Rude not to open messages

[BrilliantBetty]

Probably am being U.

But I have a couple of friends, one lives down the road, who on several occasions don't open messages from me. I can see that they were active on Watsapp but didn't open my message. Sometimes for a long time. Or don't reply at all and just message me if they want something after a while.

One of these friends I saw in the street last week. I'd messaged her a few weeks ago (left unopened). Very very friendly in person, invited me round and was generally lovely.
I then messaged to say nice to see her and should we try the new coffee shop that's opened round the corner sometime. No reply, not even opened. She's on her phone all the time. Surely she'd have time to open a message in a week.

Or, maybe she doesn't have it set to show that she's read them?

I have a mum at the school who thinks we're friends, I see her as an acquaintance. She messages me all the time trying to do stuff so I spend most of my life not opening her messages and avoiding her invites!

I personally think it's rude but if it happened a few times I'd give up being friends as bet obviously don't want to be . People can always make time for you if they want to .

Maybe she's on her phone all the time because she gets tons of messages? I'm in about ten groups which will each easily send 20 WhatsApps a day. I'll miss stuff. Sometimes it's a compliment that I've been online and not looked at yours. It means I want it to still be flashed up for me to read when I have time.

@Gemma2019

I'm currently sitting on three WhatsApp messages from friends/acquaintances which I haven't opened as I haven't got the headspace to reply to them and get into a back and forth chat. I feel guilty about it, although my last seen is hidden so hopefully it doesn't look really bad.

These are all really lovely people, nothing bad to say about them at all, and if I run into them I am happy to see them. But I'm swamped with work, home and general life lately and struggle to add extra stuff to the pile.

But you have the headspace to scroll through MN and reply to threads like this?

Sometimes I don’t open messages, sometimes I get anxious about knowing what to reply and I need time. Sometimes I genuinely forget because I only use WhatsApp for work purposes. But on the other hand I probably would worry if someone didn’t open my message so personally I don’t think either is wrong.

Given you were invited to her very small wedding last year & she was friendly the other day when you saw her, I doubt she's trying to coney she doesn't want to be friends!

Has she always been like this or is it a recent thing?

I have different phone call, text, WhatsApp communications with all of my friends, we all have different quirks!

I understand the feeling of wanting to do the same thing to her, but it's not the way forward.

I think a lot of people are not in a good head space right now and are just lacking the ability to deal with any more 'communication'. Sometimes I'm on MN, but I can't deal with yet another WhatsApp conversation.

Why don't you call her & see if she wants to meet for coffee, you can always ask her in person if she prefers texts to WhatsApp or what?

🍫

*Honestly it makes me feel like I should just ignore her the next time she tries to communicate, in person or over messages.

Are you 9 years old ?*

I am not 9 years old, I just don't value being ignored by someone who at other times expects and seems to want me to communicate.

There's a setting on WhatsApp where read receipts are not sent so it can look like messages are not read.

Someone in my family is rubbish at replying to whatsapp messages. I call her if I need a response reasonably quickly.

Also, yep, I can often see the whole message without actually opening whatsapp.

You have no idea what's going on in her life. Anxiety can make people not cope well with messages

But you have the headspace to scroll through MN and reply to threads like this?

Scrolling through MN & posting the odd response is totally different to replying to a message thread then having to constantly read & reply for the next 40 mins because every time you do you get another ping, then another......
@Gemma2019 I feel exactly the same.

I have my 'last seen' and read message receipts turned off on WhatsApp for this very reason...
But if you really do think she's intentionally avoiding replying then just send a message asking if there's something the matter. A genuine friend would be happy to set things straight.

I find it more frustrating knowing they've read your message but not replied. I have read receipts off for this very reason, and no last seen, but on group chats it still shows when everyone's read the last message you sent. I understand that people led busy lives and I don't expect instant replies, I would expect a reply if my message has been read though. I leave them unread til I have time to respond. What's worse is when my last message has been ignored and then a new set of messages start up like I didn't even say anything.

My WhatsApp settings are such that you don't know if I've read your message

WhatsApp is a stalker app. I only use it as it's free to send photos

@OhTheIronyOfItAll

But you have the headspace to scroll through MN and reply to threads like this?

Scrolling through MN & posting the odd response is totally different to replying to a message thread then having to constantly read & reply for the next 40 mins because every time you do you get another ping, then another......
@Gemma2019 I feel exactly the same.

That's the weird thing - I switch off on here and can chat shit and nobody knows me. But when an actual person I know WhatsApps me directly and wants a conversation I find it too overwhelming to be able to open sometimes. I have a really stressful job and life and sometimes I can't cope with having to say no sorry I can't come out for coffee or I can't face arranging a playdate for DD2. I always think I'll open it when I have the headspace, but time moves on and then sometimes I leave it so long it seems too rude to reply. I can't explain why I do it, as putting off replying fills me with guilt anyway.

If I'm honest I preferred the old days where we weren't all so contactable all the time.

But you have the headspace to scroll through MN and reply to threads like this? MN needs headspace?

It sometimes tales me awhile to see WhatsApp messages, because if you view a message in Groups A then the unread message notifications for Groups B, C and D also get dismissed. It seems like a design flaw to me, but it's how it's worked for years.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't see unopened WhatsApp messages or somehow manage to miss them. I'm very aware of the unopened bold messages and relieved when they move out of sight down the page.

I can't believe you are ascribing more significance to the way your friend handles social media than the way she acts towards you in person.
So if someone replied instantly to all your messages but was offhand to your face that would be better?
We are going to end up a very dysfunctional society when staring at s phone becomes more important socially than real life interaction

She may have muted notifications from you because you keep messaging her.

I often don’t open messages for ages - sometimes I just don’t feel able to engage.

The messages are on my phone which means I get to choose when I read and respond, not the message sender.

Somebody starts a thread like this every week

It's prob not as drastic as you worry about - some people just prefer to communicate 'personally' and aren't much responsive to texts, etc.

It's how most people have communicated since blowing through horns and fire signals were a 'thing'.

I'd be more concerned if i was ignored 'in the street' and she doesn't do this to you...in perspective, communicating by text is only 20 years out of 1000s, it might be your preferred form but not really for many.

@skirk64

YABU. I'll read messages sent to me on my own timescales, you don't have the right to decide other people's schedules for them.

This