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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I over sensitive or is he being mean?

112 replies

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 09:30

I just don't know anymore.
Dp has adhd and a part of this (for him) is that he is snappy and also has very little patience. It makes it difficult to have conversations as I find myself timing it to when he's in a good mood or unlikely to snap. There's no point speaking to him when he's doing something as he gets overwhelmed and will be snappy.
Yesterday morning he comes in to see me where I was sorting dd (2) and I was running late for work. I'd already asked a few times if he could have a shower so that we could tag team. He came in and said 'everything OK?' I said ' would you be able to have a shower?' and he started shouting 'yes OK I heard you! Etc etc'. It made DD cry with the raised voice. It felt so disproportionate to what I'd said.
This morning I got up with DD and got her breakfast (dp went out last night so I let him do his thing) and realised we didn't have bananas. So I made her porridge, and gave her some pineapple (in place of the banana, first time I've ever done that). I went to go upstairs to get ready after he came down and heard him say 'what kind of breakfast is that?!', I challenged him and asked him what he meant a few times and he said 'I'm ignoring you! Just get ready'. He then text me a bbc link to children having too much sugar and he then told me how many grams of sugar was in the breakfast. I just broke down in tears. I'm trying my best, and it's the first time I've replaced banana with pineapple and he felt the need to react like that.
I told him he was mean and it was unnecessary and he's shouted for a good 20 mins about how 'you're always the angel and I'm mean and I'm abusive, change the record!'.
The major sticking point in our 7 year relationship is the way he speaks to me. The snappiness really hurts and upsets me. Maybe I am over sensitive? I was shouted at alot as a child and I find it hard. Noone else in my life shouts at me.. I don't want this for DD either growing up.
I've tried not to drip feed, sorry if I've left anything key out.

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 15/05/2021 23:12

@Fedupmum13

We're not married and I'm the bread winner. House is also in my name only and is about to be remortgaged in my name too (he has past debts etc).
No way! Fuck that OP. Kick him out. Youre in a very strong position here. Do not remortgage your house to pay off his debts.

As you said, he can behave fine with other people. He's choosing to behave this way with you. LTB.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/05/2021 23:29

He hasn't reflect on his behaviour in 7yrs he not going to start now.

Why can't he be nice with you like with his friends? Because he's abusive. He could be nice with you, he just doesn't want to.

Hi feel like you're being bullied and disrespected because you are being bullied and disrespected.

Jeckyl and Hyde - they all are. If they were permanently bastards their partners wouldn't stick with them. It's the hoping for Mr.Nice to return that keeps you hanging on.

Feeling like you're going mad is a victims psychological response to gaslighting psychological abuse.

You're not over sensitive, the opposite actually. Due to your father's shouting you're actually a bit immune to it because you've been effectively trained to tolerate it. As a result of that you've put up with far more of it than an emotionally healthy person would have.

ADHD can have an element to it in some people where it causes them to be over sensitive to criticism. As far as I know this problem doesn't automatically result in the person eith ADHD verbally attacking the one who they perceive criticised them. But if he's fine with friends it's probably not that anyway. Even if it is that, it's his problem to fix with therapy. Treating you like shit if he has a problem isn't ok. But I'll say it again, I don't think he has a problem causing this behaviour, I think he's just abusive.

AmberIsACertainty · 15/05/2021 23:30

sorry, typo. You* feel like you're being bullied etc, not "hi"

Porcupineintherough · 15/05/2021 23:36

Sling his arse out OP then take some time to decide what you want. A peaceful co parenting relationship would be better for your dd (and for you) than a fractious, unhappy relationship. You dont deserve to be treated like this.

junebirthdaygirl · 16/05/2021 07:24

He doesn't have to agree that he is abusive. You decide what's right for you. As said already he is takingcthings out on you and being nice to everyone else. Forget the fact he has ADHD. You cannotvtake this any longer. It doesn't matter why he is doing it. It just matters that you don't want to live with it. Try not to getvinto a debate or to justify your decision. Just say l am not happy with how you treat me l want you to leave. So what if you are sensitive..you're not!! Buteven if he says that just keep saying l am not happy to continue like this.

DeathStare · 16/05/2021 07:46

I've told him he's a bully and that he can be abusive. But rather than think about why I've said that, he turns it back to how insulted he is and how awful it is I've called him that

This is what abusers do. They turn it back on the victim so that they are at fault either for the abusive behaviour or for pointing out the abusive behaviour.

This isn't a situation that can change, when you tell him how you feel he doesn't care enough to listen and to change, instead he tries to manipulate you into thinking you're in the wrong. The situation cannot change. The only thing that can change is whether is whether you put up with it or not.

DrManhattan · 16/05/2021 07:52

He sounds like a prick. I'd leave

Inertia · 16/05/2021 09:23

Is he a SAHP to your daughter ?

If so I would seriously consider childminder or nursery for her while you work. He clearly believes that he is entitled to punish you for anything he sees as your wrongdoing- you don’t want to be in a position where he could use status as primary carer to threaten you.

Summerzz123 · 16/05/2021 20:28

I am sorry to read this because I totally relate.

I constantly have to ask my husband to watch his tone and he doesn’t think theres anything wrong with it. He also snaps at very small things, and has lack of patience. And I do, too, get the ‘you’re so perfect’ response instead of any reflection. He has gotten better recently (he had some cbt therapy at the beginning of the pandemic for anxiety) but day to day very minor things are met with an over reaction.

We have 2 children and he’s also been diagnosed with adhd since young, but doesn’t take medication. He does speak like this on phone calls to his family and it really seems like communication is just awful.

I’m hoping the slight improvements continue with lockdown ending (this was a real trigger- although it definitely got worse with children!)
Ironically, he will discuss a third!

Have you had any more thoughts? I hope you had a great day with your dd.

Original poster
Fedupmum13 · 16/05/2021 21:19

@Summerzz123 sorry to hear of your experiences. It sounds so familiar. Dp also is snappy on the phone with family sometimes and he's generally an abrupt person but can also be lovely etc to people to. There's also certain people he'd never be like that towards.
I've had a nice day with DD today celebrating her birthday and dp has been helping with tidying up etc but we've not spoken at all really. It's been very functional today. I'm just exhausted with the constant feeling of being in edge and being snapped at. It's every day and it's draining me. I wonder whether he should get counselling too.

OP posts:
ToLiveInPeace · 17/05/2021 08:36

Afraid I've not read the full thread, OP, but has you heard of rejection sensitivity order? Some people with ADHD are super sensitive to any form of criticism. I'm not making excuses for him and it's not easy to live with (ask me how I know...) but emotional disregulation can be part of the condition. Knowing that helps my DP to recognize, or at least accept, when he's being unreasonable.

ToLiveInPeace · 17/05/2021 08:37

*Perceived criticism, not necessarily actual...

ToLiveInPeace · 17/05/2021 08:38

And - sorry! - the name is rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

gelatodipistacchio · 17/05/2021 08:41

"'you're always the angel and I'm mean and I'm abusive, change the record!"

This gave me chills. It's exactly the kind of thing my emotionally abusive ex used to say to me, even down to "change the record"

He's twisted this so that you're the problem for complaining about his shitty behaviour, rather than his behaviour being an issue.

sandgrown · 17/05/2021 08:45

@Couldhavebeenme2 . I had a partner like that who used his depression as an excuse to be a complete arse but refused to engage with strategies to help him. We have recently split after years of walking on eggshells but he told DS it’s my fault as I don’t understand depression!

sandgrown · 17/05/2021 08:47

Sorry OP I feel for you . My DS has ADHD and can fly off the handle if overwhelmed but your partner sounds abusive and controlling.

Lostlittlelady · 17/05/2021 08:52

@Indoorcamping

The ADHD is irrelevant, he's an abuse arsehole.

You don't have to put up with this

This is true.

This is no life for you or your poor dd. Walking on eggshells all the time timing things on his moods.

greenlynx · 17/05/2021 08:59

Please please don’t remortgage with him and tell him to move away. He will be getting worse and you will stick with him forever. His behavior is nothing to do with ADHD, don’t try reason with him or change him or give him ultimatums. He clearly wants to live how it suits him and do what he wants and doesn’t respect you. The person who is upset or stressed or overwhelmed might snap occasionally but will be able to evaluate the situation afterwards and feel sorry. Your DP is just abusing you emotionally. He wants to belittle you and take away all your achievements. Don’t let him do this and take away happy childhood from your child.

By the way he is “not ADHD enough” to understand that he needs to be patient and polite with other people whereas he’s rude and snappy with you. It’s nothing to do with ADHD.

ThrowAwayName01 · 17/05/2021 09:04

He spent 20 minutes shouting at you about whether he is abusive? Case closed, right there.

sweetypop · 17/05/2021 09:04

The ADHD thing is irrelevant!

I have adhd and I'm not medicated and I'm so overwhelmed with my family of 5, my house is a tip, my business is suffering because of my inability to keep up and my family who I feel don't really help really aggravate me but I don't take my frustrations out on them. I can be a little bit short sometimes with dh and it is because I'm so overwhelmed inside I'm screaming in my head and when he asks me to do something I feel so pressured but I don't ever shout at dh ever and I wouldn't expect him to put up with that. So adhd is absolutely irrelevant, no matter how stressed or overwhelmed there's never an excuse to be nasty to someone

Also the obsession thing I can see that... if there's a new thing in my life I can obsess and get to know every facet of it before I move onto the next fad... again though, I keep it to myself and don't push anything on my family because I've become aware over the years that I'm doing it.

And Fuck me, don't feel bad about the breakfast! Porridge and pineapple sounds fab... my dc had chocolate spread sandwiches this morning and tbh I just choose my battles, I'm struggling so much that I can't police all the sugar and all the fucking little things it would send me crazier than I already am...

OrangeRug · 17/05/2021 09:16

He is an abusive arsehole and there was nothing wrong with the breakfast. You deserve better than this. And I'll probs get slated for this but if you want to feel any better about your parenting I let my DD have an ice cream cone for breakfast last week because I just couldn't be bothered to argue with her. It could potentially be quite damaging for your DD to grow up in a house with someone who's obsessive about food and weight.

OrangeRug · 17/05/2021 09:17

@sweetypop ha I'm so glad it's not just me!

NinaMimi · 17/05/2021 09:22

You sound in a good financial position if you do want to end things.

I personally couldn’t live like that. I grew up walking on eggshells with one parent and just couldn’t ever deal with that again.

knittingaddict · 17/05/2021 09:33

Op, what he is doing is classic abusive behaviour. It's called DARVO and stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender. It's where he calls you the problem, rather than putting the blame on himself, where it should rightly be.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/05/2021 09:34

Forget the adhd. He’s just a cunt.