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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Rude not to open messages

115 replies

BrilliantBetty · 15/05/2021 20:10

Probably am being U.

But I have a couple of friends, one lives down the road, who on several occasions don't open messages from me. I can see that they were active on Watsapp but didn't open my message. Sometimes for a long time. Or don't reply at all and just message me if they want something after a while.

One of these friends I saw in the street last week. I'd messaged her a few weeks ago (left unopened). Very very friendly in person, invited me round and was generally lovely.
I then messaged to say nice to see her and should we try the new coffee shop that's opened round the corner sometime. No reply, not even opened. She's on her phone all the time. Surely she'd have time to open a message in a week.

OP posts:

MontysRoseGarden · 15/05/2021 20:11

its not compulsory! yabu

GreyEyedWitch · 15/05/2021 20:15

You need to stop being so needy, they clearly don't want to grow their friendship with you. Move on.

Also, you can set it up on WhatsApp so that you can leave messages as unread even if they have been seen.

clpsmum · 15/05/2021 20:18

She may not have seen it. I often miss messages on what's app as I don't get notifications. My kids video call me via what's app though so it may look like I'm active

1Morewineplease · 15/05/2021 20:19

It sounds like you live your life on social media... you're watching what else they're doing and checking whether you've been read , or not.

I'd suggest stepping back a bit. And just checking in on your phone a couple of times a day.

WildWestWanda · 15/05/2021 20:22

I can read messages without opening them if they’re not long ones. It probably looks like I haven’t read them.

Donotspeaktome · 15/05/2021 20:24

Yanbu, this annoys the hell out of me. I find people then text me when they're bored or whatever and I'm expected to make time for them. I ditch these people. Relationships are a 2 way street!

scrivette · 15/05/2021 20:25

Sometimes people just don't have the headspace to reply/engage in conversation.

Original poster

BrilliantBetty · 15/05/2021 20:31

You need to stop being so needy, they clearly don't want to grow their friendship with you. Move on.

I don't see how I am being needy. I sent a message because we are friends. I was invited to her wedding last year as one of only 30 people. And invited me round when I saw her last week. That doesn't feel to me like sacking off a friendship?

I am not being particularly needy. I sent a message and left it, didn't contact a second time or anything. I happened to see she'd been online. I'm not avidly documenting her online presence, but things are sometimes noticeable.

OP posts:

Grumblesigh · 15/05/2021 20:32

Your msg - nice to see you, vague coffee plan - did not require a reply. I don't always reply to vague pleasantries. Try: You free for coffee on Tuesday at 5.30pm at that new place? (Or whenever). If she ignores that, she's just not that into you.

Gemma2019 · 15/05/2021 20:34

I'm currently sitting on three WhatsApp messages from friends/acquaintances which I haven't opened as I haven't got the headspace to reply to them and get into a back and forth chat. I feel guilty about it, although my last seen is hidden so hopefully it doesn't look really bad.

These are all really lovely people, nothing bad to say about them at all, and if I run into them I am happy to see them. But I'm swamped with work, home and general life lately and struggle to add extra stuff to the pile.

user1497787065 · 15/05/2021 20:38

I respond to email and text messages but always seem to miss WhatsApp messages and can go a week without even noticing I have an unread message. Some friends have even given up sending my messages via WhatsApp.

ChaosMoon · 15/05/2021 20:38

I often don't read a message immediately if I know I'll need to put thought into the reply, even if it's just working out my diary. It could be because I don't have the headspace right then, or I'm busy. If I'm getting loads of messages on WhatsApp that day, it occasionally means I forget to get back to someone. I feel bad about it, but that's life.

LongTimeMammaBear · 15/05/2021 20:42

I find it rude and tantamount to ghosting. Just leave it be and wait for her to contact you.

Even if she can preview messages without opening, she’s rude for not responding to your invitation to go for coffee.

MordredsOrrery · 15/05/2021 20:43

Best advice I ever had was that you don't have to open messages, answer the phone or respond to the door if you don't feel ready to - they're just requests for your time, not obligations. Now I tackle messages when I have the space/time to do so. It sounds like your friends have received this advice, too.

namechangefornaming1 · 15/05/2021 20:46

Have they got smartwatches do you know? You can read on there and it won't shown as read on your end

Cookiedough123 · 15/05/2021 20:47

@Gemma2019

This

skirk64 · 15/05/2021 20:48

YABU. I'll read messages sent to me on my own timescales, you don't have the right to decide other people's schedules for them.

QuirkyUsername · 15/05/2021 20:49

It could be that they've turned read receipts off on WhatsApp. My brother in law does this. You have no idea if he's read it but can see it's been delivered and he's online. Some people just don't respond to texts and messages, my sister in law takes weeks to reply, my own husband gets half way through a text, forgets to send it and then gets distracted. He'll come home and when I ask he'll open the message and say 'oh yeah, here's half a reply I started to write... Sorry!"
Not everyone has the headspace to reply immediately, then life gets in the way... Maybe she's a phone call person rather than text?

sunflowertulip · 15/05/2021 20:49

Yes it's rude. Giving benefit of the doubt, they might not use WhatsApp much and would try a text next time. My husband has WhatsApp but turned notifications off so often doesn't see them for days.

eggsfor1 · 15/05/2021 20:49

I do this all the time.

I open the messages when I am ready, sometimes I do just need to be in the right headspace, and want to stop and think about my response.

I would try not to worry about it. I don't think it is anything sinister.

BentBabyBastard · 15/05/2021 20:50

I'm always missing WhatsApp messages - the notification seems to disappear and then I forget I've had a message!

Lweji · 15/05/2021 20:53

Ring them and set a time. Done.

SionnachGlic · 15/05/2021 21:03

I do think it is a bit needtly to be wondering (to the point of posting about it) why your friends haven't opened messages or the one friend who hasn't replied to your text msg. I wouldn't have read that text as something that needed a reply...if you had asked (like another poster said) to meet at 5pm on X day...she'd prob have replied. Some people just don't have time in the momrnt & then forget if it is unimportant...or they just aren't that engaged in texting. However if you think they don't value your friendship, which is the impression your post gives me, then go off grid for a bit & see who gets in touch.

Original poster

BrilliantBetty · 15/05/2021 21:05

Honestly it makes me feel like I should just ignore her the next time she tries to communicate, in person or over messages.

But what a silly thing to end a friendship over.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 15/05/2021 21:08

Honestly it makes me feel like I should just ignore her the next time she tries to communicate, in person or over messages.

Are you 9 years old ?

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