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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I over sensitive or is he being mean?

112 replies

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 09:30

I just don't know anymore.
Dp has adhd and a part of this (for him) is that he is snappy and also has very little patience. It makes it difficult to have conversations as I find myself timing it to when he's in a good mood or unlikely to snap. There's no point speaking to him when he's doing something as he gets overwhelmed and will be snappy.
Yesterday morning he comes in to see me where I was sorting dd (2) and I was running late for work. I'd already asked a few times if he could have a shower so that we could tag team. He came in and said 'everything OK?' I said ' would you be able to have a shower?' and he started shouting 'yes OK I heard you! Etc etc'. It made DD cry with the raised voice. It felt so disproportionate to what I'd said.
This morning I got up with DD and got her breakfast (dp went out last night so I let him do his thing) and realised we didn't have bananas. So I made her porridge, and gave her some pineapple (in place of the banana, first time I've ever done that). I went to go upstairs to get ready after he came down and heard him say 'what kind of breakfast is that?!', I challenged him and asked him what he meant a few times and he said 'I'm ignoring you! Just get ready'. He then text me a bbc link to children having too much sugar and he then told me how many grams of sugar was in the breakfast. I just broke down in tears. I'm trying my best, and it's the first time I've replaced banana with pineapple and he felt the need to react like that.
I told him he was mean and it was unnecessary and he's shouted for a good 20 mins about how 'you're always the angel and I'm mean and I'm abusive, change the record!'.
The major sticking point in our 7 year relationship is the way he speaks to me. The snappiness really hurts and upsets me. Maybe I am over sensitive? I was shouted at alot as a child and I find it hard. Noone else in my life shouts at me.. I don't want this for DD either growing up.
I've tried not to drip feed, sorry if I've left anything key out.

OP posts:

MishMashMummy · 15/05/2021 10:11

He’s a horrible cunt. You don’t have to live like this.

Jumpingintosummer · 15/05/2021 10:12

You are the only person who can be brave enough to break this cycle for your daughter.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/05/2021 10:17

I agree with all the PP. He cant act like a dick to you, then complain that you are making him feel like a dick when you pull him up on it.
It's the equivalent of giving you a slap then complaining that you are calling him violent.
Moaning about breakfast...he might get a say if you were giving her frosties or a mars bar every day. But a. Its porridge and fruit, b. Banana is sugary as well and c. You shouldn't be putting toddlers on diets and cutting their (fruit based) sugar unless there is a medical need and d. He was having a lie in so doesn't get a say!

If he is criticising every single thing you do and refusing to acknowledge it, this must be exhausting. Constant unwarranted criticism is a form of abuse and the fact you feel like you're walking on eggshells is a sign you're being abused.

Even if you were being over sensitive (which you are not, you'd have to be a robot not to be upset at being shouted at for 20 mins over anything even if it was something important) you can't live like this can you? Feeling worried about his reactions, feeling disproportionately criticised etc is no way to live and shows your relationship isnt working

Daphnise · 15/05/2021 10:20

I'm sorry you have to put up with this, and it must chip away at your confidence, and in fact undermine relations with DP.

As he's not going to change, one option is for you to get tougher, and insist no shouting in front of the child.

DP needs help or treatment, but won't accept either that he does need it or the help.

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2021 10:20

Your daughter is going to grow up being shouted at as well if you don’t break the pattern here

GreyEyedWitch · 15/05/2021 10:27

LTB.

PriestessofPing · 15/05/2021 10:28

He is abusive. Also he’s wrong since apparently out of banana and pineapple, pineapple has LESS sugar. Tell him to google that while he’s looking online for ways to beat you down. Here’s just one article of many a 30 second search returned:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.taste.com.au/healthy/articles/healthy-showdown-banana-vs-pineapple/dikuouw2

LouiseTrees · 15/05/2021 10:31

@Fedupmum13

Thank you for the replies. I just feel like he's a jekyll and Hyde person. Can be normal and lovely etc but then so snappy and easy to irritate. I on the other hand am quite a relaxed, laid back and easy going person. We're just not compatible are we? Everytime we argue about this he says he's sick of being made to feel abusive and won't go his life being made to feel like that. I go around in circles, am I over sensitive? Am I justified? Should I just take it on the chin... But then I see how he is with others and on more than once occasion I've told him that if he can be patient with them, then he should with me too.

Tell him he’s allowed to express displeasure but it doesn’t need to be in that tone. It’s the tone not the content.

feistymumma · 15/05/2021 10:32

@Fedupmum13

This cycle will continue unless you stop it. I lived with someone like this for 20 years and I identify with you feeling you are being too sensitive or unreasonable- it's how they want us to feel about ourselves so they maintain an upper hand. Mine also included gas lighting. I was so pleased to have gotten rid of him. He moved on to his next victim pretty quickly

misskatamari · 15/05/2021 10:33

He sounds horrible. He is abusive, if he doesn't like being made to feel abusive, maybe he should, errr, stop abusing you!

Please find a way to leave him. He is grinding you down, and it is no way to live.

KurtWilde · 15/05/2021 10:35

I have adhd and I don't snap at people over nothing like that. So that's a bullshit excuse. Yes different people exhibit different traits but your DH sounds like a dick quite frankly. In fact he sounds like my exh who didn't have adhd he was verbally and emotionally abusive. Constantly walking on eggshells and worried about saying or doing the 'right' thing for fear of upsetting him. It's no way to live OP.

RandomMess · 15/05/2021 10:40

Sorry it's a bullshit excuse so he can do everything he wants his way and make zero effort to compromise.

Intended or not it's toxic and abusive towards you and your DD.

StellaLeonte · 15/05/2021 11:17

He’s an abusive wanker, I’d squirt pineapple juice in his eyes.

MintyMabel · 15/05/2021 13:14

Point out to him bananas are full of sugar too. My diabetic dad has just been told he needs to limit his banana habit because of it.

On the bigger issue, tell him he can’t speak to you that way and just blame his ADHD.

The only other thing was, your request to have a shower many not have come across as a simple request if you were stressed. I’m guilty of thinking I’ve asked nicely but apparently (according to my sister, OH and DD) it sometimes sounds snappy.

FlyingPandas · 15/05/2021 13:19

Agree with others, the adhd is a red herring. I have a dc and know various others with the condition and snappiness is bog all to do with it.

However, I suspect he’s always used his adhd as a convenient excuse to enable him to get away with being a shouty, bullying bastard. (In the same way that some - but by no means all, of course - people with depression use it as a get out of jail free card to do fuck all).

Either way he needs calling on it op but I can appreciate that this must be hard as you are so worn down by him. But you’re definitely not being over sensitive.

MiaRoma · 15/05/2021 13:53

Don't put your daughter through this any longer.

You both deserve way more happiness

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/05/2021 14:26

@MistyGreenAndBlue

So basically he's saying "I want to be able to stomp and scream and be rude and mardy and say whatever cruel shit I feel like but not be made to feel bad about it"? Is that about right? Fuck that!

This. He's a cunt OP. Sorry. ADHD or not, you can't stay with him and subject yourself and your daughter to a lifetime of shouting and bullying. You just can't. He won't change.

Coursework · 15/05/2021 14:27

He's abusive. I recommend Lundy Bancroft's book Why does he that? You will find him inside it. Leave the bastard!

Original poster

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 18:55

Thank you. I've read all the replies it's just been a hectic day. We've not spoken all day and he's giving me silent treatment. I'm trying to act normal for DDs sake.

OP posts:

User0ne · 15/05/2021 19:31

Oh, so now you're being punished for challenging him screaming at you for 20 minutes.

Do you have family and friends nearby you can rely on for support?

Saltyslug · 15/05/2021 19:40

You could have just ignored the link or sent him one back about pineapple being a health food and its health benefits.

The shouting is not ok. Do you challenge him about it. ‘Why are you shouting’ ‘could you speak normally instead of shouting’

GroovyClementine · 15/05/2021 19:52

Everytime we argue about this he says he's sick of being made to feel abusive and won't go his life being made to feel like that

What he is saying is this, "I will do and say what I want and you will keep your fucking mouth shut or I will make you suffer"

KizzyMoo · 15/05/2021 19:53

Not saying it's not the ADHD but my son has ADHD and I've spoke to many people who have it both adults and kids and I've never been made aware of that shit show. Dump him.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 15/05/2021 20:02

Nothing to do with the ADHD.

My DH was a shouter, having grown up with two shouters. I hate shouting, as soon as you raise your voice (IMO) you've lost the argument, lost control of yourself and are showing yourself to be an adult incapable of self regulation. When we met I told him this several times. He struggled with it. After a few months, I sat him down and told him his shouting makes me feel unsafe and so I will be leaving the room each time he raises his voice. We had two more incidents, each time I not only left the room but left the house. He got it, worked hard on breaking the cycle and can now discuss things quietly and calmly. Time for an ultimatum. Tell him each and every time he shouts and snaps, you will take your DD and leave the building so she is not overhearing abuse. If that doesn’t work, LTB - you both deserve better.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/05/2021 20:13

OP I think am important thing to realise about men like him is that you have become his emotional punchbag. That's why he's not like it with anyone else. It's not really about the pineapple or the shower. He probably felt a bit stressed or moody for whatever reason took it out on you. Some men use their fists. It's not your fault and he won't change. I lived through it with my dad and it ruined my childhood. Please leave.

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