Rude not to open messages

[BrilliantBetty]

Probably am being U.

But I have a couple of friends, one lives down the road, who on several occasions don't open messages from me. I can see that they were active on Watsapp but didn't open my message. Sometimes for a long time. Or don't reply at all and just message me if they want something after a while.

One of these friends I saw in the street last week. I'd messaged her a few weeks ago (left unopened). Very very friendly in person, invited me round and was generally lovely.
I then messaged to say nice to see her and should we try the new coffee shop that's opened round the corner sometime. No reply, not even opened. She's on her phone all the time. Surely she'd have time to open a message in a week.

I really don’t have the time to reply to all the daily WhatsApp messages, they are not a priority in my day, I suspect your friend is busy and will communicate when she can.

God how many messages are people getting? Are these group messages? I don't understand how there are so many messages that you can't respond to??
I have multiple WhatsApp groups that ping daily, but they don't all need a response from me.... so I may or may respond.
Messages from people I have in my phone as friends, those I respond to because they are my friends....

You are totally overthinking this. Don’t message her and judge her for not responding according to your own rules. She has a different approach and preferences to messaging than you do. You could always...you know...talk to her rather than building it up into something it is not and ruining a friendship over it. Maybe you are stressing her out with your messages? You don’t know what is going on with her. I wouldn’t presume it is all about you.

I have my WhatsApp notifications turned off because one of the groups I'm on is incredibly busy, so I often miss messages. A text is more likely to get my attention because I get an audible notification.

If she's your friend in RL, then she's your friend. She probably has a different approach and attitude to lots of minor things, like shoes on/off in the house, which way the loo roll goes on the holder, relative urgency of WhatsApp messages. You can't expect her to be exactly like you and take offence if she isn't.

I also think that people have a pattern of behaviour and if that changes I know they don't want to reply !

Oh for goodness sake, it seems like some people have too much time on their hands. Not everyone is up for the chit-chat version of tennis where you have to respond to absolutely every message that you get in order to prove that you care. It almost feels like the digital form of stalking, where you say something and then wait around monitoring how long they spend on the phone and how long it takes them to answer. This friend lives down the road, not the other side of the planet. Use your legs and go for a chat.

Oh for goodness sake, it seems like some people have too much time on their hands. Not everyone is up for the chit-chat version of tennis where you have to respond to absolutely every message that you get in order to prove that you care. It almost feels like the digital form of stalking, where you say something and then wait around monitoring how long they spend on the phone and how long it takes them to answer. This friend lives down the road, not the other side of the planet. Use your legs and go for a chat.

It's not stalking to notice that someone has been online. Observing something doesn't mean I have gone out of my way to check something.
Why would I use my legs and go round if they can't be bothered to respond to a simple message. Not a texting tennis back and forth. Just a message.

I just love how some posters immediately accuse the OP of being a 'stalker' and 'overly invested' in the other person's life, when they're quite understandably just a bit miffed that their one message has been ignored.....

Noticing your friend is online whenever you pick your phone up and click onto WhatsApp and being annoyed that a week later, the ONE message you sent hasn't been acknowledged, is NOT following their every move on social media 🤣🤣🤣

Manners cost absolutely nothing....., ZILCH

OP there can be so many messages via so many methods, she might not have seen it. Don't take it personally.

Don't message her so much. Wait for her to message you and then reply when you feel like it.

I used to get upset about this sort of thing too. I reply to messages straight away or I explain why I can't and diarise to reply later.... because I have a horror of ignoring or upsetting people.

However over the years I've learned that not everyone is like me 🤣🤪 and I've stopped projecting.

I would also say, though, that I do get rid of friends when they continously provide me with less than I need.

So if a friend did this 'not replying to messages' malarkey regularly for a year or so, I'd just duck out of the friendship. No big drama. I'd just stop thinking of them as a friend.

Haven’t RTFT but this was done last week… www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4239385-To-think-it-s-rude-to-ignore-text-or-WhatsApp-messages

I read mine from notifications, without opening WhatsApp, and decide how much I am able to/need to reply straight away. This doesn't show messages as read, even though I have.

I also go into WhatsApp to send photos of DC to family, so I'll also show as online.

@BrilliantBetty

Honestly it makes me feel like I should just ignore her the next time she tries to communicate, in person or over messages.

But what a silly thing to end a friendship over.

Or ask her if there's a way she prefers being contacted? Communication especially over things like this is a great way to maintain friendships.

I personally dislike the assumption people make that they can contact me on WhatsApp for the very thing you're doing - i.e. monitoring my use and response time. It's irritating and creepy

Just ask her preferred method of contact

The message wasn't direct for an answer, 'try the coffee shop around the corner sometime' it's not a definite for making plans so probably read on the screen, looks like an unread message.
Some people are really shy and just find it hard to communicate on text especially group chat after lockdown. Perhaps they are the same and will reply if you right a 'are you free for coffee next week' this requires a definite answer.

Honestly I think its really rude to try and dictate what your friend should be doing with her own time. Her always been on her phone means nothing. She might be playing a game, reading a book, generally browsing things. Doesn't mean you're entitled to her time.

If something actually needs a response then call. Otherwise your message is merely an invitation to converse and can be taken up or not.

I dislike this culture of the expectation of an instantaneous response.
Life makes demands on people's time. Sometimes they are in the middle of something else.

This thread has just inspired me to turn off last seen and read receipts. I had no idea some people viewed these as a basis to demand a response... weird.

I can see both sides OP and I think the issue is your expectations or what your investing in this friendship.

This sort of thing used to annoy me. I'd message certain friends and not get a reply for days or weeks but meanwhile I'd see they'd posted on Facebook and Instagram several times a day. It would annoy me.

Ultimately I realised they don't value my friendship that much if they'd rather put silly posts on Facebook than reply to someone who is actually taking the time to contact them.

I don't really make much time for people like that now. I message them if I feel like it snd I don't worry about it when I don't hear from them, although I think it does follow that they tend to make more of an effort when it's not you doing all the running.

So YANBU to find it annoying but YABU to expect them to respond on your timeline. You need to accept that's how they are and you behave accordingly.

@BrilliantBetty

Honestly it makes me feel like I should just ignore her the next time she tries to communicate, in person or over messages.

But what a silly thing to end a friendship over.

If she’s a close enough friend to invite you to her wedding, then yes, it’s a silly thing to end the friendship over. I do get your frustration though. Is there possibly something going on in her life that’s making her feel a bit overwhelmed?

@Birthdaygirl1210

It’s just rudeness, I had a friend that would instigate messages , I’d reply with a clear question , she would read it ( 2 blue ticks) and not reply ! I’d be sitting there waiting for a reply and then nothing for about a week and then she would answer. I think it some kind of power thing , she’s retired and she started the messages so don’t tell me she’s not in the right headspace whatever that means. Really if your reading messages bloody answer them . Oh and eventually got fed up so sent her message saying why does she do this and now I’m blocking you . She read the message but couldn’t answer 🤷‍♀️

This sounds a bit extreme, but I do get the frustration around the question thing. I had a friend who was forever doing that - she’d ask what time I wanted to meet that evening, I’d reply ‘About 7.30?’ or similar, then finally get a reply hours later. If I was just messaging with a general ‘how are you?’ then fine; I wouldn’t expect an immediate reply. But this was information she’d asked for!

Maybe she doesn't want to get into a conversation via messaging. She might be doing something or even just relaxing and probably thinks OK she can reply to the message, but then a few minutes later another message will appear. So what went from replying a quick response then turns into several messages back and forth. If I was busy or just relaxing I might not want to be messaging.

use the sodding telephone to talk?

I have a mate like this OP and went down a similar rabbit hole to you wondering if I was being needy. So I backed off and didn't contact her, I thought I'd just wait and see when she wanted to talk. She eventually messaged asking if I was ok because I hadn't been in touch! I think some people are receivers rather than givers when it comes to communication and turns out she leaves others unread too (another friend who knows her mentioned it too). I think it's just her style of communication. But it is annoying when it comes to making plans, I agree!

@SkodaKodiaq

I just love how some posters immediately accuse the OP of being a 'stalker' and 'overly invested' in the other person's life, when they're quite understandably just a bit miffed that their one message has been ignored.....

Noticing your friend is online whenever you pick your phone up and click onto WhatsApp and being annoyed that a week later, the ONE message you sent hasn't been acknowledged, is NOT following their every move on social media 🤣🤣🤣

Manners cost absolutely nothing....., ZILCH

It's not one message though, is it? The OP suggests that this happens much more often. In which case maybe they might want to think about why that is. Perhaps she doesn't notice all her messages? Perhaps she's fed up of the messages? Perhaps she's read them without opening them. Or perhaps, like me, she'd wonder why her "friend" down the road didn't pop in for a chat but seems bloody annoyingly bland messages like she can't be arsed to actually get off the sofa and interact with me?

But then I don't feel or understand the MN fixation with needing total strangers to have a go at my "friends" over perceived slights. I do wonder what definition some people use to describe friends these days. Half the comments on these boards about "friends" I wouldn't post about mortal enemies.