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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over sensitive or is he being mean?

112 replies

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 09:30

I just don't know anymore.
Dp has adhd and a part of this (for him) is that he is snappy and also has very little patience. It makes it difficult to have conversations as I find myself timing it to when he's in a good mood or unlikely to snap. There's no point speaking to him when he's doing something as he gets overwhelmed and will be snappy.
Yesterday morning he comes in to see me where I was sorting dd (2) and I was running late for work. I'd already asked a few times if he could have a shower so that we could tag team. He came in and said 'everything OK?' I said ' would you be able to have a shower?' and he started shouting 'yes OK I heard you! Etc etc'. It made DD cry with the raised voice. It felt so disproportionate to what I'd said.
This morning I got up with DD and got her breakfast (dp went out last night so I let him do his thing) and realised we didn't have bananas. So I made her porridge, and gave her some pineapple (in place of the banana, first time I've ever done that). I went to go upstairs to get ready after he came down and heard him say 'what kind of breakfast is that?!', I challenged him and asked him what he meant a few times and he said 'I'm ignoring you! Just get ready'. He then text me a bbc link to children having too much sugar and he then told me how many grams of sugar was in the breakfast. I just broke down in tears. I'm trying my best, and it's the first time I've replaced banana with pineapple and he felt the need to react like that.
I told him he was mean and it was unnecessary and he's shouted for a good 20 mins about how 'you're always the angel and I'm mean and I'm abusive, change the record!'.
The major sticking point in our 7 year relationship is the way he speaks to me. The snappiness really hurts and upsets me. Maybe I am over sensitive? I was shouted at alot as a child and I find it hard. Noone else in my life shouts at me.. I don't want this for DD either growing up.
I've tried not to drip feed, sorry if I've left anything key out.

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 15/05/2021 09:32

You are not over sensitive
And your child is having the same poor childhood experience that you had.

Quartz2208 · 15/05/2021 09:32

There is absolutely no excuse OP for the way he is treating you and your DD at all. None.

Orangebug · 15/05/2021 09:33

I know three people with diagnosed ADHD. None of them behave like this. I think he's using his diagnosis as an excuse OP.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 15/05/2021 09:34

You can have ADHD and also be an abusive cunt OP, yes he can't help being overwhelmed but his responses are horrific - a 20 minute shouting session which upsets the dc over something as ridiculous as fruit on breakfast is completely unacceptable. Is he medicated for his ADHD?

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 09:37

He does take medication for it. He's on a health kick at the moment and he gets really obsessed with things. So he's constantly watching YouTube videos about advice on tummy fat and is now really judgemental about 'bad' foods. I can't keep up with him. Since Xmas he's been vegan and done keto, both times had been obsessed only to stop doing it after a month or so.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 15/05/2021 09:37

There was nothing wrong with the breakfast. He's finding sticks to beat you with. You need to ask yourself why you've put up with this, because you shouldn't be. ADHD is an excuse. If he can be civil to other people then he can with you. This is a choice that he is making, so is not pitching in, or working around you. Your relationship sounds abusive. It's going to damage your DD. I don't see how you would be worse off as a LP, tbh. He's going to erode your self worth.

Indoorcamping · 15/05/2021 09:39

The ADHD is irrelevant, he's an abuse arsehole.

You don't have to put up with this

Cocomarine · 15/05/2021 09:40

He’s an arsehole. Whether that’s a symptom of ADHD or he’s independently an arsehole (it’s the latter) you don’t have to live with that shit.

ThatIsMyPotato · 15/05/2021 09:40

That is awful behaviour. His poor DD has no choice but to be around it, please protect her.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 09:43

Thank you for the replies. I just feel like he's a jekyll and Hyde person. Can be normal and lovely etc but then so snappy and easy to irritate. I on the other hand am quite a relaxed, laid back and easy going person. We're just not compatible are we?
Everytime we argue about this he says he's sick of being made to feel abusive and won't go his life being made to feel like that. I go around in circles, am I over sensitive? Am I justified? Should I just take it on the chin... But then I see how he is with others and on more than once occasion I've told him that if he can be patient with them, then he should with me too.

OP posts:
Couldhavebeenme2 · 15/05/2021 09:43

His meds need reassessing if he is using his ADHD as an excuse to abuse you. Once the meds are fixed he'll have no excuses for it and you won't have to justify staying because of it.

FWIW I have the same opinion of people who use depression as an excuse for abusive behaviour - deal with the excuse properly then there's no other reason to explain the abuse.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 15/05/2021 09:46

he says he's sick of being made to feel abusive and won't go his life being made to feel like that

But he is being abusive, he should feel like that!

Cast your mind back op, how was your childhood? Want your dc to feel like that by continuing to accept his behaviour or are you prepared to protect them and make the change?

user1471457751 · 15/05/2021 09:47

This has nothing to do with adhd, he's just an abusive bastard. And there's nothing wrong with pineapple, the wanker

Neonprint · 15/05/2021 09:51

I've been researching adhd recently as I'm wondering if I have it. My understanding is people can be snappy as they have lots of thoughts and are overwhelmed. That's not really what you describe here though. He's being mean and probably abusive.

I say abusive because he's gaslighting you about the narrative in your relationship that he can do no right. The hyper focus thing with the nutrition does sound quite typical of adhd obsessions but it doesn't mean he has to use it to judge you. Why isn't he making you child breakfast?

Loads of people have successful relationships with adhd and aren't abusive. He's just a dick.

frutyloops · 15/05/2021 09:55

I have ADHD. Min 17 year Old have ADHD. Son is medicated, i am not .
We are not asses and we dont snap and blame it on ADHD.

Happylittlethoughts · 15/05/2021 09:57

No, you are not over sensitive. H is a dick.
The very fact that you think it's you makes me think about how long you've been putting up with this abuse that his victim blaming has had this much effect on you.
I have no idea about adhd symptoms and medications but I know the symptoms of someone who has been abused and you are showing them.

MissingTheMoonlight · 15/05/2021 09:58

This sound awful for you; always walking around on eggshells.

That was a healthy breakfast and he should be grateful you're caring for your daughter.
FWIW, I give my toddler DS a variety of fruit with his breakfast and think this would be better than the same one every time.

IJustWantSomeBees · 15/05/2021 09:58

We're just not compatible are we?

Abusers aren't compatible with anyone. You are in NO way the problem here, OP. And if he doesn't want to live his life 'being made to feel abusive' then he should stop being abusive.

You and your child deserve better than this man. Flowers

riotlady · 15/05/2021 09:58

That’s not ADHD, it’s abuse. You’re not being over sensitive at all, I couldnt live with it

(For the record my partner has ADHD and he does sometimes get overwhelmed when he’s got too many tasks to think of at once but he would never ever make me feel like that)

Theunamedcat · 15/05/2021 10:01

You missed out the part where your getting your ducks in a row and getting you and your child the fuck away from him

Mellonsprite · 15/05/2021 10:02

He is being an arse.
Fresh pineapple has lots of fibre in it so I think it was a good alternative. Sure there’s sugar in fruit, but It’s hardly like you gave her a Mars bar for breakfast is it?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 15/05/2021 10:02

Na OP he's just a dick. Honestly I would leave him. Couldn't be putting up with that crap.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 10:02

I know you're all right :(its hard to accept

OP posts:
MistyGreenAndBlue · 15/05/2021 10:06

So basically he's saying "I want to be able to stomp and scream and be rude and mardy and say whatever cruel shit I feel like but not be made to feel bad about it"?
Is that about right?
Fuck that!

Unanananana · 15/05/2021 10:09

Your poor kid having to put up with listening to her Dad speak to her Mum like that. Is that how you both want her to remember her childhood?

ADHD is not an excuse for being a cunt. You are not his therapist or his verbal punching bag. He needs, at the very least, to have his medication checked. Then some appropriate therapy to show him how to manage his behaviour as a father and partner.