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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I over sensitive or is he being mean?

112 replies

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 09:30

I just don't know anymore.
Dp has adhd and a part of this (for him) is that he is snappy and also has very little patience. It makes it difficult to have conversations as I find myself timing it to when he's in a good mood or unlikely to snap. There's no point speaking to him when he's doing something as he gets overwhelmed and will be snappy.
Yesterday morning he comes in to see me where I was sorting dd (2) and I was running late for work. I'd already asked a few times if he could have a shower so that we could tag team. He came in and said 'everything OK?' I said ' would you be able to have a shower?' and he started shouting 'yes OK I heard you! Etc etc'. It made DD cry with the raised voice. It felt so disproportionate to what I'd said.
This morning I got up with DD and got her breakfast (dp went out last night so I let him do his thing) and realised we didn't have bananas. So I made her porridge, and gave her some pineapple (in place of the banana, first time I've ever done that). I went to go upstairs to get ready after he came down and heard him say 'what kind of breakfast is that?!', I challenged him and asked him what he meant a few times and he said 'I'm ignoring you! Just get ready'. He then text me a bbc link to children having too much sugar and he then told me how many grams of sugar was in the breakfast. I just broke down in tears. I'm trying my best, and it's the first time I've replaced banana with pineapple and he felt the need to react like that.
I told him he was mean and it was unnecessary and he's shouted for a good 20 mins about how 'you're always the angel and I'm mean and I'm abusive, change the record!'.
The major sticking point in our 7 year relationship is the way he speaks to me. The snappiness really hurts and upsets me. Maybe I am over sensitive? I was shouted at alot as a child and I find it hard. Noone else in my life shouts at me.. I don't want this for DD either growing up.
I've tried not to drip feed, sorry if I've left anything key out.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/05/2021 20:16

Silent treatment- classic emotional abuse.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 15/05/2021 20:25

Does he always use his disability to excuse the fact he is a massive cunt?

My exH was utterly obsessed with what I fed the kids, and would send me links too. if it wasn't raw fruit and veg I'd get it in the neck. I used to say "if you know so much then you be the one to feed them".

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 15/05/2021 20:27

@Fedupmum13

He does take medication for it. He's on a health kick at the moment and he gets really obsessed with things. So he's constantly watching YouTube videos about advice on tummy fat and is now really judgemental about 'bad' foods. I can't keep up with him. Since Xmas he's been vegan and done keto, both times had been obsessed only to stop doing it after a month or so.

God he sounds like my ex! When he was going through healthy eating and the gym phases he was very judgmental about what others ate and would tell everyone he knew what crap they were eating and how they'd get cancer. Funnily enough he has no friends these days.

lakesidelife · 15/05/2021 20:32

Getting obsessions does seem to be part of ADHD in our family.
But screaming at people as an adult not so much.
Certainly not sulking when bad behavior is pointed out.

He is being made to feel abusive because that is how he is behaving.

Original poster

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 21:34

Every time he shouts I ask him to stop. He response every time is 'oh here we go, I'm mean, I'm horrible bla bla'. I asked him why he never reflects on the way he speaks to me and why does he deflect to how I'm being sensitive etc but he didn't answer. He said he's sick of this cycle but he's causing it! I don't know why I've just accepted this for so long. Now I have DD though I see it through her eyes more and it's giving me strength to act. There have been a few occasions where I've had 'jolts' which have made me think, posting on here has really helped and I do really appreciate the replies.
What it comes down to, isn't so much what he says (although he's very critical, I know I'm not perfect and should accept criticism) but it's completely the tone in which he says it. Raising voice etc.
I called him up on something the other day, whenever I say something to him, for example 'can you take your shoes off, there's mud on the carpet from them' he will always always retort with a counter criticism, rather than 'ah yeh of course, didn't realise', he will say 'oh well how many times have you got mud on the carpet'. He will always refer to other times where something has happened. He just had a complete inability to reflect on his own behaviour or accept that he's wrong. It makes me feel like I'm going mad and that I'm over sensitive.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/05/2021 21:40

Utterly intolerable.

Start getting your ducks in a row to end it.

Original poster

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 21:45

We're not married and I'm the bread winner. House is also in my name only and is about to be remortgaged in my name too (he has past debts etc).

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/05/2021 21:46

I guess time to ask him to move out then and end it.

PyjamaFan · 15/05/2021 21:51

Time for him to move out then. Don't pay off his debts will you!

blacksax · 15/05/2021 21:57

You don't have to put up with this any more - tell him to pack his bags and sling his hook.

You can have ADHD and be an abusive bastard at the same time.

Saltyslug · 15/05/2021 21:58

How is he with others?

Tell him he needs to move out and have a trial separation as you are not accepting his disrespectful behaviour any more. You’ve had enough and unless he pulls his finger out that’s it

Newmum29 · 15/05/2021 22:04

It’s not as cut and dry as some people think although the porridge comment is just incredibly stupid and insensitive and I would have cried too.

My partner also has adhd and it can cause issues with him not doing things I’ve asked for straight away (he can tend to get distracted quite easily so on the way to the shower, he’ll see something else that needs doing and forget for instance).

It’s so much harder with kids as you know they’re going to start screaming if he hasn’t got the towel/nappy bag/car seat etc. whereas when it was just the 2 of us it never bothered me.

I also hate shouting and confrontation and have found most men are more comfortable with raised voices etc. I’ve told him he’s being mean a few times to be met with “I’m just angry, let me be angry”. Even explaining where it’s coming from (your dad) is unlikely to change it.

So with all that said... I’d weigh up the positives and negatives and see where you land. For me the negative column is so much smaller.

I know how much he hates to be criticised so try and save complaints for the big things as I’m also over sensitive and know how he feels when your partner “corrects” you however nicely.

Original poster

Fedupmum13 · 15/05/2021 22:06

I certainly need a break and space from him. I need time to think and reflect on the past 7 years. He needs to reflect too, he's become so accustomed to treating me this way. It really hurts when I see how friendly and lovely he is towards friends.. Why isn't he like that with me? I just feel disrespected and bullied really. I've told him he's a bully and that he can be abusive. But rather than think about why I've said that, he turns it back to how insulted he is and how awful it is I've called him that. I'm not argumentative or confrontational, yet I find myself getting in to these rows and crying and despairing.
Its my DDs birthday tomorrow, I'm going to focus on her tomorrow. Then I need to have a plan of action.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/05/2021 22:11

Cherrysoup · 15/05/2021 22:18

It’s not you, it’s him. He’s an abusive wanker. He can turn on the charm and be lovely to his friends, but not you. He’s now sulking and not talking to you, he’s on bloody thin ice, isn’t he, given it’s your house. Tell him to fuck off, he has no rights as you aren’t married.

KatharinaRosalie · 15/05/2021 22:27

I have a friend whose marriage is like you describe. Whatever she says or does, he always finds something negative to say and yes, the 'well what about yourself!!' is a very typical one. My DH often says that you could just cut the toxic atmosphere in their house with a knife. It's not his ADHD if he can be perfectly nice with everybody else. He chooses to be a bully.

crystalize · 15/05/2021 22:34

You're in a very good position OP. 7 years you've been putting up with this shit. You owe it to your daughter to protect her. Tell the abusive prick to leave.

HollowTalk · 15/05/2021 22:40

You've done your time, OP. He's not changed. He's abusive and absolutely fucking horrible. You don't have to live with him, you know. Give yourself a fantastic gift and get the hell out of there.

Mydogmylife · 15/05/2021 22:41

The fact that he is ' lovely' around friends shows quite clearly that he is perfectly capable of behaving well when he wishes and appears in fact to be ' choosing' to be behaving as a total bastard to you........ As others have said having adhd and behaving badly are not tied together!!!

BonnieDundee · 15/05/2021 22:48

He shouted at you because you gave your DC pineapple with her breakfast? If you'd given her a bowl full of haribo, cheesy wotsits or a sugar sandwich he still shouldn't have shouted at you. But fucking pineapple? He's an arsehole

GeorgiaGirl52 · 15/05/2021 22:50

Thank Heavens you are not married, own the house and have a job. You have no reason to put up with any of his abuse. After the birthday, pack his bags, change the locks and put him out! Better one good parent than an abusive one who mistreats both of you!
PS ADHD is not synonymous with being snappy and abusive and self-centered. Medication does not replace manners.

BonnieDundee · 15/05/2021 22:52

Just read your update. Dont pay his debts. Don't listen to pp telling you the good outweighs the bad. Terrible advice.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/05/2021 23:04

Right read your updates. You're the breadwinner. It's your house. You have absolutely no reason to let him treat you like shit for a moment longer. Give your daughter the best birthday present ever and kick him the fuck out.

Haveyoubrushedyourteeth · 15/05/2021 23:05

You're worth so much more than this, never forget that, and so is your Dd. Sending strength.

mainsfed · 15/05/2021 23:10

But then I see how he is with others and on more than once occasion I've told him that if he can be patient with them, then he should with me too.

This should tell you that he’s using ADHD as an excuse to abuse you.

You’re in a strong position to end this. If you marry him or get a mortgage with him it will be much harder.

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