Rude not to open messages

[BrilliantBetty]

Probably am being U.

But I have a couple of friends, one lives down the road, who on several occasions don't open messages from me. I can see that they were active on Watsapp but didn't open my message. Sometimes for a long time. Or don't reply at all and just message me if they want something after a while.

One of these friends I saw in the street last week. I'd messaged her a few weeks ago (left unopened). Very very friendly in person, invited me round and was generally lovely.
I then messaged to say nice to see her and should we try the new coffee shop that's opened round the corner sometime. No reply, not even opened. She's on her phone all the time. Surely she'd have time to open a message in a week.

use the sodding telephone to talk?

Not everyone wants to have a telephone conversation and that's ok.

It's not stalking to notice that someone has been online. Observing something doesn't mean I have gone out of my way to check something.
Why would I use my legs and go round if they can't be bothered to respond to a simple message. Not a texting tennis back and forth. Just a message.

Or you could just call them if you needed a response?

I struggle to understand the sense of entitlement and/or demand that some people have to how people use their time and their phone. If the message isn’t dire or necessary, why do you need an instant response to a text? If it is so urgent, why not use the phone’s first intended use and CALL the person.

If you text someone, they see your response and don’t reply back, maybe they’re busy, maybe they can’t text then and there, maybe they were going to and got distracted, there are a myriad of reasons so why do some immediately jump to some assumed slight or rudeness intended?

Sounds utterly exhausting.

I don’t read or respond to messages until I feel ready. People would not know this about me as I present as a friendly and outgoing person, but I have social anxiety and sometimes am not in a state of mind to respond.

YABU to demand that your friends respond to you within your own convenient time frame instead of theirs.

@ElderMillennial

I can see both sides OP and I think the issue is your expectations or what your investing in this friendship.

This sort of thing used to annoy me. I'd message certain friends and not get a reply for days or weeks but meanwhile I'd see they'd posted on Facebook and Instagram several times a day. It would annoy me.

Ultimately I realised they don't value my friendship that much if they'd rather put silly posts on Facebook than reply to someone who is actually taking the time to contact them.

I don't really make much time for people like that now. I message them if I feel like it snd I don't worry about it when I don't hear from them, although I think it does follow that they tend to make more of an effort when it's not you doing all the running.

So YANBU to find it annoying but YABU to expect them to respond on your timeline. You need to accept that's how they are and you behave accordingly.

Yept! I had a friend who would put a status saying how upset she was blah blah. I'd mesage her and get the shortest reply yet on facebook she'd give Loads of long replies. I realised then she's just extremely needy and needs the validation off a load of acquaintances than real friends. I rarely bother with her now.

Exactly. When someone shows you who they are , believe them 🙂 the first time.

Although I tend to give people way more than one chance but its good to know who you're dealing with !

My messages flash onto the screen and I read it but it looks unopened

I don’t think you’re being needy. I tend to think that, yes, messages don’t need an instant response but they should be acknowledged within a couple of days. If something big is going on (like someone’s two year old has broken their leg) then it’s okay not to respond to messages for a bit. However if someone’s ordinary life is too busy and chaotic to allow them to reply then they just don’t have space for you in their life (which is okay).

Friends are meant to make you feel good about yourself and this person isn’t doing that. Don’t send her any more messages. Make plans with some other friends.

This is definitely a silly thing to end a friendship over. The fact that she invited you to her wedding of 30 people last year and she invited you over LAST WEEK means she values the friendship. All this speculation and overthinking is clearly not doing you any good. Not everyone reply to messages instantly and there are many reasons why. It is also her choice.

She may not have opened the message but she may have already seen what it said e.g. the banner on her phone or Apple watch if she has one. You may not be a priority to reply to because of the actual message or because she only saw you last week. If it bothers you that much try sending her another message with a question or speaking to her about it next time you see her.

Sorry don’t know how to reply to multiple people but my experience was my friend started the messages , I’d read and reply with a question , she’d read but not reply for days or even a week,she has time to read but not reply , thats deliberate and rude. If I had started the messages and she’s hadn’t read it I wouldn’t expect a reply until she was ready , I understand people are busy or doing stuff.
It’s the reading and not replying that’s gets me. Why read and not reply I don’t get it.
I try not to read a message unless I have time to reply as I imagine they are sitting there awaiting my reply once read.
Anyway I don’t put up with it anymore as it’s almost like saying your not important enough to reply to, I do think lots make excuses as to why but you may find people will stop bothering with you if you can’t be bothered with them!

@namechangingforthis19586

My messages flash onto the screen and I read it but it looks unopened

This.

Also, for some of my contacts, I know I can reply with one message and that’s enough, but when certain people message me I know that as soon as I reply I will get a message back 20 seconds later that I’m expected to reply to and this back and forth could go on for an hour. Often I don’t have time for that so I’ll ignore the first message till a time that suits me.

I'm guilty of this. I have WhatsApp, texts (on 2 phones ) FB, FB messenger , work email and email to keep track of. And lots of family a d friends I love and care for. Frankly I'm swamped.

Sometimes I might see a message pop in and think 'must look at it /respond ' but then get sidetracked or frankly too knackered or overwhelmed to respond. And the days slip by and more messages deluge in.

Maybe I'm a rubbish friend but maybe this helps to understand a different perspective.

@namechangingforthis19586

My messages flash onto the screen and I read it but it looks unopened

I do this 😂

Screen everything.. ignore what I cannot be bothered responding too..

sad but true ☺️

@ElderMillennial

use the sodding telephone to talk?

Not everyone wants to have a telephone conversation and that's ok.

And not all people want to reply to WhatsApps. That’s ok too.

And not all people want to reply to WhatsApps. That’s ok too.

I agree.

But a phone call isn't necessarily the answer.

I suspect this comes down to different values in friendship groups. I consider myself fortunate that the last couple of years I've developed a group of friends with like minds. Making friends is not easy for me at all. All of them for different reasons are incredibly busy (one runs a care service that I know well and how it can be insanely long hours sometimes) , another has a complex schedule owing childcare and night work , another a complex homelife and yet another who has similar social issues to me.

We all have a clear rule (they don't all know each other but some have links) it's never held against each other if there is a delay in replying (even weeks sometimes) but sometimes there is loads of conversation. However without a doubt they have all dropped everything for me and I have for them. Emergency childcare , dog care support sessions.

That kind of unconditional friendship is important to me. I , and they, don't pay a lot of emphasis to timing of texts or lack of engagement we accept each other for who we are and what we have going on.

It's taken me 41 years to find this but I do realise my Dsis for example is very different. She counts every text and every meetiup and for her it feels like a slight , or a comment on how important her friendship is. Its just different people different rules but the trouble is the two can't seem to combine
Perhaps it is just two different perspectives.