him, can’t you?

LittleOwl153 · 28/05/2021 21:06

Are you the parent who had to travel for contact on Mothering Sunday?

As long as you are certain he knew about the last 'no show' contact then I'd probably go with the next contact he is wanting and whatever schedule that fits - so if he's expecting contact this weekend and that schedule going forward works with you, then I'd go but say OK see you in 2 weeks after that.

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 28/05/2021 21:10

So basically I said I'd come the next session but the next one after that will in a fortnight. He's trying to say i still owe one session to him and I have to come two weeks in a row. He absolutely knew about the session we turned up to that he chose not to. He wasted the contact centres staff time also.
Yes he forced me to go on mother's day also and refused to do the Saturday or a day in the week.

OP posts:
SkodaKodiaq · 28/05/2021 21:46

I'm guessing you've already tried making a report to social services? They can listen to the recording and can step in to stop this if they feel it's necessary (which I think they will!)

Original poster
Pebbledashery · 28/05/2021 21:48

I've reported DD is scared of him and doesn't want to see him etc but they don't want to help us. I've just been immediately ditched by all the authorities other than my IDVA, it's like soon as you flee you have no support whatsoever.

OP posts:
toocold54 · 28/05/2021 21:57

It seems that because he's not getting his way he's punished DD by not showing up.

If she’s so afraid of him I’d be happy he didn’t turn up.
Honestly the more he messes up like this the more reasons you have to stop contact. Stick to your guns and hope he’s too petty to show up then if it happens a certain amount of time say you’re not doing it again and if it goes to court you can explain that he didn’t bother showing up.

LittleOwl153 · 28/05/2021 21:59

I think if you turned up to a booked contact centre and the staff there will verify this then that absolutely counts as a session. It was his choice not to show up.